


Say Something

by fresharold



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Football Player Louis, Louis has a crush on a dude, Love/Hate, M/M, Photographer Harry, Roommates, Smut, University, University Student Louis, and another one that it's not really famous, and i don't even know the name in english but u'll see, and idk what to write more in this tags, and louis doesn't really like it, because louis likes when harry cares, but harry cares too much, harry doesn't like it, harry is a flirt here, i might make a reference of two books, not a bit, oh yeah, so louis doesn't argue about it, the fault in our stars yeah, there's a bit of drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-14
Updated: 2014-07-02
Packaged: 2018-02-04 15:37:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 37
Words: 147,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1784329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fresharold/pseuds/fresharold
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You make me feel so frustrated, I swear Harry I-I hat-" I stop myself from saying it. I hate you. I say to myself.<br/>He looks up at me, finally, with a sad look. We stay in silence for a matter of seconds.<br/>"If you really hate me that much, just tell me!" He says in a firm voice. "Otherwise, I’ll just keep looking for you…"</p><p>-</p><p>Harry keeps saying that Louis is too good for everyone and Louis makes his best to convince everyone, including himself that he hates the green eyed boy.</p><p>IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: this fic is not edited it contains a lot of errors and grammar mistakes that im just not bothered to correct now because i don't like this work that much. a lot of people have complained about it, if you think it bothers you a lot pls do not read. i don't mind at all, this was like one of the first real fics i wrote and by that time my english was mess. i advice and recommend you to read my other works if that's the case. thank you and im sorry for being a big lazy arse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> playlist - http://8tracks.com/fresharold/say-something

Finally I arrive at the campus from the University. It’s too familiar for me, I don’t feel the excitement I felt last year when I arrived here for first time. If it wasn’t for the unfamiliar faces I would say it all looks exactly the same.

 

I stop on the sidewalk to appreciate the view. Half of the boys and girls are saying goodbye to their families and then taking their luggage and walking inside, passing through the big gate. The other half are just like me, we’ve been going here already, we don’t need our parents to come with us and give us the take care of yourself and the what you should and shouldn’t do conversation, which in the end we won’t follow. We avoid the eyes full of tears and lame goodbyes which are replaced by hellos from our old fellows. I look to my right side and see my two best mates who came with me in my car, based on their expressions, they’re probably thinking the same thing.

 

"Ready for one more year, Lou?" Liam looks back at me and gives me his warm smile.

 

"Sure" I shrug, it’s just one more year at university… last year was, erm, okay? I think it was normal, I had good grades - the ones I expected - didn’t get into any serious trouble and I made some friends, Zayn and Liam included. Last year was basically a new start for me.

 

"Well I’m more than ready," Zayn smiles bright and looks at Liam, putting his arm around his shoulder, "I feel like it’s going to be a great year" he says looking at Liam and me. I hope he’s right.

"Lou, be a dear and bring the luggage please" Zayn smirks, teasing and begins to walk with Liam under his arm. I frown and give him a look, containing my laugh.

 

"What am I? Your servant?" I half joke and grab my two bags from the floor and walk by myself inside, leaving Zayn with the look I wanted him to have on his face and Liam laughing.

 

As expected, Zayn shouts at me to wait for him and Liam follows his steps, picking up his bags from the floor and walking towards me.

 

We greet a lot of friends on our way to our dorms. When we aren’t too much farther from them a familiar blonde head appears in front of us and we can’t contain our grins towards the bloke.

 

“Hey guys! Good to see those three beautiful faces” Niall jokes and he gives to each of us a quick hug. “So do you know where you’re going to stay this year?” he asks, too excited.

 

"Yes! I’m going to stay with Liam" Zayn says, somehow proudly.

 

Liam gives him a look which he answers in the same way. I never understood their relationship, or friendship… I don’t really know what they are because they were already friends with benefits - if I can call them that - before I met them but from what I can see, if this year they’re going to stay in the same room, things are going to change… for good I hope. I don’t really care, it doesn’t bother me at all because I’m gay too and I just want my two friends to be happy and if it’s with each other, that’s even better.

"Great!" Niall winks and I know what he means by it.

 

“What about you Louis?” he asks now looking at me

 

"I don’t know who I’m staying with, do you? Maybe we’re together."

 

It would be great if I stayed with someone I knew so I could feel more comfortable in the beginning of the year. It’s always good to meet someone new, but I think I already know too many people here. Enough at least.

 

"Hmm I’m afraid we aren’t, buddy" he shrugs

 

"Oh, are you with," I cough "…Styles?" My three friends laugh and I roll my eyes.

 

"Nope, I’m with another guy. He seems cool, you guys should meet him sometime," Niall tells us and we nod.

 

We keep walking, now with Niall, but if it was because of him that the next scene happened then I would’ve preferred for him to stay where he was.

 

"Guys!" I hear a voice behind us and we all know too well whose it is. Niall turns around to face the curly haired boy and he doesn’t even notice the brunette girl’s presence who has Harry’s arm around her waist. He runs towards him and jumps into his arms. This guy is just too friendly with people and I think it’s what I like the most about him.

 

"Whoa, mate! Calm down!" Harry laughs and I chuckle too, but it’s just because of the girl’s face looking at the two of them.

 

"Sorry mate, just missed you." he smiles "I mean I missed all of you to be honest" he looks at me, Zayn and Liam who greet Harry as well.

 

I keep trying not to look at him, maybe expecting him not to see me but “Hi Louis!” he says smiling, this time showing his dimples and I don’t why I always find that smile… provocative. I just don’t like the dude - I don’t really hate him, hate is a strong word and poor guy -, he’s not rude, he’s actually nice to everyone and for me as well… too nice even, it’s just he’s kinda irritating. I can’t stand guys like him.

 

Everyone thinks he’s perfect and he acts like he knows it and he’s so freaking proud of his reputation. He gets everything he wants with no effort while I have to work for it. He’s full of charm and I don’t say this as a compliment, thanks to that charm he gets every girl he wants to, and I won’t pretend to be shocked if I get to know that he uses it with guys too. Let’s not start with his jokes. Oh jeez, they’re the worst and he always tells them at the weirdest times, he never takes anything seriously, especially when it comes from me. It’s frustrating, and when he laughs he makes too much noise. I try my best not to be around him that often.

 

So I just nod and say a quiet “Hey” to him. And when he starts to introduce his new “friend” Matilda I try to rush Zayn and Liam so we can go. I need to organize my stuff and I haven’t even been in my room yet. God I hope my new roommate is tidy and nice. Last year Liam was a perfect roommate, he’s organized and tidy like me, he’s a great friend and respects me at any cost. He’s quiet and he never brought Zayn to our room for things that weren’t talk or study… at least not that I ever knew of. So I’m crossing fingers I have a Liam this year too.

 

When ten minutes pass and they are still talking I roll my eyes and excuse myself. All besides Harry and the girl laugh and I get what they mean by that laugh. They know how I feel about Harry and they tease me about it all the time. Harry understands too so he doesn’t lose time winking at me and waving his hand when I walk away. I don’t bother myself to offer him my attention so I start finding the number of the door from my room.

 

I find it easily and when I get there the room is empty and the only sign of existence of my roommate is his bags in the corner. Sooner than I expected I’m unpacking, saving my stuff and turning my part of the room more like myself. The space is the same size as last year, it’s enough for two beds, two wardrobes in each side of the bed, two shelves on the wall above the beds and one desk, kinda in the middle. I hate the blank walls but nothing that some pictures cannot solve it, I like to bring them anyways. There are some from my family, friends, me or other pictures that I like, it makes me feel more like home since I don’t really have one at the moment. But I’m glad this year we don’t have to sleep in bunk beds, I hate those things especially because last year I stayed on the bottom part and it made me think that the upper part was going to fall on top of me.

 

I decide to finish my book in the time before dinner. I was expecting my roommate being here by this hour, I’m curious about who he might be, but he doesn’t come even when I go out to eat something with Liam and Zayn and then come back. He didn’t unpack anything, his bags are still above his bed and I don’t know when he is expecting to organize this. Tomorrow, when classes start? I bet my roommate will be Jeremy, it is said that he always leaves the things he has to do for the last hour. Ugh I hope it’s not him because he’s rude and when someone greets him in the morning he acts all grumpy… but well we share the last part in common.

 

I grab my things and go for a quick shower. I think the worst part of this place is the showers because we don’t have the privacy we should and privacy in the bathroom is precious for me. I end up dressing myself in the showers and walking back to my room after some minutes. When I open the door, things had… changed. And I’m faced with a guy walking in circles, for what it seems, lost.

 

Wait. He’s not just a guy. He’s “HARRY?” I say louder than I should, he jumps and looks at me with a surprised look. I expect I have the same expression.

 

"Christ Louis" he places his hand on his chest.

 

"What the hell are you doing here?!" I ask confused and kinda mad because what the fuck?

 

"This is my room…" he says like it is the most logical answer ever. Maybe it is, but not in my world.

 

"Oh no." I whisper.

 

"So you’re my roommate?!" he asks grinning, "How great!" he sounds sarcastic, to be honest.

 

"It’s great!" I roll my eyes, sighing. I can’t believe I’ll have to deal with him the whole year. This room already looks like a mess and of course I’m not just complaining because of that. I won’t last long here, I’m not a patient person, especially not with him.

 

"Oh c’mon Tomlinson! Chill out" he jokes and I try to ignore his voice while dragging myself to my bed. I’m gonna sleep now and he’s going to disappear, yeah he will.

 

He says something else that I’m not able - more like I don’t want to so I’ll not make any effort - to understand. When I’m about to take the clothes off my bed, I notice something that doesn’t belong to me.

 

"Is this yours?" I raise his jacket and he looks at it

 

"YES, I was looking for it." he walks towards me so I throw it, hoping that he catches it. "Thanks" he smirks when gets it.

 

“You look like you’re dead Tomlinson.” he laughs.

 

"Don’t talk to me please, I’m going to sleep now." I say dryly, laying down, under the covers of my bed. I didn’t miss these beds, for sure.

 

"It’s only 10," he comments dressing in his jacket. "Do you want to go out with me?" he asks. Oh so he’s going out? Let me thank Jesus first.

 

"Are you serious? No I don’t want to." maybe sometimes I’m too harsh with him, but by now I can’t change that and he’s already used to it.

 

"Oh. Fine then, I’m going now. Probably see you tomorrow then!" I seriously don’t get why he has to be always smiling.

"Yeah, yeah. Okay" I answer, resting my head on the pillow and facing my back to him.

 

"Okay." he sighs "Bye then. Oh and I’m glad that is you my roommate." did I hear it wrong? When I turn around to make sure I heard correctly, the door is slammed and Harry is gone. It might be the tiredness of the trip and the time I took to organize my stuff so now I’m hearing things.

 

When I lay down again, my phone buzzes on the nightstand so I grab it

 

So who’s your roommate? :)))

-Liam

 

I sigh in annoyance and answer quickly.

 

Fucking Styles.

-Louis

 

I put my phone back and turn off the light. I’m sure it buzzes again but I don’t bother to grab it to check the message.

~*~

I wake up with the sound of a door closing, kinda strongly, and someone groaning in pain after a loud noise coming from the furniture.

 

"Shit!" I hear and at first I get confused, but then I remember. Harry.

 

"Are you fucking serious?" I protest when I face reality. He really had to wake me up? I don’t even want to know what time is it, or I’m sure gonna be more pissed.

 

"Sorry. ‘m sorry," he whispers. Oh he whispers now? "Just-ugh I hit my foot against the bed" he groans. I seriously don’t care I just want to sleep now.

 

"Shut up!" I cover my face with the sheets "Go to sleep and be quiet" I groan

 

"Sorry" he apologizes again and if I wasn’t so tired I would roll my eyes.

 

Just after what it seems half an hour - probably it is less but anyway - he finally decides to stop the noise and I finally sigh with relief and enjoy the silence.

 

Till he starts snoring.

 

Harry Styles fucking snores, are you kidding?! Okay, I definitely hate him now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i posted this fic on wattpad but when i first started writing i didn't use this website  
> but let's be honest, fics here are way to better than on wattpad. they're WOW  
> so i'm not saying that mine is WOW but i wanted to share it here and also, i want to start using this website more often  
> so yeah hope you like it and the updates will be fast bc they're done


	2. Chapter 2

I wake up in the morning and when I look at my phone to check the time I only have ten minutes till the alarm sounds. I hate when this happens, especially on my first day of classes. I just want to sleep a little bit more but I can’t. I get up from bed and choose my clothes, which doesn’t take too long because I don’t really care about it since I always wear jeans and a shirt. It’s just grab and then dressing.

 

I jump at the sound of my phone, I forgot to shut out the alarm. “Louis, turn that shit off” Oh I almost forgot about Harry. Again.

 

"Don’t you need to get up?" I ask him after shutting it off.

 

“Who even shows up on the first day of classes?” he says and his voice sounds hoarser. In my opinion, I could get used to this voice more than his regular one. It’s not annoying.

 

"Erm, basically everyone?" I respond putting my stuff in my bag.

 

"You’re lying to yourself then babe." he says and moves his position on the bed, returning to his sleep. I find myself shivering with the pet name. I hate when he calls me those names. I’m not his babe much less his love, he used to call me that last year. I decide to ignore the episode and walk away from the room to drink some coffee after the first period.

 

~*~

 

This day was crap. I didn’t see Zayn nor Liam, they probably stayed in bed while I was hauling my ass to classes. I ended up eating with my mates from the football team, I can’t wait to start the practise.

 

But in general the day passed quickly, I went to the library to read a little just to see if I could relax a bit before walking back to my room.

 

Obviously – I mean maybe not so obviously -, Harry is there - so it was better going to classes than spending the whole day locked in this room with him- , sat on his bed and with his laptop above his stretched legs. He’s using headphones and seems to be really interested on what he’s doing, so I try not to get his attention; let him be occupied so I can be on my own. I need Liam or Zayn here because I’m bored and I have nothing to do.

 

"Hey Louis!" Harry calls me, raising his head from the laptop looking directly at me with a smile on his face. As expected. I wave at him and choose to lay down on my bed to rest my eyes, I don’t see anything more interesting to do. "So how was your day?" I hear him and let out a sigh.

 

"Normal," I answer not opening my eyes "Did you stay here all day?" I eventually ask.

 

"Yeah. Niall came up here to make me some company but he went out quickly. Now you’re finally here so I’m not alone anymore" Why did I ask him?! "Do you want to watch a movie or something? I’m bored!" I might not be seeing him but I’m 90% sure that he’s pouting right now due his tone of voice.

 

"Don’t you see that I’m trying to take a nap? Do the same." I spit.

 

Honestly I don’t know why I am talking so harshly to him now. I have to get used to his presence because it’s better for both of us, but he never seems bothered by the way I treat him. I don’t know if it’s just me but sometimes it seems that he even likes it and then jokes about it. Maybe that’s what makes me more pissed because if he didn’t take everything like a joke, if he was more serious, we probably would get better along.

But finally he stops talking and just a couple of minutes later I hear the sound of his bed but I don’t make a big deal of it.

"Louis…" I quickly open my eyes and I’m faced with Harry’s face in front of me.

"What the hell!" I sit up and look widely at him

"Sorry," he giggles, he fucking giggles "didn’t want to scare you"

"Well you fucking did!" I snap "Jeez Harry, leave me alone"

"Oh c’mon Louis," he stands up, since he was on his knees in front of my bed, and sits on the edge of it. The bed is quite small but I try my best not to be too close from him, so I crawl away from him till I feel the cold wall on the side of my forearm.

"Watch a movie with me, please" he makes an innocent face, but it won’t work with me.

"I want to sleep" I simply answer and he sighs, getting closer to me.

"S-Stay there-" I try to speak but he cuts me off.

"I don’t know why you act like that with me," even with these words he smirks "but we’re roommates now so we need to get along" I frown but I know he’s right. I don’t know how he doesn’t hate me by the way I treat him but he still acts nicely with me.

"It’s just a movie Lou." he grins, showing his dimples and I take a deep breath.

"Fine." I agree then. He smiles bright and brings his laptop from his bed and walks back to mine. I don’t like the idea of having him on MY bed, but it’s not like he’s going to eat me alive…

He lays down next to me and puts his laptop between us, being rested on his right leg and on my left one. I keep silent from the moment he clicks play and the movie starts. I can’t avoid feeling weird and… Uncomfortable by the way our legs and arms are touching. Well, unlike me, he keeps that stupid grin on his face the whole time but I do my best not to make eye contact with him.

I believed that, at least, while we are watching the movie he would be quiet but no, I was wrong. He keeps talking and telling me how much he likes this part or saying why this character is his favourite, so I can’t concentrate on the film.

"Harry if you’ve seen this movie already, why did you ask me to watch it with you?" I end up asking in annoyance. I was ignoring him till here and I don’t know how he didn’t notice that I wasn’t answering his questions and his comments. He just looked so happy telling me those things.

"I just love this movie so I wanted to watch it with you," he tells me and I finally take my eyes from the screen to meet his look.

"Okay, then." I answer, he’s just so weird and… too nice. I break the gaze and turn my attention back to the movie. It’s nearly over for what it seems so.

And thank god because Harry isn’t paying any attention to the last five minutes of the movie. He keeps staring at me and I hate when people do that to me. I think to be harsh as always but I decide against my will. I take a deep breath.

"What?" I ask.

"Nothing" he says and I frown

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

He gives me a half smile “Because you’re beautiful” what the fuck. What the actual fuck. I’m probably red right now, I feel weird and I don’t even wanna know the look I’m giving him. Still he doesn’t drop that smile from his face which is the worst.

"Erm, I-I… the movie is - I gotta go" I stammer and quickly jump out of bed leaving him and his stupid grin alone in the room.

When I shut the door I walk quickly and somewhat furiously through the hallway. That guy loves teasing and… I’m not beautiful. He shouldn’t be calling me beautiful.

I knock, maybe too strongly, at Liam and Zayn’s room door. Almost one minute later Zayn appears in just pants and I’ve never, ever, seen him with his hair so messy.

"Louis?!" He gives me a look and I ignore it entering in the room.

Liam is sat in bed in the same state as Zayn. “Hey Lou” he greets me and I sit next to him “Everything okay with your… roommate?” he teases and I groan just by the thought.

"I can’t stand him," I say and Zayn laughs "This is not something to laugh at."

"What happened now?" Liam asks squeezing my back. He can be acting comprehensive but I know, on the inside, he’s dying to tease too.

"He’s annoying and never shuts up" I start, passing my fingers through my hair.

"Tell me something new." Zayn laughs and Liam and I give him a look "Sorry"

"And, ugh, we were watching a movie and he called me b-beautiful." I tell making a face and it’s when Liam finally laughs, making Zayn joining at him. I roll my eyes "Seriously…?"

"I’m sorry Lou, but that’s too funny." Liam says trying to stop laughing.

"Oh Louis, you’re beautiful!" Zayn mocks and I give him an annoyed look.

"He was joking," Liam tells me and I look at him "Not that you’re not beautiful Louis" he says and I can’t avoid but laugh a little "But we’re talking about Harry. And he’s always teasing you."

Yeah he’s right, oh god I don’t even know why I walked here to tell them this. It’s stupid. He’s always playing around and I can’t believe this time I took it serious. But it just, sometimes he’s weird and I don’t understand him, at all. And god his voice when he said me that… It made me… shiver and blush. Oh Jesus no.

"I already gave my opinion on the matter" Zayn says, dressing up a shirt.

"If you’re going to say bullshitt, better be quiet Zayn" I warn him and he shrugs. I don’t really want to hear what he has to say.

 

~*~

 

I come back to the dorm around 11pm, not because I wanted to avoid Harry - maybe I wanted to but that wasn’t the only reason - but because when Zayn, Liam and I start a game on Zayn’s Xbox we just can’t stop. I might be turning 20 but that doesn’t mean I don’t like playing video games, right?

When I get there, Harry is in his bed and I’m impressed with that. He’s on his iPod but for what it seems, he doesn’t have his headphones on because the moment I shut the door is the moment he looks at me.

 

"You’re back" he says and I nod unsure if I should be feeling the way I am feeling.

I walk to my side of the room and take my pyjama from the wardrobe “Are you going to change?” he asks

"Yeah, I’m going to the bathroom" I answer not daring to look at him

"You can change here, no need to walk there just for that" he says simply and he’s actually acting as if nothing have happened. Yeah maybe it didn’t and I’m overreacting.

"No it’s fine." I say and he nods.

It’s not fine, it’s actually annoying to walk there to dress myself and then walk back to the dorm. But I do it and come back quickly so I can finally sleep.

"So I was looking at your pictures that you have on the wall," Harry says as soon as I enter the room.

"Why were you-" I start but he cuts me off.

"And they actually look nice."

"Thanks" I mutter and walk to my bed. If my routine is going to be like this, well, Zayn was wrong and this year is going to suck.

"Did you take them?" Harry asks.

"Some of them yes."

"Have you ever thought about joining to the photography club?" I know he’s there so I don’t think about joining it.

"I’m already on the football team, as you know, so I don’t think so" I say laying down on my bed.

"Oh I see… That’s great but I always preferred photography. You know there we can…" and that’s when Harry Styles took twenty minutes of my time to hear him talking about photography and how he loves it. I have to admit that there were some stories that made me laugh… yeah I actually listened to him because I don’t see the point of ignoring him while he talks to me with so much passion. I can even notice how happy he looks by talking about it by my bed.

By the time he is already talking about random things is when I start feeling sleepy so I tell him I’m going to sleep. Somehow he keeps talking but then probably gets sleepy too and finally shuts up.

"Louis?" I hear, probably five or ten minutes later

"What?" I sigh

"Do you think pigeons have feelings?" he asks and oh my god.

"I’m gonna give you one more chance to shut the fuck up" I groan already tired but somehow amused. I hear him chuckling.

"Night Louis." he says and I hum in response. I finally enjoy the silence because this time I fall asleep first so I don’t hear his snores.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this sucks at first but the chapters will be better later on, promise.x


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this might sound a bit weird and stupid but oh well

This morning I finally wake up at the sound of my alarm. I take a few minutes till I finally decide to leave the bed, but impressively when I do Harry is already up.

 

"Morning!" I hear but I’m too sleepy and out of this world to answer. I sit up on the edge and consider if I should or shouldn’t do my bed before going to classes. Basically I think about random stuff in the morning. I stand up and walk to my wardrobe.

 

“Sleep well, Louis? You seem tired!” I hear, once again, Harry’s voice and this time I give him my attention.

 

"Just…" I yawn "…sleepy." I say and I don’t know, it must be the lack of sleep, it seems I hear something like ‘cute’. But I push it to the back of my head.

 

When I turn around, already with my clothes in hand, Harry is facing his back at me and he’s… shirtless. Well it seems he has no shame and well, no need to he has a, hum, pretty back? Oh Jesus what am I saying?!

 

 

I don’t realize that I am staring, in the middle of the room, till Harry turns around with his shirt in hands, giving me another view… Well he sure has abs and his tattoos look good on him. He catches my gaze and of fucking course, gives me a smirk.

 

 

“Like what you see, Tomlinson?” shit. He must think he’s really good and he sure has a high self-esteem.

 

I don’t really know what to say, so not to embarrass myself even more I walk out from the room as quickly as possible.

 

 

~*~

 

 

"Louis!" I hear calling from me, I know the voice, I turn around to face a blonde haired guy running towards me and… Harry walking not too far from him.

 

 

"Where are you going?" he asks when reaches me.

 

 

"Going to have lunch in the restaurant across the road" I answer. That restaurant is the cheapest I can find with good food, close to the campus so it kinda turned into something usual since last year, when I decide not to eat the food from the cafeteria.

 

 

"Mind if we come?" Niall asks and I shrug, signaling for him to follow me. I find myself looking weirdly at Harry as if I was waiting for a Hello or a smile coming from his lips, but instead he only pays attention to his phone. Well that’s good, in a way… so I’m just going to be glad that he’s not teasing me.

 

 

When we reach the place, it’s kinda hard to find a table but we manage to get one, firstly aimed for two seats but we take another chair so Niall sits on it and Harry sits across me. We order and Niall and I take the opportunity to chat, while Harry is still, for what it seems, texting someone. I know him too well to bet he’s texting a girl that he’s now hitting on.

 

 

"So Harry," I’m gonna regret saying this "who’s the girl you’re into now?" he raises his head and for the first in this half an hour he looks at me properly. By the time, the moment from this morning was forgotten so now it makes no sense being bothered by it.

 

 

"Oh. Just a girl I met today in one of my classes. She’s hot" he grins and I frown. That’s the thing I don’t like about him. He finds someone hot, he gets interested, they make out and then he just forgets it. He can be a nice person but that part of him screws everything.

 

 

"Is she going to be like Melinda?" Niall asks with a certain look. He shares the same opinion as me about Harry. The difference is Harry is his best friend and Niall loves him unconditionally - probably like half of the campus.

 

 

"Probably," Harry answers with a laugh and that just pisses me of, making me let out a half sigh half groan. I don’t know what happened between him and Melinda but I don’t need much to guess “What?" he asks looking at me.

 

 

"I don’t know what the reason is for doing the thing to those poor girls." I shake my head.

 

 

"Doing what?" he seems confused which makes me hating him even more

 

 

"Taking advantage of them" I reply and I find him laughing a little again.

 

 

"I don’t force them to do anything. It’s fun for me and for them and they don’t seem bothered with that." he says then, shrugging. "Besides by the way you’re saying it, it seems like I’ve fucked half of the girls on campus."

 

 

"And you haven’t?!" I act indifferent but this conversation makes no sense now and Niall notices it too by the way he’s looking at us - but observing it better he always looks at me and Harry like this when we’re talking.

 

 

"No… I also fucked half of the guys" he winks and the teasing came later this time.

 

 

"You’re disgusting" I shake my head, why do I waste my time with him?!

 

 

"I’m joking Louis, jeez. It wasn’t that many people."

 

 

"If saying it makes you feel any better." I roll my eyes and he sighs.

 

 

"You need to get laid Louis." I choke on my own saliva and he laughs at my performance.

 

 

"And you need to grow up and instead of fucking every person you think it’s all right you should think about finding someone not just for a one night stand." I yell and now half of the people from the restaurant are looking at us. I find myself sinking into the chair, just wanting to disappear.

 

 

"Are you guys seriously fighting because of that, here?" Niall manages to step into the matter.

 

 

"You think is easy Louis?" Harry says, obviously ignoring Niall, and somehow he seems serious but I don’t think he’s hurt by my words. Well maybe he agrees with me. "Do you think I don’t have someone in mind?" that’s funny, "But it’s not enough me liking that person, so it’s not as he’s going to like me back, especially when he doesn’t give a fuck." but he’s not joking for sure.

 

 

"Well you’re used to have everything in front of you in a blink of an eye. It’s not just fucking other people that you’re going to gain something from." I say honestly. He stays quiet so I’m assuming the conversation is over, ready in time because I was imagining Niall exploding.

 

 

"It’s not that easy" I hear Harry mumbling and it’s probably the first time I see him looking down with a serious expression after an argument with me. When I’m about to answer the food arrives, and we keep silent which is weird since I’m used to Harry’s jokes and Niall laughing loud.

 

 

~*~

At the end of the day I walk to the library to read my book once again but this time I’m being followed. I don’t know if I can call this that, but Harry appears from nowhere and he doesn’t say a thing, he basically walks next to me. As I can’t stand this - basically him - my patience just lasts a minute till I finally stop looking at him weirdly - but he doesn’t even look at me back.

 

"Are you following me now or something?" I ask with a straight expression.

 

"That’s the point." He answers still not looking at me but well he’s already acting normal - normal for Harry-, I was expecting him to talk to me like he did at lunch.

 

"You’re sick." I say but I don’t know why I find myself hiding a smile. He just laughs and we keep walking since I don’t say anything else.

 

We reach the library and I sit on the chair from the table and take my book from my bag. “So you always come here to read, then?!” Harry asks, sitting next to me.

"That’s the point." I joke but don’t take my eyes from the book.

 

Thankfully he keeps silent when he finds interest in a game on his iPhone, allowing me to read in peace. An hour later I’m ready to go and if Harry was bored all this time he chose not to say it so we walk away from the library not saying a word to each other.

I find this whole episode really bizarre I mean what’s up with him? He just decides to follow me to the library and prefers to be there with me, playing a stupid game on his phone while I read so then we come back to the dorms together? Okay thinking this way makes things seem something that is not. Am I even making sense?

 

No you’re not Tomlinson.

~*~

Harry didn’t go out tonight and I was expecting he would since he’s now hitting on that girl from his class. Now we’re both in each other beds and I’m faced up, looking at the ceiling and as strange as it seems I’m thinking about today… about Harry. Trying to understand him. But I don’t know why I’m trying, it’s been a year I’ve known him and since then I never could do it so why now?

"Harry," I hear my own voice which Harry hums in response - did we change papers?-"why did you follow me to the library? You did nothing and, erm, you were just there… sat beside me."

 

"Oh," he answers not giving time to himself to think about what he has to say next "I just wanted to be around you." and he really needed to think before speaking.

"W-What?" I’m shocked, I don’t understand him. He was always like this but NOT like this. I’m confused… It’s like now he says these things seriously, not joking like it sounded the other times. "Erm, you-I, w-what…?" I can’t say anything straight

"Goodnight Lou." he laughs and ugh it’s the adorable laugh.


	4. Chapter 4

"Louis…" I hear someone calling my name but I’m confused, is it real or am I still dreaming?

 

“Louis!” I hear a little bit louder and then I wake up. When I open my eyes I’m faced with Harry’s green eyes close to me and he doesn’t stop shaking my arm gently.

 

"Lou, it’s time to wake up." he says and his voice doesn’t sound nagging which is impressive since he just woke me up.

 

"Time to wake up?" I mutter. What day is it? I don’t even know.

I turn around, facing my back to him. I hear him laughing lightly and then I feel his touch once again on my shoulders.

 

"C’mon babe, it’s late, you’ve classes" he whispers inmy ear and I shiver, then all of that is pushed to the back of my head when I realise that yeah I’m probably late.

 

"FUCK" I shout and jump out of the bed, making Harry fall backwards onto the floor. I don’t even bother myself to tell him sorry, I even put my shame and discomfort aside when I undress my pyjama to wear the first thing I can find, ignoring Harry’s gaze on me.

 

“I can’t believe I oversleep, shit,” I mumble while I get ready. “You could have woken me up earlier” I say jumping with one foot to put on my shoe.

"Sorry, you looked tired yesterday so I thought about letting you sleep a little bit more." he says and when I look at the time Harry’s a little bit seems to be a lot more than it should, like hum I don’t know, one fucking hour later!

"I’m fucking late Harry, ugh, don’t decide those kind of things." I shout at him and grab my stuff. It’s impossible for me not to hear the alarm. But when I check my phone to see if it actually sounded I see that it had been turned off.

 

“You turned off my alarm?” I ask shocked and he finally stands up from the floor where he has been the whole time while I panicked.

 

"I told you, you looked really tired yesterday. Besides you never skipped one class so it’s not a big deal." he says it as it’s the most normal thing to say. So now I’m really pissed.

 

"What the hell. Oh my god fuck you Harry, seriously?! I can’t believe this" I shout once again and don’t give him time to answer when I run out of the dorm to my classes.

It’s been almost three weeks since the first day of classes so of course I have a lot more work now and that the soccer team from the campus has already started, I’ve practise Tuesdays, Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays. I’ve got to admit it’s been taking my energy away and I study everyday so I can follow every subject. I think it’s easier for me to be applied in the studies even if I get tired easier. But Harry had no right to do this, I’m actually pissed.

~*~

After the morning period I come out of the classroom with my tummy grumbling for food. I didn’t eat anything since I woke up late and I fucking needed it.

 

"Hungry?" I hear behind me and I jump from surprise.

 

"Jeez Harry" I can’t believe after me fighting with him this morning he still comes picking me up. I still don’t understand him, since we’re roommates he waits for me in the morning, then he picks me up on my classroom door so then we go have lunch with the others and at the end of the day he goes with me to the library and I still don’t know why he does that because he just sits next to me playing on his phone. I just wanted to be around you. His words play on my mind, why am thinking about this now?

"Sorry!" he chuckles "Let’s go eat then?" he gives me a soft smile and starts walking, not before making me signal to follow him

"Aren’t you mad?" I ask walking near him.

 

"Erm," he looks at me confused "no… Why should I be?" he asks then.

 

"Because of the way I shouted at you this morning." I reply and he shrugs.

 

"I’m already used to it," oh, that makes me feel kinda bad but yeah, these days have been like this. There are times when we are okay and we actually talk nicely to each other but then,the next minute he’s annoying me and I talk to him harshly as usual. Then there are the awkward moments when he… flirts with me? But then he acts like nothing have happened so I suppose I should do the same. Seeing things better it’s just like last year…

"But yeah sorry about turning off your alarm" he says "Are you still mad?" he asks and I find worry in his words as if it’s really important for me to answer him

 

"No…" I answer, making him smile. I think it wouldn’t be fair being mad and in the end I appreciated that extra hour of sleep, I was really tired and well I might be grateful to him for his concern. Harry concerned about me, that’s new. I think.

"The others are not coming so it’s just you and me." he informs me while we walk out from the campus to the usual restaurant.

 

"What’s up with them?" I ask confused. At least I’m not scared to be around Harry alone anymore.

 

"I don’t know about Liam and Zayn, but Niall stayed with some friends."

"Friends?" Niall is not a guy to stay with some friends, he has his own group - us - and he basically stays around us and we know each other’s friends and to be honest I don’t see who Niall could be with since he doesn’t have friends who he goes out to have lunch or spend time alone.

"Yeah, y’know from his new roommate." it makes more sense then, but still.

 

"Weird." I comment but Harry decides to drop the subject and talk about some silly thing that happened with him today in the bathroom. Okay…

We reach the restaurant and because it’s just the two of us it’s easier to find a table. We order and Harry keeps talking and I’m not impressed.

"Do you remember Christine?" he suddenly asks, probably noticing that I’m not paying much attention to his conversation.

 

"Christine?" I ask confused

 

"Yeah the girl from my class." I nod as an answer, not sure about what is coming.

 

"Well she slapped me" he says laughing and I wanted to laugh too but I just look at him shocked instead

 

"When-Why?" I ask and he shrugs.

 

"Last week," so he tells me that now?

 

"She wanted to use me as her toy basically," he shakes his head "and I said no."

"As a toy?" I raise my eyebrow

 

"She just wanted sex Louis" he laughs

 

"Oh. What a bitch then." but I don’t understand… "But you just rejected her? She was hot and I thought you were into her."

"Yes but…" he sighs "what you told me weeks ago made me think and if you didn’t notice," he smirks and that smirk gives me shivers through my spine and I can’t find the reason why "I’m trying to get what I want." he says, still with that smirk, and I feel his hand above mine which I have rested on the table. I frown looking at the gesture and then at his words.

 

"What do y-you mean…?" I ask and when he’s about to speak again he’s interrupted.

"Louis!" I hear and next to our table I see a familiar face. I pull my hand away from Harry, asking myself why the hell they were still touching

 

"Bryan!" I smile at him and he smiles back, and that’s the smile whose I wouldn’t mind to sit and watch all day.

 

"Nice to see you outside the field." he says

"I can say the same." I say not taking my eyes from him. He’s not just a simply guy, he’s just the most amazing guy I’ve ever met so far. We met last year when I joined the football team, he was - and is - a year above me but he welcomed me so well and I felt really integrated on the team thanks to him. "Are you here alone?" I can’t contain but ask.

"Yeah I am, just waiting for a table" he says and it seems dumb but when he talks it’s like he’s singing, it’s so good to hear and ugh that’s so lame.

 

"Well you can sit with us." I suggest and Harry kicks my leg under the table and sends me a look. I meet his gaze and give him a grimace. What’s wrong with him?!

 

"Oh I don’t think Styles would like the idea" Bryan says dropping our gaze to look at Harry. Harry looks a second at him but then looks away, at the table.

"I’m sure it’s fine" I say, Harry doesn’t need to like the idea, besides there’s nothing not to like here.

 

"Well okay then" he says and I grin. He asks for a spare chair and then the waitress brings a plate and the cutlery for him and he orders for himself.

"You look good today Tomlinson!" Bryan says all of sudden and I probably blush.

 

"What? He doesn’t look good the other days too?" I hear Harry when I try to say something. I look at him but he doesn’t look back. Bryan seems jumbled and that’s just the cutest thing ever, despite Harry’s behaviour and comment.

 

"Erm, not what I meant, it’s just… today you look absolutely, erm-" I giggle and decide to help him now

 

"I understood, thank you and you look great as always" He smiles with my comment and I’m sure I hear Harry sighing but decide to ignore it, like the rest of the lunch. I don’t even try to say something to him because he just keeps giving nasty comments and keeps mumbling and to be honest he doesn’t look like Harry.

If Bryan decides not to be around me anymore, at least not while I’m with Harry I won’t judge him. Harry almost eats him alive forgetting about his plate full of food in front of him. Still Bryan is always nice.

"Better go now," Bryan says, already outside the restaurant "see you tonight?" he asks and I nod, giving him another smile which he responds in the same way. "Bye Styles!" he waves at him, even if Harry doesn’t dare to look at him, and goes away.

"You’ll see him tonight?" It’s the first thing Harry says when he disappears and he finally talks in his normal and kind tone of voice.

 

"Yeah, soccer practice." I answer "And what the hell was that?" I ask in indignation but he ignores me and starts walking. I don’t move and he probably just notices that I didn’t follow him when he stops and turns away "Are you coming or not?" he asks, shoving his hands on the pockets from his jeans.

"Not until you tell me what happened there." I say.

 

"It was nothing." he simply answers, still three steps away from me.

 

"It was something Harry." I speak coldly

"I don’t like him." he says shrugging and starts walking and I decide this time to follow him.

 

"Wait," I call him running to be near him, I hate when he starts walking in big steps because I just can’t follow him "why don’t you like him?" how can he not like him? Bryan is like Harry, everyone likes him.

"Do you like him?" he asks instead of answering my question. I feel my cheeks burning and I don’t even know why.

 

"Erm, yeah I-I like him." I stammer as if I am confessing something.

"Oh." he looks down and I don’t find anything else to ask and even if I had something he probably wouldn’t answer. So we keep walking in silence, but it’s an uncomfortable one. Which is new.

When we reach the campus Harry follows me till my class still not saying a word. “Do you have classes?” I ask and he nods.

 

"But I’m not going." he adds and I shake my head

 

"You should go" not that I care but I think he should be more conscience about what he does. He has to see that he’s here not to skip classes but to learn something useful.

 

"Not feeling really well" he shrugs and walks away saying anymore word. I sigh at his behaviour. I feel like his father, not like his roommate. Things have been really weird.

~*~

I reach the room at half past nine and once again Harry is on his bed, but this time he’s not with phone nor with his iPod, he’s just looking at the ceiling.

 

“Where have you been?” he asks right after I close the door. He doesn’t bother to sit up or look at me.

"Soccer training…" I answer as it’s the most obvious thing ever. Oh wait it is.

 

"Oh, right." he says and we fall into silence. Never thought I would find it this uncomfortable, but I quickly dress my pyjama – I always take advantage of taking a shower after the practise. Well at least, with Harry in this state, I don’t have him giving me looks while dressing myself.

"Are you sick, Harry?" I ask, starting to feel a little bit worried about his behaviour. Hes been acting this way since we saw Bryan and it’s just weird.

 

"I don’t know." he answers and I roll my eyes

 

"How don’t you know? It’s Friday and aren’t you thinking about going out?" I ask laying on bed, with my back rested on the headboard, to read a little since I’m having no time to do it when I use the time between the practise and classes to study.

 

"Don’t feel like it and just feel… weird." he answers after some seconds. What a surprise, Harry feeling weird.

Jesus this guy is so hard to understand. As soon as I met him I gave up on it anyway, so I decide not to say anything else and enjoying the fact that he’s being quiet.

For as much as I want to read for an hour straight, the exhaustion doesn’t allow me to. I’m so glad tomorrow is Saturday and I don’t have classes, a few more hours of sleep will make me feel better, I hope.

 

"Harry?" I ask just to check if he’s still alive since I don’t even hear a snore coming from him.

 

“Yes?”

"Just checking. I’m going to sleep, okay?" he hums as an answer and it’s better if I don’t say anything else.

 

I really wanted to ask why he is feeling this way but for what it seems not even he knows, does he? If I had to name someone who I wanted to read its mind, it would probably be Harry because I think he’s a box of surprises. He seems to have some weird thoughts. He’s like a hurricane, unpredictable. He can be a bad boy but on the next minute he can be the most tender person I’ve ever met and I don’t know which one is the real Harry. He acts differently around me as he acts with the other boys, I act like I don’t notice it and don’t make a big deal, but there are times when I just lay back and think about it. The way he talks to me, the way he always teases me and the way he looks at me. I’m sure if his eyes were blue it would be like the waves suddenly dance away back into the ocean. It’s strange. And I prefer not to understand it.

I don’t even notice falling asleep, just when someone wakes me up. “Lou…” And that someone is Harry, who is on knees once again next to my bed. I groan, I hope he’s dying and he needed to wake me up to tell me his last words, if not I’ll be pissed because why the fuck would he wake me up?

 

"What time is it?" I ask just to see if I can let him skip this time.

 

"I dunno, o-one in the morning maybe" he whispers. Whispering won’t make things any easier, Styles.

 

"I hope you have a good damn reason to wake me up Harry, I swear to-"

"Can I sleep in your bed?" he interrupts me, and there’s not a better way to make me stop half way through a threat. I sit up and turn on the light from the nightstand, having a better view of him. His eyes look tired and he’s with an unsure expression.

 

"You want to change beds?" I ask hoping my guessing is right. He bites his lip

 

"No I meant," he makes his best to avoid my look since I’m actually looking directly at him. "Can I sleep with you here in your bed?" he asks then. Wow, okay.

 

"Is everything okay?" I ask and of course I am worried now. I may not like him like everyone else does, but we’ve been spending more time together and I’ve know him long enough to consider him a friend. Even if I hate him. Well it’s hard to describe our friendship.

He looks up at me. He doesn’t want to talk about it, I can tell by the way he shrugs and plays with his fingers.

 

"Well, erm, I suppose you can…" If I feel uncomfortable with my arm and leg touching his while we’re watching a movie I can’t even imagine how I am going to feel now, especially when he’s shirtless. Well, it seems I’m going to know now.

He gives me a small smile which makes me feel a little bit more relieved and stands up. I crawl to the other side of the bed, giving him space to lay down next to me. The bed is small so I have to press my back on the cold wall. I was expecting Harry to face me his back but instead he’s looking at me.

This is so weird that it makes me laugh. But I fight with the urge or it would be worst.

 

"You okay?" I ask him and well, he smiles again

 

"Perfect, you?" he whispers

"Hum, yeah" I lie. Because first this cold wall makes me freeze and second… I have Harry Styles in my bed.

He turns off the light then and it’s less painful because now I can’t feel his look on me.

I don’t know how but when I finally fall asleep, I just know he’s closer to me and I can feel our legs and hands brushing.


	5. Chapter 5

I feel hot. I might be sweating even but… I feel comfortable. In an all weird way, because I remember last night and I know too well that Harry is next me. Not only next to me but he’s with his arms wrapped around my waist and his head is slightly rested on my shoulder, almost on my chest. I shouldn’t be feeling this comfort, much the otherwise. But I slept so well last night, the best I have since the first time I came back to the campus.

I try to move and check out the hours on my phone. It’s eleven in the morning, can’t believe I actually managed to sleep this much. The previous weekends I’ve been waking up around nine because I wake up and can’t fall asleep again and I deeply hate the feeling. Although I can’t stay here enjoying the moment and simply ignore Harry’s touch and presence.

Slowly I try to take his arms away from me to get out of bed, but my gentle movements to try not to wake up Harry are in vain when “No,” He groans, still with his eyes closed and wrapping his arms around me tightly “stay, please.” he whispers in a hoarse voice which honestly is- no, I’m not gonna finish this thought.

Harry snuggles now in the crook of my neck and lets out a sigh which I think is from pure comfort. I actually forget about the fact that I’m hot and need to step back the sheets and stretch myself, but I can’t do that. Not when I don’t want to change this position and make Harry pulling away from me. So I decide to stay.

"Thanks." he says and I feel his hot breath on the bare skin of my neck. I don’t even dare to say a word.

I might be forgetting about something such as… Harry and I are not a thing. What we’re doing now is something I would never imagine myself doing with him. I can’t stand him and there are times when he acts strangely around me. Like yesterday. And I’m not gonna even start when he teases me. I prefer using the word tease instead of flirt.

Ugh, I just hate him for all of this.

I could simply just get up from bed and ignore him, but I feel like I can’t. I’m gonna pretend that I’m still too tired to leave this bed so I’m ignoring the fact that Harry is cuddling with me so it won’t look as bad as it seems.

"Feeling better?" I ask not having the knowledge if he’s awake or not. I’m actually admiring myself for being able to speak now. I’ve been looking at the ceiling, now incapable to fall asleep again, for probably ten minutes just hearing and feeling Harry’s breath.

He takes time to answer, till he moves, not to pull away his arms or even himself, just to move his head’s position “Much better.”

"G-Good then." I gulp and this is so awkward - just for me for what it seems - because I don’t even know where I should put my arms so I have my left one next to my torso and the right one under Harry’s body but not even above it - so I ask myself if I should hold him or not .

"You’re so warm…" his voice is so soft and he looks like a kid now, getting closer to my body. "and, hmm, smell so good." he says, now not in a whisper, brushing his nose on my neck so I feel his locks of hair tickling my chin. Oh crap. This is so not right. But I can’t even move, I’m frozen. I’m feeling such a mixture of things, especially on my belly… but I’m sure it’s not butterflies, because those ones I just get when I’m with… Bryan.

"Harry…" I call his name and I realize that it comes out like I didn’t want to. It was a slight gasp, instead of the firm tone I should have spoken in.

"Yeah, Lou?" I try to look at him and he’s still with his eyes closed and snuggling against me. His lips are forming a smile that makes his dimple appear.

"What," I clear my throat so I don’t sound so… weak? "What are you doing?" I ask in a firmer tone.

He chuckles, sending more shivers through my skin due his breath on me.  
"Cuddling with you." he says, as simple as that. "It’s so good being here." He whispers and I’m not sure if he wanted me to hear it or not.

"What?" I ask

"Nothing, babe" he answers. I was going to tell him not to call me babe but then "Did you sleep well?" he asks and moves his hand from my waist to rest it on my chest. I can’t believe he doesn’t feel that I’m so tense by now. He doesn’t give me time to answer by saying "Because I did."

I gulp once again. The all new things and mixture of it that he’s making me feel, forces me to finally step away from him. He looks at me with a weird expression, not expecting it and as if what I am doing is wrong, holding himself up on his elbows. Well what it’s not right is me and him cuddling in my bed and, shit, he’s shirtless.

"I-I remember that I have practise today." I stammer and I realize that to get out of the bed I’ll have to go over him. To be honest I don’t care now, I just want to get out of here. So I move whispering an awkward "Excuse me" and part my legs above his torso to reach the edge of the bed. I can’t stop but finding his smirk too wild and cheeky and I shouldn’t have looked, because that makes me falling down on top of him and he lets out a small humpf.

I look widely at him; with my hands touching his bare chest; and he looks back. But the look he gives me is full of… fond. And it’s when I realize, by how close I am, how his green eyes are beautiful and when they shine they’re even more. His lips for a small curve and his dimples aren’t really deep on his cheek, but it makes it cuter and his skin seems to be so soft in this angle.

I pull my thoughts away, shaking my head and realising how much time we stayed looking at each other and quickly I jump off of him, grabbing my stuff to walk towards the door and not caring about anything else. “Don’t you have practise just at half past six?” I hear him before closing the door, but it’s too late to answer.

Shit what just happened?! This is so not right, I don’t understand the reason of my thoughts. I never had them, I only think about Harry when it’s to insult him mentally and never to think that his eyes are beautiful or how his skin seems to be soft.

I feel like I’m having a dejà vú when I run to Liam and Zayn’s dorm, but the difference now is that I’m still in my pyjama and carrying my bag. I knock strongly at the door and I just hope they’re here. This time is Liam who opens me the door and when I come in, Zayn is not here.

"Hey Lou." he smiles but then his smile drops and is replaced by a questionable look. "What the hell?!" his tone of voice is almost amused, but if I wasn’t feeling like I am now - I don’t even know how I am feeling - I would laugh. I step in anyway, ignoring it and drop the bag and sit on the floor. I rest my back on the side of the bed and pass my fingers through my hair.

"Can you talk to me?" he says almost shouting but somehow now with a concerned look; when I don’t open my mouth to talk and stay there only thinking; and sits next to me. "Oh…" I look at him and I see him rolling his eyes. "Let me guess, it was Harry again…"

"Yeah…" I bit the inside of my cheek and when he tries to speak, probably to say some shit that will end up annoying me I say quickly "This time was different, Liam." he gives me a look and I’m expecting that he’s waiting for me to continue. "Just promise me you won’t tell Zayn…" He nods "or anybody else." I finally say.

It’s better this way, this whole situation is too weird but I need to talk about it to someone and who’s better than my best friend?

It was weird telling Liam what happened this morning and how Harry asked me to sleep on my bed last night. He looks widely at me by the end and it seriously concerns me. “Wow,” he says then “He stepped his limits, hum?”

I sigh in annoyance “Yeah…” I might have admitted how I felt in that moment when Harry was curled up around me, except that I felt uncomfortable but I feel like if I’d told him, I was making it kind of a big deal.

"I might start to think like Zayn now, Lou." that is the only thing I don’t want to hear.

"Shut up." I shout in annoyance.

"Sorry Louis, but by what you told me… he just doesn’t want to tease you, he probably feels something else." He says and hearing it from him is worst. "And to be honest I think I always thought this way I just didn’t want to tell you because I knew how you’d felt about it… I mean he always acts differently around you as he acts with us."

"Yeah because I can’t stand him and he knows it so he just teases me" I try to defend my point that Harry can’t and doesn’t feel anything for me.

"Oh Louis it’s something else, are you going to lie and say that you never thought about it? Not even for a second? Are you that blind?!"

"No, he can’t" I insist. But I’m not gonna lie and say that I never thought about it, especially these last weeks. But I still can’t think that way. He’s Harry and we were always like this. But then there is it. What Liam told me and what Zayn keeps saying. Does that mean that if he feels something for me it’s actually not something… new? But, damn he doesn’t and if he does he’s with no luck because he knows better than anyone else that I don’t feel that way about him.

"After this I don’t have any more doubts, sorry." he says and I sigh.

"Well if that’s true then he has to find someone else because I don’t feel anything for him." I say firmly and Liam looks at me as if he’s thinking about my words. I think he’s going to say something when opens his mouth but then he closes it again and nods.

"Can I change here?" I ask then changing subject

"Sure mate! We can go eat something together then.” Liam suggests “Zayn is going to spend the day painting"

"Sure. Is he liking the paint club so far?" I ask bringing my bag to me and feeling relieved when I see that I do have a change of clothes that I put the previous day for after the training. "Yeah he seems enjoying himself. He’s doing what he likes you know…" I like the way Liam talks about Zayn and how he seems to know him so well.

"Yeah, I know!" I end up saying.

~*~

Basically, I spend all day with Liam out of the campus, just hanging around and taking in some fresh air. It’s good and I like having moments with just the two of us. I’m not avoiding Harry - and I’m talking serious. I didn’t get out of campus since I arrived, just to go to the restaurant across the street and I needed this Saturday to relax a little due the fact that I’ve been working so hard lately. So forgetting about the books, classes and… Harry, was good.

Now I’m in the locker-room, after the practise and dressing myself to finally go to the dorms. Maybe Harry is not there and I don’t have to face him. But the most probable is he acting like nothing have happened, as always. It’s better for me, in a way, so things don’t end up to be even weirder.

It’s when I’m tying up my shoes, sat on the bank, that I notice that someone is in front of me, and I know whose shoes those are. I forget completely about mine and look up to see a shirtless body and a smiley face.

“Hi Louis!” I stay looking more time than I should or needed at Bryan’s long and perfect torso till he puts on the shirt he is carrying in his hands.

"Hey Bryan!" I remember to answer. He sits next to me without warning and keeps looking at me with a smile.

"We never got time to talk during and after the practise, so how’s things going?" He asks and the words he choose to use makes me chuckle.

"They’re going all right since, erm, yesterday" I reply and he laughs a little. By the time just one or two members from the team are still in the room, since I was making time not to go so soon to the dorms. "What about you?"

"Fine" he smiles once again and jeez this guy is really beautiful. I mean I almost lost myself in his green/brown eyes, his smile is so charming and his honey-coloured hair, wet, looks darker but it’s so hot to see. "So you and Harry are friends now, hum?" he seems curious about the subject but to be honest, talking about Harry is not a thing that I’m pleased to talk about.

"We’re roommates, it’s kinda the same as last year" I reply then and bring my knee to my chest, resting my foot on the bank to tie my vans.

"Roommates? I didn’t know it!" He says "Is it too hard to handle?" he asks, joking.

"Well he’s an arse but there are times.." Times when he suffocates me, other times when he takes me seriously, other ones when he gives me headaches. The better to handle are when he makes me laugh, because Harry actually can make me laugh when he really wants to… and even when he doesn’t as such when he once fell in the hallway because he tripped over his own feet, or when the woman from the library hit him on the head with a book because he was singing too loud and even when he once was looking for his phone while it was on the back pocket of his jeans. Oh and of course I can’t forget the time he was trying to undress his tight jeans and his feet got stuck there and was yelling from my help, jumping in the middle of the room. He can be such a kid.

"Louis?" I hear Bryan’s voice and I look at him quickly

"Yes?" I ask confused

"Did you listen what I said?" Did I really get out from this world by thinking about Harry? I need to get in a fight with him so the only thing it comes in my mind about him is how an asshole he is.

"Sorry, I was distracted…"

"I see… Forget it then." He shakes his head and stands up from the bank. I grab his hand.

"No tell me." I drop his hand right when he looks at the gesture, but I might regret it when I see a smile appearing on his face.

"I was just wondering if… If you want to have dinner with me. Or I don’t know just drink a coffee somewhere, which you prefer." He smiles and is he blushing?

"I would love to go have a dinner with you” I smile back at him and I feel like my heart is trying to rip my chest off with so much emotion. Is he asking me on a date? Okay Louis, you aren’t a fifteen year old girl to start a scene now.

"Erm, maybe tomorrow, at seven?!"

"Perfect" I give with myself smiling since the moment he waves at me, then when he goes away, when I put my stuff back on the bag to the moment I reach the dorm.

"You look happy" I jump with the shock. I was so concentrated thinking about the whole thing that happened to me today that didn’t even give with Harry’s presence, sat on the chair from the desk, when I drop my bag on the floor and start taking my shoes off

"Christ Harry, how many times do I have to tell you not to do this to me" I breathe out and he chuckles.

"Sorry you just seemed so distant!" He smiles. Why is he smiling so much? "Long time to see you too" He says then. He’s definitely acting normally, as I expected.

"It seems so. You also look really happy" I say when he keeps smiling, showing his two dimples. A lot of change since yesterday I see.

"Because I am" I have to admit, Harry’s smile is beautiful, I never saw him smiling this way and it’s so contagious to the point of making me smile back at him… and this is a new thing. I turn my back at him when I realize what I just did.

"So where were you all day?" I hate when he starts with this kind of questions, about my day and this kind of shits because there is no point of making them, but what I hate the most about it - and I don’t even know why - is that he seems to be so interested about knowing my answer and hearing me talking about my day… and there are cases when he spends half of it with me but still asks me about it, just to see my point of view. It’s things like these that make think sometimes. "And don’t tell me that you were all day training" He says but not in a mean way, more like joking.

"No, I wasn’t…" I answer nervously, just hoping he doesn’t ask me why I lied to him. Basically just hoping he doesn’t bring the morning subject because I’m trying to act as normal as possible, like he is but with no effort. "I was with Liam, most of the time." I admit and he hums. When I see he won’t say anything else I dare to speak "What about you?"

"About me what?" He looks away from his laptop and turns the chair to look at me again and he seems surprised. Well even I am, I think I never asked him this. It is probably my good humour that is making me talking so much with him.

"What did you do?" I roll my eyes. His smile turns to be bigger and his eyes shine; or maybe is just the light from the nightstand.

"I ate with Niall, since I didn’t have you," I don’t even bother to react at this "and then I went to the photography club and came back here"

"Seems great." I nod and he smiles again. This boy smiles too much, really.

"Yeah but I missed you so it was just okay" he says, too casually and turns around, giving his attention to the laptop again. I can’t understand how he says these things so normally. I still think he should hate me by the way I treat him but no he keeps being nice and does this…

Maybe, after all, he does feel something for me and I’m just with this idea that he can’t and that it’s impossible for me to like him back that I can’t believe it so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to make this clear, i dont really know how uni life works and if what i'm writing is correct or not but i'm guiding myself by other fics i already read so sorry if something I write along this work is not correct.


	6. Chapter 6

I wake up in the morning too excited about the dinner with Bryan but when I receive a text from him in the middle of the afternoon, telling me that he needs to do something and actually can’t make it for the dinner the smile I had on my face till the moment, dropped. Of course he apologized himself twice and then ended up to ask me if we could go out on Friday - obviously I said yes - but I was really into it today and now, instead of being getting ready for my night, I’m sat on the floor from Niall’s room, playing some shitty game he has on his PlayStation while Zayn and Liam are snogging in Niall’s bed, Niall protesting about it and Harry is sat next to me and doesn’t shut his mouth for a moment.

"Niall why don’t you have FIFA?" I ask throwing the control away till it hits the wall next to the TV, sighing

"Hey be careful," he shouts, crawling there to taking it "I just didn’t have the opportunity to buy it yet" he shrugs  
"You’re saying that bullshit since last year, yet you have time to buy this crap" I point to the TV, referring to the game. Obviously my tone is from pure joke, but it’s actually true, no one has the game and I forgot to bring mine so the time runs slowly and this Sunday is turning to be really shitty.

"Well, Christmas is in two months, so you already know what to give me as a present" he smirks and I roll my eyes.

"Talking about holidays," we turn ourselves to Zayn and Liam "did you hear about the Halloween’s party already?" Zayn asks.

"Of course" Harry says and I’m not even surprised that he knows it and I don’t. Everything that touches a party subject he’s the first one knowing the details. "It’s going to be on the salon and people are talking about bringing alcohol so I’m in" surprise, surprise

"Is it allowed?" Liam asks, turning to Harry and he shrugs

"Probably not" he replies

"When is that going to be?" I ask and Harry laughs

"When is Halloween, Louis?" He asks, obviously mocking me and I choose to ignore

"Well that’s in three weeks…"

"Yeah but there are things that have to be done, don’t you think?" Harry says

"Are you going to think about helping to do something?" I ask obviously knowing the answer, and the others, know it too so they laugh by how stupid the question is.

"Of course I will Louis," he says wryly "But I’ll probably going to take some pictures for the journal"

"Can’t get drunk then" I wink, teasing and he laughs once again because I know he will anyway.

"Anyway guys, my point was," Zayn starts "are you all in? Because for what it seems we have to confirm it till next week to the people who are organizing it." As we already knew, Harry says yes immediately and if Harry goes, Niall goes too and if Zayn is interested, so does Liam is - and as expected they’re going together.

And then there is me. “Probably not.” I say and all their looks are in me.

"Oh c’mon Lou!" Niall pouts and I shake my head

"You love parties Louis!" Liam says and yeah that’s true, but I like them when they’re out of the campus

"Not these ones, they usually suck"

"I think this one is going to be cool and we’ll have to dress up in something so-"

"Worst," I interrupt Zayn, shaking my head "I hate dressing up on Halloween." I normally don’t even know what to use so it’s not really funny.

I feel a hand resting on my thigh, making me jump a little and when I look at Harry he is leaning over on my ear. “I bet you look hot wearing makeup” he whispers in an even hoarser tone and I actually shiver and my cheeks burn.

"What are you two whispering?" Niall asks, with the same amused expression as he usually has when Harry and I are… well like this.

I clean my throat and pull Harry’s hand away from my thigh “Nothing, Harry is just being Harry.” I roll my eyes

"I’m just being honest," he teases with the well so known smirk.

"Think more about it Louis," Zayn says then "It would be cool if we could go all together" he smiles and I end up nodding so they don’t mess with me anymore.

The rest of the time is spent playing more games and snacking. I’m so bored that even the floor seems to be comfortable to take a nap.

"I’m heading out, guys!" I say when things turn to be worst, these guys on Sundays are the worst.

"Already?" Niall asks, now sat between Zayn and Liam since he couldn’t stand the two anymore

"It’s already nine so better if I go to the dorm to prepare things for tomorrow and I want to read a little now"

"Always organized" Zayn mocks and I roll my eyes. One day they’ll be stuck on the other side by so many times I do it per day.

"I’m going with you, Lou" Harry says suddenly and Liam gives me a look which I ignore. He has been giving me those the all day when Harry would lean over to whisper something to me, or would touch my hand or thigh not needing to… basically doing the usual stuff. Even when I pull back he doesn’t give up and probably since I don’t do that now so often by being so used to it he’s pressing his limits. I think I let out this thing going on, not giving a big deal and maybe I should tell him since the beginning that what he does with me is not something friends do… I mean I made clear that I hated him - well that he wasn’t my favourite person in the world - but he seems to like hearing me saying no.

And maybe I get so used at it that I started to feel the need of those things so then I could say no, even not meaning it.

Whoa wait. What the hell?

"Let’s go Lou?" Harry asks, interrupting my thoughts and I thank him mentally. We say goodbye to the others and walk towards our dorm.

"Everything all right?" He asks on the way, when I keep in silence, even when he keeps staring at me. Not creepy at all.

"Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?" I answer not looking at him. This last two days were something to forget, I think. My head is a whole mess and I was expecting my Bryan date - I can call it that, right? - cheering me up but he had to cancel it. Damn.

"You looked happy yesterday and this morning but then since you received a message that your smile dropped." Did he really notice? Well it’s likely since he can’t take his eyes off me. The others didn’t even notice when I was more excited in the morning but Harry… Harry has to be all over the things that are happening to me.

"But I’m fine." I simply say, still not meeting his gaze because I know what his concerned look can do with people. With me.

"I’m sure you’re not." he insists "Who was the message from?"

"I don’t need to tell you." This time I say looking at him in indignation. I hate when he tries to get himself into my life.

"I know. But I wanted you to tell me because I know it bothered you." I don’t really want to tell him that I had a date with Bryan. First he doesn’t need to know, right?! Yeah, right. And then the last time we were with him, his mood changed drastically and he told me he didn’t like him. Did he get jealous? I mean if Liam and Zayn are right, if he does feel something for me he probably gets jealous - that would explain why he acted weird around me when I was hanging out with a guy from my class last year, but we were just friends anyway. But once again he doesn’t feel anything for me - especially something that’s not new, he was with so many girls and guys during the year so it’s hard for me to believe.

"I thought that I was going somewhere and ended up to have a shitty Sunday" I say so he wouldn’t pout and keep being annoying.

"Where? With who?" Annoying.

"It doesn’t matter." I answer in a firm voice and it seems enough for him to keep the way to the dorm in silence.

"Are you going out?" I ask when I see Harry changing clothes. He takes some time answering,

"Wasn’t thinking about going, but I was invited for a party and I thought better." he answers not in his usual tone of voice. Hope he’s not mad. Even if he is, it won’t last too long.

"Tomorrow is Monday" I inform him. But he doesn’t give much interest when shrugs and ignores me "Hum, fine." I say then and try to keep my eyes on my book and not looking at him while he dresses himself.

He looks mad for sure, by the way his eyes are really focused on his clothes, his lips are joined tightly in a firm line and even by the way he dresses in his shirt. And of course by the way he walks out of the room without saying a word. I’m not gonna lie I was expecting the usual bye Lou and his warm smile but well it’s not because of that, that I’m not gonna sleep at night.

Since I couldn’t manage to read more, is 11pm when I turn off the light and go to sleep. I don’t expect Harry to be here before 2am but it’s fine since he doesn’t wake me up.

~*~

"Shh, just be quiet" I hear after being woken up. Harry. I hear someone giggling. That’s not Harry. "It’s fine baby" I hear again and what the hell?

I hear then the sound of someone bumping on, for what I expect to be the nightstand and that’s when I gain courage to move and turn on the light.

"What the hell?" I yell when I see Harry pressing a girl into the wall. Did he seriously bring a girl to our flat? I don’t even wanna know what he expected to do with her while I was here sleeping. She doesn’t look at me widely, instead she giggles one more time. She’s fucking drunk. Harry, on the other hand, steps away from her with a guilty look. What? Did he forget that I was here?

"Are you two just going to be standing there, looking at me?" I spit when they don’t do anything.

"Erm, b-better if you go." Harry says, probably talking to the girl, not taking his eyes off me. His hair is all messy and I’m sure he went out with a plaid shirt too and not just with a blank t-shirt.

"Are you fucking serious?" She groans and that would be amused to watch if it wasn’t the circumstances.

"Y-Yeah, serious." He answers and she groans one more time before heading to the door and closing it strongly behind her.

I bow my brow when he gives me nothing but a look, still froze in the same place. “Did you seriously thought about bringing a girl to OUR dorm?” I decide to speak then, in an annoyed tone but trying not to raise my voice.

"I-I…" He tries to speak but I shake my head interrupting him

"I don’t even wanna know what you were thinking about doing here with her."

"Nothing," he quickly answers and I notice that he’s nervous and desperate when runs towards my bed and sits on the edge, next to me. I frown and try my best to keep away from him "nothing, I swear Louis. I don’t know where I had my head. It was a stupid act." Now is my turn to look at him widely then when he holds my hand. He’s basically panicking and probably drunk.

"Believe me, I promised myself that I wasn’t keeping with this, remember?" Oh right the conversation Bryan interrupted. When I open my mouth to speak and to shut him up he doesn’t allow me to but he drops my hand and sinks his fingers into his messy hair "I didn’t want to do anything with her. God why did I do this." I don’t really care but the guy is almost crying in front of me. Jeez.

"I’m sorry Louis. I’m so sorry" He says and his green eyes meet mines and somehow he looks so pretty. I don’t know if it is his face expression, but he sure looks gorgeous, and I always liked to see him with plain t-shirts and with his hair pulled back. I’m gay and I cannot like him but damn, I’m not blind and I always found Harry hot.

"Are you drunk?" After all of this is the first thing it comes in my mind to say and probably the stupidest.

"A little." He answers and his voice cracks and is hoarser than the usual. "Just please don’t think that I fuck everyone who comes ahead!" he looks at me and I’m sure he’s begging. He’s not just a little drunk.

"I won’t." I roll my eyes and laugh a little because now, it’s actually funny and it’s the moment to. I mean I am in my bed in pyjama, with Harry drunk in front of me begging me to not think he’s a slut and I just saw him with a girl pressed against a wall. How ironic?!

I want to shout at him, I want to make him so mad to the point of not speak with me again… but I can’t.  
He takes my hands once again and rests both in his lap “Please, I have to be sure.” He’s about to cry again and that makes me even more pleased.

"Okay Harry. I won’t, promise." I give him a smile, but it’s more like a laugh that I let it escape but it turns into a smile.

He nods and lets out a sigh of relief and finally I see him smiling too. “God, I feel sick.” He says and I take the opportunity to pull away my hands. I’m so sleepy, I just want to push him out of my bead and turn off the light to go back to sleep. And it seems that I passed it to him when he yawns and stretch his arms. “I’m not that drunk.” He chuckles. Well for Harry, he’s not really drunk, yeah. Because when he’s pissed, I can’t stand him, he wouldn’t stop laughing, talking, joking and yelling and then he would basically jump into my arms, which is the scariest.

"Sure you aren’t." I shake my head with a smile and he laughs a little and when he stops I’m expecting him to finally get out of my bed, but no. He looks at me and in a blink of eyes he’s leaning over, almost in my lap and making me pressing my back on the headboard from the bed while he’s with his hand next to my head and puts it on the headboard as well. He’s so close to me that I can feel his breath and with that the smell of the alcohol. His green eyes are fixed on my blue ones. "You’re… You’re so cute." He breaths out, literally. I feel my heart beating fast and his lips, that till here were firm, form a curve and he smirks, not taking his eyes out of mines. I gulp and when I see that he’s not thinking about pulling back, I rest my hand on his chest and push him away.

"You need to go to bed." I say, now not with the feeling to laugh.

"You’re blushing" he says and giggles. He fucking giggles.

"I’m not blushing." I shout, I’m not fucking blushing.

"You look even cuter!" he leans over again but this time whispers on my ear and I hate when he does that, because it’s like is voice affects all my body and makes me shivering.

I don’t need to pull him back because he does it himself, thank god. And please go away. “Can I sleep here?” He asks.

"No fucking way" I raise my voice so he can clearly hear the no.

"Are you with a boner?" He laughs a little. And this time I feel my cheeks burning. No, I’m not. I might be with a little of lack of sex but it wouldn’t be him, Harry Styles, just by whispering and talking really close to me that was going to make me a boner. "I’m kidding, love" he says softly

"I’m not your love" I groan in annoyance and he chooses to ignore my comment

"Let me sleep here, Lou" he pouts

"Jeez, Harry. No, you probably stink and you’re drunk and annoying me."

"Last time was so good, babe" Oh Jesus Christ. I sight again and roll my eyes "I’ll be a good boy!" he’s so into teasing me I swear that innocent not so innocent face, says it all.

"Harry-"

"Pleaaaaase" he interrupts me again. I know he won’t take a no as an answer.

"Fine" I say then "But be quiet and don’t touch me" he knows the meaning of my words. I come closer to the familiar and cold wall and lay down, facing my back at him.

The bed shakes and I suppose he stands up “What are you doing?” I turn around again and ask looking widely at him when hear a noise. Why is he taking his clothes off?

"I’m not gonna sleep in this, besides you said I stink so better take this off" He smirks and takes off his shirt.

I don’t know what I have in mind when I just turn back again when he’s just in boxers. The way he takes off his clothes… he knows what he’s doing by looking at me in that way. His body is so… perfect. There I said it. But fuck, everyone finds his butterfly tattoo silly but seeing the way I see, with his torso and shoulders exposed, his v-lines and all the details of his body so well visible and knowing that it’s almost impossible to touch makes me love it. And of course the one with the birds in his collarbones. Oh… his collarbones are so… perfect. I always had a thing for collarbones.

"Lou?" I hear Harry behind me and he’s close enough from me to feel his hot breath on the bare skin from the back of my neck. "Y-Yes?" I ask not daring to look back.

"You just moaned" He laughs and now I’m probably looking like a tomato. Did I really just moan?!

"Oh, I-I…"

"It’s fine babe, go to sleep then. Goodnight." he says and NO I can’t fall asleep now. Not when in my mind I’m playing this last two days and not when Harry makes me feel funny. I was never like this. I need a distraction and to be honest I need to see Bryan so I can see in front of my eyes the person who I probably like. And with a little of luck who can like me back, not like Harry - who I hope doesn’t remember this moment so it doesn’t make me feel worst.


	7. Chapter 7

"LOUIS!" I wake up startled with Harry screaming my name along with a loud noise as if something have hit the floor. Why can I be woken up gently once in a while?

 

I quickly sit up on bed - somehow on the opposite side that I remember falling asleep last night - and look at the side to see Harry on the floor with his eyes semi open and rubbing his head. I can't contain my laugh, watching him in that state and he can't hide his expression of pain mixed with annoyance.

 

I have to cover my mouth with my hand when I realise I can't stop my laugh and with that Harry follows me, forgetting his previous fall. His laugh is really contagious because even if I say it's annoyingly loud it ends up to cheer my day up, for much it costs me to admit.

 

"Did I sleep here last night?" he asks then, sitting next to me, groaning.

"It seems you did." I chuckle, still recovering from the previous incident and he looks at me with a grin on his face after continuing talking. "My head hurts so much! I must had been so drunk because I can't even remember coming back to the dorm" he admits and I think he just doesn't laugh due the headache.

 

"Well you were really out of this world since-" I stop myself from what I'm saying when I remember what actually happened last night. Sure he doesn't remember what he did-he doesn't remember, does he?

"Since what Louis?" He asks, raising his eyebrow noticing that I stopped in a middle of a sentence. "You don't remember anything that happened last night, do you?" I ask, trying to avoid anything that makes me keeping that previous sentence.

 

"Hum, no. What happened?" He scratches the back of his head and looks at me confused.

 

"Oh good," I'm probably not being subtle, but it's a relief. Although the problem here now is: I remember. I remember everything and now I can't stop playing that night on my mind. "Hum, you just woke me up and then it was the usual..."

 

"You shouted at me and I ignored you!" He laughs and I nod and laugh nervously.

"Yeah exactly, then you just passed out here. You're too heavy for me to, erm, carry you to your bed." This doesn't sound credible

 

"Well I'm surprised you didn't push me out sooner so I would sleep on the floor." Good point. "But I'm glad you didn't." he smiles and this time I don't laugh nor smile back "I can't believe I managed to take off my clothes" He says and shit he had to remind me? What annoys me the most is that he can be with a hangover but probably looks better than me that just woke up. "Or was it you?" He smirks and leans over, being closer to my face.

 

"Of course it wasn't me you brat" I shout, rolling my eyes and trying my best not to look at him. When I feel his hand, resting on my chin and forcing me to turn back at him, I open my eyes widely and then there is it again. My heart is pouting on my chest by how close we are. He cannot remember what happened last night, but he's sure having the same behaviour.

"Aren't you lying?" He says, slowly and his voice... his soft tone... almost makes me believe that I am actually lying. But I'm not. And I shouldn't think like this and feel this way. What the hell is wrong with me?

 

"What are you doing?" I slap his hand away and my tone is not the friendliest. He simply laughs. Just, you know, to be different

"I'm joking Louis" He pulls away "Jeez, all of this made me feel worst." He groans and lays back on the mattress, with his arm on top of his eyes.

 

"Are you going to be there looking at me or are you going back to sleep?" he smirks and it's impossible to have noticed that I just stayed in the same position looking at him. I can't even believe that I took the opportunity to look at his bare chest. Slowly he raises his arm, making me visible one green eye. I shake away the gaze and cough embarrassed. "You're blushing, Lou" He giggles. You're blushing. What a fucking not welcome dejà vú.

 

What time is it tho'? I'm not going to lay back with him next to me. It's probably already in the morning and even if it's too soon to wake up, I'm not going to be able to fall asleep again. "What time is it?" I ask harshly and ignoring his comment. He laughs a little. Annoying.

"I'm not a fucking clock. I don't know." He says putting his arm above his eyes once again.

 

"How funny you are early in the morning." I say wryly

"I know babe" he smirks. I just want to shout at him and tell him to stop smirking that way because it drives me nuts, in all the ways possible.

 

"Hand me my phone"

 

"Go get it yourself." Is he fucking kidding? Ugh, sure he is. He's with that stupid cheeky tone and teasing smile.

 

"Is in the fucking nightstand, next to you" I shout. Sure it would be easy reach it myself without arguing, but I know what he's doing, himself knows what he's doing. I need to go above him to reach the nightstand and I'm afraid it happens the same thing as the last time and I know this time it would be worst.

 

I want to get the hell out of here.

 

"You're in my bed. Go to yours." I demand, trying to calm myself.

 

"Don't be such a child Louis."

 

"Excuse me?" I ask with indignation. "Is you who are being a child here" he pisses me off so early, of course I'm always in a bad mood. "get the fuck out" I try to push him out of bed but when I do it I feel his hands wrapping my wrists and in just one move he presses me against the mattress, so he's now on top of me, between my legs and holding my hands next to my head. My voice doesn't come to yell at him, my strength to pull him away doesn't seem to give signal. He's so close to me that I can't even find space to breathe. I'm sure if I try to move, it'll be worst for my lower part due the fact of him pressing his knee on my crotch.

 

What is he doing? I can't allow him. I can't allow myself. "Do you really want to do that, Louis?" How dare he to talk to me like that? That se-seducing tone... All of this because of the fucking phone. If I knew it was going to happen this, I preferred to go get it myself.

 

"M-Move away..." why does my voice sounds so low, almost like a whisper, instead of coming firm as it should?!

 

"Do you want me to move?" I feel him moving his knee making friction on my lower part. Against my will I let out a moan and Harry smirks triumphantly. And to make matters worse he leans over, close to my ear "Does it make you feel good, Lou?" he whispers and I can feel his lips brushing.

 

That's enough for me to release my wrists from his hand and pushing him away from me. "Don't you dare to do that again" I yell - I mean, I try, since I don't seem to catch my breath - and he even looks at me surprised. I don't know if I should be mad with him for keep doing this to me or with myself for not stopping him sooner. “Everything has its limits Ha-Harry and lately y-you seem to forget about that. I want you to stop." if I wasn't so mad I would feel pity for him when he looks down at his lap, because Harry never breaks his gaze with mine, not even when I'm yelling at him, if it's not to laugh at it, he still keeps looking at me. Maybe this time he realizes what he did was too weird and for the first time agrees with me. 

 

I'm not expecting him to apologize so I get up from bed and after grabbing my phone to check out the time, I walk towards my wardrobe. What am I gonna do now? I'm not going to Liam and Zayn's place, besides they're probably still sleeping. Better just get ready to classes and then I'll see what to do. But I'm not gonna change with Harry here.

 

When I dare to look at him, he's looking at me and when I meet his gaze he doesn't look away as I wished him to "Do you-Do you want me to leave?" he asks and I gulp

 

"No it's fine." I say quickly and grab all my stuff, walking out of the door.

 

Right now I much prefer changing in the locker room than there, too much tension.

 

Thankfully there is no one in the room so I can change peacefully and... well take care of my boner. I feel so ashamed, I can't believe he actually did this to me. Maybe if I take a cool shower I don't need to take care of this with my own hands. Not that I was going to think about Harry while it... Ugh disgusting.

 

He's right, I do really need to get laid. If I wasn't so sexual frustrated this wouldn't happen so easily. Maybe that's the reason why I've been reacting this way towards Harry. I'm just confused. And all of this made me hate him even more.

 

~*~

 

It's been three days. Three days that I've been avoiding Harry at any cost. I just go to the dorm when I'm about to sleep and wake up a little bit earlier than the usual so I don't have to see him in the morning. Maybe I'm overreacting, maybe I'm doing too much but I don't want to take risks. What happened made me feel worse than I was before so it's better this way. At least he stopped harassing me.

 

When I appeared on Monday at the end of the day at the dorm he tried to talk to me. He was hesitating and when he saw that I was actually ignoring him, not in the usual way, I almost thought that he was hurt. For the first time. But I think he's been okay till here.

 

Sure Liam keeps asking me why I don't go eat with them and I keep telling him that I'm taking time to study. I don't know if he believes it but I hope so. I don't wanna tell him what happened because it would be too shameful, so it's better keeping this between me and Harry. I just can't keep avoiding him, right?

 

"Hi, Louis!" I stop my thoughts and finally take my eyes from my cup of coffee that is probably cold by now.

"Hey, Bryan!" I give him a smile and he asks if can sits in the chair in front of mine and of course I nod.

 

"You mind if I drink my coffee here with you?"

 

“‘Course not." a good company is something I need now. I don't see him since he invited me to our date and I can't believe I forgot about how good it is to see him and how much I needed it. After all is him who makes me feel butterflies.

 

"Is everything all right?" He asks and I think he's actually concerned

 

"Erm, yes it is" I reply not sure about it

 

"Your smile suddenly dropped and you got thoughtful."

 

"Did I?" did he really notice it? I didn't and I think it's just because I'm too tired and still with lack of sleep - and it's getting worst since these last three days I go to bed later and wake up earlier.

 

"Yeah... Did Harry reach his limit?" he laughs a little and he has no idea.

 

"It seems he did..." I answer maybe more serious than I wanted to "But let's not talk about him, okay?" he seems surprised but then a smile appears on his face. A different one.

"Okay. So, do you still want to go on that date tomorrow?" So it's really a date. And I can't believe I forgot that tomorrow is already Friday.

 

"Of Course!" I smile

 

"I'm sorry for cancelling the other day. It wasn't my intention but it came up a thing..."

 

"It's fine, really."

 

"I promise that I won't do the same this time"

 

"I hope not, I won't give you one more chance" I joke and both laugh.

"Your laugh is really the best thing to hear at the end of a stressful day" He says with a warm smile and this time Harry should be here to see that this time I'm really blushing and with a dork smile on my face.

 

And well I should be careful with what I think because, he is... Harry is really here. From all the coffee shops he could go, it had to be this one? And he's not being discrete when looks seriously at us. I sigh with annoyance when see him walking towards us.

 

"Louis can we talk?" he says as soon as he reaches our table. I look widely at him, we don't talk for three days and all of sudden he remembers to come here and ask me that? And that's not all, it's weird hearing his voice, hearing his voice and knowing it's directed to me.

 

Bryan looks at him as if he is scared, which is weird. "Don't you see that I'm busy?" I say dryly, looking down at the table so I can't look at both.

"I know but you need to come with me." He says quickly

 

"I'm not going anywhere with you." I say firmly.

 

"You're going back to campus with me" this time he says louder and when I'm about to tell him no again he grabs my forearm and drags me out of the coffee place with him, ignoring my protests while I try to ignore the looks people give us.

 

"Are you nuts? Let me go" I shout and this time when I try to release myself from him, he drops my arm - maybe he thought that since we're already so close to the campus that I'm not running back. "What was that?" I ask and I'm mad. I'm beyond mad, what was this all about? We don’t talk to each other for days and he does this after seeing me with Bryan?

 

"Why were you with him?" what?

 

"We were drinking coffee and talking, what the hell"

 

"You were laughing and smiling at him" He was looking at me before but now he looks down while we walk. I want to stop talking, so it wouldn't seem like I'm actually following him after what he did, and if we stopped we could talk better. Wait, we don't need to talk.

 

"Well maybe because he makes me laugh and smile." I say and I'm feeling so much hate towards him right now that I wish he actually feels something for me so now he can get hurt.

 

"I don't want you with him again." He says and now I stop. I stop because he's making me sick

 

"What the fuck did you just say?" I ask looking widely at him when he stops as well and looks at me.

 

"I don't want you with him Louis"

 

"You don't have the right to tell me that, you-"

 

"I don't like him."

 

"I don't give a fuck," I yell even if he didn't raise his voice once at me "I like him," he looks at me shocked and if I wanted to see him hurt then I saw it "so I won't stop seeing him because you said so"

 

"He's not who you think he is." he still doesn't raise his voice

 

"Shut up Harry." I'm tired and I'm not going to be here and handle his shit , so before I lose my nerves completely and punch him - it wouldn't be the first time though - I give him one last look and turn my back at him to walk away.

 

I'm grateful he didn't follow me, or even called me because I know if he did it I would stop. I don't also want to see the look he gave me again, because somehow he was actually hurt and I can't understand why if I had done worst and had said worst to him and this simple thing made him look miserable.

 

~*~

 

I come back to the dorm late at night and luckily, or not, Harry is not there. I go to bed and when I'm woken up, around one or two in the morning, by him I don't bother to turn on the light, move or talk. I stay quiet till the silence returns and I fall asleep again


	8. Chapter 8

The day passes slowly, probably because I'm too desperate to end and I think the clock decides to prank me. The weather doesn't help though, since yesterday that the sky is grey due the sun being hide behind the clouds and sometimes it explains my bad humour. But I think, this time is not the case.

"Are you listening to me, Louis?" I look at my side and Liam is looking at me with a non-so friendly expression. Has he been talking since we got out from the library?!

"I think I'm not" I admit. My head has been full of thoughts and I need a good night of sleep. But I think that will never come. Maybe on Christmas break... I groan with the thought, I don't know if I'll last that much. "I'm sorry. Can you repeat it?" I tell him

"No, forget." He says but not rudely, he gives me a comprehensive look and I'm glad he doesn't look upset "You've been studying too much, hum?"

"Erm, kinda." Let just say he thinks I study the double I actually do. "So do you want to hang out today? It's Friday and I think you need to take some air outside the campus." he suggests and I'm about to say yes when I remember. Shit how am I forgetting it?!

"I actually can't today" I say

"Oh for god sakes Louis don't tell me you've got to study" 

"No!" I laugh a little "I...hum, I actually have a date today." I smile at the ground but notice the surprised look he gives me

"You have? With who?" He asks in curiosity but when I look back at him he's smiling "Is it with Harry?" I drop my smile.

"What? No, why would it be with Harry?!" Why did he put that option?! And why did he say it as he wished he was right...?

"Oh... I don't know perhaps-" he sighs "Sorry, so it's with who then?"

"Hum, Bryan." 

"BRYAN?!" Liam knows Bryan. He knows how I think about him and knows how I might feel but he never believed it, he doesn't think that I'm sure about my feelings. Never understood why.

"Yeah... What's the problem with that?" 

"None. It's just..." he sighs again. "I'm happy then. For you." he gives me a smile while squeezing my shoulder.

"Thanks, bro."

"How... How did Harry react?" He asks after some seconds. But is this people crazy and obsessed with me and Harry?

"He doesn't know and doesn't even need to. What the hell Liam?!" I almost shout "Why all of this?"

"Louis, Niall told me-"

"Shut it. I'm sick of talking about him." With all of this we reach the hall from our dorms. "I need to get ready. We talk tomorrow." I say opening the door

"Okay, have fun Lou." He says and gives me a small smile after leaving.

Harry is still not here. Which is good because I seriously don't wanna see him today. Yesterday it was really... I don't even know how to explain. I felt like he was hurt with my words, but I can't really have sure of it since I never saw him hurt because of me. 

I don't want you with him Louis. He said. He's not my boyfriend, he can't decide who I hang out with. Even if he was, he had no right as well. And why am I putting this guess? 

I let myself fall on the bed, I've been a mess. I'm even ashamed of going out with Bryan looking like this. I have dark circles under my eyes and I can't even listen to a person talking to me. I'm going to be such a bad company tonight.

My thoughts are interrupted by my phone buzzing on my pocket.

Get ready in an hour, I can pick you up on your dorm. Is that okay? :)

-Bryan

Sure, in an hour then. :)

-Louis

I stand up - one more minute and I would probably be sleeping - and try to pick something up to wear. Which ends up with me changing to another shirt, my black denim jacket and my black converse so I don't look as different as I looked before. But I can't believe I actually took an hour to get ready - probably it was my hair then - so as soon as I think I look more presentable I hear the door.

"Hello!" Bryan gives me his usual charming smile. He looks so adorable in fluffy sweaters, makes me want to hug him and bury my face on his chest, I bet he smells good. I don't need to, I'm sure he smells. Just being next to him I can smell his perfume. It's really attractive to be honest. He still can't smell as good as... What was I going to say? I really need this time with Bryan.

"You don't seem excited." he says while we walk outside. His smile drops and it's heart-breaking.

"Oh I'm sorry. I am, really." I say and mean it "It just, is the end of the week so..." I bite my lip. I knew I was going to be a bad company, I just hope he doesn't regret inviting me. 

"Okay then. Are you hungry?"

"Yes I am, actually" 

"I made a reservation on a restaurant and then we can go to the cinema. How is it sounds for you?"

"Sounds perfect" I smile and we reach the restaurant really quickly and if I knew it was going to be this posh I would have come better dressed. I mean I'm wearing a brick-colour shirt and converse "You could have told me we were coming here so I wouldn't be wearing... this." I tell him while we sit on the table that the waiter indicates to us. 

"Why? You look great, Louis. It's nothing special and I'm wearing a sweater not a shirt with a tie" he laughs

"Yeah but you look perfect anyway" I mumble, not expecting him to hear but he rests his hand on top of mine and gives me a sweet smile.

"You're so cute" I blush but... something is not right. I want to pull back this thought but when he said it, it's like I was just picturing Harry telling me it, as if the way he said is the one that makes me feel... special. Dammit Louis you don't like Harry why are you thinking this way? I'm sure I don't like him but it was probably this last month that made me feel this way.

"So," he starts and I'm actually thankful for it "had things gone well between you and Harry" or not. Shit I forgot that I let him alone on the coffee shop.

"Oh," how can I start this "hum, kinda... I'm sorry for that by the way. He made a scene and I should have texted you."

"It's fine, but I just got worried, he seemed mad and I don't know, did-did he hit you?" What?

"Hit me?" I ask confused, Harry never hit me. I hit him once but he actually got it in a joke, even with his nose bleeding. It was creepy. "No, he didn't. He wouldn't dare." I say honestly

"Good, then."

"Why do you took that conclusion?" I ask, really curious. Did Harry ever hit Bryan? I don't like him, he actually made sure to show me how he felt towards him. 

"Because he's Harry." he laughs a little, but I don't really find it funny.

"Is he violent?" I ask hesitantly. He never seems to be. At least with me. This conversation is getting in a way I never expected to.

"We can say that..." I'm not gonna even ask if he already got in any fight with him because the answer is kinda obvious. But why? Why does Harry hate him so much? 

"Well, not with me so..." and even with Niall, Zayn and Liam. Maybe he's just with people he doesn't like, maybe he is just with Bryan. He's not who you think he is, it's like I have his voice inside of my head telling me it.

"Weird" I frown. "Skipping, why are we talking about him anyway?" I try to laugh just to break the tension. 

"You're right." He smirks "Let's talk about... us then." he says and I'm sure I blush again.

"Hum... okay then." I stammer and I feel the butterflies. Just what I needed.

"You know about this Halloween party? More like a masked ball?" masked ball? I didn't know it was like this

"Yes, Zayn talked about it. Are you going?" 

"I don't know, it will depend..." He smirks, looking at me in the eyes. If it was another person I would feel uncomfortable, but to be honest, I am not.

"In what?" I ask noticing that he didn't continue

"If you come with me." I feel my heart beating fast again. Did he invite me as his pair?

When I start stammering, not knowing what and how to answer he chuckles. "Erm, I-I wasn't thinking about g-going..." I cough to hide the embarrassment

"Oh," he seems disappointed "I really wanted to go with you, you know?" he says and I blush. 

"Why?" What am I saying "I mean, I-I..."

"Because I like you." He says still looking at me and I think it's the smile he is giving me that makes me feel the way I am feeling. Does he really like me? Well he wouldn't say it if he didn't feel it. He sure invited me to a date and to be his pair... Because he likes me. I can't believe that the guy I have a crush for almost a year likes me back.

"Oh." I try my best to hide my happiness so it doesn't seem so bad. "Well... I go with you then." I manage to look at him and meet his eyes which right now, due the light, are green and give him a smile. I want to tell him that I like him back, but something is stopping me. Stupid, I am stupid. It's like I don't have the courage to. 

~*~

I knew it, the clock was playing me a prank. My time with Bryan passes quickly this time. The dinner goes pretty well and it is not awkward after his confession. We go to the cinema and watch a movie, not a romantic one because I'm not a fan of those.

Maybe he puts his arm around my shoulder and maybe we end up cuddling, with my head leaned against his. It is warm and I felt... good. 

So it's almost midnight when we're walking to the campus, right in time because small drops of rain start to fall. Our hands are brushing, maybe by accident or maybe because we want to. I’m expecting him to hold my hand when he looks at me and then at our hands, but he just gives me a smile and we keep walking. 

I look like a girl now. But I can be all grumpy sometimes but when it touches this subject I am kinda sappy. I'm actually happy right now and this day made me feel more alive.

"Thank you for everything. I had a lot of fun." I say honestly when we reach the hall from my dorm. 

"Me too, it was great Louis" he smiles "Hum, do you want to eat breakfast with me, tomorrow?" he asks and I find cute the way he scratches the back of his head and tries not to look at me, shyly. I giggle due the fact of it.

"I would love to" I try to transmit assurance by my tone of voice and smile and then he meets my gaze and smiles back. And it actually reaches his eyes.

"Great. I'm going now then" he chuckles. I don't know how to tell him goodbye. Hug him? Simply telling him? 

My doubts disappear when I see him leaning over. For a moment I think he is going to kiss me. I wouldn't mind but a part of me is telling me that no, we shouldn't. But then he kisses my cheek and when pulls back gives me his last smile. "Bye Louis." and walks away. Leaving me, trying to recover my breath, since I had to hold it, and an ache on my belly. But it's probably a good one. 

I walk to my dorm, with a smile from ear to ear, but when I open the door to walk in, that smile fades away.

"Fucking tell me Liam!" Harry yells and I never heard him yelling like this. He's facing his back at me but I see that he's on the phone, for what it seems, with Liam. "I don't give a shit just-" he stops when hears me closing the door and turns around. I give him a weird look, from confusion and maybe even from shock by the way he was talking to Liam and then I see him turning off the phone and throwing it to his bed. "Where have you been Louis?" He asks and he's kinda furious. His tone is not as harsh and loud as it was with Liam but it's not also the usual tone he speaks to me. 

"Out." I answer, gulping. Something is telling me that is better not telling him where I was. But... he has nothing to do with it, besides why is he acting like this?

"Where?" he insists and I don't dare to move from my position. He might just have ruined my night and I bet this is just the start. 

"I don't have to tell you what I've been doing." I say, trying to raise my voice but without success.

"Tell me Louis!" however he raises his voice with no problem and I look at him widely.

"Don't yell at me." I say now more firmly 

"Then tell me."

"I went on a date," I spit, clenching my fists to control myself, because to be honest I don't want to start a fight by how he looks like, it seems we can start one. "happy now?" I sight in frustration. He looks at me widely and I'm sure he's giving me a hurt look. I find the courage to move from the door and start walking to the desk, moving some papers from the place they are or just touching things that come in hands so I can avoid his look and once again to calm myself down.

But I'm taken by surprise when I hear a noise so I turn around to face Harry and I'm sure he just punched the wall "Fuck, Louis" He yells and when he looks at me he starts to walk towards me, so I try to give a step back but I feel the desk on my back. "You were with Bryan, weren't you?" I'm so shocked by his behaviour, he never talked to me like that, he never looked so mad like he is now and it's a surprise because he's always so... calm and peaceful. 

Is he violent? We can say that... No, he's not, I'm sure he's not like that.

He stops not so far from me, the room is not really big but right now it looks like our classrooms. "Didn't I tell you not to talk to him again?" He didn't say specifically not to talk to him... But yeah it was kinda that.

"Did you expect me to follow your rules?" I laugh wryly by how stupid he's being.

"I told he's not who you think he is Louis." I roll my eyes "So you were going to hang out with him, on Saturday, weren't you?" I shrug, I don't have to reply to him. But he seems to know the answer "But then he said he couldn't go... Shit Louis, he's playing around with you"

"Shut up" I yell this time but he seems to ignore

"He said he couldn't go because he was at the party I went to." I shake my head I can't find an explanation for him saying these lies. Just that... he's jealous. But if he really is then it's not my fault and it's no excuse for saying these things. "He was with another dudes," What? No. Bryan wouldn't do that. He's lying, why is he lying

"What's wrong with you? Why are you saying these lies?" I speak now in a lower tone

He looks offended and then shakes his head "I'm not lying." yes you are "I saw him kissing another guy. You've to believe me" He was drunk that night and now he's making all this up. 

"I don't have and I don't believe. Now stop" I want to run away from him, I'm tired. 

"No Louis. He's going to hurt you. You don't know him-"

"Harry I said shut up!" I yell and start to walk towards the door. I can't stand his face now, I can't look at him. He's being so fucking stupid. I hate him, why is he saying this. I feel him grabbing my arm and then presses my back against the wall, stopping me. I notice how the veins from his neck are so visible but he doesn't grabs me tightly, he's almost gentle, although he's mad. "Let me go, Harry." I try to release myself but he doesn't allow me to.

His face is once again close to mine and I feel the same as I felt the other times. "No, Louis you-"

"Please Harry let me go." I let out a sob and look at the side, I know what he told me was a lie but I can't stop thinking about it. Bryan said he likes me, I can't believe in Harry. He's not like that. 

"Louis..." He whispers and I feel his hand on my cheek, so I'm now looking at him. "I just don't want him to hurt you." he says softly. It actually hits me, the way he says it as if he... cared. 

I quickly wake up to reality and slap his hand away from me "You're hurting me by saying these things." He steps away from me and his expression changes. Yesterday I said I wanted to see him hurt, but if I knew he would look like this I would never asked for it "He likes me, he's not going to hurt me and he's a kind person Harry."

"Do you-Do you like him?" He asks looking at me. I open my mouth to answer but the sound doesn't come out. I look away from him.

"Y-Yes." I stammer and say it almost like a whisper. Why is it so difficult to say? 

In a blink of an eye he's close to me again, not allowing me to release myself from him by resting his hand on the wall next to my head. "Look me in the eyes and say it." Now I notice how tall he's compared to me by how curved he has to be, so his green eyes are fixed on my blue ones. It makes this harder. I can't say it. What if he feels something for me? Am I going to hurt him? But he should believe when I said for the first time. It's not like it seemed to be a lie. He has no right to make me this.

I make my best to pull his hand away from the wall and pushing him away from me so I can walk away. I open the door and run away from there. "Louis, don't." I hear him, but of course I ignore and keep running. He doesn't follow me, at least I don't see him when I look back. I'm glad then because I need a time alone.

So as soon as I reach outside I feel the drops from the rain hitting me. I pass the gate and walk on the path. At first the rain is kinda comforting but not until I feel soaked and all my fight with Harry is playing on my mind. The things he said, the lies he told me about Bryan, the way he looked at me... and now I ask why all of this? He's so bipolar and makes me feel so confused. It's frustrating. I just need a hug right now. I feel so tired and now I'm freezing. 

I was feeling so much better but Harry had to ruin it. I hate him.

I hate how he makes me feel.

What do I mean by this, then? 

"Louis!" I hear and the voice is too familiar and I think that's why I stop and look back.


	9. Chapter 9

"Louis!" I hear and the voice is too familiar and I think that's why I stop and look back.

 

Harry is standing three steps away from me with an umbrella. I know he wants to step forward but he probably knows that I don't want him to, by the look he's giving me. When I don't say anything and also stand there, looking back at him and feeling the rain streaming down, he gives a step forward while saying "Louis I-"

 

"Don't," I interrupt him "go away Harry." I say weakly. There's so much in my head that I actually want to cry. But not now and not in front of Harry but not due the obvious reason - the shame and the fact that he's Harry and I shouldn't look weak towards him, because I never show it - but surprisingly is because he once told me to never cry in front of him because he would never handle it. To be honest I can't remember the start of the conversation and the context of it, but his words stayed craved on my mind since then.

 

"But Louis..." he starts, but once again I don’t allow him to continue.

 

"I'm so mad at you. So mad Harry. You have no right to tell me and doing things like you just did now. I don't know what's wrong with you but you need to stop, whatever this is..." I yell at him and make a pause to breath. He mumbles something but due the rain and the fact that he's not looking at me, just at the path, makes it hard to hear so I ignore. "You ruined my day as you always do."

 

"I'm sorry." he starts giving small steps towards me, so we're closer now

"Stay where you are." I say although I really wanted that umbrella right now.

"I-I'm just... I'm sorry, I know... I know you..." he sighs. Is it so hard to say Sorry Louis I lied to you, I yelled at you and I acted like a dumbass that I am. ? "Please don't be mad at me." he literally begs

 

"How do you expect me not to be mad at you?" I raise a little my voice.

 

"Louis..." he shakes his head "Let's just go back to the dorm, is cold outside and you should-"

 

"No, I'm not going anywhere with you right now. You hurt me, you lied to me and you expect me to act like nothing have happened?"

 

"I don't expect it but you should hear me. Because I didn't lie okay? I would never do that to you. Don't you know me?!" He shouts and there's it again. The surprise. "Do you know him better than you know me? Do you trust him more than you trust me? Hell Louis I know we don't have the most beautiful friendship but you should know how much I-" he stops himself. He shouldn't have done it. I want to hear more. And I want to have something to shout back at him and be even more upset so there's no more of this not so beautiful friendship. "I shouldn't have said those things, I know, especially in that way and then telling you I didn't want you to be around him," you're right "but you should have heard me." you just screwed everything.

 

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I dare to speak so he doesn't say any more bullshit "You're basically controlling me and let's not talk about what you've been saying and doing to me... It's not right" it makes me shivers just thinking about the day and the day after he got drunk. And I don't know how to interpret it. "You're making me so... so" I groan in annoyance "You make me feel so frustrated, I swear Harry I-I hat-" I stop myself from saying it. I hate you. I say to myself.

 

He looks up at me, finally, but it's a sad look, the one he gives me. We stay in silence for seconds "If you really hate me that much, just tell me!" He says in a firm voice. "Otherwise, I'll just keep looking for you..." I look at him widely. He sounds so sure of himself. Does he mean it? Harry always says things with meaning though. But he lied to me previously and now he says he wants to take care of me... that's too weird. I want to believe that he hates Bryan a lot to the point of not wanting me to be with him, at any cost. But things don't work that way. This is why I hate him. I make him knowing that what he does is not right but he simply ignores, as always.

 

I bite the inside of my cheek and allow him to walk towards me. As soon as he reaches me, I don't feel the rain falling anymore. I look down when he stays too close from me. "What do you mean by it?" I whisper as I didn't want to say it.

 

"You're going to catch a cold." Apparently he ignores and says now more softly and it's almost like nothing have happened. But it happened and I'm mad and more confused than ever. There is so much I want to say but now it's like I'm incapable to do it.

 

He tries his best to take off his jacket and rests it on top of my shoulders. So warm. And it smells like him "Harry..." my voice sounds weird. Why does he has to be like this? And why does he has to smell so good?

 

"Yes Louis?"

 

"Stop doing this." Just seconds ago we were fighting and now we're talking so softly. Just seconds ago he was, for what it seemed, so far away from me and now he's so close.

 

"Doing what?" Caring and making me feel weird.

 

"You know what." I can't look at him but even not doing it I know that right now he's with a smirk on his face.

 

"No." he simply says and I look at him against my will. Shit. He looks beautiful and I probably look like a soaked dog. A soaked dog?!

 

"I'm not going to stop." Why? I want to ask but I'm scared of the answer. "I care a lot about you Louis, you know that don't you?"

 

I know that, and it's not right. "Why would you even?!" He shrugs and I can't believe I'm actually managing to act so calmly now.

 

"You can think that I was lying. You can even ignore everything I said to you but if that dickhead hurts you Louis... I'm gonna punch him in the face so hard."

 

"Harry!"

 

"And I'll make my best to keep him apart from you" I want to be mad by his words. Maybe I really am but I can't show it. "Now let's go, you're probably freezing." He says and when he puts his arm around my shoulder to keep me closer to him, I don't protest. Let's pretend that he's doing it so I don't catch the rain.

 

We walk in silence till we reach the campus and walk inside. He closes the umbrella so I'm not feeling the warmth of his arms around my shoulders anymore. Somehow I miss it. I'm actually cold even wearing his jacket. He was really sweet, but it was the least he could do after all.

 

He gives me a look and I drop the gaze when our eyes meet. I'm still too mad. I start to walk but he holds my hand, almost as if he's stopping me but then he starts to walk and I see that all he wanted was to hold my hand. It's not as cold as mine, but it's not warm as well; but it's enough to warm mine.

 

We keep walking and with that I keep looking at the floor, with water dripping from my hair. Why didn't I pull his hand away and instead allowed him to interlace our fingers together? Our friendship was always so strange and now it's getting more.

 

He opens the door from our dorm to the side, finally dropping my hand, allowing me to step inside. "Better if you take a hot shower." he says, walking inside

 

"I don't want to" I shrug and my voice comes really low. I shouldn't be like this, I should be shouting at him, not talking to him, not being shy and let him holding my hand. He's going to think that I'm not mad.

 

"Go take it Louis, I don't want you ill."

 

"Harry I said I don't-" I start to protest but shut myself when I'm against the wall with Harry's hands holding my hips tightly. This is getting too familiar.

 

"Are you going to make me undress yourself and bath you?" He says too seriously and I give him a wide look while clenching my fists to hold myself not to punch him. But I think I want to punch him not for doing this but for making me feel like this.

 

"Don't do this" I raise my voice, as if before I was storing it, and push him away. He smirks, not even bothered and I sight. I grab my stuff and walk to the showers.

 

While I feel the warm water hitting my head I take advantage of the time to think. About everything and nothing to be honest. It makes me feel mad that it's now that I'm coming up with the answers and the right things to yell back at Harry, but it's too late now. I stayed quiet when what I should have done was saying all the things he deserved and something that would make him stop all of this. I don't even understand why I am feeling this way towards him. It's weird.

 

Otherwise, I'll just keep looking for you... Damn why did I feel so... good, hearing that?! It's so not right. 

 

Then Bryan comes up in my head. I like him, I truly like him. And he likes me back. I was so happy during our date, Harry really ruined my mood.

 

Of course I don't believe in any of those things he told me but they are still playing on my mind. Bryan would never do a thing like that. If he kissed a boy, well maybe he was drunk, and that's tolerable, we're not dating. But then he cancelled our date because of a party? It can't be real.

 

I didn't lie okay? I would never do that to you. Don't you know me?! Do you know him better than you know me? Do you trust him more than you trust me? Well maybe I should just check that and ask him where he went that day. But that would sound creepy. It's something to consider then.

 

My mind make a click. Tomorrow I'm going to have breakfast with him. Should I cancel it? Wait, why? Because of Harry? No. But I'm sure if he gets to know about it we'll fight again. And what if he hits Bryan? And I'll make my best to keep him apart from you. Is he going to keep his word? I have a feeling that he will.

 

Shit. This is so frustrating, I need a good night of sleep and tomorrow I see what to do. Or maybe I should just stay in bed all day and run away from my problems. Oh but wait, yeah, the main problem sleeps in the same room as me.

 

When I end my shower and dress myself, I reach the dorm and I get to know that I stayed there for half an hour by the worst way. "Were you wanking?" Harry looks up from his laptop, which is placed above his legs, and raises his eyebrow.

 

"Jesus Christ Harry, seriously?" I roll my eyes and walk to my bed

 

"You took thirty minutes to take the quick bath you didn't want to." He jokes and I decide to ignore, laying on my bed and pulling the sheets on top of me. I let out a sight by how comfortable I am - the mattress is awful but I'm so tired that it feels great.

 

"Are you feeling all right?" he asks and he actually sounds concerned.

 

"I suppose" I'm not, but let’s pretend it's the weariness

 

"Hm. Do you want to-erm- Can I sleep with-"

 

I don't allow him to finish, since it would make me shiver just hearing him asking me that. "Better not." my voice sounds hoarse

"O-Okay." and his sounds sad

"Goodnight Lou. I'm sorry" I'm sure I hear him later on, but the sleep takes over me.

 

~*~

 

I think my phone is ringing but the sound stops on the second ring. I can't even understand what I'm hearing. I keep my eyes closed and snuggle even more on my pillow.

"He's sleeping" I hear, but I'm too sleepy to understand. I might be probably dreaming. "No he won't" the voice remains low but it sounds kinda mad and anxious. "I'm not going to wake him up." there is a pause "Don't expect me to allow it. You're not going to hurt him." I think the voice makes a pause but I don't hear it anymore. Probably stops.

I feel the sheets covering all my body now and the hair that was tickling my nose - but I was too lazy to pull away - is no longer annoying me.

I'm too comfy to get up and still not in this world so it's better if I just go back to sleep...


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to warn you   
> this chapter is really weird

“’Morning!” I say to Harry- who is sat on the desk apparently studying - sitting up on my bed. I rub my eyes and when I open them better I meet Harry’s gaze. I’m glad that the first thing I see in the morning is his smile. Oh yeah, I’m supposed to be mad at him

“Morning? It’s almost none, Louis!” He says laughing. Can’t believe I slept so much, but it was –I shock when reality hits my mind. I was supposed to meet up with Bryan.

“Oh shit!” I panic, taking the sheets aside and grabbing my phone from the nightstand. I check if I have any message or call but nothing-

“Don’t worry about him.” I look up, raising my eyebrow. Does he know? “You were meeting Bryan, weren’t you?” His tone is not harsh but I gulp. Is he mad? Well I am. Or should be. The past events are still too recent and fresh on my mind, I shouldn’t be acting so normally around Harry. But that’s not the point now. I was going to meet Bryan and I overslept. Fuck. I really wanted to eat breakfast with him, especially after our date. But then Harry… Ugh, I can’t be thinking about him all the time. I won’t let him screw this. I can’t. “He called”

I don’t have any missed call “He did?”

“I told him,” oh shit he answered it. “that you were sleeping so you wouldn’t be able to meet up with him.”

“You what?” I shout and he sighs

“I wasn’t going to wake you up,” He says as if it was the obvious thing to say. Well he should had “You need to sleep, Louis” I groan in annoyance. It’s the second time he does a thing like this.

“I told you not to decide those kind of things from me.” I say harshly, typing an apologetic message. He shrugs, sure it was easy for him to decide this. I’m still fighting with myself to find the answer to why he doesn’t want me with Bryan, besides the fact of hating him. He has to have another reason.

I'm not going to wake him up.

You're not going to hurt him.

Now I remember to be woken up by the phone and then I heard Harry’s voice. I can’t believe he actually said that.

“Are you going to be mad?” He asks when I don’t say anything else and start to choose my clothes. By now I notice how he doesn’t seem to pay any more attention to the books. 

“I don’t know.” There is something different. I don’t want to be mad at him even if I am. But it’s not because of today – to be honest a part of me didn’t really want to go because of Harry. I know it’s not correct but I can’t stop it. I’m just mad because of yesterday, and now I don’t really know if mad is the correct word. He did a good job apologizing himself but I’m still hurt by all of that. And the confusion remains.

“Don’t be please.” He says and I look at him for a moment and sigh. He makes me feel weird. “I’m going to bring you some coffee, okay?” I nod, at least while he goes I can clean this mess that we call room and dress myself. “I won’t take very long.” Take the time you need, really.

He disappears from the room and I start to put the books in order, making my bed and taking care of the clothes that are on the floor – I don’t even know which is Harry’s which is mine, I think he’s even been wearing my clothes.

If I could I would spend all day in bed, I feel weak and still tired, even with all those hours of sleep. I don’t even want to take my pyjama off.

I check my phone and have a reply from Bryan.

We can meet another day. It’s fair since I cancelled our plans the other day. See ya.xx

-Bryan

I don’t think he cancelled our plans because of a party, but at the same time I don’t think Harry would lie, especially to me. So I’m torn in half. I don’t know what to think – and even feel – towards Bryan. He seems to be the perfect guy to date – and I’m putting this option already.

I literally groan with frustration while throwing the dirty clothes to the basket we have on the corner. I feel so frustrating and the worst is: it’s Harry’s fault and I don’t know if I should hate him because of all of this… I don’t know how to feel…

I start to take off my shirt and the pants from my pyjama along with my boxers, since I have this thing of changing them right in the morning – I don’t know where all of this started. Where the fuck are my cleaned ones by the way? I’m sure I placed ones on my chair. Shit, I bet Harry is wearing them now.

So basically I’m looking for a clean pair of boxers, on the pile of clothes we have on the corner, naked. This is my show! I have to wash my hands after this, I’m touching on Harry’s dirty ones. Ugh, disgusting.

BUT THERE IS NO CLEAN UNDERWEAR IN THIS DORM? I can’t believe I’ve been so busy to the point of not having time to do the laundry

I even check behind the pillows, from both beds but there is nothing, and then it’s when “Louis I don’t know what type you wanted but I bought you-” Harry stops middle way his sentence “Oh shit” and looks at me – he’s amused, I just want to punch him right now – and there is this awkward moment when I’m in shock, looking back at him, frozen and then realize that I’m naked.

“FUCKING HELL” I shout taking the pillow that is on the bed next to me to cover my lower parts.

“It’s not like I never saw one” he laughs - is he really talking about my dick? – and walks in to put the two coffees on the desk. I’m just able to move when it’s to turn around, on the same place, to follow Harry’s moves so I’m not facing my bum at him. This makes me laugh actually but I’m so embarrassed. “C’mon go dress yourself, I’m feeling uncomfortable” He says looking at me again. Move Louis, move. “Louis, that’s my pillow.” He laughs. How can he be laughing?

“Erm, W-What..?” I look down and notice that I took the pillow from his bed. Shit. But “Are you looking at my lower part?” I yell, but it’s just not to let out a laugh like he’s doing.

“Well you sure have a good package there” He winks. HE FUCKING WINKS. If the pillow I have in hands wasn’t being useful, it would be already in his face.

He turns around, as if he was reading my mind, allowing me to dress myself and this time he even covers his eyes with his hand. It makes me chuckle “Did you see my boxers?!” I ask and my voice comes out as a kid, a shy one. It’s expected.

“Did you saw on the pile of clothes?”

“Yes, but I can’t fucking find it.”

“Your drawer?” I bet he’s rolling his eyes and is with a smirk on his face

“I don’t have any”

“Are you serious? You don’t have any clean ones?” He laughs loud

“I don’t even have time to poop how you expect me to have time to do my laundry?” he laughs even more and I’m getting pissed “Harry this is fucking weird can you help me and not joke, please?” I groan in annoyance. I’m just wearing a shirt and Harry is in the same room as me. Now the room looks smaller.

“Since you said please…” He mocks and I sigh “Second drawer from my nightstand, take one.” I would protest and say that I couldn’t use one of his but I’m desperate.

I quickly run to the drawer, not even caring if Harry can see me now or not – he should be with his eyes closed – and take one pair to put it “Nice ass Tomlinson.”

“HARRY!” I squeal, dressing the briefs as fast as I can and as always, he laughs.

~*~

“I’m going to bring your food Liam.” Zayn tells him, how nice of him? He cannot being smiling but I know that on the inside he’s happy. Both of them actually.

We decided to eat on the canteen from the campus today since it’s raining a lot and we have to save money. I don’t mind. Niall minds, since he doesn’t stop protesting and he’s doing a tantrum. He walked to bring his food with no word, with a pouty face and didn’t even wait for Harry.

“Thanks Zayn” Liam smiles and I’m about to stand up to bring mine when Harry rests his hand on my shoulder, making me sit again.

“I bring yours” he gives me a really bright smile and I have to contain myself not to smile back. Zayn and Harry disappear, leaving me alone on the table with Liam

“I don’t get it.” Liam says, shaking his head, confusing me.

“You don’t get what?” I ask, already regretting it. It’s not going to come good thing.

“Harry is so nice to you. He’s really cute,” Harry? Cute? I wanna laugh. “but then you hate him.” He chuckles and I roll my eyes.

“Why do we always end up talking about me and Harry?” Is seriously the last thing I want to talk but eventually it’s what people most enjoy to talk to me.

“Is obvious.” He smirks and when I’m about to protest he doesn’t allow me to “So how was your date with prince charming?” he jokes

“It was great.” I say but I don’t sound as excited as I should. Maybe it was because of what happened after that. Should I tell Liam what Harry told me? Everything?

“I see…” he doesn’t seem to believe too.

“He said he liked me.” I tell him, avoiding his brown eyes.

“He did?” He doesn’t seem surprised but I can tell is also not the thing he expected me to say.

“Yeah… And I’m going to the Halloween party.”

“You are?” this time it’s not Liam’s voice that I hear. It’s Zayn’s. The three boys sit on their places and Harry puts my food in front of me. I whisper a thank you “You change your mind quickly.”

“I really thought you weren’t going” Liam comments this time.

“I’m glad you’re going” Harry says and he seems… happy with the new. If he knew the reason why I’m going, I’m sure he wouldn’t look like this.

I feel his leg touching mine, so now our knees and tights are touching on the bank. I look at him, noticing that now he’s just paying attention to his food and just simply approached me. I don’t bother to move the touch since is usual from him touching me when we’re together.

“So we’re all going then.” Zayn smiles bright and Liam gives me a look. I understand it.

“I don’t think Louis is going with us.” Damn, Liam.

“Why?” Harry looks, curious and somehow concerned, at me and I’m admired that Niall didn’t speak once. He’s not enjoying the food so he could just change subject as he always do so suddenly.

“Erm… I’m going with-“

“Oh.” Harry doesn’t allow me to continue. He seems to get it and a part of me is glad of it so I don’t need to speak out loud. I didn’t even know how to do it. “So you’re going because of him.” He whispers as if he doesn’t want anyone to listen. He looks down and the warmth of his touch under the table is replaced by cold when he pulls away. Somehow I feel like that’s not right and feel bad as if I did something wrong.

“I feel out.” Zayn comments, bowing is brow and I notice the look Niall is giving at Harry who can’t see it since he keeps looking down at his plate.

I feel the tension on the table, and I blame Liam. I kick his leg under the table, which he jumps and give him a glower. He looks at me for a second and then starts eating as if nothing have happen. Great.

We eat in silence. And that’s a new thing. Harry doesn’t talk neither look at me and that’s… not right.

“This is clearly awkward.” Niall manages to talk when he’s the first one finishing. “Harry, are you coming?” He says standing up from the chair. Harry raises his head and nods. He ate anything, basically but both grab their tray “See you guys.” and walk away.

Zayn looks shocked, he doesn’t know what’s going on, on the other hand, Liam seems to know by his concerned expression.

~*~

I dare to say that I’m glad I didn’t see Bryan all day but well, it wasn’t hard since I spent half of it on my room studying and finally did a little bit of my laundry so I can have underwear to wear Monday. Weekends should be to relax not to do this. Thank god today the soccer practise was cancelled due the weather. Harry is right I need a good night of sleep and rest a little, but we’re on the university, it’s pretty hard doing it.

I raise my head from my books and look at the door when hear a noise. Harry opens it and comes in “Hi” I say and somehow I smile, because I’m glad to see him. Wait. I’m glad to see him because I don’t see him since lunch, when he went away with Niall kinda mad and it’s now 9pm.

He looks surprised at first when I smile at him and actually say something but then while he closes the door his face shines and I see a dimple forming due his smile. “Hi Lou.” He says and his voice sounds like music after three hours alone in silence “You did the laundry” he chuckles looking at the few folded clothes above my bed. Good he’s acting normally. Sometimes I like this thing on him. 

“I wish I could have done all” I say pointing at the pile of dirty clothes on the same place they were this morning.

He laughs when looks at it “Do you at least have underwear now?” he mocks. 

“Yeah.” I roll my eyes laughing a little, remembering this morning episode. While Harry does whatever he is doing on his wardrobe I stand up from the chair of the desk. Enough of study today. I’m going to take a shower, it always cheers me up and helps me to clear my head. It always works and I think it’s the amount of time I spend there that makes Harry think that I wank every day. Ugh. “I’m going to take a shower.” I say grabbing the things I need.

When I look at Harry he’s with his on his hands too. “I go with you.” He smirks and I look widely at him. Coincidence?

“Erm, you…”

“Calm down Louis, I take a separate shower” he laughs and I can’t stop the embarrassment, it’s not that I thought the otherwise, but his choice of words and his faces always confuse me.

“Right.”

“Just if you want to go to the same. That’s up to you.” He teases and I sigh in annoyance walking to the door while he follows me with a grin on his face.

It feels weird taking a shower, knowing that Harry is on the one next to mine. I feel like the curtain is not safe enough. I should have just told him I was going later and then – wait, why? It’s not like Harry bothers me that much… Okay Harry bothers me that much, but I can’t decide what to do by his behaviour. And it’s not this simple choice, if I should go take a shower while he is going as well, it’s the Bryan’s thing too. It’s the same, but a little more difficult and serious. Well, I’m such a drama queen. I need to change it or I’m going to stress out because of nothing.

“Louis” I scream with the shock and jump, covering my body with my hands when I see Harry opening the curtain and picking out

“Fucking heel, go away Harry.” I shout and he’s laughing. I’m not surprised, of course but oh shit. Shit, shit, shit. Now it’s not only me who is naked, it’s him too. Fuck stop looking Louis.

“It’s nothing I have never seen before Louis, so stop it.” I try to look away and keep my eyes on the wall from the shower, making my best to give him the less view possible. “Do you have shampoo there? Mine is over.” His tone of voice makes me sick, why is he acting so relaxed as if TWO NOT SO GOOD FRIENDS ARE NAKED IN FRONT OF ONE ANOTHER IS A FUCKING NORMAL THING?!

“Fuck!” I grab the curtain, making him giving a step back, and try to cover my body with it. He laughs louder by my behaviour and probably by my face “Take it. Take it and go away.” I kick the shampoo, which is on the floor, to him. He grabs it and yeah, I’m seeing Harry Styles naked. Not that I have never seen him. He’s not shy like I am, so when I make my best to dress myself while he’s not there or doing it on the locker rooms after the shower and stuff he’s completely the opposite. But I have never paid attention… Maybe just once. However I never saw him like this so it’s pretty… I don’t know how to describe it. Weirdawkwardweird

“Don’t droll over Louis.” He smirks and it’s when I realize that I was probably staring.

As the gay person that I am, I’ve to say: I’d fuck him. Gosh I’d totally fuck him.

If I didn’t hate him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the showers in this campus are like the ones from "pitch perfect" (the scene at the beginning)


	11. Chapter 11

I’m tired.

I know I’ve been saying this over the past weeks, but now I’m seriously on my limit.

It’s Thursday and I can’t believe I could manage to handle the previous three days. Classes take half of my energy and then I have to study, running along the campus to get in time to everything… And now with the rain is worst. I reach my dorm soaked. There is so much to do, so many works to deliver since the past week. Thankfully I had my last test today. I can’t even remember what a good night of sleep is. However this headache is killing me and I can’t focus on the books. I chose to study on the dorm this time, instead of walking to the library. Yesterday I felt so weak that it was almost impossible to walk back here. If Harry wasn’t with me I don’t really know… He seems to be pretty busy too but wants to be always on track with me.

I sigh, I can’t concentrate in my studies. I feel sick, literally. But I can’t be sick now. It’s not a good time. Next Friday is already the 31st of October and the exams will be right there and November is my last chance to get all the material and study hard so then I can relax on Christmas’ break, with no worries.

Maybe I care too much about my grades. I mean I need to care, but I break the record. Look at Harry. He’s not like me in that subject but then he’s a good student. He still has time to have fun and he doesn’t look as bad as me.

I’m so busy shoving my head on the books, crying about my life that I don’t even hear the door “Are you dying?” Harry jokes. I don’t feel like it Harry. So I hum in response, straightening myself and trying to act like I was just studying. “Are you okay Louis?” He asks then and I feel like he’s walking in my direction.

“Yeah… Just studying.” I say. Even my voice sounds weak.

“Still?!”

“Not still…” I groan. I just started half an hour ago and it’s the first time I touch my books today, apart from the classes “I started…now.”

“You study too much.” He says and I sure felt like he was walking towards me, previously, but he just walked closer to the desk to put his jacket on the hanger

“The necessary.”

“I don’t think so. You expect too much from yourself.” He says sitting on his bed and I feel him looking at me. “Are you feeling all right?” He asks, and his tone sounds… concerned.

“Yes, god dammit!” I don’t know why I raise my voice and seem so bothered. I look down and start to read the text I have in front of me. Useless. “Sorry” I whisper, hoping he can hear me.

He stands up from the bed and this time he really walks towards me. “You need to rest.” He says and then I feel his hands on my shoulders. He starts to massage them and I groan. It feels good and it actually relaxes me. “You’re so tense.”

“I’m fine…” I say but it’s almost as I’m sighing. I feel his hands running up and down on my spine and back to my shoulders. He passes his hands on the bare skin from my neck, and it’s when I notice how soft they are, even if they are a little bit cold.

“You’re not fine.” You’re right, I’m not. But it’s just one more month and a half till the break. I can handle it.

When he starts to run his fingers through my hair it just feels… so good. Like not only on a relaxed way, in many others. I close my eyes enjoying his touch. I sure should pull it away but I don’t have the strength to. “You like it.” I feel like he’s smirking because he’s making me feel the way he wanted to when I moan. I can’t control it.

“Lou…” He says and his tone of voice changes it when I feel his hand on my forehead and he makes the chair turn around so I’m now facing him. “You’re burning in fever, and you look pale.” He says.

“No I’m not.” Sure I feel cold and sick but it’s just the tiredness and the weather.

“Yes you are. I told you that you needed to take a rest.” He says and even if he sounds mad, he also sounds concerned. In a way, that makes me feel great. How stupid? But it’s because I know Harry cares for me. Too much and sometimes it scares and worries me.

“I’m fine Harry.” But I’m stubborn.

“NO.” He says firmly “You’re going to let go the books now and take a rest. Take off those clothes and change to your pyjama because you’re going to bed now and I’m bringing you soup and medication.”

“Harry…” I try to stop him. He’s talking like he is my mother and I hate it.

“Don’t argue. I know you’re not feeling well.” He says and I roll my eyes, standing up from the chair

“Fuck, I am Harry…” I say walking away from him. I don’t want him to take care of me. “See…” And it’s when I feel dizzy and as if I was in my bed ready to sleep. I feel my head pounding with pain and close my eyes for a moment.

“I have you, babe.” I hear but it seems so far, far away.

~*~

I open my eyes and the first thing I see is Harry’s face. Great.

I’m sleepy and I feel like he woke me up. Why then? He is always telling me that I should sleep why the hell he woke me up this time?

Oh I remember.

“I didn’t want to wake you up, but you need to eat and drink water.” He says and I sit up noticing that he’s sit on the edge of my bed, next to me with a soup in his hand and in the nightstand there is a glass of water.

“How long…” I ask confused taking the plate from his hand, that he’s handing me.

“Since you passed out? Well, almost four hours, is half past eight already.” I hum in response and start eating the soup. It’s not tasty but I was hungry since I just managed to eat a sandwich at lunch.

Why is he even looking at me? Especially in that way. Why is he even still sat next to me?

Of course. I should say thank you, at least. But it’s the least he could do. Oh it’s not, I’m so mean sometimes. “Than-“ I stop myself when look at the pile of clothes at the end of my bed. “You did my whole laundry?” I ask in shock.

He follows my look “Oh, yeah. I managed to take care of it while you were here. Can’t believe you still had there the same shirt you used two weeks ago which I slipped sauce on.” He laughs and I can’t stop but joining it. Although my head starts to ache again so I stop.

“My head hurts.” I groan

“You have some pills here.” He says pointing at the box of aspirins next to the glass.

I finish my soup and Harry takes it to put above the nightstand “I need to pee.” I say

“You need help for it?” he asks and at first I even think he’s being serious. Because he’s Harry and his tone of voice always tricks me. And why did I even tell him that?

He chuckles then and helps me to get up from bed “God Harry I’m not dying.” I say

“Last time you passed out.” He says and I roll my eyes, regretting it right away when it hurts.

I walk to the bathroom from our hall – why don’t we have a bathroom in each dorm? It would be so much easy. – and Harry insists to walk there with me and waiting for me by the door. I notice that I’m wearing my pyjama, so that means Harry changed my clothes while I was sleeping. I shiver due it and make sure to check and remember if I was wearing the same underwear as I was in the morning. We never know…

“You changed my clothes.” I say, probably blushing, but let’s blame the cold, while we walk back to the dorm. The hall is in silence, I’m glad the students stay quiet during the weekdays

“Yeah you were soaked in sweat.” He laughs and I make a disgusting face, which he notices it “Yeah, same.” He jokes and I chuckle.

“Drink your water with the pills and go back to sleep. You still seem tired Lou.” He says when we reach the room and his voice is so tender and sweet. Why is he even doing this to me? He knows I wouldn’t do the same for him. Oh Louis, what a rude thing to say and you know you would. I would, wouldn’t I? He deserved it at least, by the way he treats me. Liam is right, Harry is gentle and cute for me even if I treat him like shit. And he did my laundry, brought me soup and is taking care of me. I love knowing that he actually cares for me. It’s great this felling that I have not to even bother to doubt it, because I do know he cares. Otherwise, I’ll keep looking for you. I repeat those words in my head every day and he doesn’t even realise it. “Why are you smiling?” He asks with a grin on his face as well. Am I really smiling? Oh my god Louis, do I need to punch you?

I shake my head to wake up and pull away those thoughts, ignoring what he said and forgetting about this moment. I take the glass of water and take the pill. I didn’t even know that I was this thirsty when I wished the glass had more water.

“Thank you.” I tell him and he gives me a smile.

I sit on my bed. I want to sleep because I’m tired but I feel like I won’t be able to do it. “Are you going to sleep now?” I ask when I see him taking off his clothes and dressing his pyjama pants.

“Probably.” He answers. Why doesn’t he wear a shirt? It’s probably 5 degrees outside, how can he even?

Liam say I try my best to be casual and relaxed, and I never understood his comments while I look at Harry, till now. I’m paying attention to the way the light catches each individual curl of him, the way the shadows play lovingly across the muscles from his torso and strong shoulders, the way his long fingers push through his hair all firm and yet gentle. I can’t be casual with a hard dick. Oh my god no. Fuck. It’s because I’m ill.

If he notices the way I’m looking at him then he decides to ignore it and I’m so thankful. “I’m going to sleep, bye.” I say in rush so things don’t get worse.

“Hum okay…” He says confused and I notice the way he looks at me, but I shove myself on the sheets and face my back at him “Tell me if you need something, please.”

“O-Okay. Thanks.” I whisper but I know he hears it.

~*~

It’s been an hour since I woke up. It’s 1am and I feel worse. My head is killing me and I’m sure I’ve a fever, I feel so cold that I’m shivering. I feel so tired and I want to sleep so badly, but I can’t. I hate when I get sick because I think that I might gonna die. I’m not kidding. I’m a drama queen, really.

I hear Harry snoring and it’s so annoying and makes it all worst. I want to move but I feel like I don’t have the strength to; even my body aches.

Tell me if you need something, please.

Should I call him? I feel guilty for it, he doesn’t own me anything and he already did my laundry and took care of me previously, it would be wrong to wake him up just because I’m feeling like shit.

“Harry…” I say I didn’t want his help and now here I am calling from him. My voice sounds awful, I need water because I can’t call him louder than this and he doesn’t wake up. “Harry!” I try again. “Harry, please.” I think I just gave my best now.

I hear a sound coming from his bed and I know he just moved. I don’t hear his snores so I bet he’s awake. “Louis?” His voice is so much louder and in a blink of an eye he’s turning on the light from my nightstand and touching my shoulder so I can face him.

“I feel like shit.” I groan, and the look he gives me… is so odd.

“Jesus Louis you’re sweating.”

“But I’m freezing.” I say and he gives me a look. A look that I can’t figure it out the meaning. “Do you have water?” I ask right away, my throat is dry and it pains me just talking. He turns around and brings me the bottle of water he has on his bag, handing it to me along with another pill. “I don’t want another pill.” I tell him hoarsely

“This one if for the fever. It’s better if you just take it.” I can’t believe he actually walked to the pharmacy at the end of the road to bring me this pills, in the afternoon.

“I can’t sleep.” I tell him when finish drinking the water along with the medication.

“Take off your shirt.”

“What the hell?” Somehow my voice gets louder. I’m freezing and he wants me to take off my shirt? I’m sick and he’s taking the advantage of it?! “I’m-“

“Just do it,” he interrupts my protest “you need to recover your normal temperature. I don’t have a way to give you a wet towel now so I’m going to sleep here with you now.” What the fuck is wrong with this kid?!

“Are you crazy?!” I look at him widely.

“Stop being fucking stubborn Louis.” As soon as he says it, his hands are on the end of the fabric from my shirt and he’s taking it off.

“Stop.” I shout and I’m regretting it right away by the pain it causes me. It’s useless too, Harry manages to take it since my body just gives up with the weakness. I can’t believe I let myself going down this way. At the point of being sick. “What are you doing?” I ask, putting my arms around my torso by the cold and even in embarrassment, when I see him lying down under my sheets, next to me.

“I told you, I’m going to sleep here.” Sure it’s not the first time, but this time we’re both shirtless and I still don’t see the point of it. How is this going to lower my fever? “Lay down.” He demands and I just want to tell him to lower his voice. 

There is no point in arguing now, so I give up and lay down, uncomfortably. By the moment I do it, I feel his arms around me and his body close to mine, embracing me. I jump with the shock. “What the fu-“

“Just shut up Louis.” He says and I shut myself right away. “And relax, you’re too tense.” How couldn’t I? We’re basically cuddling. Oh my god I’m cuddling with Harry, what the – ahh… I get it now. I don’t think this is the best way to lower a fever. It’s actually the worst, seeing our case but I know he won’t pull away. This is so stupid. I feel him getting closer and his chest is now touching my back and he literally holds me in his arms. The sheets are covering ourselves and the duvet his just above our waists. I still feel cold but the warmth that comes from his body makes me feel better. “You’re so hot.” I froze WHAT THE FUCK! HE IS MAKING THIS WORST “I mean no – not in that way.” He quickly corrects himself and I just want to turn around to see his face expression. “Jesus, no. I mean you’re warm. Like your body… is hot-warm” He’s so jumbled that makes me laugh. I actually laugh and he joins me.

“You’re hot” I mock and this episode makes the tension kinda disappear so I feel less uncomfortable. He laughs loudly and it doesn’t bother my headache as much as I expected to. “This was actually brilliant. C’mon Harry I know I am.” I joke. I feel his body shaking and the vibration coming from his chest by laughing

“Don’t be so sure of yourself”

“You said it.”

“Shut up.” Both laugh.

“This is really weird you know?!” I manage to say, stopping laughing

“It’s not.” He says gently and I feel a knot in my throat.

“Yes it is Harry. All of this…” In all I mean this whole friendship and the way we treat each other.

I feel him resting his chin on my shoulder so he’s with his head in mine. I gulp. “I don’t think so.” His voice is so secure and tender.

“S-Shut up.”

“Okay.” He chuckles but I don’t feel like laughing this time. He should be feeling as weird as I am. I mean, sure I’m not going to say that him holding me in his arms is all bad… Besides he’s doing this because I’m ill. I feel protected and comfortable, but at the same time uncomfortable. It’s strange and hard to understand plus it makes me feel sicker. “Try to sleep now. You really need to.” I hum and try to snuggle on my pillow to forget that Harry is next to me. “Next time you should hear me out. You’re sick because you worked too much and didn’t rest enough.”

“Shut up.” I repeat and he laughs a little. I know and he knows, he’s right.

“Say it.”

“What?” he’s so annoying.

“I should have listened to you, Harry.”

“No.”

I feel his breathe on my neck – I’m probably just imagining his lips brushing slightly on my bare skin –and then he’s close to my ear “Say it.” his breathe is hot and makes me shiver and I’m sure it’s not because I’m cold. I think that after this I’m way too warm.

“You-You were right.” I say just to end this torture

“About what?” He whispers, still with his lips close to my earlobe

I hate him. “About me working too much and not taking a rest. I should have listened to you, Harry.” I say way too quickly and I can’t believe I manage to do it.

“Thought so.” This is the worst. The way his words slip from his tongue, the way his breathe hits my ear and his voice gets deeper and slower. I twist. I fucking twist, and I know he chuckles because now I feel the hot breathe on my neck and is so tempty that I might melt. Once again I feel his lips brushing on the bare skin from my shoulder and then I think he rests his forehead on my back, so his hair his tickling me… in a good way. His hand, which was always above my torso is now trying to find mine so he interlaces our fingers together and brings them to my chest. Is he being the big spoon? What are we doing?

I can’t move… and it’s not because I don’t want to, is because I’m too shocked and to make matters worse, before I fall asleep I remember hearing him whispering “Please cheer up soon. Even if is just for a little bit” he kisses my hair and goes back to his position.

~*~

I don’t need to think twice to know that Harry is next to me and these arms that are wrapping me are from him. We’re basically on the same position that we were when we fell asleep last night. I don’t think that I still have a fever and I feel better even if I’m too lazy to get up and move. I don’t feel uncomfortable. But I’m worried about Harry this time. Is his turn to be sweating now. It’s normal since he was all night covered with the sheets and duvet next to someone with a bloody fever. I’m scared to pass him the cold.

I try to release myself from his arms and turn around so I’m now looking at him and no longer at the blank and cold wall. Small locks of hair are spread on the white pillow and I actually support my head on the palm of my hand; while I’m with my elbow rested on the mattress; so I can appreciate him in his most vulnerable state.

He usually makes me feel so mad, he makes me being in a bad humour everyday but if sometimes I could stop a minute to appreciate him, I’m sure I would relax more. He has such a unique face; especially when he’s smiling but it’s a shame he’s not right now. His eyelashes are average but so perfectly straight, his lips are red and they actually look so soft. They’re beautiful… his lips are beautiful and I can’t stop staring. And that’s when I see his green eyes. He cracks one sleepy eye open and he looks awfully good right in the morning while I probably look horrible.

Wait I’m staring at him and I just got caught. We have to go to classes, I can’t miss even if I’m in a crash mode. I might be feeling better but I know I’m still sick.

“Hey, hum… I have-We have classes.” I stammer. My throat hurts a little, but nothing compared to last night.

“Go back to sleep.” He says in his throaty morning voice

I don’t expect Harry’s next movements. Somehow he manages to get even closer to me but he goes directed to my chest, wrapping his arms around my torso and resting his head on it. It’s a weird position and even if he’s taller than me now he looks smaller. I stay frozen, not knowing what to do and where to place my hands. “Harry…” I protest

“You’re not going.” He grumbles “You’re staying with me.” I’m already pissed by his words. And now I get it. I feel mad when he says things like these to me because it makes me feel… how does it make me feel really?

“Are you going to miss classes?”

“Of course. You’re still sick.” He yawns, still with his head on my chest “I’m gonna take care of you Lou.” If he was looking at me right now he would see how red I am from blushing.

“Bu-But you are sweating from be-being too close.”

“It doesn’t matter.” He mutters and then stays quiet and I know even if I say something he is not going to answer neither so is better this way.

I manage to place my arms above his shoulders to try a better and comfy position, even if the right one needs to be under his neck. I usually can’t go back to sleep after waking up in the morning and I have this thought in my head that I’m going to skip classes and that’s not good… it’s not making it any better.

Harry’s arms wrap around me tightly and I’ve never been with anyone this way, in such an intimate way. I can smell the shampoo from his hair. It really smells like Harry so I decide to rest my chin on top of his head. Does this feel wrong? No. So does it feel right? Neither. But I don’t plan to move away. He looks like a kid, he looks so happy. I’m sure he’s smiling. And that makes me happy, as happy Harry always makes me feel


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: 
> 
> Please Don't Say You Love Me by Gabrielle Aplin

For much to my surprise I managed to fall asleep again by how comfy and warm I was. I slept till 1pm and I’m sure Harry probably woke up around half an hour before me.

He bought our food to the dorm and he made me stay in bed for the rest of the day but it was no bored at all. I dare to say that I had fun just by watching a stupid romantic movie he made me to, called I give it a year where there is this couple who gets married and the people around them give them a year till they split up. They only lasted one more than what they gave them. The woman finds another man and her husband gets involved with his old friend/girlfriend. It’s what they get from marry way too quickly. The stupidity here is the fact that both are okay with that and that’s not all, they decide to stop cheating each other to try again and while that their lovers get involve. However when they give up on fixing their marriage and realise that it can’t get any better. There is a confusion between the two couples but of course it ends up well with their divorce – they were happy for that, yes – and they live happy forever after with their lovers. Yes this is a real movie which apparently Harry loves it to death. 

When we finish watching it we start talking… I mean more like arguing. I’m not gonna lie and say it wasn’t me who started it when I tell him that romantic movies suck. He likes it too much but I win – as always – when Harry is pushed out of the bed and hits his bum on the floor. I don’t care if I’m sick, I laugh so much that forget about the pain.

Already in mid-afternoon, I start to feel cold and sleepy so Harry as gentle as he is, lends me his big warm sweater, since I don’t have any of those type. I decide to take a nap and tell him he can leave now for a bit and breathe fresh air but he insists on staying so I’m not surprised when I wake up an hour later and am faced with him with his back rested on my bed’s headboard, next to me, reading a book that I have recommended to him last week.

“Enjoying it?” I ask, with a really hoarse voice, sitting up next to Harry. He looks away from the book quickly to meet my gaze

“Oh, hey!” he smiles “Yeah, it’s amazing I like the fact that the girl is finally controlling her capacity and doesn’t become unconscious so many times when enters in a person’s dream.” I knew he was going to like this book. Personally, for me, it was okay. There are a bit of romance between the main character and the guy who was her friend, but the story is none realistic. I mean it’s impossible to a person entering on someone’s dreams and I wouldn’t handle my mom’s drunkenness as well as she does. But when I finished reading the three books I thought about Harry and how he would love them, because it’s really his type.

“I knew you were going to like it.”

“Yeah, thanks.” He grins and I sit in the same position as him till our legs and forearms are touching. The last time we were like this I felt so uncomfortable but this time is different. After how close we were lately I don’t see the point of making it a big deal. “Feeling better?” He asks and I know he’s not going to pay any more attention to the book since I’m now next to him and awake. It sounds like something else, what I just thought, but it’s so natural of him giving me his all attention. And right now he looks concerned.

“I think so…” I still feel weak but nothing compared to yesterday. I can’t believe I passed out because of how tired I was. I don’t have a fever anymore and I hope I don’t get it tonight again.

“Good then.” He smiles again and he stays looking at me.

“Look Harry…” I cough to hide my embarrassment

“Yes Louis?” why does his voice sounds so good?!

“Tha-Thanks for what you’ve been doing…”

“What I’ve been doing?” He asks tilting his head

“Yes.” I don’t want to repeat or even listing the things he has done for me, and I’m not just talking about this week. “Thanks for… caring.” I whisper.

I never saw him smiling like he’s right now and is so warm and relaxed to see. “Oh Lou…” He puts his arm around my shoulders and pulls me closer to him, making me rest my head on his. He squeezes my forearm and I don’t know how to interpret this moment but he’s being a friend. A friend… “I told you, didn’t I?” He asks, resting his hand on my chin so I can look at him. His green eyes are on my blue ones and he doesn’t drop his smile, which I’m glad for.

I’m feeling something familiar, by now, since it’s not the first time we’re as close as we are now. My chest is going up and down rapidly by how quickly I am breathing. Why?

He leans over to kiss my forehead and this simple gesture makes my heart race. I told him to stop this kind of things. It’s not right. “I’ll always look for you.” He says when pulls away and I gulp. The moment I’m opening my mouth to answer there is a knock on the door. “I answer it.” He says, dropping my shoulders and standing up. With that I can finally breathe properly.

I grab my book that he’s reading and open it to see in what page he is already. He reads quickly…

“You’re not coming in.” Harry says harshly making me look at the door. I can’t see who is outside since he’s peeking through a small space from the opened door, but I can have a clue. I stand up from the bed and walk towards him “How did you know, by the way?” he asks and for the answer – It was Zayn – I can tell that I was correct and it’s Bryan who is there – and by his tone of voice, I notice he’s trying to control himself.

I grab Harry’s shoulder, to make him step away so I can talk to Bryan. Harry turns his head to me but doesn’t open any further the door, neither steps away, resisting my touch. “Let him in” I say firmly.

“Louis? Are you okay?” I hear Bryan

When I’m about to put on tiptoes, to answer and look at him above Harry’s shoulders “Shut up.” Harry says to Bryan a little louder. He doesn’t need to make a scene for Christ sakes “You’re sick, you’re not going to see him.” He says looking at me again and I look furiously at him. He just screwed my good humour, for changing. I got mad at him because of what he told me the other day and when he told me that I couldn’t see Bryan but he insists on making this.

“Stop Harry.” I try to push him away and it’s when in a blink of an eye he shuts the door hardly and grabs me by my wrists to stop me doing any more movement. He’s fucking strong and tall and I’m tiny and right now weak so he’s just making me feel worst and more upset. I hear Bryan calling from me outside but Harry simply ignores his voice. I try to release myself but is useless. His expression is a mixed of furious and annoyance. He’s not violent, Harry’s not violent. “You’re hurting me, let it go.” I shout and he quickly drops my wrists.

I want to open the door but I know if I try he’ll catch me again. It would be in vain, he’s right in front of it. “Sorry.” He says almost in a whisper.

“Yeah you really need to apologize.” I grumble. Why does he always has to make something wrong? Why does he even does this? I still can’t understand. “Why do you keep doing this?” I ask. Sure I raise my voice and even if it hurts my throat I don’t care, I’m mad and feeling sick again, all because of him and his stupid behaviour.

He looks at the side, avoiding my gaze, and the only sound I hear in response is my phone buzzing on the nightstand. I don’t need to try to guess that is probably Bryan but I don’t care about him now. As much as I like him, Harry needs to talk to me and explain all of this and if he doesn’t I’m ready to cut this friendship because this stresses me out. All of him stresses me out. The way he makes me feel makes me tired and sick and I need to focus on my life and stop caring and worrying about what he can say or do after the next step I give.

“Answer me Harry!” I insist, in a loud tone so he can understand how annoyed I am with this “Why do you keep treating Bryan like this?”

“I told you I don’t like him.” He says firmly but not as loud as I am speaking and he still doesn’t look at me, I know he’s looking at the wall under my shoulders.

“That’s not the only reason. I don’t like some people you hang out with but you don’t hear me telling you that I don’t want you with them.” It’s true, especially the ones who make him go out and partying. I know who they are and I know they just like to hang out with Harry because he knows a lot of people and he’s a good lad to party with and he’s funny when he’s drunk. He’s so nice and naive that can’t see that. But with Bryan is all different.

“But if you’d tell me I would hear you out and wouldn’t hang out with them anymore.” What the hell

“But I’m not going to tell you that because I have no right to do it” is he stupid? Really, I have a feeling that this conversation won’t end up well. “Our friendship is not even one of the best so how the hell would you expect me to tell you those kind of things?” he stays quiet again and I still don’t have the answer “Fuck Harry. You make me feel so… so…” I groan and start to walk in circles, taking my hands towards my face. Harry just looks at me and I don’t know how long I stay walking in the room thinking but Harry is now sat on the floor with his back rested on the door. I know he’s thinking too.

“This is so wrong.” I suddenly say

“What is wrong?” he looks up at me.

I don’t even know what is wrong… not even with me. “Why do you do this?” I ask again and once again the response I receive is the silence “Answer me god dammit.” I shout. “I’m so confused. You do all those things, you get mad when I hang out and talk to Bryan, you’re all nice with me while I treat you like shit, you want to be around me all the time, you take care of me, you want to sleep on the same bed as me. That’s what is wrong here”

“What the fuck Harry. I told you to stop. All of this. But you don’t hear me out.” Finally I say it, but he doesn’t even look at me, he keeps his head on his knees and that pisses me off. “Why?” I shout “Why do you do this, fuck Harry ans-“

“Because I love you, Lou.” He interrupts me, making me freeze and look at him widely. “I love you.” He looks at me and he’s smiling. At least one of us is showing some expression. “I’ve loved you since the first moment I saw you. I guess maybe I’ve even loved you before I saw you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the description of the movie and the book being crap and if it left you confused.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> playlist   
> I can't make you love me by Bon Iver

“I’ve loved you since the first moment I saw you. I guess maybe I’ve even loved you before I saw you.”

I’m speechless. He is joking… he’s fucking joking “Don’t say something like that Harry. Stop taking everything as a joke and be serious once in a while.” I shout. I don’t want to believe it. Sure I put that option sometimes, by the way he acts so that maybe he might has feelings for me. But love me? He told me he loved me, this is something big.

“I’m serious.” He’s fucking smirking. “I love you Lou.” Shut up “And I know you don’t feel the same, but I don’t care. I’ll fight for you. I’ll make you say you love me and the only person you’ll want to be with, will be me.” I cover my mouth with my hands. I’m shocked. This is a dream, Harry didn’t just say that.

“Shut up Harry.” I pass my fingers through my hair “Everything that you speak is bullshit.” I don’t even know why I am reacting this way… but he told me he loved me. His words… his words were… amazing, I mean, I wished they were real and I actually felt the same because it was beautiful. “Oh my god.” I sit on my bed and take a deep breathe.

“Louis…” He tries to stand up but

“No, stay there” I shout, making him stop and sit again on the floor, resting his back on the door. He looks at me like a baby, his eyes are begging for me to sit beside him, I know it. But I can’t. He needs to be kidding. “You must hate me a lot to stress me out by saying a thing like that.” I say. I need to make myself believe that he’s lying, no matter what I’ve gotta say. And more important… I need to make him realise that he doesn’t love me and that he is joking.

“Do you think I would joke about this Louis?” he raises his voice “Are you blind? I even thought you knew it already by the others or even by the way I act around you.” He’s making such an effort not to stand up. “Since the first moment I saw you, I knew you were special.” I almost forgot about the day we met. It was weird, he was blushing when Niall introduced him to us. He seemed so shy towards me, nothing compared to now. I knew who he was already because everyone knew who Harry Styles was around the campus and not because of the best actions. “I know it sounds cliché Louis but you know I don’t lie…” He lied about Bryan and now I understand why and how desperate he is.

“Even if it’s true… You were involved with so many people in the past and even in the other day you brought a girl to our dorm” how can I believe him?

“You know that it was nothing serious. I don’t have a proper relationship since the day we met and the people I had sex with…” I frown “they weren’t serious and I was mostly drunk.” He doesn’t meet my eyes. He should be ashamed by what he’s telling me “And about the girl… I was mad because of what you told me about Bryan so I wanted… I wanted to make you jealous.” What? “I know it didn’t work but, fuck, I’m so jealous of Bryan”

“So you lie about him…”

“I didn’t fucking lie Louis, when are you going to see that? I know him better than you think he’s a bad person and he doesn’t deserve such an amazing person as you are.”

“So you think you deserve?” I tell him but regret it in the same moment. He seems to hold his breath for a little and look at me hurt. Hurt, again. He looks at the ground and I know he’s joining his lips tightly. He uses to do it… when he is about to cry. Shit. “Har-“

“I don’t think I deserve you either, but that won’t change my feelings. I’m so sorry Louis. Just please don’t hate me.” His voice his loud but it cracks at the end. I know he’s holding his tears, I know him too well so I know how he hates crying in front of people. Does he really need to do this?

What if he really loves me? I can’t believe it even if he gives me tones of proofs I would always be one step aside about it. The idea can’t fit in my head. But maybe I’m being too harsh, maybe I’m not putting myself in his position, maybe I’m not reminding myself that this boy who is sat on the floor, desperate, is a great and wonderful guy, besides everything and is also the one who cares the most about me. Once again, besides my behaviour. I don’t think I deserve it but is welcome. His presence, his everything, is needed.

He’s with his head rested on the door and is looking at the ceiling, probably thinking about everything or maybe thinking about what he just said and who knows he regrets it and thinks he was wrong. But even though I walk towards him and let myself sit next to him, being on the same position as he is.

“I-I don’t ha-hate you.” I stammer and I feel his look on me. “I couldn’t, at least not because of… because of what you just said.” I sigh and look down. I don’t really think he would lie so I can’t simply make him believe the otherwise. I can make myself, but I know it’s not the best. But I still don’t know what to say. “B-But are you sure?” I ask him, turning my gaze at him. I know it’s a stupid question to ask but he seems to understand it and nods right away. Will things change from now on?

“Everything will be the same. I won’t let this ruin us.” He says, chuckling almost as if he had read my thoughts “So you won’t get rid of me so soon“ He hits me on the arm with his elbow, joking and I shake my head laughing a little. I don’t want things to get awkward. At least not as much as they are already. “I love you so much…” He lowers his voice, but I hear it, and it has the same impact as it had minutes ago. When I look at him quickly, he’s looking at the ceiling once again. I want to tell him not to say that again, but words don’t come and silence takes over the room.

I don’t think I can ever love Harry. I just shiver with the thought. It’s too weird and I never, but never put that guess – our friendship never allowed me to – so how can he feel that way towards me. Why me? He has so many people around him and I’m sure a lot of girls have, at least, a crush on him, and even guys. Why me? So he can end up hurt? Even myself knows that Harry doesn’t deserve it. If I ever hurt him that way… I don’t know I’d feel. I’m used to be harsh at him and he gets indifferent with it. He knows I don’t feel the same about him so he should try to forget me, maybe not being so close to me. But he seems to do the otherwise and I find hard to be me doing it. It wouldn’t be fair. I need him.

I need him. I can’t keep telling myself this. I need him to go away.

“You shouldn’t be sat on the cold,” He says after some good long seconds and stands up from the floor making me look up at him “you’re ill Louis!” He stretches his hand for me, so I can grab it. I think twice before raising mine and allowing him to grab my hand tightly to help me to stand up. I stay too close to him when he does it but he gives me a smirk and steps away, quickly. 

“I’m feeling better.” Not really but I don’t want to bother anymore.

“You sure?” but he doesn’t seem convinced

“Yes, Harry. I need to study now so you can-“

“Are you nuts? Don’t think that I’m going to allow you.” He interrupts me and I sigh. I might don’t need to study but I just missed a class so I need to see the next pages from the books, everything is better than feeling this tension in the air

“Do I need your permission to study now? I think you’re not doing the father’s role correctly.” I joke walking to my bag to take off my books. Harry runs there and after grabbing my forearm to push me to the side, grabs my bag. “Harry!” I shout in annoyance.

“You aren’t completely rested.” He says firmly, grabbing tightly my bag against his chest

“I am now, give me that.” I stretch my arm so he can hand me it

“No!” he simply says

“Give me!” I try to take it from his arms but he turns around, not allowing me to. “Harry.” I put my arms around his torso, behind his back, trying to take it from his hand, with no success since my arms are shorter.

“I’m not giving it to you.” He laughs but I’m not in the mood for jokes now. I continue trying but he doesn’t give up, till I feel dizzy and quickly step away, taking my hands towards my head. Harry notices it and I hear him dropping my back to the floor and coming to my rescue

“I knew you weren’t feeling all right” he says, concerned, resting his hands in my arms so I don’t lose my balance. “Lou, talk to me.” He tries to look at my face, since I’m looking at the floor trying to recover.

“I’m fine now.” I look back at him and he’s seriously concerned.

“How about you go to bed and I bring some food.”

“Not soup, please.”

“Okay no soup.” He smiles and I nod, heading to bed while he goes out, not before giving a last look to check on me.

~*~

He definitely didn’t bring soup, he ran to McDonald’s to bring us hamburgers, fries – just for me since he doesn’t like it, how on earth he doesn’t like it?! – and of course he just bought water. I can’t believe he also brought ice cream, the one I love the most so then I shared it with him so we ended up eating it already melting. I was so hungry that I ate that moaning in pleasure, making him laugh but also looking at me carefully with an interested look – which was creepy. Thank god I actually have appetite to eat and don’t feel like I’m throwing up or this would end up badly.

Somehow Liam, Niall and Zayn reminded about our existence and came up to our dorm because they were concerned and not just about me. We talked a little and I looked like a patient in a hospital bed to be honest.

“Well guys, it’s nearly midnight the visiting’s hour is over. Louis needs to rest.” Harry jokes with a smirk on his face and I roll my eyes. But I’m kinda thankful since I’m tired and the pillow is calling for me.

“Get well soon Louis!” Niall smiles at me after offering Harry a look and taking Liam’s and Zayn’s hands. I thank them all and Liam also gives me a look so I mutter a We talk later which he nods. Zayn tries to wave at me before Niall literally dragging them out of the room.

“They’re so weird.” I laugh a little and Harry agrees with a grin. He seems happy since we finished dinner – well it was kind of a dinner – so it’s good to see him like this. The way he looks when sees Bryan kills me on the inside and I don’t even understand it.

What I don’t understand either is the way things between us seem so normal after what he told me. He’s really making his best not to change this between us and I’m shocked with myself since I’m acting the same way as well.

“What do you wanna do tomorrow?” he asks, changing his clothes to some more comfortable ones. I make my best not to stare this time

“I don’t know… but I sure don’t want to spend the whole day inside again.” I say laying down on my bed 

“If you’re not feeling better, then is the best.”

“I don’t want to Harry. As much as I enjoyed this time with you here I-“ I stop myself. What did I say? I can’t make him have high hopes and expectations… I never passed him the message that I might have feelings for him, haven’t I? No, he knows I don’t like him that way. Dammit I can’t be thinking about this now all the time I say something less… normal? That’s changing things between us and creating more troubles for me.

“Why did you stop?” He raises his eyebrow looking at me and I didn’t even notice him walking closer to my bed.

“Wha-What? Erm,” I look back at him “sorry I forgot what I was saying.” I scratch the back of my head. I’m really stupid. He seems to want to say something else but puts it at the side.

“Okay. We see what to do tomorrow, it’ll depend if you’re feeling better or not.” I nod and decide to lay down under the sheets when he walks away. I’m tired but this day was nice, except Bryan’s visit… or the result of it. Bryan! I forgot about him again dammit.

I take my phone from the nightstand and I have one missed call and two messages.

Are you okay Louis? Did he hurt you? I’m really worried!

-Bryan

Maybe we can talk tomorrow or something. Tell me something soon please.

I hope Harry didn’t hurt you.

-Bryan

In the two messages he sent he really had to touch the subject where Harry is violent. Sure he looked a bit off from himself, but when doesn’t he when he sees Bryan? He’s jealous so it’s normal… fuck, I’m so jealous of Bryan, jeez he’s really jealous.

Harry would never hurt me I told you already.

Thanks for your concern but I don’t think I can talk to you tomorrow, but we can meet another day. I’m okay, don’t worry. Besides the Halloween ball is already Friday so we’ll spend a good time. See ya.x

-Louis

I type almost without thinking, I don’t want him to see me with a cold, all snotty and looking like crap. And I’m going to admit I don’t want to Harry know that I’m going to see him, especially when on Friday, I’m going with him at the party.

“Are you texting him?” Harry voice sounds, interrupting the silence. I gulp and don’t dare to look at him. It’s not right the way I deal with all of this and the way I’m dealing with but I don’t wanna hurt Harry with this. 

“Y-Yeah…” I talk in a low tone. He hums in response and I notice that he’s just sat on the edge of him bed. “You can-“ I can’t finish, I can’t find the right words.

“What?” He asks, noticing that I stopped again

“If you want to y-you can… sleep here” I try not to look at him but it doesn’t take too long to feel his presence next to me

“Thank you” His voice is soft and tender and the way he pats my head, caressing my hair makes me shiver. He puts his legs under the sheets and stays close to me. “Are you tired?” he asks stopping the random thoughts I have playing on my mind.

“Yeah…” I reply, honestly.

“So let’s sleep Lou.” He’s smiling and he keeps his voice low and soft, which I appreciate it. I snuggle on my pillow and he covers me with the sheets and then it’s his turn to do the same. This time he doesn’t cuddle with me, probably because he knows I wouldn’t like the idea and maybe that’s true. He faces his back to me and I notice how long and strong it is. Even with the poor light I see how tan his skin is and it makes me want to touch. And as stupid as I am, I actually touch. I pass my fingers through his back, following the lines of his body. I notice the way he shivers with my touch and even the way he tenses. It’s weird though. I stop realising what I’m doing, but don’t pull away. I sleep so well with him by my side, he’s so warm and I’m so sleepy… I pass my hands through his forearm and then let my arm relax above his body, getting closer to him till I rest my head on the bare skin from his back. He doesn’t move and I hope he doesn’t feel uncomfortable

“Goodnight.” I dare to say but he doesn’t reply, instead he holds my hand and interlace our fingers together. I allow it and let’s see this as way to thank him. He’s so nice and even with all the fights we had all this time, today, with his words I realised how much I wished I felt something for him. How happy would I feel…

But I can’t feel anything. I don’t feel anything. He’s Harry after all.


	14. Chapter 14

Today is already Thursday and for the first time I’m actually feeling all right. I’m not really stressed, not feeling like I’m reaching my limit and my head doesn’t feel like is going to explode. I got better on Monday so I’ve got to say that Harry did a good job taking care of me. I just feel a little guilty for making him lose one day of classes and Monday’s morning, but he said it was fine and it’s not really hard to believe though. But from now on I think I’m going to take his advices and trying to rest.

Even if I’m not too stressed with classes, the I don’t have time to literally nothing came back. I didn’t even talk to Liam yet, at least I didn’t find the right moment to – and with all of this, since Monday that I just see Harry at night when we’re about to go to bed. He seems busy with the photography club since Friday is Halloween and they’re basically preparing all of the things for it. I think he didn’t know that he had to collaborate this much…

Things are not weird and I’m so thankful for it. I don’t say he forgot about what he confessed – even if I wanted him to – but since that night that I told him he could sleep with me he didn’t do neither said anything weird and nothing that I could say, yeah he loves me – besides taking care of me but I made my point. He still pisses me off but nothing special, these three days didn’t allow him to though.

I decided to go to the practise today, so that means that I’m going to see Bryan since the day Harry shut the door in his face. I’m grateful it’s not raining today because I don’t really want to catch a cold again because of running outside in the cold and by being all wet.

Bryan gives me a smile and a hello before the practise starts and we start warming up. He knows we can’t really have a proper chat during this so I think he’s waiting for later.

I wait patiently to the end of the practise because to be honest I don’t really feel like it today, I think I’m still a bit lazy but as soon as it ends and we head to the locker rooms to change, I notice that Bryan chose, today, to stay next to me.

“Wait for me when you finish dressing?” He asks, in a soft tone and I nod, giving him a smile. I don’t know if I feel like talking to him. Well I want to, I actually missed him these last days and the last time we saw each other and talked, properly was in our date and he told me he liked me so…

It’s a bit awkward to change next to him and I’m so thankful we don’t have to be naked in front of each other after the bath because that would be so embarrassing, especially for me since I’m so shy when it comes to that subject. But I’m not gonna lie and say that I never thought about Bryan naked, because I already had a good view of his ass last year and I think that just made me a bit… too excited. Anyway.

We dress in silence and when I’m all done, Bryan is already packing his stuff “Done.” He puts his bag over his shoulder “So, d-do you wanna take a coffee or something?”

“Hum, it’s late for a coffee,” why am I so nervous and feeling like this is not right. Dammit Harry it’s your fault. “but, erm, I guess we can go to that coffee shop at the end of the road to drink tea.” Tea?! I’m so stupid, I don’t even like tea.

“Sure.” He laughs a little as it’s expected.

We leave the gym and walk outside the campus, in silence. It’s not a comfortable one, I actually wanted him to talk or doing what Harry does when we’re in silence, he keeps making sounds or saying stupid things to himself but making sure I hear and laugh at it – but yeah, Bryan is not Harry. Bryan is so different from Harry, so it’s kinda impossible for me to change my type. Why am I even taking this option?! Jeez.

We find a table and the place is quiet and mostly empty since is half past night. We order and it’s when Bryan gives me the look.

“So…” He starts and I feel my chest aching. Please don’t talk about Harry, please don’t talk about Harry, please… “Did Harry-“

Holy crap “Bryan…” I sigh with annoyance. The last thing I want to talk about is how terrible Harry is and how concerned Bryan was with me.

“I just…” He sighs too, but it’s different from mine “I heard him screaming and he looked so mad that day… He can be so… so-“

“Stop, please Bryan. Harry…” why I feel weird saying his name? “Harry is a good guy and don’t try making me believe that he is violent or the complete opposite from what he is around me.” I try to keep calm. There’s no need to be mad but somehow I’m tired of listening to the two of them talking crap about each another. I just can’t understand who is saying the truth because right now I see myself defending the two of them and not believing in anyone’s word.

He looks kind of shock and I think I understand it “The way you’re defending him is almost like you two are in something...” is he kidding?

“What?” I like him how can he say something like that, how can he not see it?

Maybe the same way I didn’t realise that Harry loved me… if that.

“It’s just… You’re always with him,” no jealousy please “and he was with you when you were ill. I don’t know it’s just… I start to think that you-“

“Bryan” I interrupt him “I don’t – We aren’t okay?” I try to make eye contact with him but he drops it. I look at his hand which is rested above the table and decide to put mine above, as he did it with me once – or was it twice? He looks at me right when I feel the warmth from his skin “I-I like you…” I say and I think my heart is going to jump out of the place and I not only because I said those words, it’s also because something else I just don’t know it “Not him… you.” I smile and his faces lights up. He turns his hand so now he’s holding mine and interlacing our fingers – it’s different from when Harry does it but I like it.

“Really?” He asks and he looks like a child

“Yeah really, I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t feel it…” I feel my cheeks burning, I’m sure I’m blushing. “And for a while now.” I laugh a little to hide the nervous.

“Me too” he simply says and I think that I understand.

“So I’m really excited for Friday.” I smile bright, showing him that I’m really into it and changing subject. 

“Me too. I have planned the costume and all” Shit I forgot about it. I really need to ask for Liam or Zayn’s help

“So how are you going?”

“Surprise” He winks and even if we drop our hands, our legs are interlaced under the table.

He teases me a little bit and then our order arrives so he starts talking about something that happened to him at the lab today and the way his lips move when he talks makes me feel the urge to stand up from the chair and kiss him. It’s all right, right? We like each other. Jeez, we like each other…

“So what did you-“ He stops talking when my phone rings. It’s a message

“Sorry.” I say while taking my phone from the pocket

Where are you Lou?

-Harry

Fuck. Even with a simple message I can say that he’s worried. I look at the time and it’s almost half past ten, I can’t believe we stayed here for so long.

What am I going to answer? I’m with Bryan lmao. That would be awful for him and I can’t make him that. But I can’t lie to him also… Ugh I hate him for making me this.

“Erm, is it Harry?” he asks and I look up at him

“Yeah…” I bite my lip. I feel like I need to tell him I need to leave but at the same time I want to stay with him because I’m enjoying myself so much. So I just write:

Sorry, I’m there in 15!

-Louis

I put my phone back on my pocket and turn my attention to him

“Does he-“ he starts but I don’t allow him to continue

“Don’t… We always end up talking about him and I seriously hate it” I laugh a little “So I wanna talk about us” I wink and he understands my trick and for the first time I make him blush.

~*~

It’s already eleven when I reach the dorm. I forgot the hours but it felt like only 15 minutes had passed while I was with Bryan. We did nothing special just stayed there talking, really, but I truly liked that time. We held hands while we were walking to the campus and to be fair I was waiting for him to kiss me but that didn’t happen… well I think he doesn’t want to rush this and that’s fine if I’m with him like this. I just hope Harry doesn’t ruin it. It’s hard. Harry loves me and Bryan likes me. I think it’s a whole different thing and it scares me what Harry can end up doing… and what I can end up doing.

I try my best to be quiet since Harry, for my surprise, is already sleeping on his bed. Even sleeping he makes noises and doesn’t stop moving. I quickly change into my pyjama and “Louis.” I hear Harry and quickly turn my attention to him

“What?” I ask but it’s when I see that he’s still sleeping. Is he dreaming about me? Well is nothing kinky, at least, he doesn’t stop turning around in his sheets.

“Louis…” He calls me again but this time is like a sigh but his tone is desperate.

He’s scaring me so I walk towards him and put in knees in front of his bed. Gently I rest my hand above his shoulder “Harry!” I try my best to be soft but at the same time speak loudly, shaking him a little. He quickly opens his eyes and sits up in a blink of an eye.

“Louis?” he looks at me, almost confused and, with the back of his hand, cleans his forehead which was with possible sweat.

“Are you okay?”

He looks at the clock he has above his nightstand and then at me again “You took so long…” his voice is so sad and fragile, I ask myself what he’s thinking right now, if he is thinking in something… by the way he looks, pale and breathing heavily I don’t know if he can be thinking about anything besides what is happening.

I try not to look at him “Lost track of time.” By the way he looks at me, I don’t really need to say anything else… I don’t want to neither.

“Louis…” his bottom lip is shaking and his eyes are stuck with mines “Do you-do you hate me, Louis?” Why is he saying my name so many times? It’s so hard for me to hear him calling me in this tone of voice.

“What? Ha-Harry…” why is he bringing this up now

“Do you?”

“N-No, I don’t… but why this?” I ask, really confused. I kinda hate him, yes but I keep saying that, that’s not something I should say

“I-I had a nightmare… Sorry.” He looks down at his lap and starts playing with his fingers. Why is he nervous?

Without thinking I put my hands above his, stopping him doing it “Hey, it’s okay…” he looks at the gesture and I squeeze his hands “I’m here now, it’s fine Hazz…” I try to use the nickname that he adores hearing from me so due that I don’t use it at all. But I think it’s needed right now and he sure looks more pleased.

“But it was awful Lou…” His voice cracks and for as much as I wanted to know the story I sure don’t want to make him telling me. He looks so down…

With my other hand I make him look at me and I notice how red and warm his cheek is “It was just nightmare, I-I stay with you for the night okay?” Why am I even doing this? Isn’t it just wrong but crazy… But he did a lot for me and I think this is the least. He nods quietly and I make my best to offer him a smile which he responds with a smaller one. I stand up and when he goes to the other side of the bed I get under the sheets. This part is really warm and his pillow is all covered in sweat which he changes them so he can be with that one and I use the other one he uses to have on the other side. He lays down and doesn’t even make an effort to our elbows being touching – and that’s so not him - he’s squeezed against to the wall. He still seems so down and it makes me feel a hole on my chest… I learnt that I seriously hate seeing Harry upset.

“Harry…” I get closer to him “Please, don’t be like this” I whisper and it’s when I’m with my head rested on his shoulder. I notice that he makes his best to look at me and I think that’s a start. I start to play with his fingers, brushing them, since he has his hand next to his body and I can easily reach it with mine. “Can you smile for me?” I’m such an idiot.

I feel his hand on my cheek, making me look at him. His lips are so close to mines and I begin to feel uncomfortable. I don’t want to feel this again around him but if he does something, I sure am going to be pissed.

But then he just kisses my cheek – and what the fuck – and when pulls back gives me a warm and sweet smile. Much better. Or not because now I got to know that his lips are soft and kinda wet. Ugh. “Thanks.” I did nothing but I decide not to say a word and for my own sake pull away from his shoulder. But he pushes me back, not allowing me to. Help. “Please, stay close.” He whispers and his eyes are shut again. I gulp and there is no way back. I can’t get out of the warmth of the sheets – or is it his body? – and the comfort, by how sleepy I notice that I am.

~*~

Next morning Harry is literally crushing me against the mattress, I can’t even breathe and I’m sweating. “Harry.” My voice is muffled by the sheets and his body, but he probably hears it and feels the vibration from my body because he moves – but not to the other side of the bed, he keeps laid down on my back – and groans a little. “I know you’re awake so get off of me.” I try to yell but my voice still sounds far away.

“Comfy…” I think I’ll never get over his morning voice.

He wraps his arms around my body and that’s when I can’t feel any fresh air and the world seems to be just this little space “Harry Styles, you fat piece of shit, I can’t breathe.” I try my best to sound louder than the other times.

He starts laughing and moves a little so I can finally breathe properly, but he keeps holding me and I feel his hot breathe on the back of my neck “So grumpy already in the morning” He teases.

“Waking up with you killing me is not the best way to start the day.” I say trying to release myself but he doesn’t allow me to.

“Oh Lou… you’re too stressed,” his voice sounds different and I can’t really read what it means… or, well , I do know it but just don’t really want to see it clear. Probably the second one. I feel his hands under my shirt I froze because I don’t really know how to react. Does he not learn? “how about we stay here all day?” his voice is slow and soft but at the same time I know he’s teasing but I don’t dare to say that it sounds sexy. I feel his lips on my neck and he moves to be in a more comfortable position so he’s now between my right leg, but when that happens I feel something hard. Is…is… Is that his dick? HOLY SHIT.

“Ha-Ha-Harry…” I feel something weird, something that is not right. I don’t want this… Yesterday I decided to stay here just because he looked really down and it was the least. He cares for me so I need to try a little harder to care too; but this morning he looks better… not only better but he’s acting like he was three weeks ago so I can’t allow him doing what he did, again. And not getting a boner, counts.

Apparently he’s with one but it sure won’t be me taking care of it. God no way. Besides if Bryan knew how Harry and I are right now he would be mad, and I wouldn’t blame him. This is not right. This is not fucking right. “Get off, get off, get off.” I shout and make my best to push him away from me.

He starts laughing again and he shouldn’t be, it pisses me. “Are you going to leave me like this?” He smirks and asks already sat on his side while I am too but at the edge of the bed. I look widely at his lower part, he has a huge bulge. His face is priceless when he looks at me and I sure look like I’m going to have a heart attack. He’s huge, shit, no, Louis stop thinking about it or… dammit I just twisted “I sure don’t want to leave you like that.” He crawls closer to me and looks down and then again at my face. I probably look red, this is embarrassing and it makes me hate him even more.

“Ye-yeah, I me-mean n-no… I-“ I can’t even talk properly, what am I saying? Thankfully his laughter makes me stop

“I’m just kidding Louis! Sorry about all of this.” He winks and gets up from the bed leaving me unmoved in it. “It’s almost eight, won’t you be late?” his voice makes me stand up quickly from the bed and grabbing my stuff

“See ya later.” I say quickly and run out of the room to the bathroom, closing the door maybe too strongly, but that was unintentional.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> playlist:  
> On Our Way - The Royal Concept

“Finally you got here,” I shout right in the moment that open the door from my room “I don’t know what to wear for the party and we only have two fucking hours.” Liam stares at me weirdly and Zayn is right behind him with an amused expression. I’m breathing heavily and I’m stressed and Bryan is going to be here in 2 hours for sure and I’m still wearing my hoodie and jeans

“You forgot about it, didn’t you?” Liam finally speaks, shaking his head and walking in.

“I didn’t.” I did.

“Sure,” Liam laughs and Zayn hands him the little bag he is holding “let’s see what we can do.” And then he sits on Harry’s bed, ready to watch the show while Liam makes me sit on the chair across the desk.

“How did you know what I-“

“It was obvious Louis, I was waiting for your panicked call.” I roll my eyes with his joke. I say joke because Zayn started laughing but I don’t see the point.

“It’s impossible for me to look as great as you two.” I think Zayn is supposed to be a pirate, but he looks too hot to be it and Liam is obviously Batman, I’m sure if he appeared at the door with the mask I would punch him in shock.

“That’s true” Zayn says and he seems too serious, so I give him an unpleased look while Liam laughs a little. I think their relationship has improved along this month.

“Anyway,” Liam speaks now “let’s do your makeup”

“Makeup?” I look widely at him while he just smirks, grabbing for what it seems to be… EYELINER?

~*~

“Done” Liam smiles proudly at his work, which is my face. I swear if it comes out to be shit and he just did this to mock me…

“Wow, you look great Louis, really.” Zayn compliments me standing up and I still don’t know how I look like. “Just dress this now with your black jeans” he hands me a big black jacket and I look weirdly at him

“Let me just see how do I look like.” I say walking towards the wardrobe to open it and look at myself in the mirror

“Dress up first, then you’re done.” Liam says and takes my jeans from my chair.

I do what he says and after all done I’m ready to see how I look like. When I see my reflexion my mouth opens like an “o” “Liam, it’s amazing.” I say approaching from the mirror to see the details. The makeup is so well done, even on my lips and eyes, the small details make it twice better.

“Thank you!” he was always good with these kind of things but I never imagined him doing this at me.

“No, thank you.” I smile at him and he nods. I sure look okay… I mean more than okay. I like what I see and I’m confident. When I look at the time, it’s expected, he took almost the two hours doing this and even that I think it was too quickly. “Bryan is almost here. Do you guys will wait for us or are you going already?” I ask looking at both of my friends.

They look at each other and then at me at time “We’re probably going to get Niall since Harry went to the party earlier because he’s part of the organization,” he sure didn’t know he was going to be part of it or he would never go. That makes me laugh because he had to work his ass off in the pavilion and that’s not even funny for him since he was expecting to just take pictures of the party “so we’re heading with him all right?” Liam finishes

“Okay then, we see each other there.” I smile and they wave at me, leaving the room. By the time the door shuts my phone buzzes and I pick it up.

I might be there a little late so do you mind go without me and we meet up there?

-Bryan

He said he had already the costume ready so he probably had some late work to do, to be late now.

How long will you take?

-Louis

The reply comes ten boring minutes later

Probably twenty minutes, sorry.

-Bryan

It’s fine. Call me when you get there or something.x

-Louis

I wait a little bit more till I realise the reply won’t come so I decide to walk to the party. The air is chilly and there is a lot of students along the campus. It’s different because at nine usually no one is outside due the cold nights. It’s awkward to walk here alone – even surrounded by people – and when I get to the feast hall from the campus, there is two friends of mine in the entrance.

“Hey, Louis?” they look better at me, probably to make sure they’re right.

“Yeah,” I laugh a little “How’s you two going?”

“Good” Calvin replies while Ed answers at the same time “Great.” I smile a little at them

“So you two are taking care of the place?” I joke

“Yes, are you in the list?” Calvin asks me and he sure knows, I bet he’s just enjoying this job

“Sure I am.” Ed checks and nods to Calvin

He gives me permission to walk in and I chuckle due the moment. There are a lot of students, more than I’ve ever expected to be honest. They all wear different types of costumes and I’m sure the girls are the ones who look better and gave everything to look great for this party. Also the decoration looks amazing, there are an area for the food and drinks and then there are stuff, like spiders, bats and pumpkins hanging from the ceiling. There are also cobwebs everywhere, black balloons and they made look there’s fog along the floor. It’s simple but great. The music is loud and I’m impressed that there are no teacher or vigilantes here so they allowed the students make everything on their own. Well half of us are twenty and some older than that so I think they made it well.

I stay sat on the big sofas at the corner, alone for ten minutes. There is no signal of Liam, Zayn, Niall or even Harry, and Bryan said twenty minutes so he’s still not late so I’m going to wait for him.

A couple of friends of mine walk towards me with their girlfriends so we stay chatting a little bit. Then I decide to stand up and walk around, maybe I find Liam and the others, I’m tired of being here like this.

“Niall!” I know it’s him, he’s been talking about how punk rock he was going to look like for the party since the day we bought up the topic.

“Louis!” he yells with a bright smile and walks towards me “Liam sure did a great job with you.” He says putting his arm around my shoulder while the other one is holding a cup

“Thanks man, I like your hair” I laugh, patting his head

“Shut it” He spats my hand away “you’re going to ruin my style!” he plays harsh but he can’t because when he looks at me starts laughing. “So did you see Harry already?”

“Hum… No. I’m waiting for Bryan now” I give him a weird look but I’m not surprised with the change of subject. I’m sure Niall knows everything…

“Oh yeah, that one.” Niall doesn’t like Bryan “Is he late?” He looks at me carefully but I think it’s due the poor light

“Yes, but he’s probably coming by now.” This is so awkward, I can’t have any good conversation with someone that I don’t feel bad with myself.

“Hum, okay…” he says and stays some seconds in silence till gives me a look that it’s not usual for Niall to give. “Look Louis, you know how Harry feels towards you, why do you keep doing this in front of him?” I look widely at him, how dare he saying this? I adore Niall, he’s amazing and I have a special care for him but this was too much, even if we’re really good friends he’s just making me feel worst and guilty.

“What the fuck?” He doesn’t look regret for what he said to me “I’m not doing anything in front of him I-“

“He looks down with all of this…” He doesn’t. I know he doesn’t, he’s Harry after all and he sure doesn’t look down about this. Does he? I know Niall is his best friend and just wants to help him but that’s not an excuse to accuse me from this.

“Oh Niall, please. Now because of how Harry feels I can’t keep up with my life?” this is insane

“I’m not saying it, but you always treat him like shit so I think you should consider his feelings sometimes.” He snaps and I find this unreal, I can’t believe Niall just told me this in this tone of voice. He sounds bothered and mad and it sure ruined my night and it’s just in the begging.

I shake my head and start walking away, I don’t even care if he’s right but hell I feel worst now and I’m glad Niall decides not to follow me to give me more of his harsh words.

I feel someone grabbing my arm and making me turning around so I’m faced now with Harry holding a camera and then I just see the light from the flash. “Needed to photograph something gorgeous.” Harry appears behind the camera with a smile on his face. He always looks so happy around me, so I think it’s impossible for him to be so down with all of this. “God Lou, you look amazing!” He says and almost make me blush by the way he says it. He sure doesn’t look bad himself. He’s probably dressed as a vampire so he’s wearing red contact lenses, his face his paler and the skin around his eyes is darker, also I think he’s wearing eyeliner too and fuck, sure it looks great on him.

“Erm, yeah. Tha-Thanks.” I scratch the back of my neck.

“So are you here alone?” He looks so good that I can’t stop staring at him… the fact that his face is paler it makes his lips look redder and plumper. “Lou?”

I shake my thoughts away “Hum, yeah I am.” I reply and his face lights up, not sure why

“So I am going to take some photos around but then we can be together, okay?” He asks with a grin

“I don’t know if-“

“Hello boys.” I look at the side where Bryan appears. Oh, we have some competition here, he’s wearing a Dracula costume and I can’t say which one looks better with the makeup. Harry gives him a glower and I look at the two at time to see their expressions. Harry looks so strict and Bryan looks so happy, with a big smile on his face and to make it worse, he puts his arm around my wait, pulling me closer to him and that’s when I think Harry is going to punch him. “Sorry for making you wait babe,” he says and I look widely at him while he meets my gaze, still with a smile “I called you, didn’t you hear it?” he drops it and looks at Harry “I had to do some stuff…”

“Erm, n-no. I didn’t hear my phone due the noise.” I try to keep my normal voice but it’s hard with them looking at each other so… disturbingly.

“So Harry, the place looks nice, did you help with it?” Bryan asks, trying to be nice. His tone is so friendly and I feel so good with his hand grabbing tightly my waist.

Harry gives me a look, one I can’t read the meaning “I need to go now.” He says and disappears. Is Niall right and he feels down with all of this?

“You shouldn’t have done this in front of him.” I tell not award of what I am saying.

He looks at me confused “Why?” Dammit, I’m not going to tell him that Harry loves me.

I look away quickly “Forget, let’s have some fun, okay?”

*

I don’t know what is wrong with me but something is not right. It’s not Bryan’s fault, we’re here for almost two hours and I’m actually having so much fun with him. He’s so nice and funny and cute… damn he’s so cute with me, he makes me feel alive and happy. But for what it seems it’s not enough for me to forget Harry and the feeling guilty part. I saw Harry about three times along the time we spent here and every time he looks at us he quickly looks away so yeah we didn’t talk at all – but he also appears to be occupied with the camera.

It seems that I can’t be all right with Bryan without receiving weird looks from all of my friends. Is this wrong, being with him? It’s my god damn life and I do what I want and it’s not my fault that I have feelings for him as it isn’t my fault that Harry has feelings for me so this is all bullshit.

“So I think New York is the best place to go and I think it would be better if you had someone special beside you” Bryan finishes telling me his experience when he was in NYC. I always wanted to go there but it seems almost impossible for me, but he went there alone, how lucky? “What do you think Louis?” he asks looking better at me and I notice the way he’s so much closer from me in the sit.

“I would love to go to New York.”

“With me?” He smirks and damn this boy is so hot. I shouldn’t be worried about anything besides him right now. I sure am blushing and he notices it, even with these weird lights, so he’s now with his hand rested on the back of my neck and the other one caressing my cheek. “You’re so cute Louis.” He smirks and then it disappears when leans over, pressing our lips together and holy crap we’re kissing. He moves his head and our lips move sync and, clumsily, I try to find a place to put my hands, so I end up resting them on his shoulders. It’s soft not rough, it’s sweet… Although, probably because of all the thoughts I have on my mind, I don’t enjoy the way I thought I would. Sure he’s a good kisser but it misses something… But I’m not also saying that I don’t like it because I was waiting for this for so long, I daydreamed about this. When he pulls back, a smile is written on his lips and I look down shyly. He chuckles a little and makes me look back at him by my chin “You good?”

I nod quietly and make myself smile at him “Yes…” and I am so why am I not showing how happy I am? “God, yes.” I smile truly this time and he pecks my lips one more time.

“Me too.” His smile is so contagious

I look around just to make sure that some people didn’t see it. I know I shouldn’t be worried but it still concerns me and what Niall told me didn’t help. When I see that Bryan is looking at me carefully I give him one more smile and hold his hand on my lap. He looks at the gesture and then at me.

~*~

Harry’s POV

This party is nuts I could be enjoying this but instead I am taking pictures of it. It’s going to be memorable so we need you to take photos Harry they said You can’t stop, there is no time for fun they said. Well I worked my ass off in the decoration as well, where is my reward?

I lean myself against the closest wall, looking at the pictures I took so far. They look nice and if it wasn’t for that and the fact that I love doing this, it wouldn’t be worth it. I had to click on the back button when I see a photo that actually catches my attention. Louis. He looks gorgeous in the picture I took of him off guard; but did he know he was smiling the right moment he saw me?

This guy drives me mad and he looks fucking hot with this makeup. He’s so beautiful and so not mine. Bryan, that asshole, what does Louis see on him? I noticed the way he looked at him, Louis thinks he’s a lovely boy, kind and perfect. Fuck no, he’s wrong. I hate him, I hate Bryan so much and now knowing that he took my Louis away and is probably going to hurt him, makes me so fucking furious.

Half of this hate towards him, I’m going to admit that is jealously. Louis likes him, he wants to kiss Bryan, he enjoys being with Bryan and he thinks about Bryan the way he doesn’t think about me and… that hurts. But I won’t give up on him.

He’s so adorable, lovely… I just need to snuggle with him, Louis deserves to be snuggled; he’s really strong and warm and independent but he should have someone to take care of him at the end of the day, crowd his space, take control, give him soft pecks… yeah I need it, I need to kiss him, brush his hair from his forehead, listen to his observations, nuzzle behind his ear, clutch him to my chest, play with his fingers. God I want that so bad, I need it so bad… just doing little things for a sweet boy. I want to relax him, massage him, make him feel safe. He needs it, he deserves it. All that. I want that for Louis and I know I can do that for him, I can give him all of that, all I want, all he deserves, all he needs. I just want to be that person. I want to fill up his world, be the only one he thinks about and he has to need me like I need him, he has to think about me like I think about him all the time… I want to call him mine, in a caring way. I want all of him, all of his body, all of his flaws for me.

I sight. I’m stupid, I’m worthless… I need him the way he doesn’t need me. He has no idea what he makes to me because he’s too busy with fucking Bryan.

“Harry!” I hear calling from me and at first I think it’s all in my head since the music is so loud and there is tones of people around me, but then I see Nick walking towards me with an amusing expression. Someone is having a good time “You’ve no idea…” He laughs

“What, mate?” I ask, dropping my camera, letting the collar support it around my neck

“Niall is pissed,” sweet Jesus “he’s drunk and that boy is so funny…” He laughs and I roll my eyes

“You really replaced alcohol with the drinks?” he nods wildly. Good because I need a drink. “Okay, just check him out and don’t let him doing something he can regret later.” I don’t have much time to take care of him, especially when he’s drunk.

I walk to the tables and take a drink. The alcohol sure burns my throat but right now is welcome, it kinda relaxes me. And all this makeup… I can’t rub my eyes without reminding myself that I have fucking eyeliner and contacts.

I need to see Niall to know in which state he’s now. “Look out.” I say when a tall guy – but not taller than me – brushes against my arm 

“Sorry dude.” He apologizes and when I look at him, I’m sure I’ve seen his face before, but when he walks away I’m obligated to pull away the thought.

When I reach Niall, he’s surrounded by people and when I see him his face lights up and he comes straight away at me “Hello Harry” He smiles bright and I laugh a little, he looks happy to see me. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine.” I reply “Aren’t you ashamed? It’s only eleven and you’re already pissed drunk.” He shrugs and supports his weight on me.

“I talked to Louis.” He says and I stop smiling and give him all my attention

“You did what? When?”

“I don’t know when… But I told him… he’s hurting you... because you looooooove him… you love him a lot, don’t you?” He laughs but it’s not funny, he shouldn’t have told him that.

“Oh Niall…”

“But he didn’t hear me out,” he pouts “because I saw him with Bryan… that brat.” He didn’t have to remind me that “I don’t like him… what about you?” He gives me a weird look and I shake my head, not totally to answer him but more because of his state.

“Harry, you should be working not talking.” Emily walks beside me and says in his bossy tone. She’s so annoying… and she probably got worse since I rejected her. Sure she’s hot, but she’s noisy and I wasn’t too drunk to fuck a girl. I like boys the most. One in particular.

“I gotta go now Niall”

“Oh you’re going to leave me then? Okay… I was going to tell you a secret-“

“A secret?”

“Yeah… something I saw. It was no good to see. But now… I won’t tell you” he smiles and I decide to shake my head again and walk away. He probably saw someone peeing in the bathroom.

I take some more pictures, I’m basically walking in circles here since I reached again the place where I can see Louis and Bryan. They’re too close, Bryan is too close from Louis and for his own health. I want to go there and punch him, I just don’t go because I’m sure Louis would hate me… or more than he does now. Why am I staring at them anyway? I need to look away… but it’s like I can’t, almost as if I like to see them together to hurt myself.

But then I notice how Louis is talking to him… almost if he was mad and… sad? He sure looks like it, and now he stands up from the sit and I’m sure he’s holding his tears. It can’t be. What the fuck that asshole made to him

I clench my fists and when I’m about to walk towards them I feel someone stopping me “Harry!” the voice is annoying, with a strong British accent and I try to release myself while looking at Louis, at least he’s walking away from Bryan and thank good he doesn’t follow him. But it makes me mad because if I ever saw Louis in that state because of me I would follow him and do everything to make sure he’s okay. Bryan doesn’t fucking deserve Louis’ tears. Neither do I and I already made him look at me like he looked at Bryan now, upset. “Harry look at me.” I’m obligated to look at Emily who, honestly, is giving me the scariest look ever. She sure knows what Halloween is about. Frankenstein suits her. “You have to do what you promised to.”

“But I already took tones of pictures. Can’t I take a rest?”

“No you can’t.” She’s so bossy “You see me relaxing? We also need to take care of this place.” I roll my eyes “Niall is drunk, make sure no one else stays in his state, got it?” She literally shouts

“Jeez, you’re annoying.” She slaps my arm and I walk away. I need to find Louis. Fuck Emily and this party now.

I walk and walk and I can’t fucking find him. I’m so worried and to make matters worse I see fucking Bryan laughing and smiling at a bloke. The guy who brushed into me. He’s fucked, I’m tired of that face which says I’m an angel.

I put my camera above the table next to me and I walk furiously towards him “Hey Styles…” He says and by the time he finishes I grab him by his clothes, making him standing up and not even caring about the guy next to him

“You son of a bitch, what did you do to him?” I shout in his face and he’s with that amused look, almost a pleased one and a cheeky smile

“Whoa calm down pretty boy. How about you take off your hands from me?” He stays calm and it makes me more pissed

“Where is he?” I’m losing my nerves

“Who?” He sure is making up this confused face

“You know who, he was crying! I told you not to fucking hurt him.” I grab him more tightly and I can’t punch him here or I’m going to be in trouble, but I don’t know if I can contain myself.

“Oh… I remember now. The handsome guy I was with? The one with good ass? Is that one you’re talking about Harry?” He winks and I walk with him to smash his back on the closest wall.

“Hey dude, let him go.” The guy who Bryan was with tells me and tries to push me away, but I don’t allow him to

“Get off” I shout at him and turn my attention to Bryan. “You’re such an asshole, he liked you for real!”

“Oh I know… And that’s such a bad new for you, isn’t it?” he smirks “But don’t worry, I like him for real too.” I can’t even say if he’s saying the truth “I was wishing for that boy for so long…” he tries to get closer from me to whisper on my ear. His tone of voice is making me so fucking sick “That body, damn… But at least I got a kiss and oh man, his lips are soft” I open my eyes widely. I can’t believe they kissed… I feel my blood running through my veins so I slam him, strongly, at the wall, making him whimper from pain. He knows he can’t get the better of me. I hate this guy so much…

“You stay away from him.” I shout harshly and walk away from him. I’m tired of his face.

Now I really need to find Louis so when I see Liam with Zayn I walk straight at them “Guys…” My voice sounds so desperate and worried “Where’s Louis?” Liam looks at me in attention and I’m sure Zayn is probably drunk by how he looks at me

“He was at the drink table.” Liam says

“Did he look okay?”

“I don’t know… didn’t pay attention at that” I’m surprised since Liam is always so concerned about him “Why?”

“Just tell me, where did he go then?” I ask desperately wanting an answer. I want to see his face.

“I don’t-“ Liam starts but Zayn interrupts “He walked to the bathroom outside the pavilion. Now go away you’re bothering us.” Zayn says and I look at them in disgust when watch them kissing. Zayn needs Liam in a whole different way now.

I don’t lose time walking to the bathroom, the hall is basically with no one so I’m glad. When I’m about to open the door from the men’s restroom someone opens it from the inside and that’s when I see Louis. He supports himself on the doorknob and looks at me as if he was examining my face, the makeup from his eyes is all smeared but it doesn’t make him look less fuckable-I mean good. He licks his lips and I never saw him doing something as hot as this now for me.

“Are you okay?” I ask trying to get myself together and reminding the purpose of this

“I didn’t want you to see me like this.” He says, now looking down

“Lou…” I reach him when he loses his balance

“Sorry.” He looks up at me and says and that’s when I smell the alcohol

“You’re drunk.” When Louis’s drunk he does and says the weirdest and unexpected things ever, really.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize” I hate when he does it, he always sounds so hopeless.

“But I need to apologize… Bryan is a jerk.” Thank god he realizes it now

“What did he do to you, Lou?” He shakes his head and hides his face from me, on my shoulder. I want to see his face, he has no reason to hide it “Look at me beautiful.” I say, making him looking at me. “He doesn’t deserve your sadness.” Right now I just wanna kiss him. Not only because he looks good as fuck with that makeup and his wild and messy hair drives me crazy but also because he deserves it… and shit I just want it. Control yourself Harry.

“Harry…” He grabs the fabric from my clothes tightly and I don’t even know the reason of it “Have I ever told you before how much I admire you and such a wonderful person you are?” He says looking at me like a puppy. I think it’s better just ask about what happened tomorrow when he is sober

I laugh “No you never told me that.” But it’s good to hear that even if is just the alcohol effect.

“Well I should have. It’s true. You’re so good for me” He continues even when I start walking with him, holding him by his hips while he has his arm around my shoulders.

“C’mon let’s go to the dorm, you’re drunk.” But he decides to ignore what I say, even if he keeps walking, continuing is point

“And you’re so kind” I laugh again “Why do I always treat you like shit? You don’t deserve it.”

“I don’t know, babe.” He’s so cute; but this is now, because he’s in this drunk state, I don’t want him to reach the other ones

“Hum… Niall was right.” I want to protest about it but the conversation wouldn’t go anywhere so I decide to continuing walking “Do you hate me because of all of this?”

“No Louis!” I find the need to reply at this.

“So do you love me then?” I cough, I still don’t know how he really felt after I told him how I feel, so is better not saying anything now. “I see…” he sighs “I’m unlovable.”

“Don’t say that Louis.” I roll my eyes, even knowing he’s not seeing it. We’re almost in the dorm, finally

“I say and repeat it. I’m unlovable” he rests his head on my shoulder and I don’t know how he doesn’t find the position uncomfortable while walking. “You always smell so good, Harry. So good.” I need to stop when I feel his lips close to my neck while he smells me. This is weird and at the same time irresistible.

“Lo-Louis…” He laughs due my tone of voice for sure but stops allowing me to walk again. He remains in silence till we reach the dorm and I open the door. “Now change and go to bed.”

“I’m not tired” he says walking in along with me. “I wanna have fun”

“Yeah but we’re staying here now.” I say taking off the uncomfortable clothes and shoes so now I am only in my jeans and a black shirt. 

“I see…” he sits in my bed staring at me “aren’t you going to take off your shirt or something.” I burst into laughter “What?” he raises his eyebrow and looks at me confusedly

“Cheeky we are, hum?”

“Don’t blame me, you’re fucking hot.” I cough, choking myself in my own saliva “Jeez boy.”

“You sure don’t look like the Louis I know.”

“Is that bad?”

“I can’t tell you.” I laugh, he sure is more… opened mind but I like my Louis the way he is.

“Okay.” He pouts and looks so cute. “Can you help me undressing so I can dress my pyjama?” He asks and I look at him widely “Oh c’mon don’t tell me you don’t want to” He winks and fuck. Fuck you Louis. I gulp in dry but against my will – or not – walk towards him. I unbutton his jacket and take it off, throwing it to the side, while he takes off his shoes with the help of his own feet. “My shirt” he smiles, lifting up his arms and the way he looks at me… is so… so not right but at the same time so desired.

I grab the end of the fabric from his shirt and lift it up. I can’t believe I’m doing this, I can’t believe he’s allowing me to do this. Tomorrow, if he remembers this, he’s going to hate me and yell Harry why did you do that? It was your choice you could have slapped me to wake up. I can hear it already.

But now I’m so focused on the way his shirt slides off from his body so perfectly, the way he takes it off from my hands to put it on the side, the way his body looks with the poor light hitting it making me want to feel every detail of it and… the way he jumps to me, interlace his arms around my neck and kisses me.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> playlist:  
> Tongue Tied by Grouplove

He doesn’t even give me time to react and breathe, he just kisses me wildly, desperately and with rush. I lose my balance so I start walking backwards but he follows me, keeping his arms around my neck and kissing me, even if I’m not returning it. This is weird, this is not how I’ve ever imagined kissing Louis… And I’ve never imagined it would be him starting it.

“Kiss me Harry.” He says still with our lips brushing. I’m so shocked that didn’t even return it… but I can’t return it. It wouldn’t be right, he’s drunk he doesn’t know what he’s doing.

“No, s-stop Louis.” I push him away, resting my hands on his chest – I almost forgot that he’s shirtless, fuck – and he drops my neck, looking at me in confusion, almost hurt

“Why?” his voice sounds so sad. I hate when he’s drunk. “Don’t you want to?” he tilts his head

“I-I…” I want to, I want this so bad… But not in this way, not like this… and I want him to remember and doing it with conscience.

“I got it…” now he looks at me mad but there is some kind of disappointment in his eyes “Sorry then.” He turns around and walks back to my bed – he probably thinks it’s his one. For a moment I wished he would dress back his shirt before laying down there, with his arm above his eyes and with his legs spread on the mattress, because god, he looks so good and he’s so fit, it’s making me feel funny. “I just wanted to feel loved…” He sobs. No, fucking no.

“Lou…” I try my best to talk in a soft tone and then I sit next to him. He feels my presence and pulls away his arm so I can see his beautiful blue eyes. I want him to clean that makeup up or I won’t resist.

“Am I so hard to love…?” he’s being so stupid, I just want to make him stop talking. “Even you don’t want to kiss me and-“ So I do it and bow myself to press our lips together. I’ve been to do this for so long that I don’t really want to stop now.

For my surprise, he even pulls me closer to him by his hand on the back of my neck. I rest my hand on his cheek and he kisses me more roughly and I allow him to sit up – but he ends up in a weird position and not with his whole back rested on the headboard – without separating our lips. It’s not being like I’ve daydreamed about but it’s being so welcome and enjoyable.

His lips move in synchrony with mines and I just want to feel his body against mine, I want to touch him in all the ways possible and I want to know his body, to the very minimum detail. I try to pull back the thoughts that are saying that this is wrong and Louis is going to be mad later but I don’t want to stop now, so I allow him to take my shirt off, he’s breathless and in the moment I’m shirtless, I join our lips again and sit on his lap, parting my legs so they’re beside his tights, respectively.

He bites my lip, making me opening my mouth so then I’m feeling his tongue exploring mine and it’s when he lets out a quiet moan and I feel the vibration through my throat so I pull away. We’re going too quickly “Harry!” He groans, protesting

“I’m sorry…” I join our foreheads and hold his face with both my hands, so we’re looking at each other. I can’t take this any further, I know if I kiss him one more time I won’t be able to stop myself because I’m already half hard. He’s such a good kisser and it’s frustrating.

“Don’t you want to?” it’s the second time he asks me this and the tone is the same and has the same effect on me

I’m not sure what part he’s talking about but since I want to make everything with him I answer “Sure I want to Louis. God, I want this so bad… And I wanted to kiss you for so long… But we can’t. I can’t.” I say and pull away, dropping his face and he looks at me carefully.

He doesn’t allow me to get out from his lap by holding my elbows “Please…” his voice… ugh

“Louis… You’re drunk, I don’t want to take advantage of you.” I say honestly.

“But I don’t care. I’m saying that I want to… Just-Just kiss me, Harry I need it.” He’s literally begging and it makes me think that he’s doing and saying all of this because of Bryan. He likes Bryan, not me so he just needs a replacement or someone to make him feeling better. It kinda makes me sad.

I shake my head. If I do something he’s going to hate me tomorrow, I know he doesn’t truly want this… not even kissing me. Sure this is an opportunity for me but it’s so wrong. “I don’t think-“

He interrupts me by pulling me closer to him quickly and almost harshly. Our lips are almost touching but he doesn’t kiss me, instead he looks at me straight in the eyes and it’s when I feel him stroking my hair. “Harry… I’m horny,” I open my eyes widely, this sure isn’t something Louis would say, ever “Are you going to leave me like this?” Oh sure he remembers what I said to him last morning. I gulp, this is making me crazy, he’s being such a tease, when did we change roles?!

He raises both his eyebrows and I know what he’s doing. “Fuck this.” I mumble and join our lips together again, but this time I don’t allow him to take control of it. I kiss him harshly and with all of my strength. I kiss and explore his mouth with my tongue, bite his lips, making sure to swallow them so he can’t remember his kiss with Bryan. I will make him think only about me and the only name he’s going to remember will be mine, even if it’s just for one night. I make disappear all my jealousy with this kiss because now I’m going to pretend that Louis is mine and he’s now feeling the same thing that I am.

He moans from pain and pleasure and I smile triumphantly between our kiss. “Harry…” his voice sounds so sexy “I need you to-to touch me.” Fuck. This is so hot, he’s so beautiful, he makes me lose control of everything. Like he always did.

“Just promise me one thing.” I pull away our lips and grab him by his chin, making him look at me properly “Don’t let anybody but me spoil you.” I know he’s not going to take this serious, but how I wish he would…

He nods energetically and I never imagined seeing Louis as excited as I am seeing now “Yes… Fuck, yes, okay.” He smiles. God he’s so drunk I’m going to regret this.

I kiss him again and sink my fingers in his hair, it’s so soft and god, shining, it makes me want to touch it and burry my face all the time. He passes his hands on the bare skin from my back and the gentle touch makes me shiver. I kiss his jaw and go along to his neck, going back to his lips and I notice that his eyes are closed from pleasure and it’s great to see.

I almost forget about what he asked me to do because once again I find myself so concentrated in the kiss, in the way his lips move with mines, it is so unfamiliar but it’s like I always knew how it would feel like, so I wake up from it when he starts unbutton, clumsily, his own jeans. I just want to make him feel good, god I want him to feel like he can trust me.

“I’m gonna get lube” I say and I notice how I am breathing so heavily.

“L-Lube?” He looks surprised at me, but so cute. His lips are red and swollen and I’m so proud of the hickey I made on his neck and jaw.

“Just trust me babe.” I kiss his cheek and stand up from the bed. While I look for it on the little bag I have on the last drawer from my nightstand I look back at Louis just to check him out. He’s just in boxers and I’m sure he’s unsure if he should take them off or not. I know he’s drunk and not full of himself but somehow I feel like he’s acting like the real Louis would.

I find it and walk back to my bed, stopping at the end, so I’m stood up there admiring Louis. He looks so beautiful, the way his hair is going in all the direction, his eyes are dilated and still have makeup around them… I can’t stop looking, really, I mean he’s in my bed, wearing only boxers, with his legs spread and with a shy smile written upon his lips. It seems like a dream. “What?” he asks when I stay there too much time.

I give him a smirk – a stupid but happy smile, more like – and crawl up between his legs, teasingly nipping his thighs on my way, after dropping the lube next to us. I place my hands in both his thighs then and pass my fingers up through his body while I move to reach his lips again. I give him a peck and he keeps with his eyes open, looking at me. “All good?” I ask and he nods. He’s so dizzy and out of this world that I wouldn’t be surprised if he passed out at any moment. I kiss his neck now and then go down to his chest till I reach his hips. I suck the skin above the waistband from his boxers and then brush my nose over his crotch while running my hand up and then running my fingertips gently over his nipple. He whimpers, moving his right leg a little and I chuckle, he looks so fragile now.

“Harry... st-stop teasing.”

“Well you deserve it.” I smirk looking up at him and he rolls his eyes. When I look down again I notice his boner through his boxers and damn.

“Just do it, please.” The way he begs, is enough for me to place my hands under his thighs and pull him closer to me, making him laying down on the mattress, so it’s more comfortable for him. When I look at him, he’s looking at the ceiling, biting his lip and fuck, he wants me to touch him, he’s so desperate, I can see it by his face.

I put my fingers in the waistband from his boxer and take them off, making him lifting his legs and throwing them on the floor so he’s naked in front of me. I have seen like this before but this seems like the first time. He still doesn’t look at me and I think he might be a little embarrassed, but he doesn’t need to at all. “You’re beautiful Louis.” I tell him and it’s when he looks back at me and gives me a smile. A proper one, finally.

I decide to spill the lube in my hand and it’s when I grab his cock and start to give a few strokes. He closes his eyes and, while doing it I crawl on top of him till I reach his ear “You’re so hot,” I whisper, seductively and he moans a little due my words and movements “so gorgeous.” I bite his ear and I know the effect this is having on him. “You drive me crazy, I want you all the time, every part of you… Even when you shout at me and I love making you mad. You look sexy when you’re mad, Lou.” I want to make him feel and think only about me and I know that now this is working, by his beautiful throaty noises he’s making and he’s slowly falling apart underneath me. I kiss his lips once again after crawling back down between his legs and he keeps his eyes shut.

I give one more stroke, massage his head and then licking it. “Harry this-“ he starts but when I put his whole member on my mouth he makes himself stop because he doesn’t have the strength and breathe to talk. I place my hands under his bum and make him fuck my mouth, working with my tongue along the length. I start slowly, he needs to suffer a little more first. Then I suck it faster and don’t even care to pull it out to breathe a little because I want to make him crazy, I want to make him moan my name to know that he’s liking it. And I know it, I know that he is when I feel him grabbing a handful of my hair and making me move faster. “Fuck, Harry…” I decide that I love the way he moans.

“Are you enjoying?” I ask, finally taking a deep breathe. He hums in response and I take it as a yes. While I look at his chest going up and down – and oh how I love his tattoo bellow his collarbones – I spill more lube, but this time on my fingers. I kiss the hickey I made on his left hip, put a finger inside of him and he gasps “Does it hurt?” I ask, not really concerned because Louis is not a virgin and I’m sure he did this plenty of times.

“N-No…” his legs are shaking and he’s whining

I pull it in and out, slowly but going deep. He tries to catch his breath but it’s useless when I put another one. I make faster movements and I just want to reach his prostate as fast as I can, because I know it’ll be worth it. He raises up on his arm, to watch me. I look back at him and he’s biting his lip and fisting the sheets and fuck, I moan due the vision. “Tell me wh-when I reach y-your spot.” He nods and I know it costs him to do it.

I hold myself with one hand on the mattress, beside his leg and start to pull in and out even faster and deeper till he moans in pure pleasure and falls back into the sheets with his mouth half open. “The-There, fuck…”

I know I need to make a little more to take him over the edge so I finger him with three fingers now and keep massaging his prostate.

By the time I see him trying to reach his member, so he can touch himself, I don’t allow him to, slapping his hand away. For much I would love to see him doing it I want to make this all by myself “Don’t touch yourself.” I demand and he whimpers. This is all what I wanted.

I keep doing the same movements with my fingers and I can literally feel his prostate, he’s letting out small gasps and moans, grabbing the sheets tightly with one hand, biting his bottom lip, breathing heavily… So I watch his chest going up and down quickly and all of this makes me moan because he’s so incredibly hot, it drives me crazy. I want him, I want him so much and I know I will always want and it’ll hurt me tomorrow because he’ll hate me, what I feared the most will happen because now he’s enjoying, he’s drunk and horny but tomorrow he’ll remember and regret everything. He’ll blame me and I know it’s my fault but how did he expect me to resist? I can play cheeky around him, I can even pretend that he doesn’t hurt me so I flirt a lot but at the end I just do this to feel like I can have some chances with him, I do this to see his reaction and I do this to play pretend because at the end I wouldn’t be able to make him do something he wouldn’t want to, I wouldn’t be able hurt him.

“H-Harry…” he moans my name again and I can’t believe I’ve been thinking about all of this shit while doing this to him, I even started to move my fingers slower “keep doing… faster…” his voice is so throaty so I moan along him while keeping the movements from before and with my other hand I start massaging his balls “Fuck… you sure k-know-ugh-what you’re… doing” it’s almost impossible for him to talk and almost impossible for me to understand

“Jeez, Louis. I could cum just by looking at y-you… like this.”

He moans loudly due my words so I hit once again his prostate with my fingers “I-I’m gonna… gonna cum” his breath hitches and he doesn’t allow me to say one word when I see him cuming undone on his belly, mouth open, eyes closed, shaking with the release, arms open rested on the white sheets, letting out little gasps might even squealed a bit but he feels so fucking good, I feel so fucking good that I don’t care about anything else but the boy I’ve in front of me.

He keeps on the same position for a bit while I stay, still between his legs, looking at him. I’m hard and didn’t cum yet but I’m desperately trying to find friction on my jeans but he finally opens his eyes and looks back at me, not shyly but thoughtfully, raising up on his elbows “Come here” he says and unaware of my own moves I hold myself on top of his naked and sticky body with my hands pressed against the mattress and next to his head. With his index, he pulls me closer to his lips by the necklace cross I have on my neck and kisses my lips softly. I sure was waiting for this.

I feel him passing his hands along my back, then he puts his hands under my underwear and squeezes my bum and fuck, I might cum, I’m so fragile. “Louis…” I moan still with our lips brushing and he smirks. I feel him ready to take off my jeans, but I stop him with one hand, pulling away his in the gentlest move I can. “Let’s just stop here babe.” I can’t understand his face expression but I hope he doesn’t interpret me in the wrong but I don’t wanna have sex with him not only him would regret but even I would and I know if I’d that to Louis, in this state, he sure wouldn’t forgive me later.

“Oh, okay.” He seems tired “but let me just make something for you.” He says trying to reach my pants again but I gently pull his hands away one more time.

“You don’t need to.” I smile just to make this seem less embarrassed for him, I hope he’s too drunk to realise that he was rejected basically twice.

“But what you did for me-“

“It’s fine, I’m fine.” I kiss his cheek “Did you enjoy it?”

“Yeah, fuck, a lot.” He says and I laugh a little. I think I wouldn’t get use to this Louis, at the end I fell for the other one. The one who is always rejecting me, yelling at me and the list goes on.

“Good then.” I say and at the same moment I feel his hands wrapping on my neck and pulling me to an embrace so… I need to clean my chest too.

“Stay with me.” he burrows his face on my hair and I could just fall asleep now.

“O-Okay.”

“Forever…” I chuckle. I’ve the same thoughts as you Louis… but the difference is that I am sober.

“Okay.” I repeat

“Holding me…” this time he whispers “Like this…” his voice seems to disappear on the walls from our rooms and when I look up to see his face, his eyes are closed, he’s breathing calmly and he looks so peacefully now. I’m with this dumb smile, the smile I have when I look at his face… it’s always the same but it’s because it’s only and special for him.

Carefully I pull his arms away, releasing myself from him and stand up from the bed. I know I have tissues somewhere so I start looking for them till I find it and clean my belly and just then walk back to the bed to clean Louis’. His skin is so soft and I’m not gonna lie and say that I don’t take the advantage, while cleaning him, to touch it because that will probably be the last time. It’s not creepy.

I’m not going to dress him because I’m honestly scared that I can wake him up and then he’s more conscious and kills me, so I put the sheets over him, pull away a small lock of hair that is in front of his forehead and kiss his lips. Because that will probably be the last time I’ll do it too.

~*~

I open my eyes when the poor light that comes from the window from our dorm hits my face. I can’t believe I fell asleep, sat on the floor with my back rested on the side rail. My back aches and I’m kinda cold. Why didn’t I dress a shirt last night?

Last night.

Almost in fear, with my heart beating fast, I turn around hoping to see Louis sleeping there, still with the same calm expression that I remember seeing him last night, still in his most vulnerable state. But what I see is a Louis with eyes wide open in shock, maybe mad or even sad, covering himself with the sheets while sits up and looks back at me.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist:  
> Stubborn Love by The Lumineers

Louis’ POV

“Louis…” The voice to answer him doesn’t come out from my mouth, I don’t dare to speak. I’m too embarrassed and I’ve got a massive headache. I’m not sure about what happened last night… well I don’t know every detail of it but I’m naked on Harry’s bed and I remember… I remember that we kissed and then he was on top of me and… oh god. “Lou…” he uses the same tone to call me again and this time he stands up to sit on the edge of the bed, trying to reach me

“No.” My voice comes firmer than I thought and I step his hand away when he tries to reach my arm. I’m shaking, I’m fucking shaking. What did we do, why is last night blurry in my head and just the worst parts come on my mind? This is a nightmare and I’m going to wake up at any time.

“Louis, please, let’s talk.” He sounds so desperate, he looks like he’s going to cry… and so do I, but he has no reason to it and I do.

“Stop saying my name.” I raise my voice, not daring to move from the sheets “That was all what you wanted, right?”

“What?” I want to punch that fucking confused and hurt face off of him

“Don’t start with shits and stop acting. Did you like it?”

“What are you talking about Louis?” so he wants to play

“You took advantage of me while I was fucking drunk.” this time I shout and I just want to be able to move and run away from here. “I can’t believe you actually did this.” I shake my head and try my best to control my emotions. My eyes hurt, I’m trembling and I feel so cold… why this had to happen to us?

“Can you shut the fuck up and fucking listen to me?” he yells. He dares to yell. I look more widely at him, sometimes he surprises me. He breathes heavily and the look he gives me doesn’t match with his behaviour now. “Can you make an effort and try to remember last night?” his tone is lower but he’s kinda mad.

“Don’t fucking talk to me in that tone, like you’re mad. Who is supposed to be mad here is me.” I shout, I hate him so much right now

“Are you sure about that? What do you think that happened last night?” he gets closer and I still don’t dare to move and this time neither talk. “C’mon Louis, say it.”

I look at him unsure “I–You…“

“I took advantage of you?” His tone is calmer now and I’m thankful of it

“Wasn’t that what happened?” he is trying to twist my mind, confuse me so I don’t have a clear vision from yesterday, I can’t allow him to play with me. “We had sex Harry don’t fucking try to confuse me. I know you were sober, how could you?” I yell in his face and he laughs a little. He gotta be kidding.

While he shakes his head, letting out a sight, he lays down, resting his back on the headboard and doesn’t meet my gaze anymore “We didn’t Louis… Do you really think I would do that to you on the state you were?” He asks and I bite my lip. Maybe. “You wanted to though” He laughs and looks at me. 

“WHAT?”

“Hey, you did and said some weird stuff to me last night… I was impressed. Now hear me out please,” He looks at me with such a tender expression. “I don’t want you to hate me but I’m gonna to tell you the truth, okay?” I raise my eyebrow

“But I know what happened last night,” I sigh too and lay down on the same position as him, with the sheets covering me down my waist “most of all at least.”

“We didn’t have sex.” He says and I shiver

“I know that now.” I wasn’t sure, but I never imagined him telling me that he was going to tell me the truth. I never understood him but I know if he was somebody else he wouldn’t tell me that. Maybe I know him too well but I try to show the otherwise.

“We kissed.” I know. “And I-“ His voice seems far away.

“Don’t say it.” I can’t hear him saying that.

“O-Okay.” He takes a deep breathe

“I still can’t believe you did that.” I’m mad because he was sober, he could choose not doing it, he could have made me go to sleep, insist on me to wake up and act normally. I know he knew that I didn’t want to do none of those things, he should have stopped.

“Don’t try to blame me in all of this.” Stop fucking raising your voice at me.

“How so? I was drunk, you knew what you were going. You could fucking stop Harry.” I yell and sit up again to look at him, although he doesn’t meet my eyes.

“Are you this childish to the point of blaming the alcohol?” when he looks at me, his expression doesn’t show tenderness, doesn’t show any of the things Harry usually shows me. “You fucking kissed me first,” I did? “I wanted to stop but you kept pushing me,” I know he wouldn’t lie and that’s the problem “you wanted to go further but I stopped there after I sucked y–after what happened. Do you think I never thought about how you would react in the morning? That you could possible hate me? But you were so, so…” he’s so irritated that I might be scared that he can do something that will regret. His eyes show so much hate and I don’t like it. “…so into that, you looked so-“ he stops himself and before continuing, passes his hands through his hair. “You know how I feel towards you,” not this again “I tried my best to control myself but you didn’t help too.” He looks away “I’m sorry if I made that tiny chance of you trusting me, disappear.” He did… probably “But…” he sighs and I know he won’t end that sentence

I play with my fingers on my lap, I don’t know what and how to answer. This doesn’t cover up what he did, I’m not going to forget this so quickly but he’s right. It’s not only his fault, is mine too. But what I don’t understand is why did I do that? I know I was drunk but still. Usually when I’m drunk around Harry both change rolls and I play him when he’s around me, with him. But I’ve never kissed him. At least not that both can remember. And now I didn’t only kiss him, I wanted more. I had more, and I just want to remove this memory, this feeling, because I cannot remember everything but the thing I wished I didn’t remember, I do remember. The fact that I know how I felt, I felt so good that wanted more.

“Okay.” I’m so embarrassed “I’m sorry too.” I may not be looking at him but I know he is at me. “You’re right. This is not only your fault, is mine too.” he sighs in relief and when I look at him, with a harsh expression, he’s the complete opposite. “But don’t think I’m going to forgive you.” His expression changes immediately and I’m tired of seeing hurt Harry.

“I know…” You didn’t know. “Just one more thing and I’ll leave you…” I’m seriously uncomfortable of being here naked.

“What?”

“Do you love Bryan?”

Bryan.

I almost forgot about that. I feel the tears of anger forming again on my eyes like it happened yesterday. I remember that and to be honest I preferred to remember my night with Harry than mine with Bryan at the moment.

“Louis?” I look down, seeing the tears streaming down wetting the sheets and turning them into a darker colour. “I’m sorry,” I feel the bed moving and he approaches me and when he notices that I won’t step away and stop him he wraps his arms around me, pushes me to his chest and between his legs, sinks his head on the crook of my neck and strokes my back. “I’m so sorry.” He whispers, I’m not sure why he’s apologizing but I understand. I’m so hurt by everyone… by me. I allowed this to happen, everything.

Harry was right about Bryan. He was playing with me, what Harry told me about him was the truth and at first I didn’t believe him. I should have, Harry just wanted to help me, he warned me but no I had to fall into Bryan’s lie. That he liked me… sure, while that he was doing things with other guys in parties that he would went to.

It’s so unfair for Harry, he told me the truth, he pushed Bryan away from me every time he could and in return I told him so many harsh things, things he didn’t deserve to hear. He didn’t lose my trust. I trust him so much even after last night. Last night it’s a small crumb in the middle of this.

“We kissed…” I sob on his chest and he holds me tightly.

“I know…” his voice is muffled

“I believed him and…” I can’t believe I’m crying like this in front of Harry after all of this. He doesn’t deserve hearing this and I don’t deserve him hearing me out… I don’t deserve anything he gives me, including his love and support. How can he? “I’m so sorry, you were right.”

“I know…” he repeats but his tone of voice is different. He kisses my neck and his hand that was going up and down through my back, goes to the back of my neck to stoke the hair he can reach “I’m here now. I’ll always be… just don’t cry beautiful, he doesn’t deserve it.” His words don’t help me because I feel more tears falling down and I’m far from stopping. His words hit me in a way that it shouldn’t

“Stay with me.”

“O-Okay.”

“Forever…”

“Okay.”

“Holding me…Like this…”

I said him this last night, how can I remember it?

He sure is staying with me, he’s holding me… Maybe I really meant those words, maybe those words were the only real thing from last night. Maybe those were the words I always wanted to say but didn’t have the courage to and I just found the right moment to say them.

I was expecting him to pull away after that but he stays in the same position, with his arms wrapping around my naked torso. I’m so surprised that I don’t pull away neither and doesn’t feel really uncomfortable so we stay like this for some time, I don’t know how much but it seems minutes and minutes. We stay like this till my sobs are no longer heard and his hands his tired of caressing my back.

He rests his hands on my shoulders when we pull away, making me look at him. “Do you wanna talk about it?” I shake my head, not because I don’t wanna talk but because I know he doesn’t really want to hear, it would hurt him

“I’m sorry Harry.” I look away

“Don’t be… Y-You liked-like him. It’s normal.” His tone is soft and actually calms me down

“Just… Why do you hate him so much?” this is confused “I mean… you told me you knew him so well-“

I know he was jealous of him, he knows I know that, but there is another reason “Well… We know each other for a long time, when I was fifteen we… well we kinda got into something, not really dating but I liked him a lot and he told me he liked me too,” minutes ago we were shouting at each other and I was saying to myself that was mad and didn’t want to see him, I’m still naked but here we are. Harry telling me about his past – a thing we two never really shared a lot… more like we never really talked about anything, it was just the present – and I’m here listening carefully. “I cared a lot about him and I was really with this idea that he was the one,” he chuckles and I really want to know what he’s thinking. “I thought he had the same idea but one day, when I went to his house; and I had this idea to tell him everything I felt; I caught him sucking off another dude.” He laughs and I look shocked at him. Well at least he’s okay with this now

“He tried to apologize and all of that shit but then I got to know that it wasn’t the first time he did that and,” I notice how he shivers and considers if he really should continue what he’s about to say “fuck, I gave him everything I could. I trusted him… He was seventeen Louis, I was a child basically. I cried so much that I thought my life was going to end.” He laughs once again and I admire him, somehow I do. “He still does this, he’s a fucking asshole and when I got to know that you were with him… Jeez, I wanted to kill him. I knew he was going to do the same to you and I couldn’t fucking stand it. Just the thought of you kissing him and tell him you liked him makes me sick. You’re so good Louis, you deserve better than that.”

He always talks about me like I am perfect and it kinda bothers me “Harry, you sound like I am perfect…” I roll my eyes

“I know you aren’t Louis and that’s why I love you,” Somehow I enjoy hearing this words coming from him and even knowing my feelings he keeps saying it and he says it as if it’s a normal thing to say to me “But, remember the movie we watched once? The Perks of being a Wallflower?”

This kid has some ideas “Yes…?” what does the movie has to do with this now?

“Well the quote fix you perfectly, we accept the love we think we deserve. But you deserve so much more than you think. You deserve someone who traces the lines from your hands just to feel close to you and someone who believes the ocean is trapped in your eyes. You deserve someone who loves the bones in your body and loves the skin that you live in. Louis you deserve someone who will help you to love yourself…” He smiles and I’m so touched. I hate him so much but I wished I’d loved him. I’m sure he would be that person he describes, I’m sure he’s that person so why is it so impossible for me to love this boy with weird hair, emerald eyes and who wears a goofy smile on a daily basis? He chuckles and I’m sure it’s due my face and what he just said “I’m sorry, I think I’m reading too much books now.” Which is weird because when I first met him he hated reading and since I started recommending him books that reminded me him, he started to love it to the point of following me to the library to do it. This small things would make me fall so easily, why can’t I? It would be easier. He stops chuckling and looks at me better in awe “Look at you, you’re blushing!” his smile when he looks at me is something. Another thing that would make me fall in love with him.

“No I’m not.” My voice sounds so pitched so he laughs

“Yes you are.” He pinches my cheek with his index and thumb

“Well maybe because I’m fucking naked Harry.” I try to play harsh. I’m forgetting something

“Oh.” I think he forgot that “I’m sorry,” he laughs a little, but why does he looks so nervous now? “I-I… better if I go now and let you be, hum, more comfortable.” He shakes his head and stands up from the bed “what am I saying… Hum, go back to sleep if you want to, or just dress yourself,” why is he so red?! “Yeah, do that I am going… erm, out! Bye!” he says quickly while dressing a shirt and goes out of the door and I regret thinking about the previous night because now I am getting my memory back and even if it’s probably 5 degrees outside, suddenly the room seems hotter.

~*~

It’s Monday now. I’m outside my classroom waiting for Harry so we can walk together to the restaurant where we will meet the others. He’s always late, always, but I can’t find the way of starting walking without him or just tell him to meet up in the restaurant like we do with the others so there is no need to do this… I don’t even know who started this and how this turned to be a routine but it makes me feel… safe. It’s stupid I know but Harry makes me feel safe. I think it’s because he’s taller than me…

That makes me laugh, because it’s just stupid. 

I look around just to check if he’s already running in my direction, with his bag on his shoulder but still holding it against his chest and with a grin on his face but I just see random students

Hurry up dickhead, or I’m heading without you.

-Louis

He knows I won’t but it’s a treat that always works out.

When I look up from my phone “Louis, can we talk?” Bryan appears in front of me and his face expression makes me sick. He looks worried and a bit down so I must say, instead of joining the football team he should have joined the drama class because damn he would be good.

“No we can’t Bryan.” I look at the side just not to see his face. My voice is harsh, I was in a good mood and he just screwed it. I don’t want to talk to him, I don’t even wanna hear his explanation because there’s no need of that. When the guy came up next to us and talked to him about how he forgot his things in his room everything started to make sense. He arrived late that night because he was with that guy and that guy was probably the same one Harry saw on the party, because yeah, now I believe that Bryan, instead of coming to our date, went to a stupid party to get laid.

It was so weird and quickly the way the time passed when I looked at Bryan and he seemed not to find the choice of words for that situation, the way the guy looked with guilty after saying that to him, the way he stammered when I started to shout at him, not knowing how to react. I didn’t even know how my mind made such a click just with the appearance of that guy saying those things, but maybe I put two in two and maybe I was in Harry’s side after all.

“But I just need some minutes, please Louis you gave me no time to explain.” His voice is desperate and with rush.

“No. You don’t need to, just fucking leave me alone.” I shout and grab my backpack from the floor to start walking away in a quick step.

“Louis,” he follows me “Louis, hear me out.” His voice changes, like right now he’s really demanding me to stop and hear him. There’s no sweet and concerned tone, it’s cold and maybe even from anger.

While we pass on the corridors the students give us a look but don’t pay much attention since drama always happens here “Don’t follow me.” I shout but I feel a hand grabbing my arm tightly and I’m hastily pulled inside of a room, which for what it seems is the lab. Bryan closes the door behind us and looks at me with irritation written in his eyes.

“Can you stop being a child and listen to me!” I frown who is him to talk to me like this? He has no reasons.

“Hey, don’t fucking talk to me like that!” It looks like I am having a fight with Harry

“I talk the way I want, don’t be such a prat.” Well but Harry would never reply me like this and to be honest I would never say Bryan would talk to me like this either, especially with this tone of voice

“Excuse me?”

He sighs and passes his fingers through his hair, the way Harry usually does… but Harry’s hair is so much brighter, has some curls and is a darker brown “I didn’t want to talk to you like this,” he calms down “I’m sorry Louis, but don’t be mad at me because of what happened!”

I start laughing and applauding wryly “You are such a good actor Bryan, congrats.”

“Louis, please… me and that guy, it was nothing I swear!” just sex and makes out

“Yeah and what about the party you went to?”

“What party?” he looks confused but now I know he’s acting.

“You know too damn well what party!” And what he did to Harry… I find myself mad at Bryan because of that too. Harry doesn’t deserve this kind of things. Sure he now fucks every girl and guy he finds hot in a party when he’s drunk, but he was fifteen by that time and when you love someone at fifteen, cannot be a thing that can last much longer, but I know that for Harry, what he felt was something real and actually devastated him. Bryan played around with him, like he made with me. Harry had no one to warn him, I had.

“There was no-“

“Shut up and stop lying. I hate liars Bryan, I can’t stand people like you!”

His face changes and he looks like someone else. He’s not a cute and sweet boy anymore, his face expression is evil and dark “But you hang around with Harry…”

“Don’t you dare to bring Harry up in this shit. And he is not a liar and if he’s, he is not around me.”

He shakes his head “You don’t know him” he’s really making me hate Harry, but the problem is, he can say whatever the shit he pleases that he won’t make me change my mind towards him. He can be a lot of things. Good and bad, but I know his whole flaws and virtues so there is no new thing he can tell me

“You’re wrong, I know him too well and along it I know you too, but this time I know the real person you are.”

“I bet he filled your head with bullshit.” He can’t fucking say the truth, I can’t believe this

“Stop Bryan, stop and admit what you did.” This time I believe completely in Harry, there is no way I’m gonna doubt his words for a second “You cheated on me-“

“What?” he laughs and it makes me sick “Cheated on you? But were we dating?” he doesn’t stop laughing, he’s literally mocking me and I feel embarrassed, mad and frustrated

“Y-You…” he told me he liked me, but now… that was a lie too

“I told you I liked you, yeah and…? That’s all really funny, mainly because you spent most of your time with Harry and you though I was fucking stupid and didn’t know what you two were doing.” He smirks

“I told you we did nothing.” Why am I even explaining myself to him? I don’t need to, he’s trying to make me feel guilty and as if all of this was my fault.

“How do I know that’s the truth? You don’t believe in my word I won’t believe in yours, right?!” he winks, now I see the person he is. He is fucking mean, Harry was so right, he’s such a horrible person, what he’s making now proves everything. I can’t believe I liked him and wasted time of my life with him.

“Whatever…” I roll my eyes, there’s no point to fight back, I don’t even care about him anymore.

I start walking towards the door, behind him but he stops me grabbing my arm again “Oh I’m not done yet love… why are you running away?”

“But I am done!” I shout, he’s getting on my nerves

He shakes his head “Why are you being so mean Louis…” he smiles and looks at me in the eyes, the smile and brown eyes I fell for are trying to change my mind, but there is no way I am falling for this again

“Get off.” I try to release myself but with no success

“No babe,” with his free hand he pulls my fringe away from my forehead, too gently “I want more of your time.”

“Don’t fucking touch me!” I yell, shaking my head and looking at the wall to pull his hand away from my hair.

“Stop yelling Louis.” Telling me to stop yelling while his tone of voice is louder than mine is from genius. However he pushes me against the wall next to the door, preventing me to escape. “I’m not gonna hurt you, don’t look so scared.” He chuckles. I’m not scared, I’m surprise and just want to go away. Fucking Harry and his thing of being always late for everything. “You’re so beautiful, you should be always smiling” he smiles, but it’s such an evil and fake smile that I want to puke, his words make me wanna puke, how close he is from me and how strong his cologne is make me wanna puke…

“L-Let me go…” I try my best to speak loudly

He caresses my cheek and leans more forward. I can’t move “Why? Would you prefer being Harry… touching you?” his voice is mad, harsh but he keeps with the gentle touches.

“Wh-What’s wrong with you?”

“There is nothing wrong with me.” He punches the wall next to my head and I jump. There is sure something wrong with him, he’s crazy “I’m just pissed. Fucking pissed that Harry can have you and I can’t.” He looks harshly at me. What the hell is he saying?!

“What the-“

“So don’t fucking come with this shit about me being lying to you and cheating or whatever because you lied to me too.” He looks so mad that yes, right now I’m scared.

“I didn’t-“

“Yes you did.” I close my eyes, I feel like he’s going to punch me, he’s talking so harshly and loudly, he looks like he’s about to explode “You said you liked me but that’s a lie.”

“I…” it wasn’t, but what he’s making me right now, is decreasing that feeling

“He has you in his hands and you can’t even notice it!” he shouts.

That’s not true…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter kinda sucks so im sorry


	18. Chapter 18

“He has you in his hands and you can’t even notice it!” he shouts.

That’s not true…

“Enough Bryan.” I’m mad, I don’t wanna see his face, I don’t wanna speak to him ever again, he’s a liar, he likes to use people and then treat them like garbage, he’s everything except what I thought he was. I will even hear Harry from now on, I don’t care, I just want to get the hell out of here because I’m not in the mood to hear Bryan saying more crap.

“You were always on his side,” he chooses to keep ignoring my protests “the way you always defended him, the way you always talked about him, the way you act around him. I’m not fucking stupid Louis so you played with me too. And I can’t stand the fact that it was with that jerk.”

“You shouldn’t be hating on him…”

“Shut up,” he groans in annoyance and grabs me by my forearm tighter “stop fucking defending him.” He shouts “You took all my fun away.” His voice changes and he speaks more calmly “You always drove me crazy Louis,” he has this change of humour… I think this guy has serious problems and I don’t know what the worst feeling here is, the disgust or the anger “I bet he already touched you and, fuck, I wanted that.” His hand goes up and down, brushing on my arm

“Let me go” I yell trying to pull away but it’s useless

“I just needed that and then I would let you go…” fucking hell

By the moment Bryan is ending his words Harry opens the door strongly and steps in “Don’t fucking touch him!” he shouts and I’m looking widely at him.

Bryan fears Harry, I always thought that and now, now I can see it more clearly, by the way he steps away so quickly from me and by the look he’s giving at Harry. I’m so thankful for his appearance now, I usually complain about him being around me all the time and somehow finding me always, but right now there is no point of protest.

“Harry…” I sight in relief and don’t even notice the words coming out from my mouth

He steps closer from Bryan but for my surprise he doesn’t give a step back “If I see you around him one more time you know what I’ll do with you.” Harry’s eyes get darker, he clenches his jaw and his fits by his side and his lips are firmly pressed against each other.

It’s not hard for Bryan to look straight in the eyes at Harry since they’ve almost the same height, but right now it doesn’t seem like that. “Is that treat?” he dares to say

“Yes.” Harry simply answers and in a jiff he’s grabbing my hand and pulling me out of the room. He walks quickly and I have to run to follow his step since he doesn’t drop my hand. When we reach the end of the hallway and turn on the left he gently pushes me against the wall and rests his hands above my shoulders “Are you okay?” His eyes now show the familiar concern. I nod quietly, I’m still shock with all of this. “He didn’t hurt you, did he?” I shake my head this time, not daring to talk “Thank god Louis.” He wraps his arms around me and pulls my head to his chest, so he’s basically resting his chin on top of my head. “He won’t touch you, or speak or even get closer to you ever again. I promise.” He whispers, stroking my hair from my nape.

I take a deep breathe as if I’m finally composing myself and rest my hands on his chest pulling him back, ending the embrace “T-Thanks…” I say and try not to look at him. I feel weird because all this situation was so bizarre. He has you in his hands and you can’t even notice it. And this words sure hit me. It’s not true… but I almost forgot about Friday night and what Harry did-what Harry and I did. I was mad and now we’re acting like nothing have happened. We can’t keep doing this, being this close like we always were, it’s not good neither for me nor Harry; more for Harry since he… he loves me and I might be giving him the wrong idea acting like this around him. And I’m supposed to hate him, he annoys me so much I don’t know how I still keep with this and how, in the first time, I allowed this “Hum… We should g-go-“

“Hey Lou,” he raises my head by my chin, making me look at him “are you sure that everything is all right?” Sure Harry I just think we shouldn’t be this close

I nod “Bryan is sick” I chuckle nervously

“Yeah he is, I told you.”

“Yeah you told me…” I stop laughing

He looks at me as if he knows what I’m thinking “It’s fine you know…” he was right and I didn’t believe him completely that time, I even shouted at him and he says it’s fine…

“It’s not…” I sigh, it’s other thing that it’s bothering me, he didn’t deserve this

“Louis, let’s forget all of this okay? It’s fine now.” He tries to give me a smile when I look at him carefully. “Now c’mon the others are probably tired of waiting for us.” He says and at the same time grabs my hand to walk next to him.

I look at the touch and notice how his mood changed after this. When he was dragging me out of the lab he was with his jaw clenched and his shoulders tensed, he looked like he was going to explode, his eyes dropped fury and now I can see his dimple and I’m sure his eyes are shining. It’s this what I am talking about… I need to stop analysing his face.

I release my hand from his, trying my best not to be harsh, but keep walking and looking forward. He doesn’t stop too but I notice he looks at me surprised but I don’t dare to look back because I know I would overanalyse his face.

~*~

“Arrived late you lads.” Niall says when sees us. It’s the first time I see my three friends since Friday and I feel like it was in ages to be honest

“Sorry, I picked Louis later than the usual…” Harry decides to speak

“So I’m expecting to see a grumpy Louis today, hum?” Liam looks at me with a smirk, joking.

“I’m fine.” I say in the most normal tone I can speak, as if that episode with Bryan and Harry didn’t happen. I sit next Niall so I don’t have to be next to Liam or he would start with a bunch of questions which would involve Harry and Bryan and that would be the worst thing he could do to me at the moment.

“Hum, so Louis…” Niall’s voice is weird and not as happy as he usually sounds. I look at him with a frown “I’m sorry for what I said to you…” he looks down and I raise my eyebrow. With all of this I forgot about my fight with Niall.

“Oh… it’s fine, let’s forget it please.” I don’t need one more rock in my shoe because the other ones are already hurting me like hell

“You sure?”

“Yeah!” I give him a small smile. Either way, it’s hard to stay mad at Niall too much time and we usually just fight because of why he doesn’t have good games and when he cheats in something we’re playing.

“Good then.” He smiles back, but his is much bigger than mine.

The lunch is normal… or maybe not that normal. I know how excited Liam is to talk to me and ask whatever he has to but I know something is shutting him and then there is Harry who is sat in front of me and every time he tries to make any contact with me, like our feet touching I pull away every, so when he gives up he offers me looks that I can’t read the meaning of them but I have an idea… But apart from it, it’s fine yeah…

“Well guys I’m heading back.” I say standing from the chair. I see that they want to stay here for a chat, but I’m tired and have a class in fifteen minutes. I’m glad that after that one there is no more and I can take a rest.

“I go with you.” Harry says, standing up as well and I know what he is doing.

“You don’t need to, I’m not going to the dorm, I have a class now.”

“But I walk with you to the campus” he insists and there is no point of me to fight against it because even if I walk away he’s going to follow me anyway and I can’t stop him. “Bye guys.” Harry waves at them

“We talk later Louis.” Liam says and gives me a forced smile. No we won’t talk later Liam, I’m sorry.

We walk out of the restaurant and I was ready to an uncomfortable silence but I don’t know why. It’s impossible to have that kind of silence around Harry… especially when he doesn’t make silence and starts trolling a song that I don’t have a clue of its name.

“So what are you going to do now?” he asks when we’re middle way

“Hum?” I look at him for the first time since we got out from the restaurant

“About Bryan… You’ve to face him on the football practise and around the campus anyway” He sighs “I don’t know if I’ll be able to be always around you when-“

“Hey Harry, I don’t need you as my body guard now. Do you think I can’t handle this now?” I say maybe too harshly.

“No,” he answers too quickly “is not that Louis.” He shakes his head “Sorry.”

“No, I am sorry.” After all he’s helping me I shouldn’t have talked to him that harsh, I’m just being the same stubborn guy.

“I don’t know if he’s going to give up from this so easily…”

He thinks? “Well he has to! He probably needs help though he’s sick really.” I say too seriously. “But I won’t give up on football because of him.”

“You won’t?” I see that he preferred me to and now he’s concerned

“Of course not, I’ll keep with my routine-“

“Just be careful” he interrupts me “when I’m not with you. But I won’t let him put one finger on you.” He says and doesn’t allow me to protest when he walks to the other side of the campus where he is probably going to have classes.

I think it’ll be hard to keep the distance between me and Harry.

~*~

It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, at least for me I don’t know if can say the same for Harry, but if he noticed how I’ve been acting around him he chose not to say anything for a long time. 

November had passed and we’re now on the last day of classes before Christmas’ break. Oh, the so welcome and waited break.

I tried on maximums to avoid Bryan and I’m not gonna lie and say that I didn’t skip the practise a couple of times because of him. It’s hard to see his face after everything I’ve got to know. I always made my best to be the first one being ready after the games so I’m not left alone with him there and being as far as possible from him on the locker rooms.

He did try to approach me once on the hallways from the classes but Harry appeared on the right time and after that he never allowed Bryan to get closer, as he promised.

I didn’t really stopped talking to Harry though, we promised each other that things wouldn’t get weird between us, but let’s face it, it’s hard after what we did on that night when I was drunk. So I basically pushed his gentle touches. That unnecessary touch of hands, the unnecessary touch of our tights under the table, that unnecessary sleep over on my bed, that unnecessary extra concern, those unnecessary words from him that might make me blush, that unnecessary cuddles when we’re watching a movie and the list goes on. I basically did what I should have done sooner to prevent things like these now. 

He still teases me, it’s his way to annoy me through the week and to be honest I need it. But I might have took things too far at the beginning of December because he noticed the lack of time we used to spend alone together, the lack of our random talks at the middle of the night and when I pull away his arms ready to wrap around my torso I saw the strange and maybe sad looks he started to give me.

And a week ago was the limit point, when at the end of the day, when I was already turning off the light instead of goodnight he said I miss you, it hit me, it hit both and then it was when reality hit me too.

I miss him as well.


	19. Chapter 19

As much I appreciate this two weeks of break from classes, I have to admit that Christmas holidays aren’t the ones I enjoy the most, mostly because I stay alone all that time. Everyone goes home to their families to enjoy the time in their hometown while I stay most of the time in my dorm living in the silence of the campus. Everyone has their rest time and kill the miss of their family and receive that home love and eat that momma food, which tastes so good. Nothing like the warmth of the fireplace while the snow falls outside with the company of all the people you missed. It seems great but I can’t even remember the feeling of it, I can just imagine it.

I can’t remember the day I had a nice conversation with my family, even seen her. I miss them, sure, but it’s not like I feel it’s a thing that I need at the moment. Not that I’m saying I don’t need the support of my family, that I don’t need them by my side. I need my sisters, my mom and even my dad but I got so used to live without them now that this emptiness is so normal and somehow welcome.

Nothing tragic, really, but since I was sixteen I felt trapped in that house with my four sisters and my parents. There wasn’t much affection left for me, I had to do most of the job there because I was the oldest. They always pointed their finger at me, I was never good enough and me and my dad were always fighting and my mom never stood up for me, being on my side, never. I can’t even count with the fingers of my hands how many times my sisters mocked me and said that they hated me. We were never that close, we always had those siblings’ fights, I never enjoyed it and didn’t like to be put down every day so I decided and told them that when I turned eighteen I would disappear and start my life. It saved me the come out conversation that I know I would never be ready to have.

Since my family isn’t exactly poor and I got a good amount of money from the heritage from my grandpa, they paid me my first year of college and told me to take care of myself from that moment on. Last summer I got a part time job and a flat shared with Liam and Zayn so I saved a lot of money and can be sure that we have that small special space for ourselves.

I don’t complain about it and even with all of this I know if I ask for some money or something else I might need, my parents will ponder to help me. But I don’t see myself showing up at these time of the year at their house, I don’t think I would be that welcome either.

So spending Christmas AND my birthday alone on my dorm is always good. Sure Liam asked me yesterday before heading to his hometown to go with him but of course I said no. I don’t even have that confidence with his family and I’m sure he’ll just come back when classes start so he’ll spend The New Year with Zayn and that would be a disaster for me. I tell this with my own experience of more than two months with them in four walls. Thin walls.

I already have all planned, I’ll read all the four books I bought for myself, I’ve a lot of movies to watch saved on my laptop, I can study a little even and on Christmas eve I’ll eat on a nice restaurant and the next morning I’ll go shopping maybe and enjoy the Christmas air.

Ugh, who am I gonna lie, feeling lonely is horrible and I don’t even have that Christmas spirit that I used to have along with my grandpa, now. In three years my life changed so drastically and I can tell that I grew up along it so I think that’s the only positive side of everything.

To make matters worse, Harry is already packing and he’ll probably leave by noon so if my knowledge is right, I’ll spend exactly thirteen days alone in here since I don’t see Harry coming right after Christmas and I’m already impressed by him just living now and not right in the second day of holidays. He loves his hometown and along it, his family. He’s a momma’s boy and I must say that he looks twice happy after coming from home. The hardest thing for him, I know that was leaving his family behind to come to London studying, even if we don’t talk about our past and stuff like that I got to know that.

He knows I’m awake, because he knows I’m observing his movements but he keeps packing in silence, trying his best not to meet my gaze. It has been like this, just speaking the necessary and when he makes me company – because even that he doesn’t leave me alone - he’s still in silence, looking at the floor. He understood my message and what I tried to do, but the result of it wasn’t the one I wanted to. But I think that’s what I get from being a dickhead.

He checks his phone and types something after putting back on the back pocket from his jeans. I hate when he wears tight black jeans, a fucking hooded coat and put on a beanie just showing some locks of hair because he looks fucking good with that and I can’t even say it.

“I’m heading to the train station now,” I’m glad he decides to say goodbye. I would be pissed if he just left without a saying a word “I’ll make sure to call you on your birthday.” His voice is soft but unsure.

“Thanks.” I simply say looking at him from my bed. Even if his head is directed at me I know he’s not really looking at me. It’s my fault that he’s behaving like this.

“When are you going home?” he asks after grabbing his bag from the floor

“I’m not.” I answer with no effort. Almost forgot that he didn’t know about this little detail

“What?”

“I’m not, going home.” I repeat now slower and clearer

He shakes his head, confused. “Wait, you won’t go home this year?” he frowns

“Like the previous one,” I chuckle as if this was funny. It isn’t, his confusion might be, but the situation isn’t. “I’m staying here like the other times.”

“Alone?” is he dumb?

“Of course not,” I notice the little relief as soon as I say this but “I have your teddy bear, as long as you don’t take it with you.” I know he’ll so I’m basically alone. While I laugh he frowns even more

“You’re going to spend your birthday and Christmas, alone, here?” He asks again and I take a deep and loud breathe

“God dammit Harry, yes.” I roll me eyes

“Wait, you always stayed here? Other years too? You never go home on breaks?”

I nod along saying “You’re annoying.”

“B-But why?” He’s so confused and curious that even drops his bags and walks towards my bed to sit on the edge. This is the maximum we talked and probably the closest we got in weeks

I shrug “I just don’t get along with my family.” somehow telling this to Harry isn’t weird and I don’t feel this knock on my throat while saying these words

“W-Why…?” He hesitates and I know he thought twice before asking.

“Nothing tragic,” I put my hands on the back of my head and rest my back on the headboard “we just don’t get along, always fought and I always hated going home after school just to see all their faces… I’m better on my own.” My voice doesn’t sound sad, I’m not sad. I’m actually a happy person, besides the stress but that’s normal.

“Fuck Louis, I didn’t know. I’m sorry.” I knew he would feel bad. I quickly look at him and his eyes show sadness and concern. I fucking knew it

“I’m fine Harry.” I roll my eyes, I know him too well and I know what he’s thinking and feeling right now.

“B-But…”

“Harry…” I warn him “Don’t you have a train to catch?” I make that tone that parents usually to do to their young children so they listen to them. He sighs, giving up and I’m glad for it

“Okay.” He’s about to pass his fingers through his hair when remembers that is wearing a beanie and I contain my laugh. “I’m going then,” he stands up “hum, call me if y-you need something.” He’s hesitating too much while walks towards the door, then he just stops when is about to open it and turns around to look at me. I look away so he doesn’t notice I was looking “I can’t do this.” What? “Leaving you, knowing you’ll be spending this time alone.” He continues due the look I give him

“Harry… I’m not a child, besides I always stayed here alone while you went home.”

“But I didn’t fucking know, if I did, I wouldn’t allow it.”

I sigh, he’s overreacting “Whatever, Harry you-“

“Come with me.”

“What the hell?” I shock on my own saliva.

“You heard it. Get your ass out of the bed, pack your bags and come with me.”

It’s the cold air outside making him having this stupid ideas “Are you nuts? I’m not going anywhere”

He’s mad, not the proper mad, but mad by how I am denying him and being stubborn as always, but he’s being an idiot. How on earth would I go with him to that village that I can’t even remember the name? Spending Christmas with his family… It’s now, he’s giving his lasts, he has gone crazy for good now.

He drops his bags once again and walks quickly towards me “Are you going to make me take you in pyjama to the station?”

“Shut up Harry.” I know he’d have the courage to do it, but I would still not going, my situation could be worse so I don’t need Harry to feel pity and act like this now.

“Louis I am not going without you,” He’s stressing me out and getting on my nerves

“Stop, I’m not going. I don’t even know your family-“

“Great, you’ll meet them now.” He’s already walking to my wardrobe to get my bag and pack my clothes. Is he seriously making me standing up from bed and beat the shit out of him to stop and drag him out of the dorm?

I grab his arm to stop him “I’m not fucking going Harry,” I shout but he seems indifferent “there is nothing you can do to make me go. You’re taking things too far.”

“Fine.” He drops my clothes “I’m staying here.” Shit

“Harry!” he wouldn’t, I know he wouldn’t give up on his family for me. “You’re going, to see your family, you’re waiting for this since the beginning of the year.” He is, really, and he knows I noticed that so he said that because he knows I wouldn’t allow him to stay here.

“But I won’t let you spend this alone.” I want to punch him, seriously.

“It’s Christmas, stop being stupid and go for fuck sakes.”

“Exactly, it’s Christmas Lou.” It feels like ages I don’t hear him calling me Lou “Don’t you see? I’m not going to leave you here alone. Not when I got to know this about you.” I should have stayed quiet. “So get ready while I pack your stuff. We have less than an hour to catch the train.”

“Harry I-“

“Shut up and do it or I’ll sure drag you in pyjama.” He returns his attention to my bag and I stay some seconds looking at him

Why does he need to be like this and doing this? Going to his hometown to spend Christmas with him and his family doesn’t seem something I would imagine me doing. And another important thing, I’ll get to know him better if I go. This is all new to me and I don’t even know if I really want this…

But do I have another choice?

*

Apparently I didn’t.

I can’t believe I’m sat in front of Harry in a train. For moments I thought I couldn’t get the ticket so I was already preparing myself to go back to the campus, but then Harry did everything he could to buy it and didn’t allow me to pay. It’s your birthday present. He smiled. I can’t believe I gave in to it.

The train is just starting to move now and I already want to get out of here. I hope Harry doesn’t stay looking at me like he is now, all the ride. I have to rest my head on the window and look outside so the discomfort disappears. But I don’t think it will because it probably doesn’t exist on the first place.

This is so wrong. I was now getting used to feel like this but it came back again and I still don’t know what this is.

“I’m going to be a bother.” I sigh and I might speak it loudly.

“You won’t.” he answers straight away so I’m obligated to look at him. Why is he with this stupid smile on his face?!

“Harry, did you tell your mother that I’m going?!” I almost shout, remembering

“Oh, not yet.” He seems so relaxed

“Harry!” I’m sure I’ll going to be a bother, his family is going to look at me weirdly and will talk with Harry in private to ask him why the hell he brought the idiot of his friend to ruin their Christmas. Yep, that’s what is going to happen.

“Calm down Lou,” he chuckles, things seem to change with him “I’m going to call her now if it makes you feel better.” He says while taking his phone out of his pocket

“Y-You are so stupid, what if she doesn’t want me there?! Harry-“

I shut myself when I hear “Hello mom?” coming from him. His smile doesn’t drop and I wonder if his cheeks hurt already “Yeah, we’re already on the train” and he says we. I’m actually nervous because I’m scared by how his mother will react. “It’s because of that that I’m calling. So here’s the thing,” oh no “I’m bringing Louis, is that okay?” THAT’S NOT A GOOD WAY TO TELL YOUR MOM THAT STYLES “Yes for Christmas.” He makes a pause, I can’t hear anything from the other line but he blushes. Why? “He was going to spend it alone in the campus, I couldn’t do it…” his smile drops and also my heart “so is it okay?” suddenly his dimple is showing once again “Thanks mom. See you in a bit love you!” he says in the most adorable tone I’ve ever had the privilege to hear. “See is fine.” He grins

“Is it really?” I’m still unsure.

“Yes Louis, now stop worrying about it”

I bite my lip and rest my back on the seat, I was so tense that didn’t even notice that I was curved. “Okay.” I sigh “So what’s the name of your hometown?” I ask

“Holmes Chapel”

“Right.” I need to memorize the name.

When I start to play with my fingers on my lap and looking at the celling of the train, I feel Harry’s hands above mine. I look quickly at him to meet his green eyes and his smile closer from me. “Hey, you don’t need to feel nervous.” He’s right, I don’t even know why I am feeling like this. I think is just the fact that I’m going to spend Christmas with someone… with a family… but it’s not mine and it feels wrong that I’m going to interfere in Harry’s space. “It’s all right Lou.” He offers me a small smile which I’m forced – or not – to answer back in the same way. When he drops his, I drop mine also and then he looks at our hands together and pulls away rapidly. “Sorry.” He goes back to his seat and is his time to look through the window.

I don’t know but this time I didn’t feel the need to hear his apologize.

~*~

The ride seems to last longer than two hours, I spend it reading and once in a while Harry comes out with his not so funny knock knock jokes, trying to make me laugh, but instead, the only person he makes laugh is the kid from the next seat who Harry makes a good connection with right away. The kid’s mother and I stare at them weirdly but I’ve got to admit that sometimes I might giggle due their cuteness. I mean, the kid’s cuteness.

When we get to our destination we have to walk with our bags to the closest bus stop to wait ten minutes in silence for it. It’s still not an uncomfortable silence but I preferred to be talking with Harry instead of this. It was weird the way he pulled back the touch of our hands, I wasn’t expecting it because he’s Harry after all.

We choose a seat in the front part of the bus and I make sure that our elbows are touching. It’s weird because it used to be Harry doing it but I don’t waste time thinking about our behaviour – more like my behaviour.

The weather is particularly cold here and I risk to say that it’s cooler than it is in London. I hope it snows, I love snow and by now in London it should have been snowing but this year it must come later.

The ride just lasts fifteen minutes this time so Harry hands me my bag, which is on the compartment on top of the seat. I hate when he likes to think that I am a kid beside him because he’s much taller than me. He understands the look I give him so he chuckles. At least half of the tension disappears.

“We just need to walk down the street, my house is at the end of the road.” He says when we get out of the bus. I see a lot of similar rustic batches of houses with small green gardens in front of it. The paths are all made of small rocks and it’s particularly pretty to see due the naked trees and grey sky. It really reminds me the winter and I try to imagine this covered with snow. “It’s freezing.” He comments when we start walking, I want to believe that he’s just trying to have some topic to talk about so we don’t stay in silence. Somehow I’m happy for it.

“Yeah, I hope it snows soon.” Harry doesn’t reply so I look at the side to meet his gaze. Is he staring at me? My question is answered when he looks away with his flushed cheeks. I give with myself smiling and I don’t even know why “Look you’re blushing…” I tease

“Shut up Louis.” He tries to play harsh but he knows I’m better on that game. “It’s the cold you know.” I laugh maybe too loudly.

“Sure Harry, sure it is.” I shake my head and he punches my forearm friendly.

“Where are you going?” he stops and says in a joke tone while I keep walking

“Oh, is this your house?” He nods and shakes his head so I can follow him through the path.

It looks similar with the others on the neighbourhood but I pay more attention to the details of this one. It is covered by Christmas lights, even in the trees outside and there is a car in front of the garage and the garden is much more careful and worked.

My anxiety gets worst when Harry rings the bell and I start hearing steps from the inside. And sure Harry has to notice my change of mood “Don’t be nervous.” He laughs

I gulp “I-I’m not…” but the way he chuckles again shaking his head, shows me that he doesn’t believe it.

As soon as I can tell the door is open so I’m faced now with a middle aged woman. She wears a big smile on his face, and I know right away that she’s Harry’s mom, she reminds me of him by the way she smiles and I make my best to admire her light eyes and how they’re shining looking at her son.

She doesn’t say a word and doesn’t allow Harry to either, when she jumps to his arms and hugs him around his neck “Finally you got home save.” she rubs his back in circles and she’s still smiling with her head rested on his shoulder – she’s much shorter than me so she has to make a bigger effort. 

It’s good to see this moment and maybe it’s in these times that I feel like having a family present in my life would be really comforting. But it’s still awkward for me, watching this moment that should be shared between the two of them and I’m here, feeling out and not knowing what to do.

“M-Mom… can’t… breathe” his voice his muffled and he half laughs. Her mom pulls back still smiling bright. She pecks his cheek and Harry gives her one of his genuine smiles. “Mom, this is Louis!” he says now looking better at me and giving me a look that I might know what he means from it.

The beautiful woman looks at me with eyes wide open and I don’t know if it’s my imagination but she seems to look happy to see me. “I finally meet you,” she says opening his arms and coming towards me. I froze in shock by her warm embrace and her choice of words. “I’m Anne!” she says when pulls back and I finally give her a smile so she doesn’t think I’m impolite “Harry, he’s such a gorgeous boy!” She says looking back at Harry and the face she makes and makes his son give her is actually funny, so due the moment I laugh while feeling my cheeks flushing.

“Mom…” The embarrassment is written in his voice.

“I’m sorry,” she chuckles and winks at me. Well now I know where Harry personality comes from. “let’s go the inside, shall we?!”

“Sure.” I speak for the first time and the way Harry’s mother smiles at me makes all the discomfort disappear in seconds.

The house is warm and cosy. The wall from the hall is filled with pictures and I swear that I just saw Harry as a baby now. She makes us drop the bags beside the stairs which will probably go upstairs to the rooms and then to follow her to the living room. There is an average TV in front of two large sofas, the Christmas tree is right next to the window that goes to the balcony. The room is well decorated, with two paints in the walls and one of the walls is made of wood. I’m sure this woman takes with good care her house.

I was so focused on the details of this room and how many memories Harry must have from his childhood here that I don’t notice a man coming in our direction from the sofa.

“Look who’s here!” The man says and gives Harry a quick hug, which Harry returns. “Had a good trip?” He asks

“It was good. Nice to see you Robin.” Harry answers and by the way he talks to the man known as Robin, makes me confused if he’s his father or not.

“And you my boy, welcome.” He gives me a small smile and stretches his hand so I can shake it.

“Thank you, nice to meet you, I’m Louis.” This starts to be awkward again, damn Harry why did you make me come.

At least this people seem to be nice and friendly, and not as strange as I was thinking they would be due how Harry is. He’s so extroverted and they seem to be so calm-

“HARRY!!” I hear a shout and I just have time to give a step back before I see a girl jumping into Harry’s arms and they almost fall into the ground. Harry immediately tries to keep his balance and wraps his arms around her waist to support themselves. His face is from pure joy and if it wasn’t for this weird thing I am feeling on my belly I could stay looking at the moment forever. “You dickhead I missed you” the girl says when jumps off from his arms and taps his head, ruffling his hair.

“Missed you too.” He grins and punches her arm friendly.

The girl turns around to face me and I stop the frown I was making to look better at her face. She’s gorgeous, her hair is a mixture of blue and pink and I must say it’s the first time I find it attractive in a girl and can tell wow she looks good. She’s shorter than Harry but probably taller than his mother and her features reminds me too much Harry so I ask myself who she is.

“You must be Louis.” Even her voice and accent reminds me Harry “I’m Gemma,” she walks towards me and stretches her hand to shake mine. Well okay… When I’m about to shake it, she pulls me to her chest and hugs me strongly.

I take back my previous words this girl can only be- “She’s my sister” Harry answers my thoughts, laughing

“My pleasure…” I try to talk but my voice comes out weirdly and she laughs due it

“You have some fluffy hair hum” she says making me the same she did with Harry’s hair previously

“Gemma…” Harry groans and I’m sure it’s from annoyance

“Getting a bit jealous over there Harry?” She teases, winking at me.

I want to laugh but this is so weird.

~*~

This is definitely weird.

But not a bad weird or an uncomfortable situation that makes me want to go away and regret coming with Harry. I’m here only for seven hours and I already feel welcome. This people are definitely Harry’s family and he’s so happy around them that makes me stop a little and sit to just admire his expression from pure happiness. I notice how close he’s from his sister, how well they get along and are always playing around and how much he loves his mother, wants the best for her and since he got here he just wants to help her in everything he can. His relationship with Robin is way to different, but I’m sure he’s together with Anne – she makes me call her from her first name and with no Mrs or I am a dead body – it’s something that I’m still not sure.

But as I was predicting I got to know some new things about Harry, little and maybe insignificant things but for me makes all the different and it was like I was waiting all day to know it. As such how he always walked around in the house with a small purple and green blanket till he was ten, how he cried and questioned himself why animals are not able to talk to us and how unfair that was, how he could never throw anything in the garbage so his room was always a mess, how he enjoyed being barefoot so he would cut himself a lot of times and how he loved to take small walks with his sister through the neighbourhood in the summer. It’s stupid and useless but it’s something I never expected to enjoy to know this much.

“Well guys, I’m going too,” Anne says standing up from the sofa after Robin walking upstairs. We stayed in the living room after dinner, watching some reality show while Gemma went out with some old friends, apparently. To be honest the show is rubbish and boring but I feel good in the smallest sofa next to Harry, with a blanket covering both our legs and I’m just hearing the small storm outside and once in a while his and his mother’s laugher. “Well Louis, I assume you’ll sleep with Harry in his room, right?” What

I find myself having trouble with the words to give her an answer. “I’m sure Louis prefers to sleep in another room mom.” Harry speaks in my turn “He’s tired of hearing me snoring this last months, right?” he looks at me and I’m sure he knew what I was thinking and feeling. I still think things are a bit…different between us, so my behaviour really affected him and made him get the message. I’m not sure if I’m that happy with it.

“R-Right…” I stammer looking back at him. I shake my head and look at Anne again “I mean… if it’s not a bother, I-I do not want to be a drawback here.”

“Oh sweetheart, you’re not. You’re being a great guest so far,” she smiles making me believe it “I’m going to prepare the guest’s room, you can make yourself comfortable then.”

“You sure it’s okay?”

“I’m sure” She says and wishes us the goodnights heading upstairs.

“Are you tired?” Harry asks. The room is only illuminated by the TV and when it hits his face makes me see him more carefully, wanting to see his features with all his details over again. What am I saying?

“I’m fine. Are you?” It’s eleven by now if it was in school’s time I would be tired by now but the first days of holiday made me relax and sleep.

“Hum, yeah.” He offers me a small smile and looks back at the TV screen and I’m sure he’s not paying attention at what is really going on there.

“So, hum…” why this change of humour? Is it because we’re alone now? It’s an absurd, we’ve been alone so many times before… even if in the last month it has been like this… not normal and unfamiliar. “This programme sucks.”

“I agree.” He chuckles a little “Wanna watch a movie?”

“Okay.” He stands up and the warmth I was receiving from him is replaced by the cold from the lack of it.

He opens a door from the TV cabinet where he probably has some DVD’S “I would go for the classics Christmas’ movies with my personal favourites Home Alone or The Grinch-”

“Absolutely not” I laugh and he joins

“As I predicted, so how about we go with a horror movie?”

“Fine!”

“Evil Dead?”

“Bring it on.” I smirk and he nods, taking the dvd and playing it.

Quickly he walks towards the sofa again next to me and I find funny the way he covers us so urgently “Okay…” He’s scared, he always hated horror movies

“How do you even have this in DVD?”

“Robin loves this movies and buys them all, he has kind of a collection in there” He points to the place where he took the movie

I find weird the way he says Robin. Not saying that he should call him father but he doesn’t treat him like one as well for sure and I know Harry would love to, I see it. “Robin…?”

He looks at me weirdly “Yeah, Robin…”

“Right…” what am I thinking “Let’s watch then, just don’t pee yourself, please. I’m too close.” I joke and he laughs, which is good.

~*~

By the end of the film Harry is shocked looking at the TV, grabbing tightly the blanket and almost on top of me. We ended up cuddling, he tried it twice but always pulled away any kind of touch but at the third time, when he was about to pull away again I allowed him so he has his head upon my chest and our legs are tangled under the blanket. I feel like I’m going to fall from the sofa but I don’t really care.

“Okay… That was a special movie…” he says, whispering

I love horror movies and love the adrenaline they give me, but sometimes they actually catch me by surprise, especially when I’m in an unfamiliar place in the dark and with a fucking storm outside. Of course “Yeah it was… cool.”

“Yeah…” he turns off the TV, ending with the creepy song and is fast getting up from the sofa and turning on the light. This is so him. “Don’t joke, you’re scared too.”

I laugh “I’m not.” I’m not… just a little.

“Sure Louis.” He rolls his eyes “Better go to bed then?”

“Yeah,” I yawn “I’m sleepy.”

“Follow me then” he says and I walk beside him. We grab our bags that were still at the end of the stairs and climb the stairs. I’m so sleepy that I’m sure I’m going to be lazy to organize my stuff and take a bath, so I think if I wear something clean and take care of that tomorrow morning will be fine.

When we reach upstairs, Harry stops in the middle of the wall “So that’s the bathroom if you want to go there” he points to the door at the end of the corridor. “That’s the bedroom you’re going to sleep now” he points to the door in the right “and this is my room if you need something.” This time he points to the door in front of the guests’ room. “I’m sure you’re going to be fine. I’m going to sleep” his eyes are already semi open which is amused to see

“Okay, thanks.” I reply and he nods walking to his room. With all of this I still don’t know how his room looks like, baby and teenager Harry lived there for years. I wanted to see it and know a little better those times, but the curiosity is taken away when a small shiver caused by the movie we just watched interrupts it.

I decide to brush my teeth and wash my face after dressing my pyjama and heading back to the room. Is nice and I couldn’t ask for better, the bed is large and even if it’s for guests, it’s still lovely decorated. Although the sheets are cold and the mattress and pillow are unfamiliar. I find the room too empty but close my eyes trying to find a way to get back the sleep.

I was sleepy just minutes ago how can I feel like I just drank two mugs of strong coffee?! For not talking about how I’m curling up in a ball and with the sheets almost covering my head to protect myself from the dark and mystic creatures. Jesus Christ Louis you’re turning twenty, you’re not seven. But I don’t feel okay in this bed, it’s so cold and the rain outside is not relaxing me, much the otherwise. Something is missing so I don’t feel surprised when I’m standing up and walking out of the door to open the one which is in front of the room I’m staying.


	20. Chapter 20

I don’t dare to turn on any light so when I open the door from Harry’s room it’s all dark and I seriously am considering turning around and walk back to the other room since I don’t have a clue where his bed is located, but instead of that I come in and shut the door, making the situation worst. “Louis?” I hear Harry, his voice sounds normal and not like he usually sounds when is sleepy and about to falling sleep. I keep myself on the same place, scared that might gonna hurt myself by hitting my foot somewhere but then he turns the light from his nightstand on after that. “What are you doing here?” he sits up and looks at me with a frown.

I look away and give with myself capturing all the details from his room. It’s the weirdest thing ever and I can’t even understand how and why I am doing it. Somehow I feel like this room is perfect for him. The walls are all white but filled with posters and paints from cities and places all around the world. His bed is small – but still larger than ours from the dorms – and the wall above it has a lot of photographs from places that he probably has been; from his family, himself, friends and just random things like cats and ice creams. I’m assuming that he took all of them. There is a big carpet in the middle of the room, a desk against the wall and a small wardrobe.

“Lou?” he calls my name again, pulling my thoughts away

I walk towards his bed and sit on the edge. The lights from the nightstand gives to the room a nice and comfy ambient and next to the lamp he has a candle which smells like cinnamon and apple. “Couldn’t sleep.” I finally speak

“Hum…” he doesn’t take his eyes off me but I keep looking at the sheets and counting the stripes. “You’re scared after watching that movie then” he mocks me and I play offended, looking back at him

“No I’m not!” I say firmly

“You are” he laughs a little. “So do you wanna sleep here?” Shit, do I? Well, I came here for what then? I don’t know… what the fuck am I doing here?!

“N-No I…“ I stop myself looking at him. “Y-Yes…” I can’t believe this is the truth.

“Okay, come here.” He steps the sheets away from the side and opens his arms for me. Shit he’s shirtless, how can he? It’s fucking 2 degrees outside.

I lay down next to him and since I don’t do it myself, he pulls me closer to him so I’m almost with half of my body laid down on his chest. He’s not as warm as he uses to be and that’s a tragedy. “I couldn’t sleep too.” He admits

“Not used to this bed now, hum?”

He laughs, sure it’s a little stupid. How can we get used to those uncomfortable and small beds? At least in this one his feet don’t touch the footboard. “I wasn’t feeling your presence.”

“Oh.” I was expecting myself to say nothing. “I see.”

“Sorry.” Dammit. He’s tense now and this is so unusual from him. He finally started behaving like I wanted him to. Wanted. After this I got to know that slowly I was getting used to him flirting with me, his cute and unnecessary smiles and looks, his hugs and cuddles… all of the things I wanted him to stop but I don’t want it now. I don’t know why. I really don’t, because usually, when someone thinks like this is because they have feelings for the other person, which is not the case. I’m sure I don’t feel the same Harry feels towards me. Besides I still have feelings for Bryan, even after everything I still can’t let him go out from my mind. But I admit, it had changed now and I’m thankful for it.

I don’t know what I feel for Harry. It’s different, it’s something different from all the things I’ve ever felt. It’s different from what I felt for Bryan and is different from what I felt for him months ago. Maybe is just adoration, affection or just the need to have him next to me because I finally realised that I don’t want to lose him, our friendship. I don’t think this is healthy but I feel good now and I don’t know if I want to keep this happiness just to myself. “Don’t be.”

“What?” he looks confused, sure not expecting this

“Don’t be sorry Harry.” I say softly, looking at the ceiling and noticing that he has some stickers in a shape of starts that shine in the dark, stuck there. How cute. “I was so used to sleep with you in the same room that found hard to fall asleep too.” I admit and that’s the truth too. It’s only been four months, we shouldn’t be like this

“Really?” he’s really surprised and so do I

“Yeah…” I look at him and he’s smirking “But don’t start being cocky.”

“I am never cocky Louis. It’s you who are” he laughs and I shrug. He’s right

“I think I shouldn’t have tried to push you away like I tried.”

“Hey, you’re here now.” He meets my gaze and the smile he gives me makes me feel weird “It’s fine. I think I understand your side.”

“You do?” he doesn’t

“Yeah! I mean, what I said to you, what we did-“

“Okay,” maybe I speak too loud, making him laugh a little. I just don’t want to remember that, it was almost forgotten but he had to remind me. “What’s the thing with the stickers in the ceiling?” I ask, changing the subject drastically.

His body is getting warmer and it pleases me the way he puts me closer to him by his arm around my shoulders “Oh, when I was eleven my father and I went to a fair and there was a guy selling packs of stickers like these ones. There was tones of shapes but I choose the stars because we usually would stay up all night looking at the sky, watching the stars when I was much younger and I loved the feeling. So I decided to place them here so when I was about to sleep I could always look at them and think about those times with him. I know it’s lame and-“

“No,” I interrupt him, I love the way he told me this, the happiness and softness in his voice made me pay even more attention at what he was saying “It’s cute.” I smile at him and he does the same “So your dad… isn’t Robin.” I hope I don’t screw the good humour now

“No…” his voice doesn’t show sadness but it’s obviously not the same as previously “Robin is my mom’s boyfriend. My parents got divorced when I was thirteen.”

“Oh.” I don’t know what it is sadder, your parents getting divorced or being in the same situation as I am. Sure if they get divorced you’re still being able to talk with them and they show their concern towards you. But things change and can get pretty rough, I know it. But Harry is all right now and he’s perfectly fine with his mother so I think in his case it is better like this. “I’m sorry…”

“Me too.” He sighs.

“But don’t you like Robin? I mean he cannot be your dad but he seems great. And you still see him, right?”

He shakes his head for my surprise. I didn’t take my eyes off from him since he started telling me about the stars “I don’t talk to my father anymore, not after what he did to my mom…” he makes a pause and I don’t dare to ask a thing. “He cheated on her, he hurt her for real. I admired him but I can’t look at his face after all of that. It was a tough year and I couldn’t believe what was happening. After all I was thirteen, if it wasn’t my sister who was sixteen by that time I don’t know if I could handle that upheaval in my life…” so Harry’s life was not just rainbows as I though “When my mother got a new boyfriend, Robin, two years after that I supported her, of course… But I’m just scared that he might do the same my father did with her.”

“D-Do you think he’s capable to do it?”

He takes some seconds to reply “N-No.”

“Are you happy now?”

He looks at me carefully as if he was rehearing my question in his mind. “Yes.” He answers firmly, making me believing it.

“Then relax and enjoy the family you have now,” I make sure to smile “because let me tell you Harry, you have a real family here.”

He pushes me closer to his chest, so he’s hugging me, at least trying to since we’re laid down on bed. It’s comforting and I feel the urge to wrap my arms around his torso to answer back at the embrace “I’m sorry Lou.” He says and I decide not to answer “You have me…” he pulls back and makes me keep looking at him “…and the others. They care a lot about you. I care a lot about you. We’re your family, okay?”

His words make me happy and safe and I just wrap my arms around him again hoping that he understands it’s my way to say thank you.

~*~

It takes me some time to remember where I am so at first I think I’m still on the campus. But the bed is different, the pillow is different and the comfort is different. I usually wake up with the light from outside hitting my face, since we don’t have blinds in the window from our dorm but this time the room is dark but I’m sure it’s already in the morning, if not afternoon. I remember that was around 5am when I finally decided to shut my eyes to sleep and Harry keept the silence. I don’t know how but we ended up talking about everything and nothing. But especially in nothing. I told him the whole story about my family and I and one thing took to another and we got to know my whole past, like I got to know about his. He was a weird kid, but a happy one at least. I can’t believe half of the stories he told me but I’m sure it was the truth and he just wanted to make me laugh, and he had success.

I felt really well telling him all of this, and I kinda needed. Harry is a good listener but not so good at telling stories but oh well.

I move from my current position, rolling to the other side. I’m so comfortable, I don’t really want to get up, I just want to go back to sleep… “Louis!” Harry half shouts. Right, Harry.

“What?” I mumble

“Get off of me.” sure I notice that I’m basically on top of him but to be honest I don’t care, and it’s kind of a revenge

“You don’t like it, hum…” I tease, when it’s him on top of me, not allowing me to breathe, it’s all okay, of course.

“It’s not that, ugh, I don’t like it, it’s just that…” he moans and even if it’s dark I open my eyes widely and jump to the other side again

“I was joking” He laughs hysterically and I can’t believe I just fell for this one. At least, he’s back to normal.

“Jesus Harry,” he turns the light from the nightstand on so I can see him. I hate him, he just woke up and looks perfectly fine, even with his hair all messy, he looks fucking hot. Fuck, no he doesn’t look hot. But when he yawns and rubs his eyes, he looks freaking cute for sure. “I wanna stay in bed.” I say when I see that he’s about to get up. It’s so cosy in here and I don’t hear a sound from downstairs and Harry’s mother didn’t call us yet so it’s perfectly fine, right?

“Okay, you can stay.” He offers me a small smile but I don’t think he got my idea when grabs the shirt from the end of the bed to dress it up.

I crawl beside him and stop his movement to dress it. He looks at me confusedly but at the same time surprised. This bed without him is not the same “Stay.” His lips curve forming a smile instantly and he drops the shirt again to the side. Wait, what is wrong with me? This is not something I usually would say or should do. Oh god, this is wrong. When I’m about to tell him to forget this episode, I feel his hand caressing my cheek. His eyes are on mine and I freeze feeling his soft touch on my flushed face “W-What is it? Why’re you touching me?” Louis, you couldn’t be more stupid

“No reason,” oh, his throaty morning voice… “I just want to.”

Harry is cute, if he still loves me, he should try to forget me, he should want to forget me. He deserves someone who can love him unconditionally, someone who would be his best friend and would never break his heart. Someone who would always make him smile. He deserves someone who’d hold his hand without fear, who’d try to be as much romantic as he is, someone who would do everything to hear his laugh.

He wants someone who would take silly pictures with him, someone who would lay on a blanket with him to count the stars, someone who he could share his lollipop with. He likes when people touch his hair so he deserves someone who wouldn’t mind to do it till he’d fall asleep. He also would like someone to bet him kisses so then he would lose on purpose and be all goofy receiving them.

That someone can’t be me but Harry deserves that someone, I want him to find that someone. But if I keep with this, he won’t find it. He’ll be trapped in this idea that he loves me and I’ll be always hurting him due the fact that I can’t give him what he wants. But I once tried to stop with this and now I am in his hometown, in his bed, telling him to stay with me.

He pulled his hand away with a smile and laid back on bed, with his forearm above his eyes, leaving me in the same position. “So aren’t you going back to sleep?” he makes his best to look at me and raises his eyebrow

“Oh, erm, I-I am just going to the bathroom…” I say and out of sudden stand up from the bed and when he says an okay I leave the room.

I walk through the wall to the bathroom and then wash my face. I need to clean my mind, this is all so weird but it’s not uncomfortable and I’m enjoying being here with Harry like this and I think it’s that what is making me crazy. I’m losing my mind for real.

I take a deep breath and walk out of the bathroom to Harry’s room again. The house is in silence and there’s no sight of someone here. I notice that the other rooms are with the doors open and the light from outside illuminates the area. “Harry, does your mom went out?” I ask right in the moment I come in. The room is too dark and hot now that I came from the hall.

“Hum, I don’t know.” He simply answers not even looking at me. Was he thinking like I was? I hope he was, maybe he chooses to forget me.

I grab his phone from the nightstand to check the hours. It’s already half past noon, we slept so much. “It’s almost 1pm.”

He sighs deeply and loudly “let’s get up then.” He says maybe a little harshly and opens the blinds from the big window so I can see straight now. The sky is so grey but it illuminates the room well enough for me to be able to see with detail the muscle from Harry’s back and his large shoulders, even his hair looks better with the light. He opens the window and it’s when I realise that it’s actually a door that goes to a balcony.

“It’s fucking freezing!” I wrap my arms around myself. I don’t know how he doesn’t feel cold shirtless, with the fresh air coming through the opened window.

He stays paralyzed looking outside and doesn’t even turn around “I just need some fresh air.” Why is he talking with me like this? So cold.

“What’s up with this change of humour?” I ask rolling my eyes, even knowing he can’t see.

“What?” he frowns looking at me behind his shoulders.

I sigh “Nothing. I’m going to change.” I say then and turn my back walking to the guest’s room.

It should have been me packing my own stuff, Harry didn’t put any warm sweater or hoodie, so I decide to wear a shirt on top of another and keep my pyjama pants since I always loved them for being so warm. I make the bed which I didn’t even use the previous night and shortly after I hear a knock on the door.

“Yeah?”

The door is open and Harry appears behind it already dressed “My mom went to the grocery with Robin and Gemma, they’re probably coming by now.” He informs me, looking at the floor but his voice isn’t as harsh as it was before. “Do you help me set the table?”

“Sure.” I say, not giving much importance to his change of mood previously, and following him downstairs.

The only conversation we have is me asking him where the things are and the contact between me and him is when he hands me the things to set the table.

In the kitchen there is an island in the middle and the whole furniture is pretty modern, at the left there’s another compartment, with two stairs and it’s where the table is. I sure love this house and how it was built, I can imagine little Harry running to his mother after playing on the small garden outside.

I’m having such weird thoughts since I walked into that train…

We hear the door and Anne walks in with some bags, followed with her boyfriend and Harry’s sister.

“Hello boys” she gives us a warm smile and I’m glad that Harry cheers up right in the moment he sees his mother and when his sister comes to put her arm around his shoulder to play around with him. I wished me and my sister’s would get as well as them.

“I thought we’d come and still find you two in bed.” Gemma says laughing a little. Now that she’s side by side to Harry I notice how similar they are.

“Oh you set on the table, thank you.” Anne says with her usual smile while Robin saves the grocery in their proper place. I give her a smile as an answer and I try not to pay much attention to Harry and his sister, since they’re having a conversation that just the two of them seem to know and understand “Well I took advantage when I went out to buy the ingredients to make some Christmas biscuits and I’m counting with your help.”

“I’d be really happy to help!” I politely say

“Good then! Harry?”

“Oh yeah okay.” He says and gives one last look at his sister.

~*~

After we finished lunch and cleaning up the kitchen, Anne, Harry and I got ready to start making the cookies. For what it seems Gemma, unlike her brother, hates cooking so while she’s on his laptop, Robin is watching TV.

Harry is still acting weird with me and to be honest, this time I have no clue why he started acting like this and I find this bothering me a lot. If it wasn’t his mother I’d be helping without saying a word. But she keeps asking me question, such as what I am studying now, how my grades were, where I came from etc, etc…

“And is Harry a good roommate?”

Harry coughs and I laugh a little “Hum, yeah… Better than I am probably!” and that’s true “He even did me the laundry once” I say reminding that time when he took care of me while I was ill. I look at Harry but he’s too entertained with the chocolate pints now.

“So he takes good care of you, then?” she innocently remarks. I notice how Harry stops what he’s doing and opens his eyes widely but still doesn’t say a thing.

I find myself rumbling and not knowing what and how to answer this. Not that I don’t know the answer. Harry sure takes good care of me, sometimes exaggerates even “Mom…” I hear Harry’s voice and the way he calls her, is almost like a warning and she seems to know what she has done wrong

“Right” she chuckles “So Louis, Harry didn’t tell me why you didn’t spend Christmas with your family…” I sure didn’t expect this question and wasn’t even ready to answer it straight away

Looks like Harry has woken up from his world and finally raises his head “Mom, I think there are certain things you shouldn’t talk about.” I look in surprise at him

“It’s fine.” I simply say

“No it’s not.” Harry snaps, and he sure looks bothered with this… I don’t understand him

“I’m sorry, did I say something I shouldn’t?” poor Anne, she’s clearly not getting this

“Hum, no it’s not your fault” I try to relax the shock and concern from the woman in front of me “I just don’t talk with my family, w-we don’t get along basically.” I tell her and try to make myself occupied with the pasta from the cookies

“Oh Louis, I’m so sorry!”

“You didn’t know” Right in the moment I say it I feel her arms wrapping around me, taking me by surprise. Harry looks at the scene carefully. It’s a quick hug but with a lot of meaning for me, to be fair.

“It must be hard for you…” she gives me the same look Harry gave me the two times I talked about this with him

“I’m used to it by now…”

“Well, every time you need something remember that you’ve a place here” she smiles then and her smile is as enjoyable to see as Harry’s, even if his has a different meaning.

“Oh, that’s so sweet of you.” It takes me by surprise, but it makes me really happy to hear it. She just met me yesterday but is treating me like her son, really, since the first moment I came in from the front door and that’s great. It’s great to be sure I am not being a bother like I was thinking I’d be.

“Don’t forget that dear” she squeezes my back and doesn’t stop smiling

“I won’t.” I smile back and we get back to what we were doing, still with Harry not saying a word and each second it passes, it annoys me more. Why is he acting like this? It’s frustrating. He should be happy, not because I’m here, but because he’s with his family and is at home. While Anne looks at some recipes, to make one more type of cookies, I take the chance to walk besides Harry who is on the opposite side of the kitchen waiting for his mother to say something “Can you stop doing this?” I whisper to him

He slowly meets my gaze and his expression is not as cold as it was this morning, but it’s still not his expression “Doing what?”

“Don’t star with this,” I make my best not to raise my voice “you know too damn well what. Are you mad?”

“No I’m not.”

“So talk with me.” I don’t sound mad but yes upset and my voice comes out as if I was sad. Not normal.

He looks carefully but then a smirk appears on his lips “Okay,” he gets closer to me but I don’t step back, I look at his green eyes instead “so how are you Louis?” He jokes making me laugh a little

“You’re an idiot.” I shake my head and he rests his hand on the counter to support himself, while gets even closer to me and grabs me by my chin, making me looking at him properly.

“I’m really happy that you’re here,” then show it, I find the urge to say but decide against it. “with me.” he smiles, finally a proper smile. He lets go my chin and I notice how he starts avoiding my gaze when “This kind of things, mightn’t mean anything to you… But it does to me.” I look widely at him. Fuck.

When I’m about to open my mouth, trying to say something “Look boys.” I hear Anne and when I look at her, she’s watching outside the window and I follow her eyes.

“It’s snowing.” I say in pure happiness looking outside. I honestly look like a little kid, but it’s the same every year. I love snow, for real. I love how soft but cold is, how the sky looks like, how the streets start to be covered in a white blanket, the sound of our boots when we walk… and it gives hopes to my Christmas spirit.

I look in awe through the window, literally forgetting with who and where I am. “Louis loves snow.” I hear Harry telling his mother laughing a bit, making me look away from the window.

“Erm, I just, l-like it…” I try to hide my enthusiasm due the embarrassment

Harry shakes his head “He loves it” he corrects and Anne laughs, covering her mouth with her hand.

“Well, how about you take Louis for a walk while I finish this.” She says pointing to the oven where the cookies are being baked.

“All right!” Harry answers at the same time I say “It’s all right.” And we look at each other

“You can’t do all of this by yourself, and I promised to help though” I say then. I was enjoying the time here in the kitchen even if Harry was behaving weirdly. Besides the snow can wait, I know it won’t stop falling so soon.

“It’s fine Louis, I can take care of this.” She smiles

“I don’t-“

“She’s a mom Louis,” Harry interrupts me “she can do everything on her own.” He jokes and I give up on keeping my laugh quiet when Anne laughs a little too.

“That’s not really nice.” Anne plays mad but she’s just like her soon… “Well go on now!”

“Thanks mom,” Harry kisses her cheek and she winks at him, giving him a look.

“You sure it’s fine?” I ask again

“Louis!” Harry calls from me, probably because heard me from the hall already

“It’s fine honey,” she laughs “Have fun!”

“Thanks Anne!” I offer her a smile, and it feels good to talk to her as if I know her for a long time.

Harry is waiting for me on top of the stairs “We need to dress something warmer.” He says when I start walking at his encounter

“Yeah, if a certain someone put on my bag some warm clothes when packed I would have something to wear.” I roll my eyes

He grabs my hand and heads me to his room quickly, taking me by surprise… well I don’t know why, because he’s Harry after all. “I’ll lend you something, now stop protesting” he says, joking

We get ready in ten, after I change my pyjama pants into some jeans and Harry gives me one of his sweaters, a warm jacket and hands me a grey beanie. The sweater doesn’t suit me as perfectly as it would at him. The sleeves cover my hands and the end of it almost covers my bum, but it’s warm and soft and it smells like him so I secretly appreciate it.

Of course Harry had to ruin my satisfaction, he doesn’t stop laughing, or giggling I can’t really distinguish. “You look adorable!”

I roll my eyes and take a deep breathe not to strangle him. “Can you not!?” I say in annoyance while we walk downstairs

“You’re so tiny.”

I give him a glower “I’m not okay?” I shout “Let’s go!” I drag my feet to the front door and put the beanie on my head. I’m not being childish, but Harry fucking likes to annoy me with this; I’m not tiny, it’s him who is huge.

“Okay princess.” He jokes and I count to ten in my mind while he opens the door and we walk outside. The moment I feel the cold air hitting my face, it’s like something inside of me lights up. The floor is already white, not as much as I wanted it to be, but I can feel the snow under my shoes by now and it’s amazing. I begin to walk hoping that Harry is following me but then “Louis!” he calls me and when I look back, he’s beside a car, smiling as always.

I frown, I’m enjoying feeling the snow and now he wants to drive? “You’ll drive?!” I ask walking towards him

“Yeah, I want to take you to a special place for me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might describe Louis much smaller than he actually is so Harry is like a giant next to him .... oops , but yeah it's too cute not to do it


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist:   
> Somewhere Only We Know by Keane

The drive lasts 5/10 minutes, there is just the sound of the radio and I only pay attention to the village outside the window. It’s quite pretty and there’s not many people outside due the snow, they don’t know what they’re losing in my opinion.

Harry parks on the driveway and when opens the door makes me follow his steps. We’re in a park. It seems to be a normal one; it’s rather big, there’s tons of naked trees along it and the green grass is replaced by the white blanket of snow. It’s not really crowed but there is some groups of people around it, enjoying the weather.

I didn’t even notice Harry opening the back door from the car and returning to me while I appreciated the place “Let’s go?” He asks with a grin and holding his camera now. I ask myself how many cameras he has, and if they are in random places so when he needs them, they’re available.

I nod and follow him, walking right behind him and looking around. This is probably the centre of the village, around the park there are small stores, but this is not like London that it’s all big, crowed and noisy. This is calm, comfy and something that deserves to be admired in silence. The more we walk the more I find myself in love with this place and the more I find it more special and beautiful.

The snow is now falling slowly but the air is still chilly and I regret not bringing a scarf like Harry did. I really need to listen him more often. You’re stubborn, don’t tell me that I didn’t warn you. He said, but I always find myself scratching my neck because of those things.

“It’s beautiful isn’t it?” He says out of sudden, and somehow I think the only thing it was missing here was hearing his voice

“Yes, yes it is.” I look back at him, offering a small smile

He sits on the bench that is bellow a tree, which is probably one of the few that aren’t naked and the leaves are green with small pieces of white from the snow. I sit next to him, feeling the cold on my skin already, I don’t wanna imagine if the bench was full of snow… “I used to come here when I wanted to be alone and hear my own thoughts…”

“You sure weren’t alone!” this place is probably always with people, and I imagine that in the summer is even more crowed.

“I know, but that was the point. I wanted to feel alone but with people around me, you see?” I raise my eyebrow looking at him and he chuckles due my face. But maybe I’m getting his point, sometimes I wanted to feel the same, I still do. “I’d come here to study or just listen to music after a long day and I didn’t want to go home.”

“I see…” I whisper, imagining thirteen years old Harry coming here to run away from his problems at home after the divorce of his parents

“And I think it was in this place where I found my love from photography” he says looking at the sky “It’s so beautiful. I have a lot of pictures from this place in every season and every time of the day.” He laughs a little

“You’ve to show me them one day.” I say without thinking.

“Sure!” He gives me another smile. He’s happy and I love seeing him like this “Never imagined that I would ever bring someone here.”

“Why?”

“Because I see this like my place, I like to come here alone every time I visit my family… Just to find myself thinking about the past.”

“I don’t think that’s a good thing.” I say looking at my lap now. Thinking about the past sometimes brings us some dark memories, making us feel empty and upset from a moment to another, for no reason and we usually don’t even need to feel that way.

“Thinking about the past?” I feel him looking at me “Oh I think it’s good, just to see how much I grew up and changed. I don’t feel sad about those things anymore, I don’t need it so it’s good to see the difference from the past and the present.”

I never thought like that, but somehow he’s right. “Hum… yeah maybe you’re right.”

“I’m always right,” he chuckles and I roll my eyes “and I told you!”

I look at him confused “You told me what?”

“To bring a scarf, you’re cold” So he noticed... The sweater and the jacket are warm but not enough to stop me from shivering. “Here.” He takes off his scarf and puts around my neck

“You don’t need-“

“Shut up!” he ignores and gives two turns to the scarf and puts his arm around my shoulder, bringing me closer to him. Why does he always needs to smell so nice?

“Aren’t you cold now?” I ask looking up at him and he shakes his head saying “I’m fine.” I find myself not caring about his arm around my shoulders because is keeping me warm

“So tell me about your friends, aren’t you going to visit them or something?” he told me a little about them, he has a few but only two or three are really important to him and he sees them as true friends who he wants to keep here.

“Oh, yeah I will. Probably in the New Year’s party.”

“New Year’s party?” I didn’t even think about it yet, where am I going to spend the New Year?!

“Yes, and you’re going” I think I know now

“I am?!”

“Of course” he says as if my question was the stupidest thing I could ever say and his answer the most normal answer. “If you don’t want to we can stay at my place…” he says after examining my expression

“NO!” I say maybe too loudly “I mean, n-no… I know you want to see your friends and stuff so…”

“It’s fine, as long as I’m with you!” he simply says.

He says these kind of things so easily, like it is normal… like I’m not able to say. I’m too shy and I can’t express my feelings sometimes because of that, I can’t find the right words and the right way to say them. Maybe it’s what is happening between me and Harry… Better if I don’t start with this. “Dick.” I mumble, to hide my embarrassment but as always he notices and chuckles.

“Anyway, we have time to discuss that” I nod and we stay quiet for a moment, just enjoying the time and I try not to think. It doesn’t take too much time to Harry picking his camera and star taking photographs.

“You know what would be funny?”

“What?” he asks, still looking through the view liner.

“Taking a photo that looks similar from the ones you already have got.”

“Oh, that’s the good part of this,” he meets my gaze now “I don’t have any similar picture. They’re all different. The light is different, there are different people, the time when I took the picture is different… I think even this place has grown up with me. There are things here that there weren’t here before. But it’s good to compare such things so I can see how this town have changed too.” From now on I decided that I love hearing Harry talking about these kind of things, things that he loves, he has so many things to share, things that will make his eyes shine.

He chooses to share his passion with me so we spend some minutes then taking pictures, allowing me to do it as well. We walk around the park and I’m able to take some pics of him. Then he says he wants to take one with me, which ends up of taking about fifteen and I know more than a half suck.

He decides to go save his camera, after a time in the car so you Louis don’t drop it on the floor and break this precious thing. Because yeah, maybe I almost dropped it. But it’s snowing and the snow is fluffy, it wouldn’t smash it, would it?

The weather gets cooler by the time passes and I see people leaving, so the park is with much less people than when we arrived.

We have been talking about shit really, but not literally I mean… just talking about random things that would come up at the moment. I think that’s the good thing about me and him, we can talk about everything, we always find a subject to talk about.

Harry is good at practically everything but there is one thing I’m better than him – apart from being more clever, no offence really. – that is football “I tried my best on high school. I was the last one to be chosen and even that, they wanted me to stay on the bench. They overstated my ability to be honest” I laughed with his excuse, and I can tell he’s not happy with it

“They didn’t, you really suck Harry.” I say not stopping laughing

“Hey! C’mon I try my best, I’m not that bad…”

“Your best?” I laughed harder “That’s your best?! Oh my god, Harry I’ve seen you playing and there are girls playing better than you.”

“Oh, fuck you. You’re exaggerating!” he plays hurts

“I’m not it is the–AUCH” I stop talking when I feel the ground. More like I lose my balance, tripping over my own feet – or some rock I don’t really know – and feel the cold on my whole body. Harry is laughing is head off, of fucking course.

“Karma is a bitch Louis!” he says laughing loudly and, still on the floor, I take a deep breathe not to hit him. From now on I’m starting to believe in Karma for sure. I don’t have a clue of how I fell down. But that doesn’t stop me from grabbing a handful of snow, making a ball and throwing it at him “What-“ he shouts but at least stops laughing due my bad luck

I stand up from the floor, cleaning my clothes and looking at him, triumphantly, while he tries to clean up the snow from his hair “Karma is a bitch, isn’t it Harry?” I tease and by the look he gives me, I know what’s coming. I feel instantly the snow hitting on my face, not giving me any time to get ready for it. “Harry!” I shout. He’s fucked.

I crouch myself and grab more snow, throwing it at him and it’s when we start a snowball fight. He doesn’t stop giggling and squealing, but I find it so cute. We start running through the park and I can’t stop laughing, I don’t even want to imagine what the few people that are still here, are thinking about us; but to be honest I don’t care, due the fun I am having with him.

“Stop, please!” he begs, although laughing, when notices that I am winning and he doesn’t even have strength to grab the snow anymore

“Never!” I grab more snow from the floor, taking my eyes a bit from him. When I stand up, ready to throw it at him, Harry is nowhere to be found. “Harry?” I call from him, looking around. What the hell? How can he just disappear from one moment to another?! I drop the snow from my hands, when start aching due the ice. “Harry?” I call him again, now louder

I don’t know where he appears from and how I am now with my back against the tree but the truth is I’m feeling something different from the other times we were as close as we are now. He has one hand rested next to my head and he’s leaning towards me. “Gotta ya.” He says and the half smirk, half laugh he gives me, is the most adorable thing ever. I don’t even try to fight with myself to say the otherwise.

“Where did you come from?” I try my best to keep my voice firm and normal

“Why? Did you miss me?” he laughs again and I snort looking away from him, because I’m finding his green eyes terribly dangerous now “Oh Lou… You’re so cute.” He says making me looking at him quickly. For the first time he’s not smirking while saying this, he’s with a pretty serious face, so I blush not really knowing how to react now. I can’t even understand how I am being capable to be in this position with him without telling him to let me go, without trying to step away or without thinking about how I hate him. “So cute…” he whispers this time and then his lips form a curve, so he’s with kind of a creepy smile and when I least expect it my face is all covered with snow. I can’t believe I didn’t notice his hand with snow before. It goes down to my neck so it’s literally stuck there and now I’m fucking freezing

“Fucking hell Harry!” I shout and he laughs, although he doesn’t allow me to walk away from between him and the tree. I try to clean the snow but he didn’t use all the snow he had before so he throws the rest at me again “Stop!” I shout loudly and when I try to release myself he grabs both my wrists, stopping me

“I won.” He chuckles now closer to my ear. And fucking hell, his voice is so sexy. Dammit Louis, shut up!

I open my eyes, that still now were closed due the ice and he’s so fucking close again. And I’m saying fucking so many times, but I’m feeling weird and somehow anxious at the point of feeling my heart beating quickly. “Ugh get off!” I manage to say and release one of my hand to take the snow left on my neck, stuck on the scarf which is already aching due the cold.

“Let me help you!” he says and then I feel the cold fingertips of him on the bare skin from my neck, taking off the snow. But of course Harry wouldn’t end up here, he takes advantage to tickle me and he burst into laughter when sees me desperately trying to release myself.

“Harry no!!” I can’t stop but laugh as well, but it’s just the result of the tickles. His laugh is still adorable but now I’m pissed… somehow amused though “Harry” I beg and he stops, finally. When I quickly try to run away he grabs my wrist, once again, and I’m back against the tree. He looks at me in fond, literally, and I don’t know if it’s just now that I realise it, but I love when he looks at me that way. I love the special look he gives me, the one he only gives to me. How his eyes shine and how they’re directed at mine, the way his lips form a small curve, the way he looks so happy and achieved.

This is beginning to be too much when I look back at him and try to focus on the little details from his face. The freckles he has, how many dimples he makes, the perfect form of his lips, how his eyes are average but how his eyelashes are long and perfectly straight… And how I want to feel more when his hot breathe hits my lips by how close he is “L-Let me go Ha-Harry.” I don’t think I even try to hide my weakness through my shaky voice.

“I’ll let you go if you kiss me” His tone sounds like he is teasing and testing me so I shake my head and try to repeat those word in my head just to check if I heard correctly.

“Wh-What?” I ask in shock

“You heard it. Kiss me and I’ll let you go.” He gets closer and my eyes open widely. What? What the hell? I can’t kiss him, he can’t just ask me a thing like this. It’s the cold, he’s – fuck I need to stop making excuses. I’ve loved you since the first moment I saw you. I guess maybe I’ve even loved you before I saw you. His words play on my mind. I really had some hopes that he maybe have forgotten about me and that was just a phase but each day it passes I doubt that a little more. And I know you don’t feel the same, but I don’t care. I’ll fight for you. I’ll make you say you love me and the only person you’ll want to be will be me. No, he won’t do that. I know he won’t, he won’t win this. I will never be able to say that, I know it. “So…” I hear his voice, it seems so far away but, shit, much the otherwise he’s so close, so close from my lips. And he’s fucking waiting for them to touch and I can’t do that. And I’m not only able to do that but I can’t move neither, holy shit.

“Ha-Harry, we-“ his half smile makes me stop middle way of my sentence and then he leans over and for seconds I think I’m kissing him… but then he just kisses my cheek gently for seconds and pulls away with a sight

“Let’s go back then.”

He’s disappointed, I can tell it. And if I knew we were going to be in silence all the way to his house, I’d rather kiss him and I wouldn’t need to think twice


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist  
> Fall For You by Secondhand Serenade   
> Stubborn Love by The Lumineers

The drive home seems to be longer than it actually is. I want to speak but I don’t know what to say and after what happened I think it would be a little awkward. Somehow it shouldn’t be. We did worst already and we kissed already too. Even if I was drunk and can’t remember really well… but apart from that night we already did things that could make us act differently around each other, but we decided against it.

Harry parks the car in front of the garage, on the same place it was almost two hours ago. He gets out of the car and I do the same, feeling the cold breeze and snow on my skin. He walks to the front door and I follow him, not even bothering to act surprised due his silence.

Gemma opens the door for us after Harry knocking “Hey! Had fun?” she asks and sounds happy. I keep looking at the floor while stepping in and I hear Harry humming as an answer, doing the same. If Gemma finds it weird she decides not to put it out.

“I’m going to my room for a bit” Harry says and walks upstairs, not allowing us to say a thing.

She gives me a questionable look and I start panicking because I don’t know what to say and how to react “Did something happen?” Dammit

“Hum, no…” I answer and of course I don’t sound credible

“I don’t think that-“ she starts but Anne appears from the kitchen, with a towel on his shoulder

“Hello Louis,” she greets me with a smile “you have to try the cookies, they taste delicious” she says and I nod. Thank god this woman appeared “where’s Harry?” Fuck

“He’s in his room.” Gemma answers for me “Louis, how about we start making dinner?”

“Erm,-“ I try to speak but “You don’t even like to cook honey” Anne says looking at her carefully “are you even able to cook rice?” she asks making me laugh a little. I’m not bad myself, I had to learn it but I’m not the best cook either.

“Mom!” She plays offended “I’ll learn with Louis.” She gives me a look and it’s almost scary

“Hum, yeah! I-I can teach you some s-stuff.”

“All right then. It’s only 6pm but I suppose we can eat earlier tonight” Anne finishes walking to the living room, where I suppose Robin is.

“Come on!” Gemma demands and I quickly take off Harry’s jacket, beanie and scarf to follow her to the kitchen “Any idea on what to eat?” She asks looking around on the pantry

“I don’t know, what does your mom has?” I walk towards her.

I can’t hide my concern towards Harry by the way I am acting, talking and playing with my fingers. I hate when he behaves like this and it all started when he spoke those three words. It was all so easy after that, all so normal and now I don’t even know what it is. I’m not only confused but scared.

“I don’t know” She ends up saying with a sigh “Harry is better on this.” She gives me a look and even if I don’t know her as well as I know her brother, I can tell she’s worried too because the expression she makes is similar to Harry’s. “What really happened with you two previously?” She asks again. I can’t tell her, dammit I can’t talk. This anxiety is killing me, I just want to run away.

“N-Nothing really…” Why am I even talking? How is this going to end up? “Can I make tea?” I don’t even like tea

She tilts her head but nods. I grab the tea marker from the corner of the balcony and after filling it with water I choose a teabag from the box beside it. I try my best not to make eye contact with her while focusing myself on the tea but it’s kind of hard when she’s right next to me, observing every moves I make. It looks like Harry, jeez. “You can stop trying to change subject” she speaks finally and I stop what I am doing

“I’m not.” I am

“Sure,” she chuckles. She doesn’t sound harsh but I’m not feeling comfortable enough now to talk whatever the matter might be “I know everything Louis and so does my mother, if not you wouldn’t be here.”

“What?” I look at her with a frown. If it wasn’t her tone of voice once again, I would tell she was mad at me by her choice of words.

She leans over the counter and finally takes her eyes off me “Harry’s been talking about you since the very first day he met you on campus…” she says as if she was picturing her brother’s voice “At first was cute but then it started to be annoying, till we got used to it!” she admits. Why the hell have Harry been talking about me to his family? This guy… I’ll admit and say that I find it cute but at the same time he needs to understand that it is creepy… but still cute. “My mother wanted to meet you for so long, but it never came up the opportunity to actually happen.” I might remember one day when Harry said he was going to visit his family, last year and he was taking Niall and then asked me if I wanted to go too. I said no because I thought he was joking, but for what it seems he wasn’t. Yeah, it’s not hard for me to believe what Gemma’s telling me, but I want to stop this little thing I am feeling on the inside.

“W-Well…” I scratch the back of my neck. What should I even say?

“My mother might know about a lot of things, but I know about everything really, so you can just tell me what happened because I will eventually end up knowing by Harry.” She says and I bite my lip. Should I tell her? I don’t even know if I’m able to… She smiles softly, noticing how nervous I am. Why am I nervous tough? “I see… did he kiss you?”

“A-Almost.” I whisper. C’mon Louis, act like a strong man.

“My brother is so fucking stupid.” She laughs. Gemma is the second person I want to know what’s been in her mind, after Harry. The Styles’ family have a weird impact on me. “I told him not to make any more move towards you if he didn’t want to make things weird.” but I know about everything really, did Harry really tell her about that night. Did he really tell her about everything? I find myself blushing due the thought and possibility of it. “But he’s so crazy about you Louis,” I look quickly at her. Why do I find so pleasant hearing this? “I never imagined that my brother would be so into a person like he is with you.” I feel her hand above my shoulder “You make him so happy, I need to thank you for that…”

“Th-That’s not completely true.” I say looking away. I don’t think I make Harry as happy as she thinks and might look like. “I make him feeling so down sometimes and he doesn’t even deserve it.” I can’t believe I found the courage to speak now. “I’m harsh, I hurt him, I’m constantly arguing with him for no reason, I push him away when he gets too close… And that’s not even all of the things.” The list is so long. I think Harry has more reasons to hate me than to love. “I want him to give up because I don’t want to keep touching the wound but he just doesn’t…” now I am looking outside the window to see if the snow falling relaxes me, but that’s not what will work out now.

“Yeah, he won’t give up Louis.”

“He will, someday he will for god sakes… He won’t be loving me forever, that’s just impossible”

“I think if he ever stops loving you, he will never going to actually forget you.” She says along with a sight and her tone sounds so genuine and calm… “It actually concerns me, because that’s the reality.” I look at her without knowing what to say. “Louis, I need to hear it from you,” she looks more serious now “How do you feel towards my brother? What are you going to do?” Shit

Harry’s POV

I’m laying down on my bed for so long now. I don’t even care if I’m cold and if I’d be better covered with a blanket but maybe is better this way. I don’t know what got in my mind to do that to Louis previously, we were doing so well and he looked so happy and enjoying the time with me. He was smiling and giggling and blushing… I don’t know why I screwed the mood once again. Maybe I just let myself go with the flow of the moment, since we arrived here and he changed. He’s being so much closer to me and last night I was so happy for him to come to my room. He didn’t try to pull away any time I tried to make a move so I might have took that to the other way. Fuck, I just don’t want to lose him and after all I just want him by my side, I want to call him mine and I want him to feel what I feel. Is that too much to ask?

Yes.

Yeah, I know… I’m really trying to make my best and fight for what I want, but I think that it’s better if I give up. But giving up is just as hard to do as to have him. I’ll give myself till the end of the year, after that, if we’re still the same, I need to stop loving him. 

I wished I could hate him due all the things he’s doing to me without noticing and all the things he does on purpose, but it’s impossible. Louis is impossible to hate, especially when I see him as if he was perfect.

“May I?” I hear my mom’s voice. I didn’t even hear her knocking at my door’s room

“Sure mom!” I say, sitting up on my bed while she walks towards me

“So how was your walk with Louis?”

“Pretty good.” I say honestly with a smile. It really did end up to be perfect.

“So why are you here instead of being with him, hum?” She sits next to me and squeezes my knee.

“J-Just needed some time… And I think he needs to!”

“He’s a good boy, son and he loves you a lot you know?” his words make me laugh

“Mom, that’s actually funny.” Louis is far from loving me. I know he’s always saying in his mind he hates me. “He doesn’t.”

“You’re mistaken, that boy downstairs loves you! I can’t tell you if he loves you the way you love him, but he does love you. I bet he doesn’t want to lose you and need you as much as you need him” She says grabbing my hands in hers.

My mom is never wrong so I hope this time is still the case.

~*~

“I think we should all agree in ordering a pizza” I speak after my second forkful of my sister and Louis’ attempt to make dinner. I don’t even know what this is.

“Don’t be rude Harry!” Gemma shouts in indignation

“You can’t eat your own food so shut up!” I laugh a little and I notice how Louis does the same next to me.

“I think it’s okay!” Robin says eating normally the food

“That’s because you eat everything, no matter what, love.” My mom says chuckling. I agree with her on that.

“Hey!” Robin protests and Louis laughs a little again.

“I’m sorry, this actually doesn’t taste as good as I thought” Louis finally speaks. I know my mom agrees but I also know she won’t be capable to tell him that.

“It’s fine honey, I won’t blame you. I know it was Gemma’s fault.” I laugh now by what my mom says

“Mother!” Gemma plays hurt and my mom laughs, covering her mouth like she always does.

“Well, we should dine out then. It’s only half past seven though” She says then

“Can’t we just order a pizza?” I don’t really feel like going outside, it’s cooler now that it’s dark and I already changed into more comfortable clothes.

“Well if you want to you can stay while we go!”

“Oh mom seriously?” I sigh.

“Hum… I-If you want to, I can stay with you.” Louis speaks for the first time to me, in a low tone. I look at him carefully, but he’s not looking back at me. Not that I am surprised. Gemma gives him a look too and to be honest I don’t know what it means

“So it’s done” She says and stands up from the chair while my sister and Robin do the same. “We won’t take too long.” They will and I know what she’s doing. I don’t fear being alone with Louis, is so normal for us now, that for me is even a pleasure. But somehow now I feel nervous and I think he feels the same too.

“We clean the table” Louis says, standing up as well, living me being the only one on the chair looking at them.

“Thank you and I’m sorry darling!” I ask myself why my mom doesn’t treat Louis by his name. But I’m happy that she likes him a lot and shows that she cares for him. I’m not impressed, my mom knows what Louis means to me and I’m so lucky to have her support on this, as well with my sister’s.

“It’s fine, really” I also hope Louis is really enjoying his time here and he doesn’t feel as uncomfortable as he thought he would.

“See you later!” She says and Louis follows the three of them to the front door. That should be my job, but the fact that he’s acting like this shows me that he’s fine with all of this and he feels okay; because I know Louis too well to know if he didn’t like my family and if he didn’t like the place and was tired of being here he wouldn’t pretend the otherwise.

He comes back and I can’t believe I’m still sat on the chair from the dining table. He starts grabbing the plates and I wake up from my thoughts. I hate acting weird around him in these situations. “Let me help.” I say then standing up and start taking the things from the table to the kitchen.

Apparently we clean everything in silence, in ten minutes and while Louis excuses himself to go the bathroom I order a pizza by the phone.

He didn’t look at me once and that not only hurts but also makes me feel guilty again. I know that at the end we will get back to normal but this is unnecessary and we can’t just keep with this, changing humour, being mad or feeling awkward in a moment so at the other we’re perfectly fine. I invited him to come here so we could fix things and he wouldn’t spend Christmas and his birthday alone. I couldn’t allow that, I care so much about him that I know I’d spend the whole time thinking about him if he stayed there, now that I knew his past. And even if I didn’t know I’d spend it thinking about him whatsoever, I’d be far from him while we were… mad at each other? I didn’t even know what happened that month, but he started to push me away… I know the reason but we promised each other that things wouldn’t change and get awkward and how are we now? Yeah…

“Harry!” Louis’ voice is loud, waking me up from my thoughts. I look at him quickly, finally meeting his blue eyes. Why is he screaming anyway? “Did you hear me?” He talks gently now

“No, sorry” I didn’t even notice his presence in the kitchen

“A-Are you okay?” I notice how regret he is for asking that. I’m not okay, I’m tired of being like this with him. I just want to enjoy my time together with him, he’s my friend after all… my best friend. I don’t even care if he doesn’t feel the same, I don’t care if he hates me, I fucking love him and care about him so much that could get sick. I just want him to be okay with me, I don’t want him to hate me, I don’t want this friendship ruined because of all of this, but I also don’t want to give up. If I give up I will never be able to have him, to call him mine, to hold him like he deserves to be held…

I walk towards him, I know I take him by surprise but I still wrap my arms around his body and hug him. He doesn’t hug me back but he’s not as tense as he usually gets, his heart is beating fast but he’s so warm and smells so good, smells like me and it just makes me happy that he’s still wearing my sweater that is so much bigger than him and I know he used my shampoo when he took a shower and that makes me forget about everything.

I close my eyes to enjoy the moment so I pay attention to the sound of our breath. His is so much faster than mine… is he nervous? I hope he doesn’t get mad because of this hug, but I needed it, I need to feel his body against mine.

“I’m okay now.” I whisper taking my hand to his hair. What surprises me the most is how he buries his face on my chest, after I say it and holds me too, grabbing the fabric from my shirt. So now we’re holding each other, and I couldn’t ask for anything better.

We pull away and I look at him while he looks down at the floor. He can be so confident but he gets shy sometimes too and I find it so adorable. He cleans his throat then and finally looks up at me “Hum, so what are we going to do?” I shrug with a smile. He’s blushing but this time I’m not going to embarrass him more by saying it. Suddenly his face lights up “I know it!” he says with a grin. “Un-Unless you don’t like the idea…” he lowers his face

“I’ll definitely love it.” I smile, transmitting assurance 

He gives me a quick and small smile and says “Well… when I was little, I’d usually go to my grandparents’ house for the night. Especially when I felt down because they helped me a lot. So they noticed that something was wrong and… and we’d build a blanket fort and we’d sleep there.” I can’t really understand the face expression he makes, but it’s sure from lack and sadness. It breaks my heart watching it. “It was comfy and relaxing, it was our little space you know? And on these cold days was the best!” He chuckles “I just… I miss those times and it’s been ages since I don’t make one, especially now that I’m almost twenty so it’s kinda childish but…” he sighs and steps away from me “I’m sorry you don’t need to-“

“It’s okay,” I grab his hand, stopping him to turn around. He says the pasts still bothers him but he’s happy and doesn’t need to feel sad. Everyone is allowed to feel sad, even if it’s not supposed to be. Louis is no exception, he’s so strong, he deals with his past alone and I bet no one ever heard him telling those things and feeling the pain from watching his smile dropping and his eyes losing the glow. “let’s do it then!” I smile at him, making him smile back. “We can do it on my bedroom. It’s big enough” I say walking with him upstairs.

“D-Do you have all the things we need” he asks when I start taking my clothes from the floor and resting it on a chair.

“I suppose so, on the guest’s room we have plenty of blankets and sheets, for not talking about the amount of pillows my sister has and saved there.”

I fix the place and we both walk to the room to get all we need. We put two big blankets on the floor, right next to the bed. Around it I placed some pillows, leaving four beside so we can use it later. Louis grabs two chairs and puts them at the edge of the both sides of the blanket, respectively, so the sheet can hold itself on top of it and part of it rests on the bed.

Sure it took some time, and Louis was driving nuts because it never ended up to looking right and how he remembered to be, but the result was okay I suppose. Clumsy, but okay. “Turn on my laptop so we can have something to do while I’ll bring the food.” I say when hear the doorbell. Louis nods and as soon as I pay the pizza man and grab two plates and napkins, I walk upstairs once again. He’s already inside of the fort and managed to put the lamp I have on the nightstand inside of it, so at the end it looks cosy and actually pretty. “Well, may I come in?” I joke crouching at the opening.

“What’s the password?” he plays serious

“Harry is the coolest guy I’ve ever known?”

“Hum… no but you were close so I’ll pass this time.” He jokes and I laugh, handing him the pizza and stuff to come in.

“Be careful, it’s hot” I say when he places the box on top of his legs. He nods and we put a slice of pizza in each plate and begin to eat. I’m hungry by now since it’s almost half past eight after all of this. We don’t eat in silence, thankfully. This time I try my best to joke around making him laugh, I mean I love watching him laughing. The way his eyes crinkle are from pure happiness and since he’s with his mouth full of food he covers it with his hand which is even more adorable.

Thinking about him this way is so weird but I’m so used to it, I enjoy it so much that can’t stop now.

We finish eating and I place the trash outside the blankets “So, wanna watch a movie now?” I ask taking my laptop to my legs. He nods and we lay down side by side, as we usually do when we’re on campus. Louis covers us with a blanket and I put my laptop between us, so it’s on my left tight and Louis’ right one.

We have anything in mind so I pick the first comedy movie I find on the website for us to watch.

We stay in silence, but to be honest, after thirty minutes of watching the movie I didn’t get anything from it. It seems boring and I’m starting to feel hot since we’re in this space and now with the laptop is worst, but Louis didn’t protest yet so I decide not to either.

Now that I see better, Louis is so much closer from me than he was at the beginning of the movie. He’s almost with his head rested on my shoulder so I get distracted with his soft hair. It’s not healthy for me doing it, the more I stare the more I want to touch it. I can’t even hear a single thing coming from the laptop, the only thing I’m able to hear now is the sound of Louis breathing. Everything is blurry except him. I try to memorize how he blinks, how his skin looks like with the light hitting his face, the way he licks his lips occasionally and especially how he yawns and covers his mouth with his small hand.

I’m going crazy with all of this… He’s so close that I can smell him, I can feel the warmth from his skin… it’s enjoyable and familiar but so seductive. I don’t know how I can contain myself of turning him to face me and kiss those lips. I miss them. Even if I just got to kiss them one night, I miss them terribly… It’s frustrating how it seems just a dream now and I already forgot about how they taste, how they are and how they move along with mines. I want to keep remembering that, I want him to make me remembering it. Everyday… And I want him to remember too.

I probably sight deeply, or groan in frustration due my thoughts, because I catch Louis’ attention and he looks at me for a moment with a frown. However, when I keep my eyes on his, his expression softens “Everything all right?” he asks, he must be tired or maybe too comfy because his voice sounds hoarse.

I nod and whisper a “Yes” and he seems to examine my face; like he does when wants to make sure I am not lying.

His face seems to get sadder and for seconds I panic, we were doing all right, really. We were acting like we should act always and I don’t want to change it. But he takes the laptop from our legs after closing the tabs and puts it away. He sits up and crosses his legs. “Harry, I’m sorry.”

I look at him confused. What’s happening? “What-For what?”

He looks down and I sit up, in front of him in the same position. “I think… for everything.” His voice is soft and quiet, almost as if he wished he wouldn’t have spoken them, like he didn’t want no one to hear them.

“I don’t get it Lou…” maybe I get it, I just don’t understand the reason behind this. Why is he saying this now?

He looks at the side and joins his lips firmly, he uses to do it when he’s mad… but he’s not mad now, isn’t he? “Dammit Harry! Don’t you see how we are now? We’re fine in a moment but then in the other we act strangely and it’s almost impossible to look at each other’s faces.” His voice is loud, but I know it’s because he’s just letting this go out from his chest. I know damn well how our friendship is now. It’s fragile. I don’t like it, especially because I know this is all my fault but I wished we could do something. “I don’t like it Harry,” me neither “I hate it…” like you hate me? “I-I don’t want to lose you” he whispers this time, making me look at him quickly “I’m sorry for the way I treat you sometimes… I know you think I hate you, but…” he sighs “even if I do hate you sometimes, it’s not for a long time.” I frown. His choice of words always surprise me “We never get on really well, but I always saw you as b-best friend” he admits and I chock. I see him as one too but I thought I was the only one thinking like this. This is a progress… “I need you, I don’t really want to lose you because of what is happening.”

I look at him widely. What he just said was a thing I never imagined hearing from him. “Lou…”

“Listen Harry I have to-“

“I’m sorry,” I interrupt him. I just want to hug him, I know it’s not the best time but I need it. I need it always and that’s the problem “Louis I’m sorry…” I don’t know why I am apologizing and I think he doesn’t too “I know I take this too far, I know I put my feelings in front of everything, forgetting about how you might feel. I’m sorry for telling you I loved you, I’m sorry for everything, really. But it’s stronger than me.” Not my best apologise but oh well…

“No Harry, you don’t get it-“

“Yeah I get it Louis. This was all my fault. This started to change when I told you my feelings and I never asked you how you felt toward this, so when you started pushing me away from you,” I clench my fists “I got the message and I tried my best to keep myself apart from you… because that was what you wanted and I just didn’t want you mad at me;” I’m talking so loudly, I’m almost shouting… and just because I don’t want to cry, I’m so emotional sometimes and Louis makes me feel worst. “I was caring about your feelings more than mines…” I try my best not to look at his surprised face

“Harry… listen-“

“I’ll stop loving you if that’s what you want…” what am I saying…? I’m twenty years old and I act like a teenager. I’m so dumb, I can’t just stop loving Louis. I’ve been telling that to myself for a year and it’s impossible. When I got to know that we were going to share a room I knew things were going to lose control.

“Don’t be silly Harry!”

“I will Louis. I will do everything to stop this, I’ll do everything so our friendship doesn’t change and everything will get back to normal. I’ll stop teasing you and start to act normally. I will-“ I stop myself because I don’t believe on my own words right now, I’m acting so desperately. I know you don’t feel the same, but I don’t care, the problem here is that I care. I fucking care because I fucking love him so much and I won’t be able to do what I am saying. “This-This afternoon I just… I just wanted a kiss, b-because I wanted you to remember how it would be to kiss me. Even I can’t remember how it is to kiss you so I wanted to do it again, but this time I wanted to keep the memory… I-“

“Then kiss me now.” He interrupts me and I think my heart is going to jump out of my chest.

“Wh-What?”

“Kiss me Harry. Kiss me now so I can remember as well.” He repeats and I could froze right now, I could chock and look at him widely; but instead I move forward, closer to him. He spoke those words with so much confidence and he sounded so serious.

“You su-“

“Please…” he whispers and I gulp. I don’t want him to regret those words so I support myself with one hand against the blankets, next to him and rest the other one on the back of his neck. At the moment I push him to my lips I move forward as well, so I’m feeling his lips on mines. I kiss him, I kiss him passionately. It seems familiar but at the same time is different.

I lean over and make him lean his back on the pillows rested on the mattress and he stretches his legs so I’m between them now. I grab his face in both my hands and keep kissing him. It’s a normal kiss and he doesn’t even have time to take his hands from the place they were because I pull away, maybe too quickly… but I’ll remember it, I’ll remember how his lips move in synchrony with mines and how soft they are. And I will especially remember how he looked at me, gently and almost in fond when I looked at him.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> playlist
> 
> Counting Stars by One Republic
> 
> Falling In Love At a Coffee Shop by Landon Pigg

“I will Louis. I will do everything to stop this, I’ll do everything so our friendship doesn’t change and everything will get back to normal. I’ll stop teasing you and start to act normally. I will-“ He stops himself. What he is saying is hurting me, I don’t know why because it shouldn’t be. But he says it as if it was easy for him to forget how he feels towards me, isn’t the love he feels for me strong enough? I think if he ever stops loving you, he will never going to actually forget you, is that true? Is that even how he thinks and how things will be? I find the idea of Harry stopping loving me terrific…

But it’s like I’m being bipolar, because in a moment I want him to stop loving me because he might get hurt and he deserves to be truly happy and loved but at the other I want him to love me with all of his strength, and this is the first time I actually think about it… I think it’s by hearing these words coming from him that makes me being selfish “This-This afternoon” he continues “I just… I just wanted a kiss, b-because I wanted you to remember how it would be to kiss me.” so he just wanted a kiss to remember? I don’t know what to think and how to feel about this whole thing, this is frustrating. I’m changing myself towards him. I’m changing the way I act around him, changing the way I think about him… fuck, I don’t love Harry so why this? Is this curiosity that I am feeling towards him? “Even I can’t remember how it is to kiss you so I wanted to do it again, but this time I wanted to keep the memory… I-“

“Then kiss me now.” What the hell Louis? I feel like all of this is a dream so I don’t really have control over my actions.

“Wh-What?”

“Kiss me Harry. Kiss me now so I can remember as well.” I feel the urge to repeat it, to make him know that I’m really asking for him to kiss me. I don’t even know if I really want to, but I’m desperate. I’m desperate? Am I desperate because I want Harry to keep loving me?

“You su-“

“Please…” I whisper and he gulps, but he’s quickly now to move forward. He supports himself with one hand against the blankets, next to me and rests the other one on the back of my neck. His hand is warm and it feels good to have him touching my skin, at the moment he pushes me to his lips he moves forward as well, so I’m feeling his lips on mines. Harry is kissing me… And I’m fucking kissing back!

He leans over and makes me lean my back on the pillows rested on the mattress, I stretch my legs so he’s between them now. He grabs my face with both hands and keeps kissing me. It seems familiar and it’s like I’m having flashbacks from that night.

The way he kisses makes me waking up for reality. This is not a dream and I had control over my actions. I asked for him to kiss me because I wanted to. I wanted you to remember how it would be to kiss me, and fuck I was too busy worrying about all of the shit it’s happening that I didn’t realize I wanted that too.

When I’m about to rest my hands on his back, to pull him closer, he pulls away. Is that it? Is it over? Shit, is lips are so soft, almost like I remember. The way he looks at me now makes me want to join our lips once again. This is disturbing, this is so not right. I’m feeling bad with myself. He loves me and I’m playing with his feelings

Just don’t fucking hurt him, whatever your feelings might be Louis.

I won’t Gemma, I promise.

This words echo on my mind. I promised I wouldn’t hurt him but I think I just did that.

“Okay…” he whispers and in a moment he’s surprised, kinda dizzy and in the other he’s looking down, not meeting my gaze. What is he thinking? I want to know what this meant to him because maybe it could help me to figure out what meant to me.

“Okay…” I repeat, whispering as well. He pulls back, so he’s not on top of me anymore, and sits next to me. The air seems to be hotter than it was and I just want to pull the sheet out, from over our heads because I’m almost without air. What have I done…? I’m frozen looking at the emptiness and rewinding that kiss over and over again in my mind

“Thank you!”

“Thank you?” I look at the side and he shrugs but he’s still looking down. What’s wrong with him now? If I knew things would end up like this I’d be shut up… dammit I regret it, I- fuck I want to kiss him again… “Harry…” I look for his hand and when I grab it he looks up at me. Is he about to cry? No please, no…

“I…” he starts but can’t continue. I never saw him like this. It was just a kiss and he acts like this? Jesus, it breaks my heart.

“Shh!” I start to move and make him laying down, still holding his hand so we can spoon. I don’t know what to say, I think I don’t even have anything to say. Words don’t come… at least not the right ones so I think what we need now is enjoying the silence.

I let the blanket reach just a little above our waists and I rest my forehead on his back; I can even hear his heartbeat now and I don’t know what is stronger, mine or his. He holds my hand tightly now and I keep my eyes open. I don’t dare to move to turn off the light, to pull away the hair that is tickling my nose or not even to move to a more comfortable position… and neither does he. It’s still early to sleep so I don’t know how much time I stay awake, I hear Harry’s family arriving, I hear Harry’s mom coming upstairs to the bed later and I hear Gemma going to her room as well after going out… I’m sure Harry hears it too, because I don’t remember to hear his usual breathing when he is sleeping and he keeps holding my hand tightly.

~*~

I might be sweating a little when I wake up, but I’m too comfortable to move and this time I know I can and I will stay in bed, or… in this improvised bed. The light from the lamp is still on like it was last night and there is no light coming from the window, but I think the blinds are closed so, once again, I don’t know what time is it, but I don’t expect going back to sleep since I’m full rested.

I’m not in the same position like I was last night. I’m laid faced up, Harry is wrapping his arms around my torso and I don’t expect to pull him away since waking him up is the last thing I want to right now; for two reasons: first his face is precious, he looks so much younger than twenty, he looks so in peace and I know he’s sleeping well since he’s not snoring; second I want to keep this moment and silence to think and to be by myself.

Are we going to act like nothing happened last night, like we always do? I wished that, but we can’t keep doing that every time something this gender happens, like we’re running away. If things like these didn’t happen, I wouldn’t have to apologize to Harry and he wouldn’t have to feel like he’s feeling and wouldn’t have exploded last night.

“This was all my fault. This started to change when I told you my feelings and I never asked you how you felt toward this, so when you started pushing me away from you I got the message and I tried my best to keep myself apart from you… because that was what you wanted and I just didn’t want you mad at me. I was caring about your feelings more than mines…”

He has no idea how his words affected me… I’m more confused than ever. The way he says these things to me hit me in ways I would never expect they would. Harry is such a special guy… not only for me… for himself, for other people, for the world. It’s because of that, that I think he deserves the best, even after everything. I always admired him, he always helped me, supported me in everything, he was always by my side, he taught me so many things about how to deal with daily problems but I never paid attention to it so I never really had that perspective, never stopped a second to think about him, to see how wonderful he’s and how kind he’s for me. And that was also the reason I never noticed the way he looked at me, the way he talked to me, how his eyes shined when he flirted with me, such a truthful and happy smile he would always give me. In return I always gave him a frown, I shouted at him, I insulted him, I pushed him away… I’d do the worst things ever. He was the person who never deserved that from me. He deserved a smile in return, a friendly answer, an easy conversation, a silly laugh in response to his jokes… he deserved to hear a thank you every day from me, a good morning, a hello, a nice to see you too. Instead I’d do that to the worst person, to the person I thought it deserved my kindness, my trust, the person that I tough I’d have feelings for and not for the person who loved me and cared for real.

I need you, I don’t really want to lose you…

I finally said that to him, and when I spoke those words it was like a heavy thing came out from my chest. I still can’t believe how… How a person I treat so badly, I used to hate could mean so much… but it’s the truth and lately the truth is appearing to be the most bizarre thing to be said and though about.

After all of those thoughts and reviews from last night, my conversation with Gemma came up in my mind… She cares for his brother so much to the point I can realize that by the way she speaks and says his name. The way she begs me to treat him well, to look for him like he looks for me. She just wants his best, his happiness… but the problem is that she thinks, that happiness is me and it’s where he’ll find it.

-

“Louis, I need to hear it from you, how do you feel towards my brother? What are you going to do?” Shit. What am I going to answer? I don’t know the answer… I never bothered to ask that to myself, so I don’t have the right answer for this. “Louis...” she insists. Am I taking too long to answer? But do I need to think about the answer, about all of this?

“I-I don’t know…” I end up saying and I know that’s not what she wants to hear

“Louis, he loves you a lot, you have that idea, don’t you?” I do so I nod nervously “You two are always together, can you imagine how he might feel about this?” Yeah, Gemma knows everything so she knows what she’s talking about and I know what she’s referring to. “I keep telling him to at least try to forget you,” this hurts to hear “because he doesn’t try at all even knowing and saying that he has no changes with you. You know what he answers me?” She’s almost shouting and this time I’m not sure if she’s actually mad or not “That he can’t, he can’t do such a thing.”

“Okay…” I whisper. I hate not knowing what to say

“Okay? Is that all what you’ve to say?” She’s definitely mad “Be honest with me Louis, do you really hate him?”

Yes…

No?

“Fuck, I don’t.” this time I don’t whisper, I can actually talk in my normal voice. “I don’t okay? I know I treat him like shit sometimes but I don’t. I care for him, a lot more than he thinks, even more than I can admit to myself… I hate hurting him, but the way we treat each other started to be the normal…”

“It’s a weird normal then.” She interrupts. I’m talking with her like I knew her for ages, I don’t have that confidence with her to talk about those stuff… at least I thought so, but it was her who started and she’s just making what competes her as Harry’s sister for what it seems.

“I know…”

“Do you love him Louis?”

“Don’t ask me that!” I can’t answer it, not even to myself… and I don’t know if it’s because I don’t have the answer…

“At least, do you feel something for him?”

“I…”

“And don’t answer that you don’t know Louis, a person knows this kind of things. The only problem here is that you can’t admit it to yourself.” She’s right. But even that I take time to answer and I know it’s taking her from her serious

“I-I… I might feel…” I can’t believe I just said this, I can’t believe it. What the fuck no, I don’t feel anything for him “I don-“

“You’re so confused Louis,” She shakes her head. I’m not, I don’t feel anything for him and I don’t want to feel.

“He deserves better… he deserves someone to love him and respect him.”

She looks at me and her expression changes… it seems like she calms down and her eyes return to their normal colour. “He does... Everything he needs he’s looking for it on you.”

“I can’t…” I look down. I hope he realises I can’t give him what he wants, I hope Gemma doesn’t expect from me what I can’t.

“I think you can Louis…” She doesn’t allow me to protest when she continues “Just don’t fucking hurt him, whatever your feelings might be Louis.”

“I won’t Gemma, I promise.” I hope I can promise this to myself too.

-

It was the weirdest conversation I’ve ever had about Harry and probably the deepest one and that made me say things I never imagined I would say loudly and to someone. I don’t know if it was that conversation that made me ask Harry to kiss me… I do want to know what I feel for him, but I’m kinda scared, if that’s even possible. Maybe that was a way to make me know what I feel for him… and to be honest I think it helped a little because-

“Louis?” I hear Harry’s raspy voice by my side and I look at him right away. He looks gorgeous, his eyes are semi open and his face so soft and still so calm

“Good morning!” I decide to say

His face lights up and he gives me a lazy smile “Morning” I smile back “Are you awake for a long time now?” he asks and I think he didn’t notice yet that he’s still with his arms wrapped on my waist.

“Probably…” I feel like I am but all this thoughts distracted me.

“Hum… sorry then.” He takes one hand to rub his eye and then yawns. He looks like a kitten and for a moment I just want to wrap my arms around him to cuddle.

God I never imagined I could think about Harry like this. “For what?” I ask then

“Keeping you waiting.”

I chuckle due his words, he’s still sleeping probably “It’s fine!” I say and he smiles again.

He pulls away from me without saying a word about it and lays down next to me, stretching himself “I actually slept well.”

“Me too.” I say honestly. He looks at me and for a moment I think I see him blushing but maybe is due the light

“Anyway… what time is it?”

“I don’t know.” And I don’t actually want to know, I want to stay here like this and pretend that the world doesn’t exist. Just a moment in peace with him. Maybe just talking or even looking at each other in silence, I don’t care… anything would be perfect.

“I’m gonna check it then” he says and prepares to stand up but at the moment he does that I grab his wrist and make him laying down again. But instead, due how clumsily he is and how fast I pull him down, he ends up losing his balance and falls down on top of me. Thank god he doesn’t hurt himself since my body trimmed the fall for him so he’s basically laid down on top of me.

“S-Stay…” I whisper like I had forgotten to say it. It’s actually weird now because we’re both looking shocked at each other by how close we are and how this happened.

“S-Sorry.” He whispers as well but doesn’t move either. His body is so warm against mine and now that I see things better I could actually falling back asleep.

I don’t dare to say anything in return, I keep looking at his wild opened green eyes but he’s not looking at mines back. I notice how he looks down at my lips, making me look at his. They’re so plump and pink and soft and I wanna feel them… and I think I am about to feel them when he moves forward a bit and I actually close my eyes, waiting for the touch… but it never comes. The weight from his body disappears and I open my eyes again and look at the side where he is sat. I sit back too and look weirdly at him. He could have kissed me, but he didn’t.

“S-So do you want to go back to sleep or what?” He asks and looks at me like nothing have happened.

“Hum… N-No. Just staying here.” I say and I feel so disappointed with all of this that it’s strange.

“Do you?” it’s kind of a déjà vu but the last time I couldn’t handle myself and screwed everything.

“Yes…” I nod

“Okay then.” He lays down again, faced up.

Before doing it as well, I put myself on my knees and take off the sheet from the top “Let’s watch the stars.” I say and I’m sure his gaze is on me but I ignore it, turning off the lamp next to us and laying down next to him so our legs and arms are touching. The stickers he has on the ceiling from his room are shining and it’s pretty to see. They’re all from different sizes and I try to imagine being outside, in a warm night, watching the real stars with Harry.

I’m not sure if he’s looking at them as well but I feel his fingertips touching my hand and then he just interlace our hands together. It’s heartfelt, familiar and welcome and I don’t know how much time we stay like this, just enjoying the company of each other but I don’t find myself wanting to know.

Later on we decide to stand up and for the first time, after this kind of thing happen we don’t act awkwardly with each other, we act normally but also not like nothing have happened. Harry opens the blinds, allowing the natural light illuminating the room and I see how the street is covered by snow and the sky is with that light but grey colour. It feels like Christmas actually.

We decide to go downstairs, barefoot and it’s good to feel the cold wood on my feet, and when we see the time we end up laughing a little because it’s only half past eight.

“My mom usually wakes up at nine.” Harry says “How about you help me doing breakfast?” he asks with a smile and of course I can’t deny it even if the last time I cooked we ended up ordering a pizza and his family dining out. Oh yeah, that was last night…

It’s the first time I cook with Harry and I must say I want to do this every morning from now on – even if we live on campus and we just eat a shitty breakfast every morning. He acts like a dork while doing it, he’s still clumsily and makes a mess on the counter but talks like an expert on the matter. Even if I only make the tea and some orange juice while he does the pancakes with all kind of flavours, I still think this is something I needed to share with him. A normal morning while he jokes around, and just the happy look he gives me makes all worthwhile.

“Morning boys” Anne appears while we are just finishing setting the table up and putting the last details – Harry wants a good presentation on his plates with the perfect garnish. “Wow, this looks tasty.” She says looking in surprise “You two made all of this?”

“Yes” Harry says at the same time I answer “Harry did most of it.” and we laugh

“We both did it.” Harry repeats, giving me a look and a smile so I nod

“Can’t wait to taste it then. Better call your sister and Robin, don’t you think Harry?” she asks and Harry, still with his grin, nods and walks to the hallway just to shout “GEMMA, ROBIN, BREAKFAST, NOW!” and walks back peacefully

“They’re coming” he says and I laugh, while Anne shakes her head as if she was thinking it’s always the same. But they actually were coming. Just a minute passes and they’re joining with us on the table with their sleepy face but which lights up when they see the breakfast that is waiting for them

“Hum, Harry, I missed this breakfast of yours!” Robin says with his mouth full of food. “So yummy”

“Thanks!” Harry chuckles

“I think it even tastes better than the usual!” Robin continues

“That’s because I had Louis’ help, right?” he hits me with his elbow

“We can say that, apparently.” I laugh and it’s like I can feel his look on me so I turn to my side to look back at him. It was always like this and I never found it odd, just cute.

“You have a little of j-jelly…” he starts touching his own face so I can see where the dirty is on mine, but he was never good on it “let me help you” he licks his thumb and passes it on the corner of my mouth in a gentle touch, passing his thumb across the shape of my lips to my jaw. Unnecessary! I can’t believe he just did this at the table, in front of his family. I can practically feel my cheeks burning.

“Harry…” I mumble pulling away my eyes from his and he coughs. He got it.

“I’m sorry!” He says not so embarrassed as he should be and when I raise my head to look at his family, I’m expecting to see shocked faces but instead his mother just giggles and Gemma gives us a look, but not a weird one, maybe curious, with a smile, while Robin is just enjoying his meal.

~*~

I love taking a shower knowing that hereafter I’m going to bed, especially after a long day of shopping till my feet aches from so much we walked.

I had a great time though. Anne had the best idea to spend the day, to be honest. I almost felt like I was part of the family while we were discussing the lasts Christmas presents. Even if it’s nothing related to me Anne always asked what my suggestions were and of course I’d gave her a list with possible gifts for her niece, Harry’s grandmother and even Robin’s sister. I felt so happy and I almost couldn’t remember how these kind of things would make me feel.

Harry looked so happy, always grinning and laughing… and what I loved the most was when once in a while he would stop to look at me and when I looked back he’d give me a smile and would say I love seeing you smiling or I’m so glad you’re here and I really hope you’re happy. And the only way I found to answer him was with a simple smile which for him meant a lot and was enough, apparently.

I’m so thankful for all of this, if Harry didn’t make me coming, by this time I would be feeling so alone, even if I didn’t want to admit it. Instead I’m so happy and I didn’t tell Harry yet – but I think I don’t even need to since he must have realised it – that I’m so glad from being here as well and so happy for being by his side.

When I get out of the bathroom, the hall is dark and the house is sleeping. Everyone was so tired after this day that went to bed straight after we arrived from the restaurant and it was only 10pm. Before Gemma entered to her room she nodded at me and I think for the first time she actually smiled for me… like her brother uses to and I suppose that was a good signal.

And I didn’t see Harry, so I couldn’t tell him goodnight and to be honest with myself I really wanted to tell him that, since tonight will be the first one after four months that I’m not going to sleep in the same room as him. I got so used to his snores that I don’t think I’m going to sleep as well as I did last night. But I really need to try, at least and pass that mission with success.

Or not…

I give with myself in front of the door from his room wondering if I should knock or not. Would I be a bother for him? I’m stupid to think that. I know I wouldn’t, but still… I didn’t really want to keep with this but I think it’s useless for me to think that way.

When I raise my hand to knock, the door is opened and for a moment I think Harry is just going to walk over me, but he stops in time and looks at me surprised. I sure am blushing and that’s super bizarre but somehow, so me… not even with Bryan I’d blush this way, it was a different blush. Shame on you Louis

“Wow, hey!” Harry says chuckling and he’s making that attractive smile that always catch my eyes.

“S-Sorry, I didn’t want to bother, erm, I think I’m going to…” I turn around, ready to walk away when Harry grabs my wrist and in a blink of an eye I am in his room with my back against the, now, closed door. “…my room…” I whisper, finishing the sentence I left halfway. My heart is beating so fast that I can literally feel it and hear the beat from my chest; I don’t know if it’s because of the shock, because of the noise Harry made, the surprise, because of how tightly Harry is grabbing my wrist above my head and resting his hand on my hip, scared that I might go away or if it’s because I can feel Harry’s hot breathe on my lips and he smells like menthol.

“Hi!” he smirks looking right into my eyes and the way he does it, it takes my sanity away. What’s wrong with me? Damn Louis! Hate him, hate him, hate him…

“H-Hi!” And stop being shy god dammit. “Weren’t you going some-somewhere…?” 

“Yeah… I was going to see you!” He says and he doesn’t fucking stammer so why do I do that? Ridiculous.

“Oh!” I simply say and I need to breathe normally so he better start thinking about stepping away and let me go or I’ll die.

“You were coming here to see me?” he asks, dropping my wrist and just stepping away a little, not enough for me to compose myself

I can’t lie to him. It wouldn’t make sense. It would be stupid and I just need to stop lying to myself towards Harry’s subject, step by step; even if it’s little ones. “Yes…” this time I don’t stammer and I’m so proud of myself.

He smirks, probably triumphantly because that was something he wanted to hear, for sure. He might seem a little surprised perhaps because he thought I was going to say no… “Good!” stop showing those happy dimples…or not, no don’t stop. “Louis?” he calls my name, this time whispering, slower and more serious

“Yeah?” I don’t even know why I answer

“Can I-Can I kiss you?” He asks and I don’t know what’s going on inside of me.

A part of me wants to say no, because that’s the right option, that’s what I’m supposed to answer but instead I say “Please…” I really need to stop replacing please when I want to say yes

He smiles one more time and leans over to press our lips together. He’s kissing me. And I’m kissing him. This is probably our first proper kiss, because this time I’m not drunk, this time this kiss wasn’t forced, it wasn’t an experience and it wasn’t something Harry felt that he needed to do because it would be the last time, or he just needed to remember. This kiss was a greet, maybe a way to say we find each other cute, maybe a kiss to enjoy ourselves, maybe this kiss means a lot, or means something that we both need to figure it out. But one thing I’m sure about, this kiss made me feel something, something that is welcome, something that I want and need to feel more often.

The way his hands travel from my forearms, the way he grabs me by my waits and pulls me closer, the way he rests his hand on my cheek and caresses it with his thumb, the way our mouths explore each other and move perfectly... Those small and normal things people do when they kiss, were something that I can’t remember feeling when I was drunk and even when we kissed last time, because this time we’re both into it, for real, and I can feel all the passion he has to offer and wants me to feel and understand.

I feel it and understand, and I’m glad that I’m sharing this with him.

“Stay here, I’m not ready to say goodnight” he says when pulls away, I nod and maybe now I finally understand what Gemma meant from his words when she talked about what Harry felt for me. I can comprehend it by the way he looks at me, the way he gently touches me… so that’s something big. I can realise it just by simple things so I’m quite scary what he keeps on his chest, still waiting to be shown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes Harry is older than Louis , oops i know... but it's just come months since they're both on the second year of uni and they keep their real b-days.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> playlist
> 
> Ho Ho Hopefully – The Maine
> 
> Red Hands - Walk off the Earth

 

Harry’s POV

I wake up and don’t feel the now usual warmth from a body pressed against mine, so when I open my eyes I’m disappointed to find out that the other side of my bed is empty. I literally groan from annoyance and displeasure from the fact that Louis wasn’t the first thing I saw in this Christmas Eve’s morning.

I think he shares the same opinion as me; sleeping in a room where we can’t hear each other breathing is not the same after four months. Knowing that Louis is by my side makes me be sure that everything is okay, he’s okay and I feel safe and want to believe that I’m making him feeling that way too. He’s becoming more special, I was so right about thinking that I couldn’t keep myself away from him, not to make this feeling towards him growing up. But they had growing up, they’re so much bigger and I don’t know how that’s even possible. But it’s not only my fault, it’s his too. He’s been giving me so much hope, I feel so happy so good about having him beside me. Since the night he allowed me to kiss him – it wasn’t that much long ago though – that we haven’t fight, we haven’t act strangely, we have been acting like real friends, or maybe a little more but I didn’t kiss him again. I thought better about it and I need to take this (even more) slowly and respect him because I don’t know what he’s been thinking lately about all of this. But we cuddle and he has been smiling more to me and laughing and I see the spark in his eyes when he’s enjoying my company and it makes me feel so alive and not empty.

I don’t want to make high hopes so I don’t end up hurting myself in here, but I feel like I can finally have him just for myself and this have been the best times. We spend nights talking and during the day we spend it with my family and playing games and even cooking. We take small walks through the neighbourhood just to have some time to ourselves and so Louis can enjoy the snow and feel the chilly air. He’s so precious and he has been wearing my clothes, the ones which seem larger on him but that I love so much to watch because it’s when I feel the urge to hug him and kiss his nose and tickle him. He’s so small, so beautiful, so warm and it’s like our bodies fit perfectly. His smell is so enjoyable, it’s already familiar and makes me feel so like home and god I’m so happy and in love with that boy!

He literally drives me crazy and I can’t see my life without him now, it’s so hard to think about it. It sounds cliché but it’s true. When we get used to live in this kind of situation, with a certain person, hearing this same voice, looking at the same eyes and feeling so good with yourself at the same time, makes it hard and actually painful to think about.

But right now everything is okay, everything is just perfect so I don’t need to waste my time thinking about that.

I decide to get up from bed after some time being laid down just thinking about certain blue eyes and till feeling cold from being shirtless and being tired of feeling the light coming from outside, since Louis has been with this crazy idea about leaving the blinds open so he can see the light in the morning and actually know that is already morning.

I dress myself quickly and when I walk to the hallway it smells good. Right, Christmas Eve, my mom is probably making some good desserts for tomorrow. “Mom?” I call her while walking downstairs and I actually find her in the kitchen, wearing an apron. To be honest I was waiting to see Louis next to her as well but I still didn’t hear his voice today.

“Good morning, sweetheart!” she greets me with her warm and lovable smile

“Morning!” I smile back and walk to her side to see better what she’s doing “Where’s Louis?” I ask then, because that was kind of my objective when I got up from the comfort of my bed.

“Oh he went out” she answers and I give her a confused look.

“Out?” how so? With who? Alone? He doesn’t know this place and where could he ever walk to?

“Yes dear, for a while now” I look at the time which appears on the oven, 11:30am. “so he must be coming back soon.”

“B-But-“

“Don’t worry, he went out with Gemma.” Now things got worst

“With Gemma? Why?” this is scary and doesn’t make sense

“He asked her.”

“WHAT?” I shout

“Calm down love, she won’t stole your man” She teases and punches me on my arm

“Mom…” I roll my eyes and she giggles.

“You two look so happy, you look so happy… it’s so good to see!” She smiles. She also looks so happy, everyone looks so happy… Jeez this is amazing.

“And I am!” I admit with a stupid smile on my face.

“I’m glad then” She pecks my cheek “Now do something useful and help me with this because there is so much to do till tomorrow…” I see that she won’t tell me where Louis went to and why with Gemma, I’m confused so I’ll just wait to ask him then

“Don’t stress mom,” I chuckle, she usually stresses out with these things, because everything needs to look perfect for Christmas and for our family. I hope Louis will feel okay with half of my family spending Christmas here, but till there we’ve got tonight that it’ll be just the fifth of us “look I have to ask you a favour”

“Yes?”

“So today is Louis’ birthday-“

“Yes…” I’m surprised that she acts like she already knew it

“…So I’m asking you if, well, we can go out at the end of the night… I know it’s Christmas Eve but-“

“Love, you don’t have to tell me these things,” I don’t? “you’re twenty now, I think I don’t have the right to tell you that you can’t go out at night.” She laughs a little

“But it’s Christmas Eve” I repeat

“I heard it the first time and I know,” she jokes, my mom and her jokes… they are worse than mines “and I still don’t have any vote on the matter. But I expect you tomorrow with us.”

“Of course!” I grin

“Good. Let’s cook then!”

Half an hour passes and I hear the noise coming from the front door opening and in the same instant I’m out of the kitchen in a rush, leaving my mom looking at me weirdly, but nothing that I’m not used to.

I reach the hallway and Louis and Gemma are laughing, so it’s good to see that they’re getting along. But I don’t have much time to appreciate it because I literally jump into Louis’ body and wrap my arms around his neck. He’s taking by surprised so we’re both shoved against the wall due the lack of balance but that doesn’t bother me – otherwise him who whimpers from the shock. “Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday!” I shout still hugging him and it’s when I feel his arms around my torso while laughing

“Thank you, you dickhead!” he jokes and I pull away looking at his smiley face, but I drop mine and start playing hurt

“How dare you spending time with my sister without my consent? She could have made you to change your hairstyle!” he laughs and I feel my sister slapping me on my head

“Shut up, dork!”

“I’m sorry!” Louis says, still laughing and I grin again.

~*~

I’m nervous.

I don’t why I am, but I am. It’s already 8:30pm, we already ate dinner so we’re all chatting and I see by the glare Robin and Gemma are giving to the desserts that they want to attack them. But I don’t want to. I didn’t even plan about eating dinner with my parents, I wanted to take Louis out for dinner in a posh restaurant. Or maybe not that posh but one that he would love and could have a drop of a Christmas night. What the hell am I saying?

I’m so stupid, so stupid to the point of being scared to ask Louis to go out with me. His birthday is almost ending and the only thing we did today was playing video games and eating Christmas cookies. He probably had more fun when he went out with Gemma, maybe that was why he went out in the morning. To have a little bit of fun, I still wonder what they did, but whatever Louis preferred to go with Gemma and not with me. Maybe he was tired of my presence and needed a break. He didn’t show it through the day but still…

Why am I even being so insecure about all of this now? I’m never like this, I’m never this nervous… all because I’m still asking myself if I should ask Louis to go out with me or not… what if he says no? What if I screw everything and what I am planning turns to be a shitty idea, what if he prefers to stay here, what if he doesn’t want to spend his birthday alone with me? I play all the what if’s on my head before taking a deep breathe to calm myself down. We’re friends for god sakes, it’s not that much of a big deal…

“Harry?” I hear my sister’s voice, and it’s too loud because it takes me by surprise and I shake a little.

“God dammit Gemma!” I shout back

“Harry…” My mom murmurs, probably due the way I reply to Gemma but it was her who started.

“You weren’t listening the great story I was telling”

“Sorry, I’m sure it was great Gem” I roll my eyes, laughing a little. It was probably something that happened to her on high school that I’m tired of listening.

“Are you okay?” Louis asks me in a tone like he doesn’t want anyone one else to hear

“Yeah.” I nod and I actually turn my head to him to answer, but I’m probably looking behind his shoulders because I can’t looking at him in the eyes right now.

He hums in response and I’m sure I didn’t convince him but he drops the subject anyway, starting talking to my family. They get on really well and I’m so glad of it, it makes me happy to see the most important people for me, being a family. I’m sure he starts telling them some embarrassed moment that happened to me on campus but I don’t even bother myself to hear it because I’m too busy looking at Louis and the way his eyes are focused on the people who are listening to him, the way he talks with his hands, the way his face changes, the way he licks his lips at the end of each sentence and specially the way his lips move when he says my name.

I need to pull my worries away and take him out of here. It’s his birthday and I want to give him the best one. He was supposed to spend it alone but I brought him here expecting to give him the time he deserves to. So I finally start breathing normally and gain the courage to open my mouth when everyone is already laughing by what he just told – I’m not even bothered if they’re mocking me to be honest. “Louis?” I call him and he looks at me, cleaning the small tear in the corner of his eye from laughing

“I’m sorry but I had to tell them-“

“Do you wanna go out with me?” I say out of sudden. Not my best way or place or even moment to ask him but I was afraid that the courage would disappear and the opportunity fade away. He looks at me widely by my words, obviously not expecting them and the room falls in silence. “I mean…” I scratch the back of my neck and the nerves return. What the hell was I thinking? “It-It’s your birthday and, erm, if you want to, we can go out for a bit…” I hear my sister trying to hide her laugh

“Oh,” he frowns. Fuck. “I’m fine spending it this way.” He smiles a bit “Besides, it’s Christmas Eve, I’m sure it’s better if you stay with your family.” An excuse to say he doesn’t want to, I see…

“It’s not,” I try to explain my idea. But I don’t see myself telling him: That’s not what I mean Louis! I want to give you a fun night because it’s your birthday. I want to spend my time only with you so we should hang out. I was never this way with girls like I am with Louis, guys were never this hard to get like Louis is… but I think that’s what makes him special, that’s what makes me see how fucking in love I am with him because I’m not even giving up. “o-okay then…” I lower my head

“Louis, honey, it’s fine!” my mom starts. “You deserve a good birthday and I’m sure you won’t get it spending the whole night talking with us.” She laughs a little. “You two are adults now so don’t let us stop you from doing anything.” I look at my mom and she’s smiling and I’m sure she’s trying to convince Louis. I should be embarrassed by all of this, but I’m not. I suppose my cheeks are a bit rosy but I was always a momma’s boy so bringing the guy I love to my home, to spend Christmas with my family and ask him out on the dinner table in front of them is something almost natural for me. Or not… really what was I thinking?!

“You su-sure it’s fine?” for my surprise Louis seems to find this more normal and not that embarrassed than I think. Or he’s just a really good actor.

“I wouldn’t be saying it, if it wasn’t!” My mom replies and I didn’t even notice that Gemma and Robin aren’t in the table for a while because they’re already bringing the dessert to their plates.

“Oh, thanks then.” Louis smiles a little “I suppose we can go then” he looks at me and his smiles turns to be bigger.

But is he saying that we can go or he wants to go? There is a little difference here for me. But I nod and we stand up from the chairs. “I need to go dress myself first…” I’m not going in sweat pants and a sweater, dressed 

“Okay!” he says and I suppose he needs to change now too because he’s wearing the same as me.

“Thanks!” I mumble to my mom before we walk away from the living room to the stairs.

Louis is confused, I’m sure, and he wants to ask me something but he shuts himself when he opens his mouth. I try to ignore it because I have so many thoughts on my head and questions to make him and I decide not to as well. It’s coming all at once in this short period of time with us walking upstairs to the hall.

I think this will have a different meaning for me to what will have for Louis. I think he didn’t get what I tried to make him understand by that simple question. I didn’t explain it too, but I was hoping he could understand. He makes me confused but there is nothing that I can do to clear my doubts… this is getting too weird again and I was clean from this thoughts this morning and I was better that way…

“Harry,” I hear Louis, when I’m about to open the door from my room, while he’s in front of the door from the guest’s room. I was so distracted with this again... I turn around to face him “erm, I-I… what do I need to w-wear?” is he nervous?

“Clothes would be good!” I joke to make this tension go away.

He rolls his eyes with the same expression he always makes; I was kinda missing it tho’ “Funny,” he mocks “but really are we just going to walk around in the street? I mean-“

I laugh a little “No, I have all planed! You can wear whatever you please to”

“Oh, okay then” he says and when I open my door and I’m about to get into my room “Harry?” he calls me

“Yeah, Lou?” I don’t even know why I am smiling

“Is this-Is this going to… to be a date?” he asks and the smile I give to him now is nothing compared to the other I was giving

“Just if you want to.” He nods and I think that’s all I need, basically because that’ll be probably the best I will get from him now.

I actually don’t take much time dressing myself, for my surprise really, because for the first time I really bothered to dress nicely, I’m even dressing my velvet green jacket that never thought I’d to because I think it’s too fancy for me. But due the weather and the occasion I think it’s a good opportunity.

“Lou, are you going to take-“

“I’m almost done” he interrupts me when I knock at the door from the room. I rest my back on the wall next to it, waiting for him and it’s when I remember…

Louis’ POV

Once again I’m regretting not packing my stuff, because Harry, apparently, doesn’t know how to do it. He even put on my bag two t-shirts, as if I was going to wear them, but didn’t think about warm clothes. So of course I take more time to decide what I should wear. Not that I’m really concerned about it… okay I might be a little. This is going to be… a date. Yeah, Harry and I are going on a date.

Holy shit, Harry and I are going on a date. This can’t be happen… this is so weird and shouldn’t be happening.

“Is this-Is this going to… to be a date?”

“Just if you want to.”

Well, the smile he gave me was something to keep, he looked happy and at the same time… relived? It’s Christmas so I think I should give him this happiness. I don’t know what it means… to be honest I don’t know what this all thing means, but somehow it’s making me happy as well and I’m much more relaxed and-

“Lou, are you going to take-“

“I’m almost done” I shout back, interrupting him. I quickly put my shoes on, dress my denim jacket with fur and decide to wear Harry’s beanie since I didn’t give him back the last time I wore it.

When I look at the nightstand I see the small package that has Harry’s Christmas present. Gemma made me the favour to put it here so Harry couldn’t notice it. If it wasn’t her I didn’t know what I could have bought him. Not that I don’t know Harry’s likes and dislikes, I just don’t have the ability to buy presents, especially to Harry. Last year for his birthday I ended up to give him a music CD and at first sight it seems to be a good present… but the reality is; I found it in his things when we were in his last year’s dorm and decided to wrap it and give to him again for his birthday. I’m not sure if he realised that it was the same or not, because he said he already had it but the next day he told me that he had lost it so he was really grateful.

I grab it and put on my pocket. “I’m ready-“ I say when open the door from the room but Harry isn’t here as I expected. I decide to walk downstairs and it’s when I see him coming from outside. I frown

He takes some time looking at me and I’m sure he just checked me out. I hope I look decent “I see you’re ready! I was just taking the car from the garage.” He gives me a small smile and I nod “We’re going!” He shouts and his mother says something but Gemma talks at the same time so we end up going outside without understanding what they meant.

It’s not snowing anymore, like it was this afternoon, but it’s really cold. Thankfully I discovered a kind of warm shirt – to be honest I almost forgot that I owned it so Harry probably just put it on the bag – and I might or might not be wearing one of the t-shirts underneath and the coat I’m wearing is warmer than might seem.

While we walk to the car Harry doesn’t stop looking at me from my head to toe and I don’t understand if it’s good or bad by the look he has “Do I look that bad?” I ask in annoyance stopping middle way and looking at him. I hope I don’t look that bad, because he looks fucking good. I never saw him dressing as well as he is right now. Of course is the same black skinny jeans that he wears probably every day, but the jacket suits him perfectly and I always loved the black sweater with holes he’s wearing.

He’s taken by surprise with my question for what it seems, because he seems embarrassed “NO! Hum, fuck, no. You look amazing Lou!” He stammers, scratching his nape. He’s nervous since we started dinner and I’m not gonna lie and say that I don’t enjoy to see him like this once in a while.

“Oh,” he wasn’t going to lie just so I wouldn’t feel bad, I know he couldn’t lie this way “thanks then!” I grin “You don’t look bad yourself.” I decide to say, but saying this isn’t enough to describe how good he looks to be fair.

“Hum, so I look okay?” He gives me his cocky look, which sometimes pisses me off – but not the case now – and I nod. If I say that he looks better than okay he’ll start with shits and being annoying all night. I know him “Just okay?!”

I sight “Fine. You look hot now let’s go!” I say and I can’t believe the words that come out of my mouth. I decide not to break my confidence and screw my move, walking towards the car in a quick step. Meanwhile Harry is opened mouth because I never complimented him this way so I’m as surprised as him.

~*~

Harry took me to a winter fair. A winter fair. That’s not only one of the most amazing thing someone could have surprised me with, but also one of the cutest. It seems to be nothing, and he thought the same at first, even after I had frozen looking at the place, with my eyes wide open and my mouth like an “o”, but I don’t know if he knew it already or if it was pure coincidence but I love this kind of things. Maybe Gemma told him when I commented with her that I liked this kind of things, when we walked behind the place when we went shopping, I don’t know but this our date couldn’t be in a better place than this, really.

And the place itself is beautiful, there are lights everywhere and little houses where we can buy things or even play games, the snow makes it even more special and it makes me feel the Christmas spirit I didn’t feel for a long time. It reminds me the amusement park where we go in London even if it’s a little bit different, but the concept is the same.

I think we might have been walking in circles but I see different things every time. There are people playing music around, a human nativity scene and I can’t believe the amount of people that are here. Kids and their parents, old couples, young couples, group of friends… there are all the types so I suppose it’s a good way to spend Christmas Eve.

We already stopped in a bunch of tents to play games – Harry won one, because I let him to, while I won the others, I’m not surprised – and in another one to eat chocolate, and let me tell a thing, it was freaking delicious. I’m having so much fun that I can’t even feel the cold air. Harry is in that funny mood and I need to take advantage of it, because it’s the time he tells the best jokes, the funniest things and laughs about everything; and his laugh is just contagious.

“This is the best birthday I’ve ever had Harry!” I say suddenly, while chuckling. I just felt the need to tell him that since he was so insecure if I’d enjoy it or not.

“Is it really?” he stops, making me give two steps by myself after stopping as well and look back at him.

“Yeah.” I give him a genuine smile but I think I can’t beat his. His eyes are sparkling and I don’t even care if it’s the lights or not but it’s beautiful. His eyes look more grey than green but it’s just special to see, because it’s amazing how they turn from green to grey in the winter; his cheeks are flushed as well as his nose, the corner of his eyes are crinkling and he’s looking at me in fond… god I just want to hug him right now.

“I’m so glad then!” But it’s him who hugs me. It’s a quick hug, but so warm and enough to make me smell his natural perfume. I giggle when he pulls back “Come with me,” he grabs my hands tightly and I walk in a quick step behind him. “There is going to be fireworks and we need to find the best place to watch them” he says and I decide to just smile to myself.

Fireworks now would be perfect. This whole thing is perfect, I couldn’t ask for better. He’s been so gentle with me, not only by the way he thought about this, but the way he’s been talking with me, the way he leads me to the places he wants to show me... This small things make me feel so special and… loved. Harry loves me and I’m so grateful for it even if I can’t say it loud and don’t think about it often; but it’s the truth, and he proves it every day.

We stop next to a small lake where there is a park bench where we sit on. It’s right next to the fair so the lights reach the place. Holmes Chapel is beautiful I need to admit it, this small things make the place so comfy and perfect to live in, I notice how Harry is proud of living this here and now I know that his family is not the only reason why he loves coming home. It’s his childhood, the places that made him growing up, made him enjoy and see life with other eyes. He appreciates every moment he lives and he sees it with every detail possible and all started here.

“It’s almost starting!” He says looking at the sky and I just notice when the fireworks actually start when I hear the noise. But I don’t look at them, I keep looking at Harry’s face. It’s from pure joy, his dimples are showing and the lights from the sky reflex on his face. I give with myself smiling, I should be watching the sky but instead I’m looking at him without his notice, but the truth is that I never looked at Harry. Like, really looked. His faces deserves to be watched with attention, I see his face every day but never stopped a minute to observe it. Small details from it that I thought I didn’t need to know but that I actually need to. For example, the freckle he has between his chin and lips, the shape of his nose that I always found it weird, now watching it better, I find it cute and it fits him. Harry is beautiful and I can’t believe, after all this time, I just notice it now. I never realized how he looked at things, like he was looking at a piece of art, how his face really looks when he’s happy… I always realised how he looks at me and how he smiles at me and how he looks around me, but sometimes I think I need to see the other side of the things. I also think I need to take a moment to admire and appreciate his eyes because they’re gorgeous and-fuck he’s staring back at me “Hello!” He smiles happily and it’s when I blush and look away at the sky. The fireworks didn’t stop yet so I need to enjoy it before it ends. I hear him chuckling by my side and he gets closer to me so now our forearms and tights are touching. “So cute!” he says and I shake my head. My face is burning and suddenly I’m not cold anymore, it’s actually hot. I think it’s how he says I am cute. It always hits me in a way it shouldn’t.

“Stop.” I mumble

“It was you who were staring!” he mocks

“Fine…” I roll my eyes even if I’m still looking up “Look at the fireworks!”

“I prefer looking at you!” He teases and I look quickly at him and of course he’s smirking. Also, our faces are dangerously close and once again I’m not breathing properly.

“J-Jerk.” I stammer, compose yourself Louis!

“Hum, hum” I think he doesn’t realise that he just agreed with that because he leans over and it’s when I feel his cold lips pressed against mines. Fuck I didn’t know I missed them.

He rests his hand on my cheek, pulling me closer and compared to my face they’re freezing. But as soon as I recover from the shock and he moves his lips to kiss me, I close my eyes like him and kiss him back, because why not? It’s not like I see him only as a friend.


	25. Chapter 25

The kiss is slow and Harry traces the lines from my face with his thumb and I think it’s just the most lovable thing he could do now. It makes me feel more and makes me want to know more about this feeling. I wanted to keep going but Harry pulls away as quick as our lips connected.

“I just forgot…!” he says suddenly, he had to screw the moment. “Stay here, I’ll be back soon!” he stands up from the bank and I stay frozen looking at him running away. He’s so freaking weird, I mean we just kissed and just like that he pulls away and disappears, leaving me confused and with the words I wanted to say stuck on my throat.

I’m not sure about what I was going to say when we eventually pulled away, but I wanted to say something… something that could have meaning for him, because this was so special and I don’t know what made me change my mind. Just four weeks ago I was treating him like shit and thinking about fifty ways to kill him and one of them included while he was sleeping or in the shower, and now I just said to myself that I see him more than a friend. And fuck, I always said to myself that this would never happen…

“At least, do you feel something for him?”

“I…”

“And don’t answer that you don’t know Louis, a person knows this kind of things. The only problem here is that you can’t admit it to yourself.”

She was right, the only problem here was that I always told myself that this would be impossible so reality didn’t hit me, so maybe if I kept denying, this day would never come. But I let myself losing on him and forgot about that. I still don’t know if it’s a good thing or not.

I put my hands on the pockets from my jacket to keep them warm, and feel a thing on the right one. Harry’s present. Almost forgot about it. I have to give him that. I hope he likes it… I think it’s nothing special but I didn’t find something that could be as special as I thought this one would be. I was so excited to find a present to him when I went out with Gemma, that even she noticed it.

“Sorry!” Harry says, breaking my thoughts. He might have taken more time than it seems.

I look up at him. He’s trying to catch his breath with his hands on his knees and he has a bag with him. “It’s fine… I think!” I tilt my head looking at him and then he sits next to me again.

“Here,” he hands me the bag with a smile that reaches ear to ear. “hope you like it”

“What is it?” I grab it and look at him

“Your present, of course. It’s two in one if you don’t mind.”

“I thought my present was the ticket and… this,” I point around, trying to make myself clear. I really thought he wouldn’t buy me anything this year. I don’t even remember the day he went out so he could buy this. And everything he has done for me would be enough

“Oh, it also can be, but I wanted to give you that anyway.” He says still smiling and it’s contagious. “C’mon open it!”

From the shape of the package I can tell that is a book. I quickly unwrap it and when I see the blue cover my eyes shine and my mouth falls open “Holy shit, Harry!” I look at him and at the book at time, surprised.

“Did you like it?” by the look and grin he’s giving me, he knows too damn well that I did, I did like it.

“I fucking loved it, oh my god.” I can’t believe he remembered

-

“Wouldn’t it be the same if you read it online?” Harry asks, he doesn’t understand

“Harry, the fault in our stars is a book that deserves my full attention and I have to feel the book in my hands.” I look up at him from the book I am currently reading

“It’s the same thing” he rolls his eyes

“A book needs to be felt! I need to feel the emotions that it has to offer me.” I say in the softest tone I can manage to make

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” it might be, but it’s what I always say.

“You’re stupid.” I sigh and look at the book again. Why do I even waste time talking about this with him? And why do he keeps coming with me to library if he just stays next to me playing on his phone?!

“Okay. But why don’t you buy it then?” another thing he doesn’t understand

“I have to save money, I can’t buy these things now. Besides I tried to look for it on the closest libraries but it’s nowhere to be seen.” I say and he doesn’t say anything else. I wish I could buy that book. I already know the plot and how well people talk about it and how emotional they felt after reading it. But it’s frustrating that I can’t find it now, it’s not even for the money though.

“Is it that important to you?” he asks some minutes later. I look at him and he’s looking carefully back at me.

“Yeah, it is…” I sigh, but for now I have to forget about that purchase. I don’t even have time to read it at the moment.

-

“How? How did you find it?” I ask still in shock

“I have my contacts,” he winks at me and I don’t even want to know more. I put the book at the side and jump to his lap to hug him by his neck

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” I say repeatedly hugging him tightly. He giggles and wraps his arms around my waist.

“You’re welcome babe.” Babe, he doesn’t call me that in ages and for the first time it sounds so well in my ears. I pull away and I don’t know why but I feel emotional. Not in the way that makes me burst into tears, just on the inside, I’m crying with happiness on the inside. I don’t understand this, but the fact that he gave to the work of looking for this, the fact that he remembered, the way he’s just being so gentle and kind to me… I could have been spending this day alone in the dorm, but I’m here with Harry. “What’s wrong?” He looks at me concerned. I think I’m just too into my thoughts for my soul being present right now. I didn’t even move from Harry’s lap

“Nothing.” I say right away, taking my hands from around his neck and resting them on his chest and he looks closer at me “I’m just happy.” I smile and I think it’s enough for him to do the same and stop worrying. “Happy for being here with you!”

“I am too” his smile is just the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

My mind makes a click and I take the package from my pocket to hand him it “Here,” he looks at it for some seconds and then he grabs it and I don’t feel his hand rested on my tight anymore “at first I thought this would be a good idea but after what you gave me I feel like this is shitty”

“Don’t say it,” he looks better at the small box and then opens it carefully. He’s being so gentle with it, almost like he’s afraid that it’s going to break into pieces. When he looks at the inside and takes the necklace from the box, he spends some time examining it, as if he’s trying to understand. He looks surprised, or admired, or is it just a frown? I honestly don’t understand his expression but I bet he doesn’t like it.

“It’s like my tattoo, you see?” I roll up the sleeves and point at it so he takes his eyes from the necklace and looks at my arm. “You don’t like it? It’s too cheesy isn’t it? I knew it!” I beginning to panic “But Gemma said you liked these kind of things and I also knew you had some necklaces so I had this idea, but if you don’t like-“

“Lou!” he might have shouted my name, but I think I’m talking too loud and quickly to pay attention to him so easily. “Lou, calm down,” he chuckles and I take a deep breath. “Jeez, I loved it!” he smiles and his voice sounds happy “I really loved it, I mean, it makes me feel… special!” he slowly leans over to me but I notice he’s hesitating because he moves from my lips to my cheek and places there a soft kiss. “From now on,” he puts the necklace around his neck “I’ll always be using it.” He grins. “Thank you so much!”

“I-It’s fine.” It seems like a big weight got out from my shoulders. I was wondering if he’d like it or not, and after the present he gave me I feel like this is nothing. But they say that what counts is the intention, right? And that necklace has so much meaning, not only because of my tattoo, but how I felt when I bought it and the moment I gave to him.

“So I don’t need to feel jealous about this morning?” I raise my eyebrow “You and my sister... You two hang out this morning because of this?”

“Yeah…” I admit, somehow flushed and he chuckles, picking my nose.

“Well at least this time you gave me something that it wasn’t already mine”

He laughs and I look widely at him “You knew?”

“Do you think I’m that stupid?” he plays mad but laughs right away “I just didn’t want you to feel bad.”

“I wouldn’t feel…” I joke

“I know” he laughs. The way I acted around him that time, compared to how I am acting this days is completely different.

~*~

I open my eyes and I’m faced with the familiar green eyes. “Good morning” Harry smiles and I feel his hand rested above my waist, pulling me even closer to his warm chest. I don’t even get uncomfortable anymore by knowing that he’s probably awake for a while but he just took the opportunity to look at me. I already told him that is creepy and I don’t like it, but it’s useless. It’s like talking to a wall.

“Morning!” I answer lazily, unable to stretch myself.

We went late to bed last night. We ended up taking another walk and I might have allowed Harry to interlace our hands together. The feeling was good, I don’t know what it is to feel like home but I’m almost sure that it’s what I felt the whole night. When we arrived home we stayed in the kitchen, drinking tea and eating cake. The candle that was illuminating the kitchen was the same that we used to sing me happy birthday. Well, just Harry sang, and it was in a whisper. I just wanted to laugh because it was stupid… but at the same time it was cute and I just couldn’t stop smiling. By the moment we went upstairs and I sat on Harry’s bed, was the moment I fell asleep so I can’t even remember the conversation we had.

“Merry Christmas!” he whispers and I hum in response. I’m still sleepy so I’m half awake, half asleep. He already knows that I don’t function by this time in the morning, so he understands. And he’s very lucky that I am not being grumpy… and I’m very surprised that I don’t act like that for a long time. Usually I’d shout at him for waking me up, for hearing his voice so early in the morning; but we’ve been sleeping in the same bed since the day I came to this house and I don’t feel the need of doing that.

I start feeling him playing with my hair and I’m so relaxed and warm that don’t even bother to move away to stop him. His body is so warm and soft… it makes me want to know all the details of it, to explore him… WOAH calm down Louis, you’re going too far.

I hear him chuckling “Are you enjoying it?” when I hear it, it’s like I wake up completely.

“What?” I look up at him and I just realise that I’m picking him in the chest with my fingertips, when I stop it.

“You just moaned Louis!” I need to stop this.

“What?” I say in a louder tone. Why am I not moving away? Why am I not acting like I used to?

He pulls my face closer to him by my chin “I’d kiss you…” he says in a hoarse tone. Fuck. “but you have bad morning breath!” he says and leaves the bed, with my mouth half open in indignation

“What?” it’s the third time in a row that I’m saying this. He just laughs “You asshole,” I sit up looking at him dressing himself. He’s mocking me. “and who said I wanted you to kiss me?” I cross my arms in my chest. I’m with one of his sweaters and in my underwear, so I suppose he dressed me last night after I fell asleep.

“Don’t fuck with me, I know you wanted.” He teases

“Excuse me? I didn’t.” the problem is, I think I’m lying

“Your body said the otherwise.” He looks at me with a smirk and winks. Fucking winks.

“Bastard.” I grit out

“Stop grumbling and get your ass up from my bed. We’ve a lot to do before my family arrives.” Right, Harry’s family…

“Lou?” his tone turns back to normal when I stay in the same place playing with the sheets. I hear him coming back to my side and sits next to me “Hey, babe?” He rests his hand on my shoulder; my heart is beating so fast…

“Isn’t this going to be weird?” I ask looking up at him.

He knows what I’m talking about. “No… no it won’t,” he squeezes my shoulder “don’t think too much about this. It’s going to be all right. My family is not creepy” he laughs a little but then stops right away “except my aunt Janie. She’s a bit snob and… hum… don’t worry I know how to deal with her.”

“That doesn’t make me feel any better.”

He sighs “Just… just remind yourself that I’m going to be always next to you.”

~*~

And he was. He is. I always overreact in this situations, but I was scared and wondering about what his family could think about me. But it was all fine. His grandparents arrived around seven and I must say, Anne’s mother is just the kindest and sweetest person I’ve ever met. She was so nice with me and well she finds me cute which made Harry laugh and I didn’t get the reason why. Then Robin’s brother arrived with his wife and their son, who is only two years younger from me and Harry, and finally Harry’s aunt with her six years old daughter who is making me and Harry company since we finished dinner. I thought it would be strange and that I’d feel really out of place, but at the end, it went pretty well. Everyone is so alive, funny and talkative, just the way Harry is and I can see how happy he’s in these occasions.

“So your Christmas is always like this?” I ask Harry. We’re sat on the couch, while his cousin, Charlotte is between us two. Everyone else is chatting and I think Gemma and Eric, Robin’s brother’s son, are preparing themselves to play karaoke.

“Pretty much, yes.” He answers looking back at me “I mean… it just gotten this joyful after my mom started with Robin. There was a year when we didn’t have Christmas because of all the things that were going around.” He stops for some seconds “My aunt got divorced as well, while Charlotte had only months.” The girl looks up at him, stopping playing with her doll, probably by hearing her name “She started saying shi-bad things,” he corrects himself looking at the kid. She’s only six I don’t think she’ll understand. “to my mom. That she warned her that marriage doesn’t work, she was always deluded by thinking her life was perfect and they got in a fight. I don’t really know the details about it, it was always Gemma who have told me this and there were things she omitted…” I think it was better for little Harry not knowing about all the bad stuff his family was going through. Even now I see how bad he feels for talking about this, but somehow I feel grateful that he’s sharing it with me.

“But things do really get better after all, hum?”

“It seems so.” He gives his best to smile again “Thanks.”

I look at him confused “For what?”

“Hearing me talking about my problems. I feel like you haven’t done anything else except that.”

“You know it’s not true. And you heard about mines too, so it’s fair.” He gives me a small smile and nods.

“We knew each other for a year and didn’t know this things about each other…” he’s right

“I think we never bothered to know them…” our friendship was too weird for that, and I never thought Harry and I would reach this point, but I actually feel good that he now knows all of this. I like to know that I’ve someone who cares for me like he cares and someone who listens to me with such concern and attention. He’s so special and I never realised it.

“I think you’re right...” he says and I don’t know what got in our minds, but for the first time we explore our gaze for a moment and I don’t feel weird or uncomfortable. It feels needed.

But is soon interrupted by a tiny voice “Lewis?” Charlotte pulls the sleeve from my shirt so I can give attention to her and Harry chuckles probably by the name she called me

“It’s Louis, sweetheart!” I say in a soft tone, looking at the girl. She’s gorgeous. Her hair seems to be so thin and it’s light brunette, almost blonde, her eyes are big and they’re a mixture of green and blue and her skin is very pail. She’s so small between us two that looks younger than six.

She nods but I know she won’t get it right the next time as well “Can you hold my doll?” she asks. But it’s not really a question because she hands me the doll straight away not allowing me to say a word. “Play with me, I’m bored!”

“I-I don’t-“

“I’m afraid Louis doesn’t know how to play with you, Charlotte” Harry interrupts, joking and I give him a glower

“Play you then.” She grabs the doll from my hands and gives to Harry this time. He looks at the toy widely and by his face I know he doesn’t know what to do either

“Well, well, well!” I raise my eyebrow and he gives me a grimace and then the little girl pouts. “Do you even know how to deal with kids?” I laugh.

“More or less.” He shrugs. I may not know what to do when I have a doll in my hands, but I know how to deal with kids. I had to take care of my sisters when I was younger so.

“You never play with me Harry.” Charlotte pouts again and it’s actually amusing to see how she looks at Harry.

“You could have chosen a better cousin, Lottie.” I chuckle but then realize the name I just called the girl

“Lottie?” Harry frowns and the girl looks at me confused, but somehow she offers me a smile which makes me feel better but not enough to stop myself to look down at my lap and feeling the strange and unwelcome emptiness on my chest.

“I’m sorry.” I look up and force a smile “Charlotte.” I correct myself “I think it just came out.” I sigh.

“Lou?” He asks concerned. I was never good at hiding these kind of things and even if I could, Harry would notice that something was wrong anyway. “What’s wrong?” He puts the girl in his lap to be closer to me and I feel Charlotte pulling the sleeve from my shirt once again.

“It’s nothing.” My voice cracks

“Are you crying?” I hear the tiny and sweet voice

“No, I’m not sweetie” I look at Charlotte and give her a small smile to make sure is okay and hoping that Harry sees it too.

“Louis…” Harry makes me look at him and his green eyes show sadness and concern.

I sight deeply “It’s nothing, really… But one of my sisters was named Charlotte too and we used to call her Lottie. I don’t know why this came up now but it made me remind my family and wondering what they’re doing right now. If they’re okay…”

“Go talk to your family, Louis!” The little girl says and I chuckle, pecking her cheek.

“It’s not that easy, Charlotte.”

“But if you’re sad you should talk to them.” She says innocently “Harry doesn’t want to see you sad and I don’t want that too.” I smile with her words, her little voice makes everything all right.

“Thank you sweetie.” I smile, now truly

“You know that she’s right Louis.” Harry speaks finally and I give my attention to him “You never thought about that? Calling them? Visiting them?”

“I did.” Especially when the lack of them is stronger, especially when I’m alone and especially since I arrived here. I see how happy Harry is with his family and it makes me think if I could feel like that with mine, how is that feeling… would I ever feel like that, if I kept contact with them? “But it was me who chose to leave.” And that’s the only reason I can say at the moment.

“But you could visit them, even talk to them. I know they’d be happy to see you.”

“They never cared Harry…” he gives me a sad look and even if he still has something to say he chooses not to. Instead he takes my hand and squeezes it and I look at the gesture.

“Well, you can call me Lottie,” Charlotte says suddenly “and I’ll call you Lou.” I look at her and she smiles “And let’s imagine that we’re a family tonight.” She suggests happily. “We can be all be brothers and sister” Harry laughs a little

“It seems okay” I say now feeling better. Right now she reminds me Harry. Her eyes are shining and her smile is big and bright. 

“Or…” she makes a thoughtful look “You and Harry can marry and I’ll be your daughter. Is that okay too?” She asks still with a smile and I shock, looking widely at her while Harry just laughs.

“I don’t know if that’s possible, Charlotte.” I say, composing myself

“Yes it is!” she says putting his hand in front of me as if she’s making me shut up. “Now let’s see.” She looks at Harry with the same thoughtful face that she made previously “I’ll call you mommy and Louis daddy!” Harry laughs loudly this time and I shake my head. The girl seems to be indifferent from the fact of having two dads. Is that bad? Well I don’t think so, but if everyone was like this little girl, everyone would be treated the same way. “See, you have a family now Lou!”

I smile at her and don’t contain myself to give her a quick hug “Thank you Lottie.”

Harry gets even closer to me, making the girl sit in both of our legs and he puts his arm around my shoulders “So tell me, husband, what are your plans for tonight?” He smirks

“Harry!” I shout but Lottie seems not to understand what he said so she laughs along Harry. “You’re sick.”

“We’re married, you can’t say that.” He keeps smirking and then leans over to kiss my cheek. I sure am blushing especially because Lottie starts clapping her hands with a grin in his face. She’s really cute.

“I see that the party is here!” Anne appears with her sister beside her. I can’t believe that these two women are siblings, they’re so different and not only from appearance. Mrs Janie has her hair, for what it seems to be, dyed dark red. Her eyes are almost the same colour as her daughter while Anne’s are darker, she is also younger than Anne but their face features are completely different. And while Anne always wears a smile, this woman wears a frown.

Harry was right when he told she’s kinda snob but that’s not only, she seems a bit rude as if she was mad with the world all the time, I’m actually surprised that her daughter didn’t lose the glow. I didn’t see her laughing, smiling or even talking normally like the other people are doing since the night begun.

“Lou and Harry are playing with me” Lottie says. I hope she doesn’t end up like her mother but more like her aunt

“That’s great honey” Anne smiles, walking closer towards us “And what are you playing at?”

“Lou was sad so Harry and I gave him a family. So now they’re married and my parents.” She smiles, once again innocently.

“That’s so sweet.” Anne smiles to all the three of us

“Excuse me?” Her sister walks beside her and her voice doesn’t seem happy. Well, it sounds the same basically.

“Don’t worry mommy, it’s just for tonight. Then I’ll be back to be yours” she smiles widely. I don’t know how she deals with her mother and how her mother deals with her. The little girl is so happy, I bet they live on their own so I can’t understand how she is so alive upon life. It’s probably the age. 

I notice how tense Harry gets next to me when his aunt approaches. “That’s impossible to happen Charlotte!” the woman almost shouts

“Janie, do not start. They’re only playing.” Unlike Anne who is talking softly and calmly

“It’s not impossible mommy. Harry and Louis are in love.” Oh shit.

Harry gets even tenser by my side and when I look at him, he keeps looking at her mother, almost asking for help. I don’t know why all of this, but I know something is going wrong. “Charlotte!” this time she really shouts making the girl jumping in our lap “You’re going to the table with me. This boys are already putting things in your head.” She tries to grab Lottie’s hand but she pulls away her mother’s touch

“Janie, stop this.” Anne says to the angry woman. I don’t know what’s up with all of this but I can’t say anything, I can’t even move.

“But they are-“ she tries to speak but then I see Harry standing up from the sofa

“There is no need to make this.” His voice is calm, but he doesn’t sound like he normally does. When he turns around I see his firm expression. I might know what he’s thinking and feeling right now. “C’mon Charlotte, let’s go to the table all together.” He says and raises his hand so the girl can grab it. She does, but also makes sure I grab the other one so I can follow them together.

~*~

After that episode the night went normally, like anything have happened. Harry seemed okay and he was acting as he always does with me and with everyone else. But I noticed how he made his best to avoid conversations between his aunt, so he was as far as possible from her.

Apart from that, I loved the night and I actually felt really happy. Harry was always by my side, as promised but Lottie didn’t leave us either. I even had the opportunity to know and talk better with Eric. He’s a cool guy and for what it seems Harry thinks the same, so even if they aren’t relatives, they see each other as friends. And for what I saw and Harry told me Gemma and him get along really well so I think that’s one of the reasons that made Harry see him as a good friend as he sees.

It was half past one in the morning when everyone went home. Lottie said she wants to see me again and to be fair, I want to see that little girl again as well. I hope that when she grows up, will be as lively as she is now.

So it’s now 2am and I’m already laid down in Harry’s bed while he’s just preparing himself. I don’t know if by now Anne noticed that I’m sleeping in Harry’s room, but a part of me hopes not.

I keep my hands under my head and look at the ceiling, waiting for Harry to warm up the other side of the bed. “Feeling all right there?” I hear his voice and I look at the side. He’s only in boxers so I quickly turn my head away again. Of course he laughs a little, but I can’t allow myself to look at him when he’s that way, or I don’t know…

“Erm, y-yeah.” I answer, and I am actually. “I’m great.” I say firmer now.

“Good then.” I hear him getting closer and closer, till I feel the bed moving while he lays down next to me. When I look at the side once again, to look at him, he’s in the same position as me and I wonder what he’s thinking about.

“Thank you.” It’s enough to stop whatever the thoughts he was having, to look at me. “Thank you for everything…” I look away “If it wasn’t you I’d be on campus, depressing. Indeed, bringing me here wasn’t the only thing you did to me that I need to thank you for. You’re amazing with me and-“ I’m interrupted with the weight of his body on top of mine. He holds my face in both of his hands and without further delay kisses me. I hold my breath without realising due the simple fact of being so connected to him this way. How our lips are touching, how he’s kissing and touching me, how I can feel the warmth of his body and how… how I am enjoying this.

I pass my hands up and down his bare back and, fuck, I hate him for being only in boxers. I have to complain at him about it, it’s fucking freezing, I know he does this to tease me; although his skin is warmer compared to my hands. I love the way he caresses my face with his thumbs and how our bodies react to one other touch. This is still weird, still not right… but I don’t want to stop, especially now.

It’s our longer kiss and this time, for the first time, I open my mouth, allowing his tongue to enter and it’s when I feel this even more weird and wrong. Do I want to stop now? No. Fuck, no.

He explores my mouth, our tongues move in sync while he moves his hands down my body and puts them under my shirt and fuck this is hot. The way he touches my skin is irresistible so I sink my fingers in his hair and I realise how much I wanted to do this for ages. I never thought I could react this way at him.

“Lou…” he moans and I feel the vibration going down my throat so I can’t contain myself of moaning along. I open my eyes and it’s like he feels mines on his because he opens them as well and we stay with our lips lightly brushing, looking at each other. I can examine him now. His face his flushed and his hair is a mess. I bet I look the same, but with the different that he looks freaking hot. I hate this guy. Why does he has to look good in every situation?

But just like any other, he acts like a dork. He has pulled away so he can laugh, but I still feel his warm breathe on my lips. I shake my head, biting my lip and can’t contain myself from laughing as well. “I don’t know why we’re laughing.” I comment but don’t stop, and so doesn’t him.

“I don’t know either.” He laughs, sitting up, but still on top of me, with his legs parted next to my tights and with his hands rested on my chest.

“You tosser.” I say pushing him away from my lap, making him fall on the mattress, although, being the clumsy he is, ends up falling into the floor with a squeal.

“I could have died!” he plays mad and I move from my place to look down from the bed at him, laughing. “Stop joking, this is serious”

“You didn’t die Harry,” I shake my head, chuckling “now get your ass to the bed.” And help him getting up

“You hate me.” he says laying down

“I do.” I don’t.

“That’s supposed to be the time when you say the otherwise, but okay.”

“Oops.” I laugh while he pouts. We stay in silence now, calming ourselves down and recovering our breath, till I finally decide to crawl to his side and wrap my arms around his body, resting my head on his shoulder. He seems surprised with it but as soon as I can tell, he’s wrapping his arms around mine as well, holding me. “So what’s up with your aunt?” I decide to bring up the subject that was hovering my head since the incident happened. He doesn’t answer and I start to wonder if it was a good idea bringing this up “Sorry,” I sigh and look up to see his face, but he doesn’t look back at me “you don’t wanna talk…” I infer.

“I don’t understand,” he’s mad, I can tell he’s mad, but his voice doesn’t show it, only his face. “Charlotte has no problem with two guys being together and she’s six! Six years old, dammit! While that woman has nearly forty and can’t deal with the fact that has a gay nephew.”

I don’t move from our position, since he doesn’t too. But I look at him in surprise “You’re gay?”

He looks at me, frowning as if I just said the most stupid things in the world “I’m not straight for sure, am I Louis?” he laughs a little now

“Right.” I look away “So your family knows?”

“Who needs to know, knows.” It’s his answer “She was the only one who had problems with it. I can’t understand her, she’s always mad with the world… and the way she talks with me, seems to be her way to get away with her pain.”

“Harry…”

“It’s true. I feel sorry for little Charlotte. She’s such a good girl, always smiling and playing around but I think when she grows up, she’s going to be like her mother.”

“God, I hope not.”

“I know right? But it’s only her and Janie… and I bet she’s just like this around us, because she can’t be herself around her own mother.” He makes a pause “It makes me feel sad…”

“Don’t,” I look at him and take his face in my hands, making him look at me. I don’t know the right words to tell him now and it’s frustrating, but I need to say something. “Harry don’t be sad because of this. I know it must be hard but you already have so many people who support you… do you think you need more?”

“She’s my mother’s sister…” he whispers

“I know… however you know her, better than me for sure, but I can tell already that is not her who will make you happy. Is you who will build your happiness, even if you didn’t have anyone to support you in this, it still would be you so there is no difference. It doesn’t matter.” I want to say that she doesn’t matter, but it wouldn’t be right. I think that woman is a lost hope and it’s useless for Harry bothering himself with her. “Please…” I just want him to feel all right. I want to make him feeling all right, like he makes me.

He nods “You’re right.” He gives me a small smile and rests his hand above mine “Thank you Louis.” He hugs me. It’s a weird position to give a hug to someone but it’s still… comfortable, so I don’t pull away, instead I respond to the embrace and it’s like this that we fall asleep. My head on his chest, our arms holding each other… I try to think that it’s okay, this is okay. I’m happy like this, so it’s fine, I don’t need to think the otherwise because I like to have Harry by my side this way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just noticed that i already have kudos , some hits and even bookmarks .. man i honestly thought i wasn't going to have anything of that hahahah but well thank you and if you're enjoying this story well i'm so glad and i love you , don't be afraid to say something bellow .  
> i give you here my social networks, yknow fandom things and stuff i can follow you back on twitter and instagram with no problem :) 
> 
> Tumblr: fresharold.tumblr.com 
> 
> Twitter: twitter.com/blu3v3ins
> 
> Instagram: @blu3v3ins


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just to tell you guys, i'm writing a fanfic at the moment called Lost Memories , is on the 14th chapter now and i'm posting here and on wattpad as well so if you could check it , i'd be really happy :) is about Harry and Louis as best friends since they're 8 years old so the story goes while they grow up. in my opinion is better than "say something" if you like this one you will for sure like "Lost Memories" :)

Harry’s POV

It’s already the morning of December 31. I can’t believe that in less than 24 hours the year is ending and it’s starting another one. It’s not that I give much importance to that, because let’s face it, we’re only going from December to January again. It’s like going from April to May or September to November… Is it just me who thinks this way?

But well, it’s a pretext to go see my old friends and party all night. I don’t go to a party for months, I can’t even remember how it’s to feel drunk. Not that I miss those nights, but sometimes I like to have fun that way. But I changed that side of me because of Louis, I still remember his words.

“You need to grow up and instead of fucking every person you think it's all right, you should think about finding someone not just for one night stand.”

"You think is easy Louis? Do you think I don't have someone in mind? But it's not enough, me liking that person, so it's not like he's going to like me back, especially when he doesn't give a fuck”

"Well you're used to have everything in front of you in a blink of an eye. It's not fucking other people that you're going to gain something in here."

From that day forward I stopped partying so couldn’t get drunk and fuck a random girl or dude, instead I started to spend more time with Louis; to know what he does through the day, to check if he’s okay, to make him company so he doesn’t need to be on the library alone, to make sure I’m in the dorm with him so he doesn’t need to think that he’s alone… all of this was an excuse to be with him because at the end I just wanted to feel his presence. I know he has friends but I also know that they can hurt him while I can’t, I wouldn’t, I won’t… I know it’s kinda selfish but I want to make sure he doesn’t get hurt, so the best way is having him by my side. And even giving my best, fucking Bryan hurt him…

But Louis is with me now. He was with me all the time though and fuck, I can’t believe we’re this close now. I never thought this would be possible to happen. I thought the last time my lips were going to touch his, were the day he got drunk and changed into someone completely different… I thought my lips were going to miss his forever. The feeling was terrific, I didn’t want that. I wanted to feel them again, I wanted to have that memory, I wanted him to kiss me, I wanted him to feel something, I wanted to kiss him and show what I felt through it… I wanted a real kiss.

I had it. God, we haven’t been doing anything else than kissing these last week, even if it has to be me always kissing him. He changed, he hasn’t been raspy to me and he had this thing that while he talked to me he wouldn’t look at me. Now he does it and it makes me melt the way he speaks in a soft tone while his blue eyes are on me.

He used to shout at me and even being mad when I teased him or complimented him, I never understood why by the way – well just when I teased him – but now he just blushes, or smiles shyly or even giggles. Jesus it’s the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen and heard; his eyes crinkle and he covers his mouth with his hand. I also noticed the way he still gets nervous while we’re getting ready to go to bed so he starts touching his fringe or passing his fingers through his hair. I stop him because that’s my job. Now I can stay awake till he falls asleep, touching his hair, making sure he feels okay and relaxed… I think I can’t fall asleep first, always with the fear that he might disappear or if something happens.

We didn’t do much these days, there wasn’t much to do though and is freaking cold outside so going for walks is almost not an option. So we spent them at home, watching movies or playing video games, normal guy’s stuff really. But Louis also managed to read the book I gave to him. He was so excited to start reading it, his face was something that deserved a pictured when he opened the book and started reading the first pages. He read it in three days and to be honest I think his expression at the beginning, from pure joy, isn’t worth it… because if I knew he would cry that hard at the end I’d never thought about buying that god damn book. It was awful. I knew he was only crying because of the book but it was devastated to see. Multiple tears were streaming down his face, I didn’t know what to do to stop them. I hugged him, I let him cry on my shoulder, I pat his back, everything but he didn’t stop sobbing and whispering “It’s not fair!” A part of me wanted to laugh and when I said to him that “It’s only a character from a book, you don’t need to cry this way.” He pulled me away and pushed me out of the bed. I can be used to it but this time it hurt, a lot.

But everything has been perfect and my feelings for him have grown up these past days. I love him so much but it’s not painful as it used to be, it’s enjoyable and I love this feeling now. I don’t even want to sleep because I want to keep feeling this all the time, I want to keep feeling him by my side, I don’t want to lose sight of him.

Of course I ask myself how is this going to end, of course I want to know what he has been thinking about, but I make my best not to think too much about it and screw everything up.

“Harry!” I hear Louis’ voice and it’s too loud so it breaks my thoughts. I also hear my phone ringing but I give my attention to him first. “Aren’t you going to answer the phone? It just woke me up!” he groans and I hope the noise didn’t ruin his morning mood as it used to.

“Right…” I say grabbing the phone from my nightstand and unfortunately he turns his back for me, going back to sleep. What time is it anyway? I’ve been awake for a while now, I know it. It’s weird because lately Louis has been sleeping more hours than me and I always thought it’d be the otherwise. 

“Hello?” I say after sliding the green button

“Harry!!” I hear a loud voice from the other side of the line, and I know exactly from who it comes from.

“Rachel?” I speak in a lower tone not to bother Louis that much

“Of course it’s me, you dork! How have you been?” I laugh a little

“I’m great, how about you?”

“Same, same! Look, you know why I am calling you, right?”

“I’ve got an idea…”

“We don’t talk in ages, I kinda miss you!” she always sounds so excited in these situations. I know Rachel since high school and we always kept contact, along with Anna and Mark. They’re good friends of mine but since we don’t see each other so often, we don’t have that friendship anymore, like I have with Niall for example. But when I come here we always meet each other, especially when it’s for parties. Rachel’s house is perfect for that because her parents are barely home because of their work, so she basically lives on her own, she doesn’t have siblings and her house is huge. I think they’re rich even if she says the otherwise, because if they would, they wouldn’t be living here. But I keep my idea.

“I know, I miss you too!”

“Thought so! You are coming to the party, right?”

“Erm…”

“Harry!”

“Of course I am” I chuckle “But with one condition.”

“What?”

“I’ve to take a friend with me.”

“A friend?”

“Hum, yeah! He’s from the campus-“

“Oh so he’s from London?” Her voice sounds weird now and I don’t get the reason

Is Louis from London? Jesus I don’t even know where his hometown is, but I think he lives there with Liam and Zayn. No? I should know this things. “He is?” It’s more like a question, which she can’t answer of course.

“Oh! I guess you can bring him, the more the merrier, right?”

“Good then!” If she ended up saying no I probably wouldn’t go.

“But is he cool? I mean people from London is always snob and think that are the best…”

“That’s not true,” I give with myself laughing. “but don’t worry, he is.”

“Okay! I have to go now, Anna and Mark are coming to offer their help. I’m not expecting yours-“

“Of course!”

“… so I see you at, erm, eight?”

“Seems good for me!”

“So at eight then, at my place. Bye Harry!”

“Bye, can’t wait to see you”

“Same dork!” I chuckle

I hang up the phone and rest it on the place I took. “Who were you talking to?” Louis asks without turning around to face me, and his voice his muffled by the sheets.

“A friend.” I simply answer

“A girl friend?” his voice is weird, almost harsh

“Hum… yeah?” I raise my eyebrow even knowing that he can’t see. He makes a weird sound, which I can’t understand, if it’s even something to understand. Somehow I enjoy it anyway, because by the way he’s talking and not even daring to look at me, I bet that he’s jealous. And if he’s not, then I imagine him acting like this with jealous. I chuckle and lay down on the mattress, getting closer to him till his back is pressed against my chest and I wrap my arms around his torso, resting my chin on his shoulder. “I was invited to a party tonight.” I decide to say

“Okay.” He simply answers

“I’m going!”

“Fine.” This is amusing me

“You’re coming with me, right?”

“Maybe” He answers harshly. I know he will.

“Why this bad humour?” I ask softly.

“Your phone woke me up,” yeah right. “now get off me!” he says but doesn’t make any effort to push me away as he used to do, months ago

“You sure you want me to get off?” I press my lips on his neck and even dare myself to bite slightly the skin so the only sound he lets out is a moan. I smirk triumphantly “Thought so.” I tease and I bet he’s rolling his eyes right now but I keep kissing his neck, pulling away the locks of hair that is on the way. I push his shirt, on the area from his shoulder, to the side, being able to kiss the bare skin there.

“Stop.” He whimpers and I notice that he has his eyes closed. He doesn’t mean what he’s asking for, which pleases me more, so I ignore it and keep kissing him while sliding my hands under his shirt, caressing his waist with my thumb. He lets out small sights and quite noises, till I make him rolling over so I can be on top of him

I make him looking at me and I never saw him like he is. His pupils are dilated and he licks his lips seductively, he’s so freaking sexy and makes me so horny… I lean over and start again kissing his neck and then up to his jawline “Do you really want me to stop?” I whisper when I reach his lips.

The noise he lets out, makes me want him more and more. He’s so god damn hot and he doesn’t even realise it. He drives me crazy and the effect he has on me has just been increasing since the very first time I saw him. When I lean over to finally press our lips together “Harry, can you-“ I hear my mom’s voice and I think she stops when opens the door and sees me and Louis like this.

“MOM!” I shout and quickly jump out from Louis’ lap, to the other side of the bed. He sits up as well and looks as widely and shock at my mom as me.

“Oh Jesus, I’m sorry boys!” she says and as quickly as she opened the door she also closes it.

I sigh, trying to recover from the surprise and when I look at Louis, he’s still looking at the door with his cheeks a bit rosy. If we were with the blinds from the window closed, probably my mom wouldn’t notice our position due the dark but no, Tomlinson needs to have them open.

Although his expression is precious and I can’t contain my laugh. He looks at me with his usual annoyed face, which makes me laugh even more “I’m sorry!”

“This is not funny at all,” his voice sounds so pissed, god I missed this and I can’t even understand why “We should get up.” He says and when starts crawling out from bed I grab his hand quickly, stopping him.

“It was funny.” I give him a smile and kiss his cheek and the silly smile he gives me, is enough for me to know that we’ll be okay.

~*~

The day went quickly and while my mom decided to ignore the episode from this morning, Louis barely could look at her and act normally. It was funny actually. Niall called me around six, just to have a quick chat and probably because I know he won’t be able to call me at midnight by how drunk his state will be. The conversation lasts longer than I expected since he touched the Louis’ subject and I ended up telling him everything since the moment I asked him to come with me to Holmes Chapel till our last kiss. He’s happy for me but also concerned and I can understand why.

But now is almost eight and we’ve to get ready quickly to go to the party. I decide to dress a normal black shirt and jeans, with my boots and I found funny the fact that Louis dressed the same way, but instead, his shirt is a dark blue and he’s using his vans. I need to buy him a new pair, they’re so dirty… but I can’t tell him that or he’ll say Harry look at your ripped jeans and damaged boots first, okay? I know it. But it’s what gives style to them so it’s fine. Anyway…

We walk downstairs and my sister is there talking with my mother. “Why are you so well dressed?” I tease her making Louis laugh and making her giving me a glower. She’s wearing a black sparkling dress, using her heels and even wearing makeup. She looks beautiful, I mean she always looks beautiful but I usually say the otherwise because that’s what siblings do.

“I’m going to a party! It’s not only you who is popular here!” She snaps

“I see, a party with your boyfriend and your two best friends. Seems cool”

“I don’t have a boyfriend, Harry!”

“Oh, so there’s only left your two best friends. Sad.” She sights loudly and I see her walking towards me with the same face Louis usually does when he’s mad and thinks I’m annoying him too much. “Try to catch me with those heels!” I say running in circles around the island from the kitchen

“Stop you two!” My mom laughs along with Louis

“You’re so annoying!” Gemma rolls his eyes

“I know!” Louis says laughing, looking at me and my sister gives him a pity look.

“I was only joking, you look gorgeous sister!” I give her a small smile which she returns, looking at me in awe.

“Are you two going now as well?” My mom asks and Louis nods at the same time I say “Yes” and we’re almost late, so we are fast saying goodbye so we can get outside to the car as quickly as possible. My mom says that only expects seeing us tomorrow morning but I assure her that we’ll probably be back by three. She doesn’t believe it and says that it’s more probable to my sister coming by that time, than us. I don’t really understand the look she gives me but when she whispers “make sure you’ve your first kiss of the year with the person you love” I understand it right away.

“You didn’t really explain me how this party will work.” Louis says when we reach the car and I start driving

“Hum, is there something to explain?!” I ask confused

“Yes, I mean… not really.” He sighs “I just want to know some details, maybe.”

“Like what?” I don’t know what the point of this is but at least we’re talking.

“Where is the party? Will be there a lot of people?”

“A house from a friend and yes probably.”

“A friend?” He’s been asking me a lot of questions lately, which is unusual. “The one you were talking to on the phone?” his voice sounds weird, a bit mad but I don’t understand it really

“Yes.” I simply answer.

“What-What type of friend?” I give with myself laughing a little by his question

“The type of old friend.” I answer and make sure to look at him when we stop on the traffic lights, however he doesn’t look back at me and somehow he looks nervous “I’m glad you’re going to meet them.”

“Them?” this time he looks at me

“Yeah, Anna, Rachel and Mark. We’re friends since high school”

“Oh. O-Okay. You were talking with Rachel in the morning, right?”

I raise my eyebrow “Yeah… were you listening to our conversation?!”

“Yes.” He looks outside the window now and I’m forced to keep driving when the light turns green “Is there any possibility that…” I know he’s debating with himself if he should ask what he’s thinking about. “…that she was more than-than your friend?” He almost whispers.

“Oh, erm… M-Maybe.” I answer and somehow I feel guilty. I don’t know why because there is no need to feel like this… but Louis doesn’t say anything else the whole drive and I miss the sound of his happy voice now.

I need to park the car some meters away from her house since there is no place in front of it. Louis opens the door without saying a word and I follow him. He’s behaving the way I behaved when I knew about him and Bryan. I was so pissed that didn’t even talk to him and that was something new for me. But right now, I know he’s not only feeling this way just because of Rachel, but also because I know he’s fighting with himself about this party, like he did about Christmas. He’ll be in a completely different space, with different people that I know and he doesn’t.

He waits for me while I close the door and then the car. I feel his hand pushing the sleeve from my jacket, making me look at him. “Be by my side, okay?” He asks, looking at the floor. I knew he was going to say that.

“Of course.” I reply in a soft tone. When he lets go off my arm, to start walking, I stop him, grabbing his hand “Rachel…” he looks up at me, confused and maybe even in curiosity “Rachel and I are just friends now, y’know…” I don’t think he wants to know that, even needs to, but I feel like telling him. I know it doesn’t matter for him, he doesn’t care but I love him and I’m kinda confused about what we are now so I’m just worried about what he’s thinking about now.

“Okay.” Is his answer. It kinda shocks even disappoints me but at least he keeps holding my hand till we reach the big house so then he drops it. I don’t know what is wrong with me but a part of me wants to hold it back and walk away with Louis from here and just take a walk or even go to my house so we can be alone. Maybe watch another movie, even if it was one we already watched. We could even be only talking about stupid things, or eating junk food… anything would be great because at the end I’d end up pulling him closer to me, kiss his lips – that I already miss since the last time I kissed them was last night – maybe we’d end up snogging, till he was without shirt like it happened once, and I’d take advantage to pass my hands through his warm skin, feeling him and wondering how would it be touching him again… hearing him moaning my name, being that close to him. Maybe doing something more, maybe he would even kiss me for the first time since it has always to be me doing it first, maybe he would tell me another deep secret he has and we’d chat till he’d fall asleep, with his arms around my body and his head rested on my shoulder and just then I would be able to fall asleep next to the one I love.

That’s too much to think about… but I pull all those things to the back of my head when the person who opens the door for us, is one of the people I missed the most. “Fucking Styles!” Mark shouts and we both hug each other without allowing me to say a word, not even a hi.

“Jeez buddy, I missed you” I smile when we pull back and he offers me one of his big smiles. If Louis thinks I’m lively he really needs to meet my three mates.

“Who’s this fellow?” he looks at Louis still with a smile and if Louis was feeling bad or insecure, he sure feels better because he smiles back at Mark and extends his hand at him

“I’m Louis.” Mark pulls back Louis’ hand and gives him a quick hug, leaving him speechless

“Mark, nice to meet you! So you must be the guy from London, hm?”

“Erm, I think so?” He raises his eyebrow at me. Louis is not from London.

“Let’s go inside!” he says and I can hear the loud music coming from there and as soon as we enter and he closes the door I can see the familiar faces around the place. It reminds me the frat’s parties I used to go to, but this time, for my surprise, it’s not as crowed as I expected it would be. I find myself feeling some relief “Man, I have so much to tell you.” He says and he looks happier than the last time I saw him

“Yeah?”

“Anna and I-“ he starts but is interrupted with… “Anna what?”

“Anna?” I ask looking at the girl next to us

“Harry!” She smiles brightly and gives me a hug, just with one arm since the other one is holding a cup. 

“You changed!”

“I just changed my hair colour” she chuckles. But turning from brunette to ginger is not her only change, she looks older… but in a good way. Her clothes changed, I can tell she lost weight and… her boobs are bigger and-

“Hey Styles, don’t look at my girl that way” Mark says, putting his arm around her waist and she pats his arm, with a smile. This people are always smiling

“Your girl?”

“We started dating!” Anna announces and I give them a big smile and say “Finally!” because those two were made for each other and I was expecting that since we were fifteen.

“Oh my god, I’m sorry!” Anna suddenly says and turns to Louis. “Hi, I’m Anna.” She smiles at him I know that she’s asking herself if she should stop by there, or hug him or just shake his hand

“I’m Louis!” He smiles back at her and they end up giving each other a quick hug

“Nice to meet you. So you’re friend from our Harry, right?”

“Hum, we can say that!” He answers her and gives me a quick look. So we can say that we’re friends… What does that mean?

“So you are our friend too!” She says and takes his hand to walk with him to I don’t know where, I just know she’s taking my Louis away from me

“Wait we are going too” I try to speak but when she turns around and says smiling “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of him!” and I don’t know if Louis is happy with that by the face he’s making and almost asking me for help.

However I can’t do anything when Mark does the same thing with me but walks to the other side of the house saying “She’ll take good care of him” Dammit, we were supposed to be together.

But I won’t get rid of Mark so soon. When he starts talking, he doesn’t stop so I get to know every new he has to tell me, every stupidity he made this semester, how Anna and him ended up together and other stuff that I choose not pay much attention to. Then appears some other people who I knew from high school and I can’t believe they still remember me and that I still remember their faces.

We walk to the kitchen to eat some snacks and it’s when I’m hoping to see Louis, but no. There’s no sigh of that beautiful boy and it’s been half an hour. I even check my phone but there isn’t a missed call, but not that I was expecting some though “Hey, Styles?” I look up at Mark and he gives me a questionable look “What’s up?”

“Nothing.” I answer putting my phone back on my pocket

“You look stressed.” I’m not stressed I’m just worried about how Louis is right now. I need to have him by my side. I know Anna will take good care of him but still… he’s not by my side…

“I’m fine.”

“Are you looking for your friend?”

“Hum… yeah, it’s been a while.” I laugh a little but I don’t feel like it now.

“He’s fine” he laughs “So tell me, he must be a good friend of yours, for you to bring him here.”

“Yes he is.” I find easy to answer this time.

“Niall was a good fellow as well” he says. Oh yeah, Mark loved Niall. They’re kinda similar actually so they got along pretty well “You need to bring him here one more time.”

“I will!” I grin

“It’s good to know that you made good friends there.”

“Me too.” I was kind of afraid that I wouldn’t suit myself there, make friends and feel comfortable enough to keep studying there. I was just so used to the life I had here, close to my family and my friends. Our friendship changed and that made me feel a bit down but the friends I made there are great and I didn’t lost contact with the old ones so I shouldn’t be complaining.

“But this guys is not like Niall, is he?” he says and I look weirdly at him

“How so?”

“I feel like you-“ I stop hearing what he’s saying when I see, above his shoulders, a blonde girl walking towards us.

“Rachel!” I shout and I know my face lights up. She grins widely at me and runs to my arms. I hug her tightly, god I missed her. I didn’t even realise how much I missed her after this hug. How her arms wrapped around my neck while I lifted her with my arms around her waist. She smells the same and her hair is as beautiful and soft as I remember.

“You’re so much stronger” she says when we pull back. Her blue eyes look bigger due the makeup she’s wearing, but she looks stunning and the dress she’s wearing sure suits her perfectly. “And more handsome” she winks. Right, we didn’t see each other on summer holidays because she was in America so it’s been almost a year since I don’t see her. Well she didn’t change as much as Anna and I saw her on summer, but she got prettier too. I think it’s the age.

“You too, you look beautiful!” I smile at her and she answers the same way

“Well maybe I’ll leave you two for now. I’ll see where Anna is and if she’s still with your friend” Mark says waving at us and walking away

“Oh I met your friend. Louis, isn’t it?” Rachel asks, leaning on the counter in front of me, where Mark was previously. There aren’t many people on the kitchen now, they came here to eat something and walked away. The kitchen is big so it seems like we’re the only ones here.

“Yes!” I give with myself smiling, but the reason is by hearing Louis’ name.

“He’s so cute! And you were right, he’s cool.”

“Yeah he is. Actually I was looking for him, it’s been almost an hour since the last time I saw him”

“Oh they’re downstairs in the lounge, where most of the people are. Anna introduced him some people, he seems to make friends really easily.”

“Really? Good then.” I’m actually kinda surprised. I know Louis is easy to talk to, but if he doesn’t feel comfortable enough around strangers he won’t talk, so that was the reason why he made me promise to be by his side. But I’m not by his side and it doesn’t matter how fine he can be that I won’t be rested. I need him by my side, it’s like an addiction now and if he could hear my thoughts he’d think I’m creepy and obsessed, but heI can’t so I could even think about me and him naked and– 

“Harry?” Why do people shout my name so many times? Is it because I’m too lost on my thoughts that I don’t even pay them attention “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I am.” I offer her a smile to assure her

“It doesn’t seem so. You look weird.”

“When is the time that I don’t look weird?” I ask her, making her laugh and nod as agreement “So tell me, how things going with you? Any news? Mark told me tones of things now I want to hear yours.”

“Well actually I wanted to talk to you about some things. I know how a good listener you are!” I look carefully at her, giving her my whole attention “So, I’m finally taking design…”

“Really? That’s great!” She’s been dreaming to do that since I met her and if she achieves it I’ll be really proud and happy for her

“Yeah it is. But I don’t know what to do…” I look at her in curiosity “As you know I was in America on summer with my parents and thanks to them, when I finish my studies I can work there in a fashion magazine and if I’m lucky luck I can even start making my own projects…”

“But that’s amazing, why don’t you look happy for that?”

“Because, that was thanks to my parents and their name. I want to achieve my dreams on my own. If I accept it, it’s like I’m not fighting for it and don’t actually deserve it.” she says and I might understand her “I don’t know what to do, I don’t even know if I want to start my life like this.”

“Why not? I think you should accept. I understand your point but, if you have this opportunity why don’t you take it? Don’t think that way that you didn’t fight for it. You have your passion, isn’t that enough? Your parents may have helped you, but so what? You’re lucky that you’ll live your dream and do what you wanted to do for years. That’s amazing and I’m really happy for you, Rachel!” I finish with a warm smile.

“Harry… Thank you.” She smiles too “So you think I should accept it?” I nod and she looks much better now. “I’ve missed you” She takes my hands on hers and looks at them together “Seeing you leaving to London was so hard… You know that I still had feelings for you, didn’t you?” I know she had, but I choose not to answer. We had broken up more than a year before, but we were still friends, really good friends I have to admit. But things didn’t work as I expected to so I just didn’t want to keep that and reach the point that we couldn’t stand each other and then ruin our friendship. And I knew something was wrong with me. It was in that time, after breaking up with her that I started things with… Bryan. They never got to know that and I don’t know how Rachel would react if she knew I broke up with her because of a guy. So then going to London made me have sure that I really do liked boys. Or maybe I just like Louis, but he’s a boy so let’s say it. “But even if it was hard for me to see you leaving, it was good to forget about us.” She laughs a little and looks up at me “I’m really happy that we’re still friends.”

“Me too,” I finally manage to speak “it was hard too… for me.” It probably was harder for her, but she was one of my closest friends and not being as close as we were, was tough. “But I’m here now.” I smile and rest one hand on her cheek.

~*~

Louis’ POV

Harry’s friends are just like him. Loud, noisy but funny. They really talk too much and have always something to say. They also drink a lot… while I just drank a glass and kept eating snacks, each one had probably already drank five and it’s not even half past nine.

I really want to know where the fuck Harry is, he promised he was going to be by my side and he’s not. Fuck. I’m starting to depend too much on him. I can talk with people, I can easily be without him for a moment, but I was getting so used to be with him that now I feel like I’m naked and it’s missing something – and not only my clothes. But I couldn’t do anything when Anna pulled me by my arm and walked with me to here. This house is huge and I can’t believe they have a fucking lounge where the garage was supposed to be.

I’m not saying that I’m not having fun and that this is boring. Much the otherwise, this people are great and Anna, who is the one who is making me more company, is great. She’s sweet and pretty and really kind. She’s been talking to me about how Harry and they used to hang out and what they usually did. I liked to hear that, hearing about Harry when he was fifteen from another person, another perspective.

But then, then Rachel appeared and holy shit I’m not surprised that Harry dated her. She’s hot, I’m gay but I can tell when I see a hot chick. Her blonde hair is so soft and just like the ones that appears on the adverts about shampoo. She’s taller than me, how is that possible? Her legs are so long and thin and her blue eyes… jeez my blue eyes are nothing compared to hers. And when she talks, she makes everyone laugh. She’s just like Harry and I wanted to hate her but I couldn’t, she was really nice to me. Wait, she’s a girl… why am I talking as if I’m a teenage girl from high school? God I’m a guy and I’m twenty.

But it didn’t take long till Mark appeared – and Anna and he are a really cute couple, I’m kinda jealous – so I’m not putting the option that he’s alone upstairs, since I expect that everyone is here now, so he’s with her, I’m sure. Fuck, I am jealous. I can’t be. But just this morning, the way he talked with her on the phone… he was so comfortable, so himself, so secure. I miss you too. I can’t wait to see you. I remember to hear. The way he said that… he seems to like her a lot.

He said they’re just friends now but that doesn’t stop him for feeling something. But he said he loved me so… but he just said it that day, I can’t even remember how his voice sounds when he says those three words. But we’ve been… kissing and stuff so what does that mean? Wait, what does that mean to me? What are we? FUCK, what am I doing?

“Louis? Can you go upstairs calling Harry?” I follow Mark’s voice “He’s probably still in the kitchen with Rachel.” Of course.

“They’re missing all the fun here.” Anna says with a grin. I should be enjoying the party too like other people are. I mean some of them are already drunk and I can’t understand how. But they’re playing some games, and everyone is laughing and even dancing and I’m here sat in a corner, while a couple is snogging and I’m thinking about my friend that I used to hate but who loves me and that lately we’ve been kissing each other.

“Hum, sure!” I say and stand up from the bank, walking towards the stairs. I ask myself how many rooms this house has. Just on the first floor there is two bathrooms, a big kitchen, a living room, a dining room and... a salon? Harry is right, this people are rich. And it’s all so well decorated.

“It was hard too… for me.” I hear Harry’s voice coming from the kitchen. I take a look from the door and see the two of them holding hands. What was hard for him? “But I’m here now.” he smiles and rests one hand on her cheek. What the fuck? So it was hard for him to be apart from her? Well, now you can kiss her Harry, I’m here to watch the show and you’re here with her now.

Fuck, fuck and fuck. What the hell is this? Why am I feeling this way? So betrayed… I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t, dammit. Harry and I are just friends. Friends who like to kiss sometimes. Fuck, I like to kiss him a lot but oh well maybe while he was kissing me he was seeing Rachel’s perfect face and my blue eyes were hers that he saw. And maybe-

“Louis?” I look widely at Harry and he quickly pulls away from her. I’m probably with my cheeks redder than a tomato.

“Hum… Sorry if I interrupted something, but Mark asked me to call you two. So yeah…” I say and make my best to get out of here as fast as I can

“Wait, we go with you.” I hear Rachel’s voice and stop, waiting for them. I don’t even bother to turn around. I stay frozen not wanting to look at Harry again.

I hate this feeling. It’s not right, anything is. But I thought Harry loved me… I really thought and I was liking that idea. I was liking the idea to have him by my side like he was these days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think this chapter is kind of boring but next one will make up for it. 
> 
> don't forget to check out my other fanfic ^-^


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist
> 
> Only Love by Ben Howard 
> 
> Wait by M85

We quickly get downstairs and Harry doesn’t look at me all the way to the lounge too, which just confirms everything I saw. I walk forward without them to sit on the same place I was before calling them, and Mark and Anna are still there as well. I take a shot, gulping it at once. “Are you okay Louis?” Anna asks, sat on Mark’s lap.

“I’m fine.” I answer not even bothering to look at her. She says something else but it seems too far for me to hear.

Why am I even putting myself so down because of this? We just kissed, so what? Last year we were really close and even if I pushed him away he kept hitting on me and most of the people thought we were dating. And I was supposed to hate him, look where I am now.

I’m being so stupid, maybe it’s all a misunderstanding. Harry said he loved me, he said so many things, he proved his feelings so he wouldn’t hurt me like this after everything. Hurt. Am I hurt because of what I saw? Because I’m jealous? I don’t even know… I don’t even know what I feel for Harry and the only person who can get hurt here is Harry.

“Hey, Lou.” I hear Harry sitting next to me. I didn’t even notice that Anna and Mark walked away, by how entertained I was playing with the small empty glass. Why am I doing this to myself?

“Hey!” I can’t look at his face though. This just proves that I fucking have feelings for Harry and it’s hitting me like a truck. I don’t love him, I don’t feel half of what he feels for me, but I still feel something and it sucks. I also feel like I’m being selfish and maybe being a jerk towards Harry, I don’t want to hurt him but it feels like I’m playing with his feelings since he loves me… This is really fucked up.

“Sorry that I allowed Anna to take you away, but I’m gonna stay with you now.” He speaks like nothing have happened and it’s pissing me off. Not even an explanation he has to offer me? Okay then

“It’s fine.” It’s not. It wasn’t fine at all. I wanted him by my side and if he was, he wouldn’t be with her, that way.

“So are you enjoying the party?” fuck you I want to say. But I only say that to myself. If we start arguing, I’d make a scene just to humiliate myself. He’d probably laugh or not taking anything serious like always. When was me with Bryan he looked like the devil, I never saw him that way. He shouted, he said he didn’t want me with him and he even hurt me in a way, to be fair. I should do the same now but I can’t. I’m not like him and if I do that I’m just giving too much importance 

“Are you?” I ask instead of answering him, still not looking at his face. “I bet you are” I say in a lower tone, which I don’t know if he’s able to hear due the loud music.

“I am.” He laughs. He’s fucking laughing. It’s probably funny for him, I see.

“Can you stop fucking laughing?” I look at him this time in annoyance. Did we really return to the old times?

He doesn’t stop laughing though and I need to take a deep breathe to calm myself down. He’ll always take me on my nerves no matter what. “You’re jealous”

“What the fuck?!” I shout, is he fucking serious?

“Oh Jesus Louis… Are you mad about what happened upstairs?” no I’m perfectly fine with the fact that you still might have feelings for your ex-girlfriend. He never talked to me about her, I thought he only had Bryan before. God such a mess.

“I’m not.” I lie. I can’t show that I’m weak, especially towards Harry. No fucking way, I’m going to show that I’m fine, that I can be without him and that I’m not jealous, because there’s no need to be, because we are not a thing.

“You are.” He chuckles “You are so mad and you’re jealous of her!” is this funny to him? ‘cuz he doesn’t stop laughing. I roll my eyes and take another shot. She’s so rich that even hired a bartender. “Don’t drink too much.”

“Don’t tell me what to do.” I snap

“Do you want to get drunk again?” Hell no. I want to be sober tonight, but is the nerves that are making me to drink now. If I don’t drink I’ll punch Harry in the face. “Thought so.” He says when I give up on asking for another one.

“Is this amusing you?” I dare to ask

“Yes.” He simply answers with a smirk on his face. The Harry from the campus is back.

“Fucking jerk.” I buff

“Lou…” he punches me in the arm slightly and I count to three “C’mon ask me what is going on between me and Rachel.”

“I am in no position to ask you that. You do whatever you want to. You be with whoever you want to.” I lie. It’s all a lie, but I’m starting to be too attached to him and then it happens things like this one.

He laughs but ends up saying “It was a misunderstanding.” My ass it was. Okay calm down Louis “I don’t want you to think the wrong idea.” He sounds more serious this time. I look at him and this time with no frown nor a mad face “We were just having a chat,” of course “and she told me she missed me and told me that when I left to London she still had feelings for me.” I don’t really want to know this things to be honest. He doesn’t own me any explanation, I don’t know why I am acting this way. Fuck Louis you’re just so confused “But it was better this way because she managed to forget about us. I forgot as well, because of many reasons.” He smiles and I don’t get the reason why “We’re only friends Louis. We just missed each other so it kinda ended up like that.” Oh. He’s not lying. I know he’s not. They’re probably good friends for what Anna told me about them so… Ugh Louis you’re so stupid.

“Okay.” I answer and he makes the same expression that he did when I answered the same thing when he said he and Rachel were only friends. I think I’m just saying this to show that he doesn’t need to explain me anything, because we’re just friends.

“Louis…”

“Okay, I’m sorry.” I don’t even know the reason why I am apologizing “I got it.” he chuckles and I shake my head

“You’re cute when you’re jealous.” He teases

“Shut up. I wasn’t jealous.” I protest and when he tries to put his arm around my shoulders with the same smirk, to mock me even more, I pull him away “You’re so annoying” I make my best not to laugh by his laughter and face expression.

“Hi!” a voice interrupts us and when I follow it, Rachel is right in front of me. “You two seem really entertained!”

“Now we’re not because you just interrupted us” I say. But just in my head so no one can hear it. I really need to stop hating on people who are nice to me. “Hey!” I say instead in the most normal tone I could manage to do and Harry burst into laughter, making me want to slap him.

“Sorry, I was just thinking about the joke Louis told me.” He says and subtlety is not with Harry Styles.

“I love jokes can you tell it again.” Yes Harry, can I?

I give a glower at him and he laughs even more. God he’s such a dick. “Is gone!” I say suddenly “The joke is gone.”

“Oh.” She looks weirdly at me but then shrugs and smiles, dropping the subject. “Let’s have a night like the old times,” she turns to Harry now “Mark and Anna are on the pole table, waiting for you so we can play all together.” She says and I notice how beautiful the smile she’s giving Harry is. They probably made a good couple when they were younger but at the same time I can’t imagine Harry with her. Maybe it’s because of the amount number of girls I already saw him with in the past year, the fact that they meant nothing to him and he never had a girlfriend since I met him.

“Hum… I don’t know, Louis will be-“

“He can join us.” She interrupts him.

“Oh, I’m fine, I’m going to stay here.” I don’t really want to spend time with all the four together. It’d just be weird. They know each other for five years and I’d be the black swan in the middle. I know I wouldn’t fit there.

“I’ll stay with him.” Harry says right away but for much that it costs me I complain

“No go. You don’t see them for a long time, so it’s not right staying here with me instead.”

He looks at me almost asking for my permission, to make sure that it’s really all right, so I nod “Okay then.” he gives me a small smile, standing up from the chair

“When you feel like it, come to us. You don’t need to be here alone.” Rachel says and I try my best to nod and give her a smile, for much small that it can be.

They walk away and I think I just made the right thing. It wouldn’t be right trap Harry here with me, besides it’s not like I’m not going to spend time with him tonight.

~*~

Okay I’m barely spending time with Harry, he’s basically just with his friends and I’m still on the same sit that I first was, for an hour. My bum aches already. I don’t blame him. He misses them, they’re all good friends and for what I’m watching, they’re having fun. And I’m not gonna lie to myself, I’m jealous. Not only because of the friendship the four have but mostly because of the friendship he has with Rachel. Jesus she’s almost drooling over him, always attached to him, like if he was a flower and she was a bee. They’re always laughing together and smiling and whispering things at each other… it’s seriously pissing me off. But the fact that Harry gave to the work to check if I was okay twice, in this hour made me feel better. Well sort of.

But I’m having fun too. I’m trying at least. I met a guy and a girl that made me laugh and roll my eyes by how stupid they are. The guy talked to me about his interest in ants… it was freaking weird and it’s terrifying how he can sleep knowing that he has ants on a fucking glass-case next to him. And the girl basically talked to me about herself and she probably was trying to flirt with me.

“I’m gay” I said thinking that it’d make her going away. But no. The chick didn’t leave me, she even got more interested and asked me a bunch of things to the point of even asking me about how gay sex worked and then I thought it was a good time to say stop I’m going to the restroom.

On the way to the bathroom, I’m trapped by a couple who is making out just at the beginning of the stairs so my idea to take a piss is ruined and delayed when Mark appears behind me. “Hey Louis!” he says and I turn around “We’re planning to play a game, wanna join?” He asks and when I’m about to answer “Yes you want. You’ve been spending all this time alone” I haven’t. I met a boy who likes ants and a girl who wished that could be a dude so she could fuck another dude.

He takes me by my forearm to the middle of the room where at least, seven people are sat in a circle, counting with Anna, Mark, Rachel and Harry. – I find interesting the fact that the party is divided in several groups of people, even if everyone know each other. – There are also a lot of drinks on the floor along with cups, so I don’t expect good things coming from here. I sit between a guy and Mark “So what are we going to do?”

“I was thinking about playing fubar but most of the people don’t know how to play it and think it’s too hard to understand” Mark answers “So what about playing the usual I’ve never” He suggests

“That’s boring” Harry says and finally takes his eyes off from Rachel. Damn, I know he told me that they’re just friends and he forgot about them but I can’t stop feeling this.

“Do you have a better idea, Styles?” Mark asks in annoyance but at the same time in amusement. He might be a little drunk. Harry rolls his eyes and doesn’t say anything. Of course he doesn’t have a better idea.

Since everyone agrees Mark chooses to start. I hate playing these kind of games, even if I like to watch them, because it’s funny to see the people’s reaction, now I’m a player, so it’s not funny! I’m relieved that I chose to just drink two shots, because I don’t want to get drunk.

"Okay so, I’ve never…” he thinks a bit but then smirks “…taken a piss in front of cars at a red light” This people are crazy. But then I see him and Harry laughing and being the only ones taking a drink. “It was a funny day Styles.” He laughs looking at Harry. I don’t even wanna know what happened. “Wait let me say one more.” He interrupts Cassie, the girl next to Rachel, who was trying to say the next one “I’ve never…” he giggles. He’s not a little drunk, he’s pissed. But at least is making other people laugh. “…received a sexually explicit text messages from my boyfriend during school and was caught reading and had to read out loud in front of the class!”

“Oh bloody hell Mark, really?!” Anna says, making a grimace at him while takes a drink. Everyone starts laughing, including me.

In only five rounds I can find the way they interact with each other funny and somehow intimidate. They have their own private jokes, their own memories and embarrassed moments that once in a while they’d share with the rest of us, the way they even look at each other and laugh or simply smile is unique. I think Harry fits well in the group and I can’t stop this jealousy that are starting to be pathetic.

But even though everyone is in a good mood and I’m feeling much more comfortable around them, they’re so talkative, lively and we can have a good laugh with them – but half of the effect is due the alcohol.

“I’ve never searched for porn on the internet." Michael – I can finally name the guy next to me – says. Mark starts laughing and making weird noises.

“Michael, who never did that?” Mark asks taking his glass and drinking in a gulp. Of course I and the rest of the others do that as well.

“Harry,” Rachel starts laughing, she’s a bit drunk. In this six rounds, I only drank twice, which is good. Harry drank more than me but I notice that he’s still sober. I just hope Rachel doesn’t take advantage of him “remember? The first time I watched porn? Oh my god!” she doesn’t stop laughing and Harry just face palms himself. “It was with you!” what the hell

“Yeah, yeah I remember Rachel.” He rolls his eyes and the moment I feel him looking at me I quickly look away so our eyes can’t meet.

“Ouh, so what did you two do then?” Mark teases them. I feel something weird and I think it’s due the topic of conversation. What’s the thing of the two of them watching porn together? It’s weird as fuck but okay

“We did nothing, Mark!” Harry says straight away, I know he’s feeling uncomfortable and when Rachel tries to say something he interrupts her “I have never kissed one of my friends of the same sex on the mouth!” he speaks out loud, grabbing right away the glass and drinking it, making me looking at him widely. He probably didn’t think twice about it. It’s supposed to say things you’ve never done, to see if the others had, and he fucking says that. Genius.

I also drink a glass for the third time in this game and if Harry’s friends were looking at him with a strange and mysterious face, when they see me, it gets worst and they look at me and Harry at time. But thankfully, Anna and Rachel drink as well making them forgetting about us and then looking at them

“What?” Rachel asks

“Did you kiss my girlfriend?!” Mark asks with his mouth half open

“We were sixteen so she wasn’t your girlfriend by that time.” Rachel replies and when Mark is about to protest, Anna grabs him by his neck to give him a kiss. While that whole episode happens, Harry doesn’t stop looking at me… and let me tell you, the look he’s giving me should be illegal. Or maybe it is, is harassment, because it’s just so full of lust that even makes me twist. Fucking twist

"I have never fantasized about one of my friends." Harry speaks once again, interrupting the others and one more time he takes the drink. And fuck, while he does it, he looks at me and then licks his lips, slowly and then smirks. What the hell is he doing with me?

Cassie takes a drink as well and I think twice before doing the same. Of course I’ve fantasized about Harry… I could say Bryan, but no I’m saying Harry. But Bryan is an asshole and looking at the situation now, is much normal to say Harry. That bastard and his body and voice and fuck, I give with myself sometimes thinking about the Halloween’s party. It felt good, even if I can’t remember half of it, I know it felt good and I hate myself for that.

His friends are looking so strangely at Harry but I bet he’s not even noticing it because he doesn’t take his eyes from me. This time I can’t look away, it’s too hypnotize. He looks so god damn good. He always does, but it seems like today he looks even better and the fact that Rachel is right next to him, capable to smell him even and I don’t, pisses me off. I wanted to pass my fingers through his hair, it’s messy but pulled back and seems bigger than the usual and he has a few curls on the side, next to his ears. His shirt is already with the sleeves pulled up, to his elbows and his shirt is with its three first buttons undone, showing his tattoos and collarbones. Holy shit I almost forgot that I needed to piss.

“I’ve never-“ he starts again and I can’t hear him saying one more thing, I know it’s coming one similar from the last two.

So as fast as I can tell I interrupt him “I’m going to the bathroom!” I might have talked louder than I needed but it made him stop and getting the other’s attention “Be right back!” I finish, standing up from the floor and walking away, ignoring the weird looks.

Harry is just driving me crazy, all these jealous and teasing and why does he need to look so hot? Fuck, forget about him for a little Louis! And where the fuck is the bathroom? This house is so big that I’m already on the second floor and can’t find it.

 

Harry’s POV

I loved Louis’ reaction upon all of this. I don’t even know if he noticed the way his cheeks went pink, how he moved from his place trying to find friction on his jeans, how he looked at me, how he bit his lip… I fucking loved seeing him like that and it just turned me on in a way that I can’t stand it anymore. Since this morning that I’m fragile and only being next to him, feeling a simple touch, thinking about him, is making me insane. I bet he doesn’t even know the effect he has on me. So that’s why, after a couple of minutes and some weird questions later, I managed to stand up from the floor and walking upstairs, trying to find Louis.

I need him, I don’t even care if it’s just to kiss him, I fucking need him. It’s the New Year’s party and I probably just spent ten minutes alone with him and I don’t even know how I managed to do that. Sure I missed my friends and it was good to spend time with them, but I have Louis now… I know I sound selfish and a little bitchy but he’s so special and how he occupies my thoughts every minute, makes me concerned about all of this. Especially my feelings.

He’s not in any of the first’s floor bathroom so I walk upstairs. After looking at the bathroom in Rachel’s room and the one on the hall, I try the other one, next to one of the guest’s room and when I’m about to open the door, I hear the noise from the toilet so I decide to wait outside. I hope is Louis or this is going to be really weird.

My worries are answered when the door is opened “Harry?” Louis looks surprised at me and in a minute I’m smiling and at the other I am pushing him against the wall, kissing him widely. I know I’m a bit drunk and he is too, but I know what I’m doing and by the way he’s kissing me I know he knows as well. He’s not kissing me like he did when he was drunk that night, he’s kissing me like he has been doing lately.

I press our bodies together and I rest my hands on his hips. He allows my tongue to explore his mouth and he sinks his fingers on my hair not even caring if pulls a handful of them once in a while. I don’t care as well, to be honest, this is freaking hot. “Fuck Louis,” I breathe out between our kiss “I’ve been horny since this morning” I let escape the words, making him pulling away. Fuck, it’s not right to use the h word, because one thing takes to another.

He looks carefully at me, and for my surprise, it’s almost as if he’s taking notes of my face and then smirks. He smirks, almost teasing. Not almost, definitely teasing. “Oh yeah?” he puts his hand on the back of my neck and join our lips strongly, taking me by surprise. Louis is kissing me for the first time, holy shit.

At first he just moves his lips and then sucks my bottom lip. I open my mouth and at the same moment I feel his hot tongue, fighting with mine and exploring my mouth. He shoves his hands on my back pockets, squeezing my bum and fucking hell, I moan between our kiss and I know he just smiled. He’s teasing me and is making me even more and more crazy.

I press him harder on the wall and try to open the door next to it. I separate our lips for a moment, to take him by his wrist to the inside and then locking the door next to us. I press him against the wooded door this time and keep kissing him. I feel his hands passing through my back, under my shirt. He’s so into the kiss that makes me love him more every move our lips make together. I find that idea, of my feelings for him increasing every day, more credible and less idealist now.

When he starts to unbutton my shirt I put my hands over his and pull away from our kiss, but not from him. I lean over, close to his ear and whisper “D-Do you want it?” I know what I am talking about and I hope he does too. I just can’t wait any longer, the fact that I want to feel him around me, be that close to him, share the pleasure with him makes me feel hundreds of things at time. It’s too much to handle but I’m a bit scared of it because he’s Louis. He’s not someone or some chick he’s Louis. The boy I care the most, the boy I love and want to take care of. The boy I want to keep for myself and make happy. This is something big and I want to think about his feelings too. But the worst part of me, the deepest and darkest wants to care only about mines, the fact that I can’t wait to be with him this way and the fact that I’m afraid of never being that way, wants to take the advantage of the moment now.

Louis looks at me, he goes from my eyes to my lips. I feel his hot breathe, I know he just took a deep breathe but even that he leans over, licks my lips and gives me a quick kiss “Please…” he whispers. I like the way that he never says yes, he always says please. Even if a part of me thinks that he says it because he’s not sure about himself, the other part thinks that is just his way to express his feelings. Weird I know, but it’s like he’s begging, if it’s the inside of him speaking for himself, uncovering what he doesn’t want to show and wants to save. Besides it makes me want to fuck him just right here and now.

I press our lips together one more time while he finishes taking my shirt off and begins to take his, with my help and then I throw it away on the room. I’m so horny and crazy now that I grab him by his thighs and make him intertwine them around my waist, so he supports himself with his arms around my neck and his back on the door. He looks so good, with his bare chest exposed to me. He tilts his head to the side, allowing me to kiss his jaw and going down to his neck, sucking a little the skin, but enough to leave a mark. He’s mine now, I don’t care about anything else, he is mine, I marked him.

I make sure to kiss his collarbones, just a little above his tattoo, the one I always loved. When I re-join our lips again I manage to carry him to the large bed in the middle of the room. We sure had the luck to be in the best room, the window is huge so is enough to illuminate the place due the lights from outside. We lay down on the mattress so I’m now on top of him, supporting my own weight with my hands pressed on the mattress next to his head. I always wished to look at him during the night like this. Me on top of his shirtless body, the lights hitting his skin, his blue eyes on me, his locks of hair spread down on the bed… he’s so beautiful.

“You’re using it!” he says touching with his fingers on the necklace he gave to me, moving above his lips

“Of course.” And I’ll never take it off.

He smiles to me and pulls me down, by the necklace, towards his lips. Our lips just brush but after some seconds I move mines, kissing him. At first is slowly, just to enjoy the moment and convince myself about everything, about what is about to happen, then it turns wilder. We pass our hands through each other bodies, caressing, tickling or just feeling it. I kiss, lick, suck every part of bare skin that I can reach from his body and in minutes we’re only in underwear.

“Harry, do you think is right to make this here?” he asks, interrupting our kiss. I chuckle looking at him.

“Believe me, we’re not going to be the only ones doing this in this house tonight.” I tell him and then give him a soft smile. He seems to be more assured now and I lean over to enjoy the touch of his lips with mines for a little bit more time not even caring about how swollen they are. We’re going to do this and I can’t believe it, I never thought this would ever happen.

Louis… The way he used to treat me, he could barely look at me in the eyes, touch me, even listening to me talking is now agreeing to be this close to me. It’s unreal but welcome… If this is a dream please don’t wake me up because if I can’t be with him in real life, I want to be with him in this parallel universe. But I don’t think I am dreaming. This is real and I’m so happy for it. Louis is right here with me.

My boner is starting to be painful under my underwear and I desperately try to find friction. Louis moves his hands down my back and squeezes my bum under my boxers. It makes me moan one more time because when I move, our erections touch and I finally get the friction I was searching for. Even brushing myself on him, pleasures me and when Louis breaks our kiss to moan and recover his breath I know it’s pleasuring him too. “You ha-have a condom, don’t y-you?” his voice is hopeless and weak, but it’s so hot to hear and it’s good to know that I’m having this effect on him.

“Shit no.” I say now stopping and making him whimper from the lack of movement. “I don’t even have lube.” Fuck I can’t believe this. But it’s not that I brought a box of condoms to the trip, I never expected doing this of course.

“Well…” he starts but he’s as breathless as me “it’s good to know that you didn’t plan to have sex with me.”

“Is it?” I raise my eyebrow and he nods. Well at least he doesn’t think I’m a pervert and-Wait, my mind just made a click “I’ll be right back!” I tell him and kiss his cheek before getting up from the bed.

He holds himself in his elbows and looks confused at me while I dress back my shirt but don’t even bother to button it. “Where are you-“

“Don’t worry, get into the sheets that I’m back in a minute” I say unlocking the door and shutting it when start running out on the hallway. I hear noises coming from downstairs and I pray that no one is in any of the rooms here or decides to walk upstairs.

I open the door and enter in a too familiar room. Rachel’s room. I’ve been here so many times that I know every part of this place. I also have lots of memories, but it doesn’t pass by that. Memories. They belong to the past and now I’m living and loving the present.

I open the wardrobe and find the big purple box I was looking for, under some clothes. I can’t believe she stills saves this things in here. Gifts that I’ve given to her, her book where she writes the things that she thinks or happen to her, old photos from all of us, concert tickets and… bingo.

I save everything and run as fast as I can to the room where Louis is waiting for. I open the door and return to lock it. He’s laid down under the sheets and after walking towards him I smile. “Where have you-“

I interrupt him, answering “Picking this” I say showing the condom I’ve taken from her room.

“Where did you get that?” He asks shocked and I take my shirt off and walk next to him, under the sheets

“Rachel’s room!” I could omit it and going back to where we stopped but the face he gives me was the one I wanted to see. I chuckle “Did I tell you how cute you look when you’re jealous?”

“Yeah…” he mumbles and I go back on top of him, take his face in both my hands and kiss his lips

“Thought about reminding you!” I say then and lean closer to his ear “Now… where did we stop?” I tease, licking his earlobe, making him shivering “Oh I know…” I go with my hand down till I feel his boner and don’t contain myself from rubbing it on top of his boxers, making him moan.

“Please…” he begs and that’s enough for me to take his boxers, along with mines so we’re now both naked under the sheets. I feel so close to him already, so warm, so alive and so in love. I notice how he gets shy and tries his best not to look at me, so he’s now looking at the lights from the window outside.

“Hey,” I make him looking at me again “it’s okay” I smile warmly, caressing his cheek and when he smiles back at me I peck his lips “you’re beautiful” I whisper 

While I kiss his skin I start stroking slowly his length on my hands. He closes his eyes from pleasure and I know he’s trying to hold his moans, even if I want the otherwise. I want to make him moan loudly, I want him to show me how much he wants me, showing me that he’s enjoying himself.

I give two fast strokes and when I stop “Don’t s-stop…” Louis’ voice is low and he’s still with his eyes shut tightly.

“Shh, let me do this!” I reply, close to his face and in one move I put myself between his parted legs, with the sheets just covering us a bit. “Suck it.” I put my index in front of his lips. He looks for a moment at it but then does what I said. He does it in such a sexy way, making me feel his warm tongue on my skin. When he finishes I put one finger inside of him, pulling in and out slowly. He lets out small hums and little gasps, but I know it’s not enough so I put one more, making it faster. His legs are shaking so he stretches them down on the mattress and now his gasps turn to be louder and all of this is making me more and more horny and the fact that I don’t want to touch myself, to make this right for him, makes it much harder for me. When I put one more finger, to open him for myself, he lets out a loud moan, covering his mouth right away and even in this situation he can be cute. I’d laugh if I wasn’t trying to control myself.

I can feel his prostate with my fingers already and when I start massaging it, I notice how he’s enjoying it and how hard he’s biting his lip “S-Stop…” he says and I stop right away, almost in concern. So when I’m about to ask what’s wrong “J-Just fuck me already” he whines and holy shit he couldn’t ask it in a worst – better – way.

When I take my fingers out of him, making him whimpering by how empty he must feel, I grab the condom that was placed next to us, unwrap it and slide down along my length and give two strokes. Louis never take his eyes off of me, he follows every movement I make with his eyes. When I look at him, his cheeks are flushed, he’s sweating and shaking. Is he nervous? My question is answered when I get closer to him and when our lips touch, it doesn’t feel right because he doesn’t kiss me back like how it’s supposed to be. “S-Sorry…” he whispers when I pull back.

“Oh baby… I’m just as nervous as you, y’know?” I say and mean it even if I don’t show it like he is. This is important for me – maybe more for me than for him even– and I want to make it right for me and for Louis.

“Stop lying.” He looks away and I place my hand over his cheek, making him look back at me. It’s a natural thing currently.

“It’s not a lie.” I smile and he seems to believe it now. He knows I never lie to him… he knows it.

I lift him by his bum from the mattress and put ourselves in a comfortable position. I start to put only my head inside him, always looking at him in the eyes to make sure he’s okay. I know he is and I know he is gonna be okay, but I can’t stop myself. Then I put all my length inside of him, slowly and studying how is face changes, how his eyes shut tightly and how his mouth stays half opened. “H-Harry…” he gasps

“Yes babe?” I ask not daring to move myself.

“M-Move…” he’s literally begging, he even opens his eyes and grabs me by my shoulders, to lift himself to be on the same level as me. “But-“ I try to speak but he interrupts me, joining our lips almost harshly “Move, now… Fuck me hard please.” He gasps with our lips brushed. I look at him widely but, fuck, I’m crazy about him and he’s just teasing too much.

I make him rest his back on the headboard – this bed is full of pillows so I think we’re okay – and I support myself on it when start moving in and out. I’m feeling him, every little bit, I’m feeling. I move faster and faster and if I’m hurting him, he decides not to tell me, he keeps gasping, whimpering and breathing out small ahs and hums. I sink my fingers on the headboard and he starches my back.

I keep moving faster and faster and he pulls me closer to his face to kiss me, bite me and suck my skin. I’m marked by him too now and I accept the fact that I belong to him from now on. I start moaning, because this is literally all I wanted to.

I want him, I need him, I have to be inside of him. Harder. Faster. I need to hear him screaming, he needs to feel me tremble. I just don’t wanna stop. I want to fuck him. Now. For hours. Over and over. Backwards, upside down… I don’t care I just need it.

I keep moving faster and faster and I just want to hear him moaning loudly and making him calling my name. I want him to tell me how he feels, what he’s thinking about, what he wants me to do. I never imagined that this would feel this good. I just don’t want it to stop, I want this to last.

I keep moving faster and faster and then I ask him “How’s it feels?” and he opens his eyes and answers me breathless “It feels so good that It’s getting weird.” I don’t even want to know the meaning behind his words because while I keep moving inside of him, hitting his prostate already, he moves his hand to touch himself, but I stop him because I want to do that. I want to be the only one making him feel good. I want to be the only one from now on touching him, feeling him this close, being with him like this. I want to make this a routine, something already familiar with. I want to know his body better, all his turns on, his sweet spot, everything.

I keep moving faster and faster and then he says “I-I’m gonna cum…” and I can’t last much longer either. “Cum for me then.” It’s almost impossible to speak “F-Fuck, cum Lou and shout my name.” by now we’re already laid down on the bed but I hold him on my arms, and keep feeling him. He has been touching my back with his fingertips, pulled my hair, squeezed my bum but now he’s holding himself with his arms around my neck. When he closes his eyes and his mouth opens moaning loud “Harry” he’s cuming and just by looking at him in this state makes me cum as well but I thrust one, two maybe even three more times before falling down on top of him, not caring about the cum that is covering his belly because we’re both covered in sweat and all sticky and perhaps even dizzy from the moment so we have to close our eyes till recovering our breath.

This was amazing, rough sex is the manifestation of romance. You trust someone so much that you let them do whatever they want with one thing that is yours. I’m now on my little world just listening to Louis’ gasps, caressing his hair and feeling his body still pressed against mine. I couldn’t ask for more just “Next time we fuck, I don’t wanna fuck, I wanna make love” I tell him, slowly because I still can’t talk normally. But he gets it, he nods and hums in response and that’s enough for me, because I’m so tired and lazy to move now that I want to stay here like this with him for a little more. Not caring about anything. If anyone is looking for us because they gave for our lack, I don’t care about the hours, the voices… anything. It’s just Louis and I.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope i didn't disappoint anyone with this. Did I? i feel like this is the worst smut i've ever wrote idk i wanted this to be different but ugh.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> playlist:   
> Happy by Secrets in Stereo

I lay face down across the bed, holding the pillows against my bare chest, waiting for Louis who just went to the bathroom to clean himself up. I’m thankful that there is no one in this floor yet so they’re probably still downstairs partying. Well, I wouldn’t allow Louis to go only in underwear to the hall so he could go to the bathroom, if I knew someone was there. It was kinda funny though because he was still shaking while dressing his boxers and I know it was hard for him to get up from the bed and walk outside the room. I didn’t want to let him go after everything but he didn’t want to be all sticky and dirty and he promised he wouldn’t take too long so I trusted him.

I hear the lock of the door, the little huff of breath and then the bed dips behind me so I know Louis is here. I don’t move nor look at him because as soon as I can tell I feel his fingers tickling the side of my torso and the weight of his body on top of my legs

“Harry you big oaf, you’re taking up the entire bed” I bet he tried to play tough but his voice comes out soft. I keep pretending that I’m sleeping and try to stay still and not giggling when he digs his fingers deeper and soon his fingers are replaced with his soft lips. He smacks kisses up and down my back, making me shivering.

When I can’t control myself anymore I turn over with a big dopey smile on my face, placing my hands on his waist to keep him on top of me. He rolls his eyes like he usually does but then ends up giggling looking down at me. He looks even more beautiful, his hair messy going all the ways, especially his fringe, his lips are still a bit swollen and he has marks all over his body. I should feel sorry and concerned with the marks of my fingertips on his waist and the two painful hickeys on his neck and one on his chest, but the fact that it was me who did it while we made sex, reminds me that he’s mine. Well maybe he is not mine on his mind, but he is on mine and I wanna keep him for as long as I can.

“Come here!” I say and he leans over till he’s chest to chest with me, not even caring if I’m still naked. I kiss his nose and he gives me a shy smile. “How are you feeling?” I ask then

He takes some time to answer me but I don’t bother myself to worry about it since he’s just looking at me smiling “I’m fine! You?”

“Perfect!” I grin and he chuckles, overlaying his hands on my chest and resting his head on top of them, so his hair tickles my chin. I make my best to grab the sheets from the side to cover him up and then rest my hands on his back so when he lets out a sigh from comfort we stay in silence. I can smell his hair, I know he’s been using my shampoo even after making me put his own on the suitcase before leaving London. I think he never really used it but I’m glad for it.

The fact that I’m being heated by his body, the fact that we’re still so close and connected makes me so happy. I want to be like this forever, I want to go back to London and still being like this. I wished we could have our own place instead of a dorm on campus. I could make him a proper breakfast instead of going out only to drink a shitty coffee; we could stay in a big bed cuddling, instead of being in a small one where he has to feel the cold wall on his back; we could have our own bathroom so I could hear him showering from the room and then he would appear only in a towel with his hair dripping and even if I complained about the water on the floor I’d make him come towards me so I could kiss him.

It’s funny how I am thinking about this and picturing everything as if it’s real or could be real… but it’s just a silly dream. But I also dreamt about kissing his lips, wanting to hold him on my arms, being this close to him and look… I achieved that. I never thought about giving up and now I had the result of it.

I love Louis so much… I mean, how couldn’t you? Someone could fall in love with him by simply looking at him and having a quick chat. But they wouldn’t love him like I do. And I’m thankful for that. Only I can love Louis this much, only I can feel this for him. I fell for how he talks about things, I fell for how he looks at me, for how he bites his pencil when he’s studying, for how he dresses his pyjama in such a weird way that I still don’t know how he does it. I fell for how he complains about everything with me, for how he chooses to talk to me about things that bothered him through the day, for how he says that doesn’t care about what he’s wearing but even though asks me if he looks okay with that shirt. I fell for how he tries his best not to laugh about my jokes… What else? He’s beautiful, I never get tired of looking at him. I like the fact that he’s smarter than me and he knows it… that shouldn’t be a thing to love about him but I do. I like when he’s funny and doesn’t even mean to be. I basically love what he hates about himself. I don’t consider him perfect, because he has flaws, damn he has so many flaws, but loving someone means that we should love their flaws, turning them into something beautiful. So I love him whole. And I’m so lucky of it.

I can’t even imagine what would be of me if I didn’t share the dorm with Niall on the first year, because then he couldn’t have introduced me Louis. And if I knew where the coffee shop I was looking for on the second day of campus was, because then Louis couldn’t have told me where it was and we wouldn’t have a proper talk like we had. And if he didn’t laugh at me when I fell on the sidewalk, because then I couldn’t have fallen in love with him. I can’t believe I fell for him this way even if he treated me like shit for no reason… I think it was the challenge and my permanent hope that maybe he was treating me that way so he could hide his feelings.

“What are you thinking about?” I hear Louis’ voice “you’re so into your thoughts” I notice that now he has his chin rested on his hands, to look better at me. His blue eyes are so close to me… jeez, so beautiful.

“I-I’m just thinking about you.” I simply say. Because why would I lie? Why would I hide this? “My whole head is filled with everything about you!” I continue softly and it’s watching his cheeks turning red and then he hides his face on the curve of my neck. “You’re so cute” I chuckle.

He looks up at me again “You know… I don’t particularly like being called cute.” He says “B-But the truth is… when you say it, I don’t hate it.” He finishes, making me smile.

“Good then, because I won’t stop reminding you that.” Especially because it makes him smile shyly and blush like he’s doing now.

It doesn’t take much time till we start hearing screams – yeah because I don’t really get what they’re saying – and then the fireworks. We didn’t really pay much attention to the time. Louis grins at me and he looks almost as if he was surprised. “It’s already midni-“ I don’t even allow him to finish that sentence when I grab him by the back of his neck and make my best to pull him even closer to me so I can kiss him properly.

Make sure you’ve your first kiss of the year with the person you love.

And Louis is the person I love and I only hope that this year will be spent by his side... I don’t even care in which way, I just want him by my side, making sure that he’s okay.

~*~

I’m waken up by noises coming from outside the room and when I open my eyes, I take some time to accustom myself to the light and even time to remember who I am and where I am. When I look at the side I see Louis rubbing his eyes probably because he just woke up now too by the same reason as me. And that’s also when I get my memory back. “Morning beautiful!” I grin when his eyes are open looking at me. He probably still doesn’t know who he is.

“Fucking hell, I’m so sore!” He protests

“Wow, I was waiting for a kinder greeting in the morning.” I play mad and when he tries to sit up, he realizes that is naked and brings the sheets with him to cover himself up. I laugh due it because I saw him naked so many times by now that I can’t understand the reason why he gets so insecure about it. And shit, he doesn’t need to, his body is gorgeous. He’s the most attractive guy I’ve ever met to be honest. But I remember how shy he got last night when I told him it wasn’t fair for me to be naked under the blankets while he was in underwear. Dress your boxers then. He said but fuck no. Sleeping naked with him was one of my best experience so far. Also hot. And, god, I might have got a bit hard again…

“Sorry, but it’s your fault.” He groans in pain

“Oh my baby is in pain!” I mock him “well you said to fuck you hard, right?” I say closer to him and he opens his eyes wildly

“Harry!” he shouts, slapping my arm and pushing me away from him, making me fall into the mattress from laughing. “I was drunk.” He whispers

“You were?” I raise my eyebrow

“I-I was…” I laugh. My ass he was, what an excuse

“But you remember this time, right…?” I sit up once again and he takes a deep breathe when I’m next to him once again. He whispers a tiny yes and I keep teasing him “everything…?” I whisper in his ear, making him whimper while he nods and bites his lips. I love his state right now so I decide not to stop by here “how I kissed you,” I kiss his jaw “touched you,” I kiss his neck “felt you around me,” I kiss his shoulder “how I made you scream and moan…” 

“Fuck!” he moans. I smirk and at the same moment I make him looking at me by his chin to kiss his lips. But, like, I really try my best to kiss him properly, make him understand that the only person he’ll want to kiss from now on will be me, I’ll make him think about me as much as I think about him. I kiss him till he forgets his own name, till he understands how much I love him and how much I want him to love me back.

I kiss him till we’re laid down on bed and I’m holding myself on top of him, stroking his hair while making his lips red… but the moment, for my sadness, is interrupted when “Hello? Who’s in there?” I know too damn wel, l by how loud and pitchy this voice is, comes from

“Rachel!” I groan in annoyance when Louis pulls away, I’m probably fuming and by Louis’ expression now, I bet he’s too. If it was another person to interrupt this he’d probably look less irritate.

“Helloooo!” she knocks strongly at the door this time and Louis takes a deep and loud breathe. I’d really wanted to stay in bed all day with him now but I think it’d be really hard for us in this situation. “Can you open the door? I’m the owner of this house y’know?!” does this girl even exists?

“Please shut her up.” Louis whispers looking at me and his face is actually funny. But what am I gonna do? Open the door and tell her to leave us alone? While I’m naked? With Louis? She doesn’t even know that I’m gay… or bi… or whatever. She thinks I’m the straightest guy on earth. Shit. I don’t have a clue on what to do now. Louis is pissed next to me, probably nervous too and I’m here wondering if I should just tell her that I’m with Louis, explain her calmly or-

“Look I have a spare key and-“

“FUCK RACHEL, JUST WAIT!” that was the second option

“Harry?” her voice is still loud but this time is in confusion.

“Yes it’s Harry! Wait a second.” I sigh and Louis looks at me in concern. “Let’s dress ourselves or she’ll break down the door to come inside!” I joke but my heart is beating so fast and I have the slightly idea that Louis notices it but decides to get up from bed and grab his clothes to dress himself. After some seconds just looking at him I do the same and I’m actually pretty quickly at doing it.

When we’re ready; and we could have been quicker if Louis didn’t decide to take the bed’s clothes and put it at the side because it’s the least we can do, right Harry? – he was being nice but a part of me was saying that on the inside he was just laughing diabolically and I don’t want to know the reason why -; I open the door from the room and thank god Rachel isn’t here anymore and decided, for her own good, to wait downstairs.

I’m surprised by the fact that this house doesn’t look as bad as I expected and even more surprised when we walk to the kitchen and the only people we’re faced with are my three friends.

“Good morning guys…” I say a bit unsure. I don’t even know if it’s really morning, but that’s not the thing, they stand up from the banks in front of the island of the kitchen and look at me. I think Louis is trying to hide himself behind my back. “Erm… so serious right in the morning” I laugh nervously when notice their looks. Fuck this isn’t going to end well… this is the worst thing that could happen and worst, Louis has to see it.

“Morning Louis!” Anna decides to say with a smile. I always liked Anna. Always smiling and being convenient when I need it the most.

“M-Morning.” I hear Louis’ tiny voice. The others don’t say shit and is seriously getting weird, because we’re here, all the five, stood up in the middle of the kitchen glaring at each other.

I sigh “Look guys, can you cut it off please and just ask the question which answer is fucking obvious?” I don’t give a shit anymore really, I just hope they handle this well because I have Louis here and if it’s to discuss this kind of things and ask me and say inconvenient things I’d prefer it better in other time.

“Did you take off the sheets at least?” Rachel finally speaks, in a half serious, half joking face and I think is the first time I hear Louis laughing due something she says.

“Oh for fuck says.” I laugh a little too because I’m glad that she took the tension away

“Now serious man, you could have told us!” Mark walks towards me and puts his arm around my shoulder

“Don’t you trust us anymore?” Anna asks pouting and when she pouts, is to take her seriously.

“Of course I trust, it just… I think it never came up the opportunity to say it.” I anxiously answer. It’s wasn’t only that, it was also the fact that I didn’t know that they’d react well but I sure didn’t think right last night, because it was pretty obvious. To be fair I never imagined that I’d have to tell them this thing about me, for much weird it can appear to be.

“But it’s okay mate, all right?” Mark tells me with a smile and I nod smiling as well “and I’m happy you found a good fellow!” this time he smile at Louis and puts his other arm around his shoulder as well, to put him closer to him. I try to see Louis’ face and it’s good that even if I know he’s still embarrassed, he’s trying his best to smile. 

“Give me a hug!” Anna runs towards me and puts his arms around me “I’m proud of you!”

“Okay guys, enough” I laugh pulling her away. Rachel didn’t say anything else, it kinda worries me, but at least she’s smiling at me so I smile back. “And we should be going now.”

“Wha-Why?” Anna pouts once again this time already holding Louis. I think they got on really well after all.

“We, erm, we have-“

“We’ll be leaving tomorrow, so we need to pack some things” Louis interrupts my stammers. I almost forgot that little detail, I was loving being here. It’s my hometown, I got to see my family and being with Louis. Everything is just perfect and I want it to keep being. I’m kinda excited to go back, I’m curious about how things are going to turn on… I don’t know, here we’re kinda on our world and when we go back to London we’ll have classes and go back to campus, to responsibility, to that dorm, to our friends… it’s weird to think about how are we going to deal with it. Am I overreacting? Jeez, it’s like I’m Louis now… but I’m worried. Is that bad?

We say goodbye to them and after some I’ll miss you and it was nice to meet you Louis and finally, tell me when you come back, we managed to walk to the front door with Rachel right next to us and I was waiting for the time that Louis would slap her not even caring if she’s a girl or not – he needs to stop hating people who are nice to him and I say this in my mind in the most amused and friendliest tone possible – but that never comes, instead “Harry wait,” Rachel stops me by my arm when we’re already outside the door and Louis turns around to look at us “I just need to have a quick talk with you.” She says taking me by surprise.

But what takes me even more is when “I’ll wait for you in the car.” Louis says, taking the keys from my pockets and leaving us. Weird morning should I say.

“So, I just–I want to apologize myself…” She starts and I look confused at her. Why is she apologizing? Especially this way. I think she doesn’t know the reason as well by how she chuckles. "God, I just... Wow" She isn't saying anything with sense 

"Rachel, look I don't think that-" 

"I always had this certain idea of you, you know?" I know. As I already said, she always thought that I was the straightest guy on earth, so I’m not surprised by how she’s reacting. “A part of me thought that, eventually, we’d come back to be what we were.” What? “I think a part of me will never stop loving you.” Another shock to the collection.

“I thought you had…” I start but don’t expect myself to finish, just hoping she understands

“I thought that too…” she sighs and looks down “You were so special to me… you were always there and I just…” I know. Once again. I was always there for her because I always cared a lot. She never liked to be alone in this big house so I’d make her company when possible, we could know each other for a long time but every day we got to know something new. I wasn’t only her boyfriend, I was also her best friend. I was her first and she was my first so she’ll always be special to me. I’ll always love her as well… but in a friendly way. Louis is different, I expect her to forget about us when we were younger. Because that’s just it. We were teenagers. People change, feelings change and our friendship changed. I never had this hope that I’d come back here and everything would be the same, I know it’s impossible. We grew up.

“Rachel…”

“I’m sorry.” She laughs to hide her feelings “I bet Louis hates me. He saw us in the kitchen and I didn’t help during the night, hum?”

“Yeah…” I scratch the back of my neck. Dammit, she looks kinda hurt and I can’t handle this.

“I’m happy for you,” She smiles. Even if her smile looks genuine, I don’t think she’s really happy. She needs to be happy for herself, not for me. That’s not how this works. “just promise… promise me you won’t forget.” She drops her smile and looks at me. I know what she means.

“I…I promise.” I nod. I won’t forget. Stop feeling is different from forget and I always want to keep my good memories. She smiles once again and I smile back and after going away I make sure to hug her and say a proper goodbye.

When I reach the car Louis is sat on the passenger seat, listening to music from the radio. I open the door and get in “I thought you’d never come back.” I was waiting for his rude remark, but even thought I laugh due it.

“I’m actually shocked that you allowed me to stay alone with her.” I comment and he buffs, crossing her arms against his chest. “not knowing what we could do…” I tease, I love watching him jealous… or just simply pissing him off. He looks mad at me and I laugh, but quickly stop laughing when his face gets more pissed. “I’m joking” I quickly say.

“What did you two talked about?” he looks away from me. So he’s really mad now?!

I don’t think I should tell him about what she told me. There’s no point of making a big deal of it. “She just apologized and yeah…” he looks unsure at me and I know I’m not convincing him. I hate lying to him, I always tell him everything… But the things is, why does he even want to know about this?

I’m so stupid, of course he wants. We had sex, I think we aren’t just friends now and I need to explain him this things. So I turn on the car, shut the music and while I ride back home I explain to him everything. Everything really. What we talked, how my relationship with her was, what both did in the past, everything so Louis could have a clean and bright idea of the truth. He basically knows everything about me, so why would I keep this from him? And it’s not like it’s a big thing. She was my girlfriend and for what it seems now I like boys. I mean, he knew the thing about Bryan as well, but that was kinda different.

“Okay.” He says after everything. We stayed on the car, on the driveway even when we arrived my house. He didn’t interrupt, so I only focused on his face expressions and now he just says okay?!

“That’s only what you’ve to say?” I raise my eyebrow

“Do I need to say anything else? I believe you and to be honest I don’t think you own me any explanation about the matter.” What the hell?

“Louis, you wanted me to tell you what we talked about and now you come with the you don’t own me any explanation shit?” I seriously don’t get this guy, I love him a lot but sometimes his shit pisses me off too.

“Fuck, okay ‘m sorry.” He takes his hands to his hair “But I’m fucking jealous okay? I spent the whole time with jealous when you were around her and it’s hard to know that now. You said your friendship changed but you still say she’s special to you even if you two are only friends. One thing was Bryan and another is her. And this case just pisses me off…“

“Louis!” I laugh. Finally he expresses some feelings “Don’t… don’t worry!” I offer him a smile “Don’t worry, babe…” I lean over to him to kiss his lips, softly, slowly and passionately. There’s so much I want to say to assure him that there’s only him now, but I don’t find the courage to so I hope this kiss proves everything. After pulling away I kiss his forehead, while caressing his cheek. He keeps his eyes closed and I take the opportunity to watch him with a smile.

When he opens his eyes and finds me looking at him, he blushes and hides his face on his hands “Ugh, this is embarrassing!” he groans and I can’t stop but laugh again.

I take his hands away from his face “I’m happy…” It’s the only thing I can manage to say.

“You’re stupid.” He jokes and shakes his head. “But… you make me happy too y’know?!” fuck yes. That’s what I wanted to hear, because no. I didn’t know this.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> from now on the chapters will always be in Harry's POV. you might understand why in later chapters.

Harry's POV 

Yesterday and this morning passed too quickly, in a blink of an eye Louis and I were already on the train, heading back to London. It sure cost me like hell to face reality and that today we have to come back, to say goodbye to my mom, my sister and even to Robin, to say goodbye to my hometown, to know that I’ll only see my friends again on summer and it cost me to say goodbye to the time I spent with Louis these last two weeks. Because we were kind of on our little world and now we’re going back to the real one. If I see better, not only yesterday and this morning went too quickly, it was this holidays and I think it was because I didn’t want it to end.

We’re half way now and I’m still thinking how things are going to be when we get back to campus. Are we going to tell our friends? Well Niall knows, by now, half of this but what about Liam and Zayn? Yes because they’re the only people that matter here and I really wanted them to know that Louis and I are… are what? What are we? I don’t know, but to be honest, for now, I’m fine with what we are. I mean I’m able to be with Louis like I always wanted to so why complaining?

He’s now sleeping with his head upon my shoulder since we didn’t get much sleep last night. We watched half a movie, we went to my balcony to properly see the stars, we talked about shit – not literally – we had time to snog and we even went to the convenience store to see if they had ice cream because Louis had that sudden strange desire for it. So why not running through my neighbourhood, in pyjama, in a cold night to buy ice cream?

Also my mom didn’t comment when we got back from Rachel’s house just by noon, my sister gave us some glares but they said nothing about me and Louis. Yet they think we’re dating but I did nothing to clean the misunderstanding.

I thought about a lot of things that I don’t even realise to fall asleep with my head rested upon Louis’, until I wake up and the train has stopped because we reached the station. “Lou…” I shake his shoulder and whisper to wake him up. My neck hurts by the position I stayed for almost an hour and by the way Louis groans in pain and takes his hand to his neck too, shows me that his, aches more than mine.

I laugh by how lazy and sleepy he seems to be by the way he takes his bag and walks out the train. He doesn’t talk either but I don’t interpret it as a bad thing even if I want him to talk with me all the way so I can know what he’s feeling, so it can be easier for me to know what he’s thinking about.

But I need his touch – and he knows, since forever, I need to feel his presence around me – so I don’t hesitate to take his hand to mine, tangling our fingers together. He looks carefully at the gesture, almost examining that so he can ask himself if that’s right or not, and when looks at me I smile, assuring him that yes that’s completely okay and he nods. He nods and I deduce that he told himself that holding hands with me is fine. And he has that idea all the way till we walk to the bus stop, he still has it when we’re sat on the seats from the bus and he keeps it when we walk to the campus and finally spot the big gate from it.

The moment we’re walking to the inside, is the moment my phone buzzes on my pocket, so I drop Louis’ hand to get it. “It’s Niall” I tell him and he nods as if was telling me to go on and answer it

“Hey mate!”

“Harry!” he almost screams “did you arrive already?” I hear Niall’s voice and I won’t lie and say that I don’t miss him.

“Just now, I need to get to the dorm to unpack my stuff.”

“Hum, can we meet later then? We can have dinner somewhere, I also need to pass by the music store, if that’s okay.” He says and all his suggestions are just excuses to see me. This sounds cheeky and snob but it’s actually the truth. I do the same with him actually, just make up something so we can be together for a while when we could just say Hey wanna hang out?

So I chuckle and answer “Sure bro.”

“Meet me at my dorm and we walk by there.”

“Okay, see ya”

“Bye!” even by listening to his voice I can tell he’s smiling.

When he hangs up the call Louis speaks “Is he already here?” I look at him and his eyes seem so tired, his hair is messy and his voice sounds raspy. I also notice that he’s probably freezing. The weather in London seems cooler than in Holmes Chapel so he’s only wearing a shirt and his denim jacket with fur. I just hope he doesn’t get another cold.

I nod to answer him “and he said to meet with him, is that okay?” I ask not even knowing why I’m asking for his permission and he seems not to understand it too

“Of course…” he raises his eyebrow and I realise what a stupid question I made.

“Right,” I shake my head “let’s go to the dorm to settle our things.” I say changing subject. He nods and I put my arm around his shoulder to bring him closer to me “You’re shivering.” I comment and he shrugs. He never cares about his health… or it’s me who cares too much…

When we reach our dorm, Louis makes me save my things so I don’t have to make it later. I’m too lazy to do it but he still makes me to put my clothes on my wardrobe, save the stuff I had on my bag and get everything ready for when I come back. At the end I see how tired he is for helping me doing my things after doing his and I seriously think about telling Niall to delay our meeting for tomorrow “Are you going to be all right?” I ask just to make sure

Once again he looks weirdly at me and asks “why wouldn’t I be?” he yawns and I see that he just needs a nap… or maybe sleep, really.

“Hum, go to sleep Lou.” He sits on his bed and takes off his shoes and after it I give him a kiss on his forehead “I’ll try to be back early”

“It’s fine!” he seems to be already sleeping, which is cute to see. He rubs his semi opened eyes and lets himself fall on his bed. “I’ll just wait…” he speaks slowly and lowly, snuggling himself on top of the cover from his bed.

I chuckle and grab the blanket I have at the end of my bed to cover him. I know he’s still awake but I also know he won’t speak again, neither move. The room is dark enough to make him comfortable and I know he’s fine now so I grab my coat and walk out of the room, noiselessly.

~*~

Niall and I decide to eat pizza so we had to walk a little bit more till we reach the Italian restaurant we expected to go. When he saw me, knocking at his dorm’s door, the first thing he did was hugging me like he did when we arrived campus in September, even if we had seen each other three weeks ago. He’s always like this and I actually find it adorable. I think the reason why we got along this well since the first day we met, is because Niall is just like me. His personality, the way he thinks, the way he sees things and then has the same perspective and opinion as me, how he lives and sees life… The only thing different is, he can be more serious than me when we need to be. It’s not that I am not. I can be very mature when I need to… but that’s it, it’s only when I really need to, because there’s no point of overreacting and making a big deal of something that can screw my mood up.

For example now “Are you even listening to me Harry?” He asks in annoyance, obviously. I’m perfectly calm and trying not to make a big deal of what he’s saying because there’s no need. Although he’s being so serious, talking so severely, doing his best to make me see his point that is making me losing my appetite for the pizza I have in front of me. And damn I was hungry.

“Fuck, yes I am Niall. Now let’s finish eating.” I say trying to make him change the subject

“Harry!” He talks a bit loud and I look around to see if people are looking at us. Thankfully the restaurant is too noisy to drag the attention I fear. “I’m worried about you,” why is he even?! He doesn’t fucking need to “you might be too blind to see clear!”

“Don’t you trust Louis?” okay I’m ready to blow up. When Niall acts this way, he doesn’t even seem like the Niall I admire. I know he cares for Louis as well, they are really good friends so I don’t know why he’s doubting about all of this and told me millions of times to be careful. I don’t know what Louis is been thinking, I don’t know clearly what he feels, what we are now, what is going to happen in the future, I don’t know a lot of things… but I am sure about one. I love Louis and right now I have him like I wanted so I don’t want this to be over, I’ll do my best not to.

“I don’t know…” he speaks lowly now “I don’t know if I can right now Harry…” what? “I never thought that… that you’d ever have a chance with him. I wished you had, but I never thought you could” I look widely at him, what’s all of this now?! “And now, out of sudden he decides that he has feelings for you?” he looks so mad that I need to narrow my eyes to make sure that Niall is the person I have in front of me. “I mean does he even has? Harry do you guys even talked about it?” Of course what he’s saying makes sense but I don’t wanna listen to it now. I know Louis won’t hurt me… I know, I know, I fucking know! “You have no way to-“

“Shut up!” I say louder than he spoke previously and I think this time we catch some people’s attention “You don’t know what you’re talking about!” I’m so pissed now, I can’t even swallow everything and keep my thoughts to myself. His words actually made me feel dismayed 

“Harry…”

“He wouldn’t wanted to have sex with me if he didn’t feel something!” thank god I spoke this words in a lower tone, because they come out without me even thinking. Sure I share everything with Niall because we already have this confidence with each other, but I wanted to keep this to myself, especially after knowing what he thinks about all of the situation.

“Fuck Harry, again?”

We didn’t even make sex the other time “Not again!” I clench my fists on top of the table “This time was r-real and we were sober okay?” I know he’s struggling with the words he wants to say but knows that if he says it, it’ll be worse. “I’m so happy now, Niall! The fact that I’m this close to him… you know how much I wanted it-“

“Exactly, I’m saying this because I know how much you love him. I don’t want to see you hurt…” he’s desperate, desperate for me to understand what he’s trying to say, to see his point. But I can’t, I can’t hear and interpret his words like he wants me to… and maybe like I should. If I listen to them, if I tell him it’s fine, you’re just concerned and I appreciate it I’m accepting the chance that I have to end up being hurt by Louis and there’s no way I am going to see things that way.

“Louis won’t hurt me. Stop this Niall!” I say harshly

He lowers his eyebrows and clenches his teeth “I’m only warning you, I’m being the friend I should and you’re being fucking ungrateful.” He stands up from the table “When reality finally hits you, I won’t be next to you to offer a shoulder to cry like I always do.” He finishes, taking some money from his pocket and crashing it against the table before leaving, not giving me time to react at his words. I never heard Niall’s voice this tough and even disappointed. He also never looked at me that way. This is why I didn’t want to make a big deal of it. I dared to reply at him, to say what I was thinking and we ended up having an unnecessary fight, which could have been stopped.

I stand up from the table fifteen minutes later, giving time to Niall to walk away from my sight. I pay from our unfinished dinner and zip my coat till I can feel the closure touching my chin. I shove my hands to my pockets and don’t hasten myself to reach campus. I walk in small steps, giving time to feel my body cold from the chilly night. But I try hard to keep my mind blank, not thinking about anything.

When I open the dorm’s door, the change of temperature hits me. Even the hallways are cold and when I arrived didn’t give me time to recover from the cold outside, unlike our dorm. It’s warm and actually smells good. Smells like Louis. I don’t turn the light on, because I know he’s still sleeping, I can hear his calm breathing. I take off my coat and even my clothes, putting on some pyjamas pants that I find on the chair, in front of the desk. I think they’re here since we left for Christmas and are from Louis, which doesn’t make me choose another ones.

I walk towards Louis’ bed but stop midway. Maybe is better if we sleep in different beds tonight. What if he wakes up next day, finds me next to him and reacts like he used to? I think I’m being this insecure because of my conversation with Niall, but the fact that I didn’t care about it when it happened, doesn’t make me change my mind when I turn around and walk to my bed instead. Even being half past night, my eyes seem pleasant by the dark and my body comfortable enough to make me ready to fall asleep. I was tired too, but preferred to go out with Niall as an alternative. If I knew it was going to end up like it did, I would stay with Louis like I first thought about. And if I knew I was going to feel this lonely and sad after what happened, I wouldn’t have turned away and would walk to Louis’ bed. Because I need him. I need his arms around me, or otherwise, I need to hold him. I just want to be sure he’s with me.

And it’s before the sleep takes over me that I feel my bed moving and a body being pressed against my back. “Why didn’t you lay down next to me?” He whispers. His voice sounds croaky but his body is warmer than my sheets which satisfies me. “I missed you.” he says and all my worries seem to disappear when my lips curve into a smile. I turn around to face him. His eyes are open and he smiles. Maybe because of my smile, or maybe just because of the look I give him. “Why do you always have a gentle look on your face when you look back at me?” He asks, but I’m not sure if he really wants an answer so I just put my arms around him and push him closer to my chest. I kiss his hair and I feel the pressure disappearing from my shoulders.

I just need this. Being close to him to the point of being capable to smell his hair, feel his heart beating against my chest, being warmth by his body… I don’t say a word and I don’t think I even need to, to express my feelings towards him. For a moment I want to tell him how much I love him, because this is just the right moment to say it. I want him to hear it again, assuring him that when I said it the first time I wasn’t joking at all. They just increased from that day to the present.

I don’t really know what stops me. But I decide to say it only on my mind hoping that he hears it. But I know he won’t. But I think that, for now, is fine. Is fine that he doesn’t hear it as long as I keep expressing them with actions. And as long as he’s with me, is fine for me too.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just let u guys know thay this next weeks will be hard for me to edit the chapters to post since im going to travel, so it will take a bit more time to update. Sorry .xx

“Harry wake up, c’mon!” I hear Louis for the fourth time. I can’t believe he’s being this patient with me. He’s talking softly and even shaking my shoulder gently. If it was the old Louis he’d have slapped me, maybe pushed me out of the bed, shouted and insulting me or–wait the old Louis wouldn’t even be on my bed this calmly or without first screaming. The old Louis would have been already up and wouldn’t have cared if I skipped classes or not. Well maybe the last part is not completely true, he was always complaining about me skipping classes because I’m here to learn something useful for my future. I like this Louis the best. But I’m lazy and want to sleep so I’m going to disown this first day of classes. We just arrived yesterday, what’s the thing about having classes already? “Harry!” he shakes me again and I feel like he’s pouting, but I’m not sure. I’m awake since the first time I heard him calling for me, but I still keep my eyes closed, however I open one eye lazily now and yes, he’s pouting and he looks so adorable after waking up. “We’ve classes in an hour!” he tenderly says. I say tenderly not due the words he says, but due his tone of voice, followed by his body being pressed against mine and he brushes our noses together, making me giggle. Did I remind myself how much I love this boy?

“We’ve plenty of time.” I croakily say, trying hard not to giggle. “Let’s just stay here.” I wrap my arms around his torso and put him on top of me, so he’s now laid down on my chest. He laughs by the quick movement, tapping my chest. His eyes are crinkled which shows me that he’s truly happy. But… you make me happy too y’know?! And that’s so important to me. I’m finally doing what I wanted to. It’s like a full time job, making Louis happy. 

“Harry we can’t” he says, still laughing with his hands pressed on my chest

“Yes we can!” I say loudly and in a joke tone 

“You lazy arse!” I hold him tightly when he tries to get up, releasing himself from me. The way his face shines, the way his laugh echoes in my ears, makes my heart melt. “Let me go, let me go!” he shakes himself and tries his best – or not – to unwrap my arms around him, but with no success 

“Oh, you’re being naughty” I tease “I think I’ll have to punish you!” I say in a smoky voice. He stops right away and looks at me almost asking What are you going to do? I raise my eyebrows and smirk and in a blink of an eye, I turn him around but press my body against his right away. “By kissing you!” I shout and start kissing his exposed neck, his cheeks, his forehead, his nose, his jaw and he just laughs. But he’s enjoying it and he’s laughing to hide his moans. I know he is because he parts his legs, allowing me to be between them and gently pushes the hair from the back of my neck, pressing me closer to him. 

“Harry!” he stops me by taking my face in his both hands, leading me so we can look at each other in the eyes. I can feel his hot breathe hitting my lips and I see him licking his and it’s so fucking sexy the way he does it, I just want to do it for him and then kiss those lips and take advantage of it to––my thoughts are stopped when Louis presses our lips together. It’s not that calm. It’s rushed but long, he seems to explore all my lips, his tongue travels along my bottom lip and I allow him to explore my mouth. He’s doing with me what I wanted to do with him, but I’m not complaining. 

I don’t even remember how he ends up on top of me again and my head is now rested on his pillow, because he never separates our lips. He crashes them, almost harshly, like he wants to make them swollen. He takes my bottom lip between his teeth now, biting and pulling it but is quickly to kiss me again. I travel my hands along his back, up and down, up and down… he keeps his both hands on my cheeks and when we finally separate our lips he takes advantage of it to pull my head to the side and bite my neck, suck the skin, making me moan in both pain and pleasure. 

He’s driving me so fucking crazy. I wanted to stay in bed just for a little bit more but now, now I don’t even want to get out of this room even if the air starts to become heavy and hot, like our breathing. He passes his hands through my naked chest and I can’t stop but shiver due the fragility my body has with his touch.

I put my hands under his bum and push him to me, it might have been a bad idea since his crotch rubs on my boner letting me desiring him more and more. “Fuck,” I breathe out and Louis smirks. When did he become this tease? 

He kisses my cheek now more smoothly till I feel the gentle touch of his lips pressed on my ear, leaving small kisses. He keeps doing it, stroking my hair and I’m just in my most fragile state, exposed to him. In this moment I can’t do anything but to be concentrated on the way his hands travel down my body and his lips explore my skin. 

I grab tightly the border of the mattress from my bed when he moves, creating friction upon my underwear. “D-Don’t do that…” I whimper and my voice comes out shaking and husky while I shut my eyes firmly. 

“What?” he whispers and then kisses again my neck, biting it at the end, making me twist “Oh, this?” he moves again, rubbing up and down on my crotch. He grabs the back of my neck to bring our lips together and his moves are all sync, all rushed and wild. The way he moves his hips, the way his hands grab the small locks of hair from my nap, the way his eyes travel down my face, as if he was trying to find something. All of this makes me dizzy and is all blurry except him. And it seems like he found what he was looking for, when he stops on my eyes, making me drown on his blue ones.

His hand goes down and I feel him stroking my cock under my boxers. He even seems to know how I like it, how he should move his hand to pleasure me. He makes small strokes, massaging my head and going along my length. The most amazing in all of this is that he’s not even looking down, he’s not even worried about how this may look like, if he’s doing wrong or right – even if he is – he’s looking right straight in my eyes and I think that’s his way to make sure he’s doing it right. 

He makes faster moves and fuck I know I won’t last too much because of the way he’s looking at me, the way I always day dreamed about his hands on me not even bothering to feel embarrassed about it and this is one hundred times better. “L-Louis, I-I…” I gasp and bite strongly my lips to make the less noise possible, even if it’s almost impossible. My knuckles turn white from grabbing the mattress and Louis just smiles looking at me, I know he’s enjoying seeing me this way and I think that’s what makes me cum all over my underwear. “Shit,” I say trying to catch my breath looking at the mess I did, I mean, he did. 

“You liked it…” he smoothly says and I never blush but I think that would be the time when I’d do it. I can’t believe I lasted for such a little matter of time. 

“This is not fair,” I say and this has a lot of meanings. It’s not fair what he does to me, how he makes me feel… makes me experience things that I never had the opportunity to with other people, just because he’s Louis. It’s not fair how he looks at me and even though he thinks is a normal way to look at people. It’s not fair how weak he makes me feel, how sad and happy he makes me feel at once. It’s also not fair the beauty this boy had received. 

But I think he just interprets that in the wrong way of the whole good ones I intended to. So his smile drops and his face changes, as if he just woke up now and he’s pretty shacked. His cheeks turn red and I think his whole person changes “S-Sorry…” he drops his gaze from me and sits on the other side of the bed “I think I-I let myself go b-by the moment…” his voice sound low, but loud enough for me to hear “Sorry!” he repeats with a sight

“Oh no,” I say quickly and sit down, to get closer to him “no, Lou. It’s fine,” I put my arms around him and he looks widely at me, as if he wasn’t expecting me to do this “it was fine.” I smile to assure him. It was more than fine, it was the best way to start a day. “Fuck, it was more than fine.” I say what I was thinking which makes him blush once again. “Cute!” I chuckle and he looks at me. But the look he gives me, is not the one he used to give me when I called him cute and he blushed. It’s a different one, maybe is his way to say thank you, to show that now is fine for me to call him that because I promised him I’d always remember him about that, I don’t know because maybe I’m interpreting things in the wrong way too, but one thing I’m sure, this is a good look. 

He drops our gaze seconds after looking down at my lap and starts laughing “If I were you, I’d change underwear before going to class,” he jokes 

“It’s your fault,” I say and when he tries to protest I roll my eyes and don’t even give myself the opportunity to understand what he wants to say, because I tangle my arms around his neck to kiss him, shutting him up. The kiss is not as rush and wild as it was his, but it’s not particularly soft. 

“Harry,” he laughs between our lips, trying to pull me away but he knows he doesn’t want to and even if he wanted he wouldn’t get out of this triumphantly.  

We pull away startled when we hear someone knocking at the door, quite strongly. “Louis? Guys? Are you awake?” I hear and recognize the voice. However there is a second one too, saying something I can’t hear properly but then again I can recognize this one too. 

“Shit,” Louis mumbles under his breathe and stands up from the bed in a quick move. “Y-Yeah we are!” he shouts back quite stressed “Quickly, dress up Harry!” he says moving his hands in front of me. I look weirdly at him, shocked with his reaction but he seems not to notice it when starts undressing his clothes. Well at least he won’t have problem with dressing himself in the room from now on.

Eventually, I manage to stand up from the bed to undress myself as well when Louis is, by now, ready. Saying it this way looks like I took ages to do that but no. Louis took twenty seconds to get ready and I’m not even exaggerating. “Louis you have-“ I start but he looks at me widely, cheeks flushed and shouts “What the hell, dress yourself Harry!” oh yeah I’m naked now. He turns around and I shake my head, because he’s an idiot. He says that I am the idiot here, but sometimes he’s in a whole another level. A superior one. He is just so- “HARRY!” He shouts once again and I realise that I stood here looking at the ceiling, thinking about crap, naked. 

I’m forced to dress myself in a rush and Louis ends up opening the door for Liam and Zayn after two minutes. It’s a record for both of us to get ready in the morning. 

“What was going on in here?” Liam asks bow his brow looking at Louis “And why are you wearing your hoodie in the wrong side?” Zayn laughs while both walk to the inside. Liam keeps his weird face and Louis gives me a glower and I can hear him mumbling Why didn’t you warn me? I shrug looking back, because I did try to warn him, he was just too busy freaking out. “So…?” Liam asks, still waiting for an answer after Louis having dressing his hoodie correctly. 

“Oh, you want an answer?” he’s an idiot, I said. “W-We were just, erm-“

“They were fighting,” Zayn finishes Louis’ answer “obviously.” He gives me a look which I can’t understand quite well 

“Yeah, we were!” Louis says making me break the gaze between me and Zayn to look at him “Harry was just pissing me off…” what?

Liam hums but drops the subject by hugging Louis suddenly “I’m sorry for not having talked to you properly through this holidays. I just called you once and it was only to make sure you were okay,” Liam starts when pulls away and he seems to be truly sorry. I remember listening to Louis’ phone once when we were in my house, so I suppose it was that time Liam called. I’m just surprised that Louis didn’t tell me it. Or not, yeah maybe I’m not.  “I feel like a shitty friend now and-“

“Liam,” Louis laughs a little “it’s fine, I was fine.” He smiles and I look at him, hoping that he’d be looking at me back, but no. He’s not. 

“No you weren’t Louis,” He looks down and sits on the edge of the bed. Zayn keeps quite looking at them both. “I know you are never okay with this…”

“Erm, Liam I-“

“Louis stop with that,” I know what he’s talking about and I also know Louis is anxious and Liam is concerned so this conversation is just starting to be awkward.

“Liam, he was fine he actually went to-“ I start but “Look at the time, we’ve classes in fifteen minutes and I want to drink coffee before it, let’s go!” Louis interrupts suddenly and once again I look at him weirdly, along with Zayn and Liam, but he decides to ignore, grabbing his things and opening the door. I also cannot stop the knot I feel on my throat and my heart is kinda beating fast from the nerves. 

I know the reason of it but decide to pull it back

~*~

When my last class of the morning and the day finishes, I walk to Louis classroom, as always, and he’s already waiting for me. When he spots me he gives me his typical warm smile, this time mine is not as bigger as it usually is and he might notice it when drops his and looks at me carefully when I reach him. “Let’s go?” I ask and I really need to make a softer voice, because this one came out too firm. I think it’s because this walk through the hallways made me think about things I shouldn’t and to sum up when I saw Niall this morning he basically ignored me. I wasn’t expecting anything else but a small part of me was hoping that he’d come to me so we could talk. Well if that’s what he wants… for us to keep mad at each other, fine. It wasn’t my fault that we fought. He was fucking stupid and the one who has to be mad here should be me. Well and I am. A lot actually. 

“Erm, yeah…” Louis frowns “Everything all right?” 

“Yes,” I offer him a smile “but we really should go because I bet Liam and Zayn are already waiting for us.” I say and maybe is my instinct, maybe my desire or even my feelings that speak louder when I grab his hand, trying to intertwine our fingers together but as soon as Louis pulls away I regret it deeply. “Fuck, ‘m sorry Louis!” I take the same hand to sink my fingers into my hair

He also looks regretted at me with his eyes wide open “It’s fine, I mean… It’s me who should say sorry” he sighs and looks down so at the end we just gave two steps and are still close from Louis’ classroom. There aren’t many students here now since Louis’ class finishes earlier than mine so he just stays here waiting for me. I’m not quite sure why he never came to pick me at my class, but to be honest I like to have this idea that after my class I’ve to pick him up so we can walk together to have lunch then. “You are not okay Harry, I know. And I also know the reason why…” he doesn’t meet my eyes “I know I should have told them that I spent Christmas with you but I think… I think that it wasn’t the right time and also, I wasn’t ready to just tell them that.” He says and I decide to be honest with him

“Christ Louis, there is nothing to be ready about. You weren’t going to tell them that you were going to get married, you were only going to say that you spent Christmas with me. And I suppose we’re friends so what’s the deal?” he looks at me a bit surprised, probably because he didn’t expect me to tell him that. 

“You… You’re right!” He replies and I win by being even more surprised. I was waiting for him to start a fight, because that’s always how we end our conversations but I think this is a progress. 

“I am?” 

He nods “You are… I was being stupid and overreacted, as always.” He finally looks properly at me “I don’t know why I got so… nervous.” He admits “I think if they started to ask me questions, I wouldn’t know what and how to answer them.” This turns me back to ask myself what he thinks about us, about our relationship. I don’t know what to say back at him so I keep the silence and I wished he had something else to say because this is just awkward. “I’m sorry, I’m going to tell them at lunch.” He finishes

“Do what you want, Louis.” I say and the words sound mean. They sounded better in my mind but my tone is not mad nor harsh, I try my best to come out soft. And I think he takes time trying to understand if I’m mad or not. “Let’s go okay?” this conversation is being strange and the air seems to be tense and he probably feels the same when nods and follows me next to me out of campus. Our quickly walk to the restaurant is quiet but as soon as we spot our two friends they do too and wave at us so we can walk towards the table. 

“Everyone is late today!” Zayn says when we take our sits, so I’m next to Louis and in front of Liam. There’s an empty chair next to me, in one of the tips of the table and I’m supposing they’re waiting for Niall. I don’t think he’s coming. I hope he doesn’t actually, I can’t stand looking at him now and I realised it when he ignored me when I saw him this morning. I was pissed when we fought and now I’m beyond pissed. I ask myself how he’d react if he appeared, how’d talk with Louis, how me and him would act around each other, everything. “Where’s Niall, Harry?” He asks then and I was expecting this question but hoping I didn’t have to face it anyway. 

I simply shrug and “I don’t know.” I say and I might be showing too much how I don’t care about it 

“How don’t you know?” Zayn raises his eyebrow 

“I just don’t know…” I try my best to play cool

“Is he even coming?” Zayn continues

“Of course he is.” Liam speaks and I’m afraid you’re wrong my friend. I don’t really want to tell them that we fought because I had to find a good explanation and it would be pretty damn hard because Niall and I usually don’t fight. It’s even hard for me to get mad to someone. Well Louis seems to be an exception and even that I didn’t get mad at him as many times as he deserved. 

“Well I don’t know about you guys, but I’m going to order.” I say, they’re probably going to wait for Niall and if that we’ll be here forever. 

“Won’t you wait for Niall?” This time is Louis’ turn to speak and holy shit but this people really have to make me feel this trapped. I don’t know how I am going to get through this without telling them the truth 

“I don’t think he’s coming.” I decide to say. I’m hungry guys please let’s just drop it. 

“Why?” dammit Zayn. 

I try my best to resist not to pull my hair out of my head “Because he was going out with his roommate. Yeah that’s it, he told me yesterday and I just forgot.” I’m never good at lying but Zayn and Liam seem to believe it so, thank you lord for hearing me. 

Unlike Louis. He looks carefully at me and leans over “What happened between you and Niall?” he whispers and I decide to just shake my head as an answer, because I know if I talk I’ll be raspier than I should. However he understands I don’t wanna talk about it, even so he gives me a sad look. I just really feel down about all of this that came together. Louis and I and our non-existent relationship, Niall and I and his honesty. I suppose he just wanted to help but what he said wasn’t something I expected and wanted to ear. 

The waitress appears and we make our order. After some minutes in silence Liam decides to speak “So how was your holidays Harry?” he asks smiling. I think he’s feeling the tension in the air which to be honest is making me feel really uncomfortable. I also can’t stop playing my conversation with Louis. This confusion is making me sick, I know it’s too soon to label this but I love him so fucking much, I don’t want to be like Zayn and Liam and be friend with benefits, that doesn’t work for me. But I feel like he doesn’t even want to tell them about us – whatever we are – and that’s probably because he, like me, doesn’t know what we are and that’s bad, because we might be anything really. The fact that he didn’t say he spent Christmas with me just make me even more hurt. Nevertheless I keep hiding it the best I can.

“Good.” I say and I know he expects me to say more, saying it with a big smile on my face like I always have, especially when I talk about how I spent my holidays with my family. “They were really good.” I give him a small smile. This is the best I can do. Why am I being so tense and serious? This is not me.

“Harry is everything okay?” Zayn decides to speak and looks at me with a curious expression. Even if Niall and Louis are the ones who know me better and I can still fool Liam and Zayn sometimes, they still know me so well, it’s hard to pretend something around them. 

“Yes I am fine guys, jeez.” I feel Louis eyes on me but I ignore 

“I was expecting more enthusiasm coming from you.” Liam says “C’mon you always have good stories to tell us when you come from holidays.” That’s true and this time I have tones of them that I want to share. Other ones I want to keep from myself. And there are others that I want to share only with Louis, or more like remind them. 

But instead of sharing my happiness with them I share my silence. In my mind I’m telling them, I’m picturing me telling them how happy I was with Louis next to me. How my little cousin showed him her love, how he overflowed happiness when he saw the snow falling, how he only laughed and smiled through the days and didn’t give me one frown, how we got along so well that hardly ever fought… 

I feel a hand resting on my thigh and I look directly at Louis. He nods when meets my gaze and then turns to our friends “He basically took care of me. And that’s the story.” He chuckles making them confused 

“What?” Liam raises his eyebrow 

“I spent Christmas with Harry in Holmes Chapel.” Liam gives us a more confused look, almost shocked even and Zayn smile which is cute but… weird? “I know,” he sighs “but if I didn’t agreed with going he’d probably had kidnaped me.” He says half joking half serious 

“Wait, wait, wait.” Liam shakes his head “Are you saying that you went with Harry to spend Christmas with him and his family?”

“That’s right” Louis says happily. The way he says it, with his eyes bright and his face shining changes my mood completely. 

“How is that-how did you two-“ Liam seems so lost that is actually amusing. 

“I want to listen to everything.” Zayn interrupts Liam’s stammers and rests his chin on the palm of his hand, showing interest. 

I try to speak but Louis just takes over it “Well, Holmes Chapel is amazing, now I get why Harry loves it so much. And the snow, oh the snow… makes everything so beautiful. We went to a fair and the amount of things we could do were unbelievable…” 

Louis shares everything I wanted to share with them in my turn. I keep the whole time watching his face, how his eyes crinkle when he laughs, how he licks his lips once in a while like he always does when talks too much, how he talks with his hands, how his words come out from his mouth… His voice is so soft and tender, he’s telling them this with so much passion but almost in a rush as if he wants them to know about these things as soon as possible, because he can’t wait to reach that part. He can’t wait to see their reaction to what he’s about to tell. 

I love this boy so much, so much that I can’t express it in words anymore. I used all the ones I could and now there’s not even one left to use. He kept his hand rested on my tight the whole time so I don’t resist to put mine above his later on. The food arrives and he doesn’t stop talking. They listen to him carefully and with attention and Louis doesn’t allow me to say word but I don’t mind because I got to know his point of view about our holidays and listening to small details that only him could caught. And now I can say that I’m feeling better after hearing this and the fact that he told them with this happiness, that he was with me this whole weeks, makes me have hope. 

Maybe we need to give small steps, maybe is too early to tell them that Louis and I are like we are now, maybe I need to wait a little bit more for him and respect whatever he is thinking about… because I’m happy and he’s still next to me. 

“You could have told me that you were with him sooner.” Liam says after Louis catching his breath when stops and we finish our meal. 

“It just… it didn’t come up.” Louis answers and I make my best not to think too much. This is the first thing that would come up in his mind, but I might understand the reason that made him not saying it. 

“Sure Louis,” Liam says wryly. “but anyway. Thank you for taking care of him, Harry!” He smiles at me and I nod grinning

“I’m not a child who needs to have someone taking care of, Liam.” Louis rolls his eyes and I laugh 

“You sure babe?” I joke and he slaps my arm playfully. Zayn kept the whole time smiling, he never said anything, he just smiled at me and once in a while I’d smile back. It’s weird but warm and somehow I want to thank him for that, even not knowing the reason behind all of it. 

“Well we have classes now, better if we start heading to campus. Are you two staying?” Liam asks then, putting some money at the table and standing up followed by Zayn

“I will probably go to-“ I start but Louis talks upon me “We’re going to the cinema.” He says and I look confusedly at him

“We are?” I ask raising my eyebrow. Louis looks at me and smiles nodding  

Liam tilts his head “Have fun then!” Zayn finally speaks and holds Liam hand, waves at us with the other one and they walk away.

I look with a questionable look at Louis and “I-I want to watch a movie that is going to be on the cinema only till tomorrow, so I thought that you could come… with me.” He says somehow unsure “Sorry for being so out of sudden,” this is so Louis “but if you don’t want to I can-“

“You idiot, of course I want” I chuckle making him blush. I can’t believe this is the same guy who made me cum this morning or the same guy two months ago “Shall we go then?” I ask standing up and he nods doing the same. We pay for our meals and walk out from the restaurant. 

It’s cold outside, but there’s no snow falling down. There are people, with big coats and beanies walking around the road. But for the first time I look at the naked trees, at the grey sky, at the street lamps covered in snow and don’t feel sad for them. I notice how Louis gets closer from me holding me by my arm and that simple gesture warms me up. I look down at him and kiss his temple before start walking. He looks up back at me and gives me a small smile, which reaches his eyes. I put my arm around his shoulders to keep him closer from me. 

Maybe I can pretend that we’re dating in this moment 

~*~

Louis ate half of the popcorn before the movie started and the other half were wasted when he let them fall out from my lap, because I took them from him and he started to fight with me, trying to have them back. The few of them that were at the bottom got stuck on my hair because he decided to throw them at me. I’m so thankful that the movie theatre was almost empty and the small amount of people were all in front of us. Apart from the noise no one seemed to be bother with us. Okay everyone was getting annoyed by us but I couldn’t stop laughing when Louis started playing with our straws and throwing popcorns trying to reach the front row. I thought we were going to be kicked out from there so that’s why when the movie was over we ran out of there before everyone else and agreed not to go to the cinema together anymore, because that’s not for us. 

“Let me tell you that when I came here with Bryan I didn’t have half of the fun though” Louis says out of sudden while we walked back to the campus. Even if I’m happy with the compliment I can’t hide my discomfort by hearing that name and remembering that person and how Louis got along with him. And now the night when Louis came back from their date was playing on my mind. I was jealous, mad, angry and was fucking stupid but I just wanted to punch that guy in the face and shout at Louis to open his eyes. “Fuck, sorry.” He bites his lip and we keep walking, with my hands sunk on my jeans’ pockets. 

“It’s fine.” It’s not. That asshole didn’t have what he deserves, I just hope he doesn’t try anything else with my Louis. We’re going to see him again for sure and, shit, Louis will going to see him anyway on the football practise. 

“I shouldn’t have said it. Besides I shouldn’t be comparing you with him.” He says honestly 

“Yeah you shouldn’t.” I say but laughing, in a joke tone 

“You’re way more beautiful and nice than him.” He laughs, walking radiant like a child next to me. He’s so cute that makes me melt 

“So now I am beautiful?” I smirk 

“You always were” He giggles. He fucking giggles “I think I just never gave to the work to remind you that.” He softly says, stepping in front of me, making me stop and look at him carefully “like you always reminded me.” He gives me a closed mouth smile.

Regardless of being in the middle of the sidewalk, I give one step to be even closer to him. I make him look up at me by his chin and lean over to join our lips together. They’re cold, they’re both cold but we might warm them up now with slow movements. He holds himself with his hand rested on my shoulder and depends on the kiss. It’s passionate, slow but I fancy it this way. When we pull back I don’t step away from him right away neither open my eyes, I keep close from him to feel his hot breath hitting my lips. At the time I open them, I see a pair of blue ones, almost grey, looking back at me. His cheeks are lightly flushed and his lips plump and redder. 

When he grins at me I decide to pull back and give him a last glance before start walking again. But I’m stopped when I feel Louis’ taking my arm, so I’m forced to take my hands out of my pocket and feel Louis’ cold ones holding them, intertwining our fingers and once again, I think we can warm them up together. 

~*~

Later that night, when Louis is in his bed, after preparing myself to sleep as well, I decide this time to join him on the sheets “Hi.” I give him a pleased look, surprising him by holding myself on top of his curved body. Fuck, his body is so beautiful I want to kiss him all over again. Mark him, pressing beautiful words on his skin, pass my fingertips through him… I want all of him. 

“Hello” he chuckles and I press a kiss on his nose before sliding to the other side with a sigh. This bed is so fucking small, it’s not even fair. “You okay?” he asks pressing our bodies together and tangling our legs under the sheets 

“Yeah.” I simply say, offering him a small smile.

“Listen,” he starts, tapping my chest with his fingers. “don’t lie to me, okay? I’ll know if you do it.” He continues making me confused “You and Niall… you two are not okay, are you? I noticed it by the way you talked about him at lunch.” His eyes show me concern when I look back at him. 

I take a deep breath, making his body moving along with mine by my chest going up and down “No, we’re not.”

“What happened?” I break our gaze and look away. 

“I don’t want to tell you.” 

“Why?” is voice is not mad, neither disappointed, just sad and worried 

“Because I don’t wanna lie to you.” I simply answer. I won’t tell him the reason why we fought, I can’t. I don’t have the courage to either. 

It takes some seconds for me to hear Louis again “Hey,” I feel a light weigh on my chest and shoulder and then Louis’ hand on my chin “it’s going to be all right.” He softly speaks and presses a kiss on my jaw. I sink those words in my mind, to save them for later so I can remember them when I think about things I shouldn’t and that worry me out. 

We stay enjoying the silence for a time till I decide to cheer up the mood by reminding myself of something I heard “Hey Lou?” he wraps his arm around mine tighter and hums in response. I feel him breathing on the curve of my neck, this is how I want him with me. “I was in this class this morning and two guys were talking about how they got laid in the New Year party.” I start already laughing and he chuckles. He always does it, he knows I’m about to tell him something funny and only by hearing me laughing, it makes him too. “So one of them, instead of saying I got laid he referred to it as riding the bologna pony” I amusedly say 

“What?” He laughs pulling himself away from me so he can hold himself with his elbow in the mattress and his head rested on his palm. 

“And that’s not all, the other one answered him buddy you can’t say that, that way. The correct term is pitching my tent near a waterfall” he falls himself down the mattress laughing, putting his arms above his belly

“I can’t!” he cries “Are this people even real?” he says between laughs. I laugh along him, not only by remembering it but also by looking at him in this state. I just want to keep his laugh forever in my mind so if I ever feel down I can play it on my head and feel better

Maybe I can even remember it when I reach the day that we have to fall apart. 


	31. Chapter 31

Things are going all right, I presume. I mean, it’s been only five days since we came back, but it was five good days. It’s the fifth day and I still have Louis next to me. Liam and Zayn still don’t know about anything, they think we’re acting the same way and nothing have changed, I suppose. If someone has to tell them something is Louis. I think that just the right thing. Besides he knows I love him, I fucking know he knows it so if he wants to call us boyfriends telling his friends about it, I’m beyond fine. That’s not the problem here for him. But I still don’t know what his problem is. I still don’t know anything, but it’s okay for now.

Niall and I still don’t talk with each other. Liam and Zayn have already noticed it because Niall just doesn’t stop hanging around with us out of sudden. I don’t just stop being around him, talking about him, going to his dorm to play games, hang out with him out of sudden and four days were enough for them to find out that something was wrong. But I think if Niall didn’t walk behind us without saying a word they would still take any excuse I was up to give.

It’s now 9pm and I’m taking the advantage that Louis is out for practise, to study. In this an hour and a half, probably only half of it was useful, the rest was useless. I’m so anxious about Louis being around Bryan. The last time they were alone Bryan was so all over him, I don’t even wanna know what would happen if I didn’t appear. I don’t know what he wanted to take from my Louis. I doubt that he loved him, Bryan only loves himself and he’s happy when hurts the others. He gives good impressions of himself to get laid and when people really start caring for him he runs away. I was so naïve when I was younger. I can’t believe I left Rachel because of him. I was lying to myself, to her and to my friends.

Anyway, it’s no good for me to think about the past, I promised myself I would never do that so I can be happy. I am happy now with Louis so I’ll only think about the present. Not this actual present, that is happening right now because I am only surrounded by books and worried about Louis. I just want to hear the sound of the door being opened. Maybe I’ll call Niall to come here so we–wait. Right. I can’t.

So maybe is better forget the books and lay down on my bed. It’s weird though because it’s Friday night, I’m tired and in the dorm waiting for Louis. Not only had he changed this couple of months so did me. I could be in a party, getting drunk, flirting with some chick but I’m not. So I think Louis helped me to change. I take off my clothes to be only in underwear, but still grab a pair of Louis’ sweatpants – even if they reach above my ankle I love wearing them just because they’re his – grab my earphones and my iPod and rest my head on the pillow listening to music, in a loud volume so I can’t hear my thoughts. I close my eyes and focus on the lyrics of the music and the only thing I allow myself to think about is some blue eyes.

I don’t know how much time I stay like this, how many songs I skipped and how many I've heard. I don’t know how much time it took for my eyes to feel so heavy, for the sheets being warmth by me and… for me feeling some lips being pressed on the bare skin of my neck.   
I slowly open my eyes and take off the earphones to spot Louis’ pretty face and hear “Hi!” he grins and I give him lazy smile. He looks so happy that I’d be just fine to sit and watch him with this same grin on his face. If he’s like this for seeing me then I just want to hug him and cuddle under the sheets forever. “Tired?” He asks snuggling next to my body and I can’t believe I didn’t give for his presence before while I was listening to music, because he had time to change clothes. Fuck, he’s only wearing boxers and one of my oversized sweaters. He looks so fucking cute but sexy at the same time. So precious and adorable and, jeez I love him so much. I don’t even care that his hair is wet and his body is cold. He smells good and I want to warm him up.

“A bit. I was just making time, waiting for you.” I answer passing my fingers through his back till I put my hand under the shirt to make small invisible circles with my thumb on his hip. I’m already too used to fall asleep with him next to me that I think for much tired I was I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep without knowing that he’s safe next to me.

“Thank you.” He simply replies, wrapping his arm around my waist and at the same moment putting his leg above mines and tangling them. I never imagined he could be a cuddler like this.

I can’t hide my anxiety anymore when “How was the practise?” I ask

“Good.”

“You know what I mean.” He knows. “Did you see him?” of course he saw him but I just want to make him talk

He sighs and looks up at me “Of course I saw him.” He answers as it is the most obvious thing to say. Well yeah it probably is. “He tried to talk to me.”

“Fuck!” Louis pulls away from me, probably because he knew I’d pull away first to stand up from the bed “I knew I should have gone with you.” Louis sits up quickly looking at me walking around the room, passing my fingers through my hair “That little shit… if he tries to do something... Did you fucking talk to him? Louis I swear to god if he-“

“Shut up Harry.” He shouts. He was trying to speak while I was stressing out, but nothing that he could say would make me quiet and stop my protests. I hate that guy. After everything he did he had the guts to try to talk with Louis? I fucking warned him “I didn’t hear him, I’m not that stupid to go easy with him after everything.” And if you were, you wouldn’t hear him neither.

“Okay then. But you won’t ever talk to him again, Louis!” I stop and look at him to make my point clear and firmly

“Harry-” I know he doesn’t like when I say these kind of things but he needs to understand, fuck, he understands the reason why I’m saying him to be away from Bryan. He didn’t hear me the first time and look what that ended up to. This time he needs to hear me, he saw it, he owns me it.

“No,” I interrupt him “if he tries that again you'll tell me,” I might be talking too harsh and severely but the fact that we’re talking about that guy makes me angry. The fact that he tried to talk with Louis… if I see him in front of me “I’ll fucking hit the shit out of him” I speak out loud

“Harry!” he repeats kneeling on the bed and looking at me strictly but I ignore

“And if he keeps with that shit, I swear, you’ll get out of the team! I don’t fucking care, you won’t see him” I say without thinking and that’s the limit for Louis

“Harry, stop!” he shouts and I just made him angry, great. “You’re kidding right?”

“I am not.” I know it’s not right but I’m serious. I don’t want Louis around that guy, I want Louis by my side and I want to make sure he won’t be fooled around with him anymore. I want him safe with me. It’s not that I don’t trust him, but… fuck I don’t know!

“Yeah right,” he spits “I won’t stop playing because of this shit and because you tell me not to. You know that I hate when you act like this, you don’t have the right to tell me what to do.” He says and I swear, the Louis I hear is the Louis that told me he didn’t give a fuck if I hated Bryan or not because he liked him and wouldn’t stop seeing him because of me.

“Are you okay with this Louis?” I pass my hands through my hair again, in unease. “I know him and I know he doesn’t give up easily.”

“That’s not the thing here, I-“

“Last time I warned you and you didn’t fucking care Louis!” I interrupt him. I needed to say this out loud and by the look I give him he understands how pissed this makes me feel. This is all unnecessary but I can’t control my anger. I keep walking around the room to calm myself but it doesn’t work. Not when we’re fighting and Louis looks mad, I feel like he doesn’t care about what I say because I don’t have the right to say that. Fuck it, I care about him so I won’t listen to that shit “Don’t tell me I don’t have the right to tell these things to you because you know too damn well that I have and the reason of it.” I can’t shout at him but my tone is not low. With what I say I fear his answer. “I can’t allow this. I can’t fucking stand the idea that you were with that guy,” I clench my fists “and that he fooled you.” Louis looks like is going to explode with my words, but he can’t find his to fight back so I continue “You fucking liked him and I’m still furious about that!” I say but now I lower my voice because saying this out loud is painful. I always show my weakest part at Louis – and Niall but that doesn’t count, I presume – so he needs to understand that I do that because I trust and care about him. I know it’s a stupid idea of mine, the fact that he’ll get that by this, but I just have a slightly hope that he can see my feelings by how I act.

“Harry,” he doesn’t shout this time, his expression softens and he sighs “Why are we fighting?” he asks looking at me and that makes me calm down a little “Come here,” he stretches his hand so I walk towards him “I didn’t want this.” He says when I sit next to him, looking at my lap. This is so fucking stupid.

“I’m sorry.” I whisper because half of me doesn’t want him to hear it.

He puts his arm around my shoulder, putting me closer to him and ignores my apology. Maybe he didn’t hear it after all. “Forget him.” He says. It’s not simple “Why can’t you do that if I already did?” he says and I meet his gaze straight away. Is he saying that he forgot about him? Like, for real?

“You did?” I look desperate but relieved and a part of me lights up

“Yeah.” When he gives me a warm smile in assurance, makes me believe more deeply in his words

“B-But can you promise that…” I stop just making sure if I really should continue “that if he tries to talk to you again you won’t listen?”

“Harry…” he starts and I know it’s to protest about what I am saying so I don’t allow him to continue  

“No, please Lou. Promise you won’t ever talk to him again” he hesitates a bit and his lips form a straight line “please…” I beg. I want him for me, only for me. It’s not creepy… what I’m saying is not creepy. Is love, I love him so it’s normal to fear that… that maybe he doesn’t feel the same for me and somehow ends up forgiving B-Bryan.

“Okay.” He says then looking at me. “I promise. I promise but don’t lose your temper like this again.” He says and instantly my lips curve and I smile at him nodding frenetically. “Let’s sleep now, you look tired.” He says pulling me into a quick hug. It’s kinda awkward due our position but at the same time I like it because Louis’ arms are wrapped around my torso and he rests his chin on my shoulders. When we pull back he manages to push the sheets till the end of the bed so we can lay down under them.

We do everything in silence. I lay down next to Louis, our bodies are closed to each other since the bed is small but we don’t properly tangle our bodies together, in a way I feel different… He turns off the light from the nightstand and I just know that he’s with his eyes open, looking at the ceiling while I move to the side to a better and comfortable position, so I’m practically with my head rested upon his shoulder. “Louis?” my voice sounds unsure and almost insecure. Maybe is the tiredness and the fact that I don’t speak too loud.

“Hum?” he doesn’t move

“Are we… are we okay?”

“Yes, yes we are.” He answers immediately so a big weight gets out of my shoulders.

“So… are you up to a cuddle?” I ask almost amusedly now

“Of course” He chuckles and I feel him moving now and I know that I’m going to be the big spoon. So as soon as he settles down I put my arms above his body and put him close and closer till I can feel literally his body pressed on mine, so I can’t feel the gap between us, so I can be sure that he’s not going anywhere. I tangle our legs and sink my face on the back of his neck till I can smell him. I let out a sigh and I feel him shivering but don’t bother with it. “You know… we could always join my bed with yours to have more space” he says in a low tone so if someone was on the other side of the room couldn’t hear.

“I know…” I say as low as him “But… but then we couldn’t be this close.” I answer “and I like being this close to you Louis” I can protest a lot about the lack of space but if the bed was larger I couldn’t wake up with the weight of his body on top of mine anymore, I couldn’t wake up sharing one pillow with him, I couldn’t wake up face to face with him…

“Oh, I like it too.” His tone is honest and I smile even if it’s just to myself.

I slide my hand down through his arm till I reach the end of the fabric to put my hand under his shirt, feeling his skin against my fingers. He’s warm and I hold him tightly in my arms. I place a gentle kiss on his nape and he sighs with pleasure due the whole gestures. “Goodnight Lou!” I whisper

“Night Harry” he answers and his answer makes me fall asleep with a smile, making me forget about our fight and all my worries.

~*~

A month and a half passed really slowly and it made me think that Louis and I always acted the way we are now, that he was always mine. It seems that my Friday nights were always spent on the dorm, cuddling with Louis while watching a movie till he’d fall asleep upon my shoulder, that my Saturdays were spent out with him, just having fun, taking long walks and going to the music store, dinner out and just having a normal date, that my Sundays were spent lazily in bed with Louis’ body warming me up. It seems that I’d always have the willingness to wake up in the morning through the weekdays because I knew I’d have Louis just to myself and we’d support each other and be around each other always and at the end of a tiring day we’d have each other to make ourselves feel better.

I never thought that my days in the university would be so good like they’re now but I just need to thank Louis to always put his massive effort to give me his biggest smile from the day, even if he’s sleepy and tired after studying too hard or coming from the practise. I always remind myself how much I love this boy and I tell him mentally that. I just don’t say it out loud because I’m still too scared and wanna keep with things going all right.

But with all of this, it seems that Niall and I never met and never were friends. We still don’t speak with each other and I’m so used by now that when he walks by my side I don’t even blink, I don’t even feel guilty, I don’t even expect him to stop me from walking to have a chat and solve things because we’re being too ridiculous. I know my best friend–well , I know Niall too well so he won’t do it so soon and right now I’m being too stubborn to give weak part and maybe I’m being too selfish too because I have Louis like I wanted to and he wasn’t right. Niall wasn’t right, Louis didn’t and won’t hurt me. He wasn’t right so is him who needs to apologize and give the first step. I won’t lose my best friend like this, but I’m still not ready to have him back, if it makes sense at all.

“You’re late, as always!” Louis says when I reach him almost out of breath. He tries to make an annoyed tone while rolling his eyes but fails when gives me his usual warm smile, the one I like to think that is always reserved to me.

“Well I’m sorry princess!” I joke leaning over to peck his cheek “But I bet Zayn and Liam are going to be late as well.”

“Of course.” He laughs grabbing his backpack from the floor and tangling our hands together to walk to the canteen, this time.

On our way we’re faced with Bryan and of fucking course the dickhead has to look at us with his stupid petulant smile that always makes me wanna punch him. If it wasn’t for Louis I’d do that. God, he’d be with a deformed face for so long. But I can’t. I don’t understand why Louis still grabs me strongly when we pass beside him, how he whispers a calm down and how frightened he still looks. The good of this is that he doesn’t even has the courage to look at Bryan so he keeps his head down while Bryan keeps his eyes on him. It disgusts me and I can’t understand the grin he always gives us. I hate him so much, hate is not even the right word because that’s too brand. Louis assures me that he hasn’t hurt him, that he’s been okay to handle. I believe him but I still feel concerned every time he goes out of the dorm’s room to the practise. However he promised me he wouldn’t talk to him ever again so I know he’ll keep his word.

We reach the canteen and wait for Liam and Zayn after their call. They don’t take much time so as soon as they arrive we get the tray to put our food and walk to an available table, which in this hour, is pretty easy to find. It’s the usual then, we talk about things that occur in our mind and finish it in half an hour. Since we only have classes around three, we walk to Liam and Zayn’s dorm to play some games together. I considered me and them really good friends before everything but now I see how wrong I was. Only now I can consider us that, our friendship has grown up so much this last month that is incredible.

“You two are cheating!” Louis says and it doesn’t surprise me since every time we play this car’s game he has to say it because he always loses.

“Shut up Louis!” Liam laughs squeezing Zayn’s leg and I think he doesn’t even realises he’s doing that.

“It’s true, you always end up in second and Zayn in first. I always lose.” He pouts like a child and I need to make a big effort not to kiss him right here, right now.

“That’s because you suck at this game” Liam replies mocking him and I just laugh.

“It’s not true.” He crosses his arms against his chest.

“Even Harry wins you so just admit it” Zayn speaks this time and I notice that he has now his hand above Liam’s which is still in his leg.

“Hey!” I play hurt giving him a glower and he just shrugs, chuckling as if saying it’s true. 

“Well that’s true!” Louis jokes, seeming relieved

“Louis!”

“I’m sorry babe!” He puts his arm around my shoulder, putting me closer to him and smiling at me. I should be surprised by his sudden act but I’m busy looking at his beautiful blue eyes and Liam and Zayn appear to be used to this by now, even if this is probably the first time Louis referring me as babe in front of them. I like to think that he’s much more confident with all of this now, so it’s fine.

“You two,” Zayn starts making us look away from each other to look at him “are getting along really well hum? I think spending Christmas together made you open your eyes!” Liam hits him in the arm, making him stop talking and I don’t know how to interpret his words. Louis, slowly, takes his arm around my shoulders but doesn’t say anything.

“What Liam means is that we’re really happy that you two are finally acting like friends and aren’t fighting all the time.” Liam says giving us a smile but then different looks for me and then for Louis. “Oh and Harry…” he looks concerned and more serious now “I hope it’s not just me who misses Niall this much.” Fuck. And no you’re not Liam. “That dickhead makes every day better and I don’t know what happened between you two but I think it’s time to solve things…” Louis said to me the same thing a week ago.

“Yeah but is him who needs to come and apologize.” I answer him the same I answered Louis.

“What happened, Harry? Really, you two never fight, I can’t understand what happened that made you two so mad at each other.” And is stupid being this mad but I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

“Liam,” I hear Louis’ voice “I think we should just change subject.” I thank Louis mentally for this and Liam decides to leave it for now.

~*~

Unlike the frantic performance of fuck that descends after a night on the town, making love in the morning is deliciously unpretentious, relaxing and slow. With the dust of sleep in our eyes, an arching back and a contented and effortless giggle, I embrace Louis body in mine, holding him, pressing my fingers tightly on his waist, thrusting him slowly while leaving soft kisses along his spine with silence promises and pressing my chest on his back. Gathering him in, as our sweaty naked bodies touch each other, as our ankles and buttocks writhe together under the sheets, as I hear his silence moans above me by my hands stroking his cock teasingly as much as possible, eating his prostate over and over again I can produce a grin in the person I love before the new light of day has even touched his eyes.

We keep our eyes closed as we enjoy the touch and to make it seem that the space is reduced at only us as well as when we make our best to kiss clumsily as if that is the only way to breathe.

My hair keeps falling down in front of my face and I bite down on my bottom lip to hold the words I want desperately to say but when I cum and hear Louis whispering my name between gasps and a loud moan and after letting out a string of fucks I open my mouth to say “I love you” and I know he hears it and I’ve told him before the last time we’d fuck I didn’t want that, I wanted to make love. But we only have making foreplay or sucked each other so no making love or fuck thing. But this time we did it and I couldn’t keep this words inside of me. I still love him and the feeling is stronger since the last time I said to him. I just needed to remind him and made him see that I wasn’t kidding and for me this, what we’re having now, is serious.

The only answer I receive from him is his fast breathing and the movement of his body going up and down quickly. I wasn’t expecting anything else, I just said it to remind him anyway. Afterward we join the sun of a Saturday morning with a tranquil, satisfied relish. A tray of toasted muffins appears along with a pot of coffee. If there’s a more perfect way to start the day, I haven’t discovered it yet.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist
> 
> Eyes closed by the narrative
> 
> Say Something cover by Pentatonix (seriously hear it best thing ever)

I almost shout to make him hearing me clearly. We’re coming from the library now to our dorm. I was asking him if he wanted to eat dinner out and then maybe we could give another try to ourselves by going to the cinema, but if it’s for him to be in this silence with a blank expression I prefer to just go to the dorm and watch a movie by myself.

He slowly looks at me to meet my gaze but he just stares some seconds to look away again “No.” he simply answers and I want to shove him against the wall and shout at him to wake up for life because it’s pissing me off. And this is new.

“You’ve been like this for weeks, can you stop?” I say but it’s not really a question and I’m not saying this in a harsh tone or I think it’d be worst for us. When he doesn’t say anything, for my relief, I continue “I know when you don’t listen to the other is because you’re thinking too much.” His head must be a place full of thoughts and it’s sad that I still haven’t had the chance to break the wall that is stopping me to know every secret, every thought, every idea he has in that head of his. I still don’t know half of it. “What have you been thinking lately?” I’m direct because I really want to know what’s been bothering him, if it’s something… I just hope it’s not related to the words I spoke while we had sex. But I don’t think it is, because if that he’d have said something at the time, he wouldn’t have given me a small smile and he wouldn’t be so relaxed and happy–well, normal the whole day.

“Nothing.” And he has been talking less to me, just the necessary and always small sentences.

“Lou…” I speak softly but we keep walking. His head is still looking forward however my eyes don’t look away from him. “Please tell me…”

“I-I’ve been…” he starts but his voice cracks and he stops. I wait a bit expecting him to continue “I think I am in…“ He stops again with a sigh and his words just make my heart beating so fast. I wait and wait but he doesn’t continue and it makes me mad. Not mad from upset, mad from crazy because I want him to end that sentence. The anxiety about wanting to know what he was going to say kills me on the inside.

“God, you’ve been acting so weird Louis!” I say instead of Fucking end that sentence because you’re slowly killing me. 

“I’m not!” He says and finally adds some expression in his face and another tone instead of the cold and soulless I’ve been listening from him

“Yes you are, I want my Louis back.” He murmurs something in reply, something that I’m not sure if I heard correctly. Something like I’m not your Louis. I hope I’m wrong and I just heard it badly but I don’t ask him to repeat afraid of the answer. Afraid of being right.

~*~

“I’m heading to the practise!” Louis says focused on putting his stuff on the bag. I look up from the book I was reading – Louis’ influences – to look at him. I think he got more beautiful since the day we met. This thought already came up on my mind more than once but I pulled it away because how’s that even possible? The beauty he had was huge, it’d be impossible to gain more. But now I see how wrong I was and yes he got more beautiful.

“Okay, be careful!” I speak the same words I say every time before he goes out from that door and before he walks towards me to give me a kiss of goodbye. But this time he’s walking directly to the door without even giving me a second glance “Oi!” I protest “Aren’t you forgetting about something?” He looks above his shoulder when stops and raises me his eyebrow “My kiss.” I give him a cheeky smile hoping that he comes back to normal but then he gives me a frown. However, for my relief – and my health because I thought I was going to have a break down here – he walks back, with a sight, towards my bed and leans over to press our lips together. At first I feel like he’s so tense, I feel like he just wants to pull away because this is feeling differently but then his hand rests on my cheek while moving his lips in synchrony with mines. When he pulls back he joins our foreheads and caresses my cheek with his thumb. I look at him with a smile on my lips but he’s with his eyes closed. “Lou.” I whisper noticing his expression. I think I’m really getting crazy but I’m sure his expression is from pure sadness but he’s thoughtful and I think that’s why he looks sad. His thoughts are killing him, I want to help but I can’t because I don’t have a clue about what is bothering him. We’ve been doing things right and slowly, I don’t know what made him like this.

His expression quickly changes by my voice, he opens his eyes and pulls away “Hum, yeah bye then.” He says and in a moment I’m seeing him grabbing his bag from the floor and at the other I’m listening the shut of the door.

What’s going on? Something is wrong here. I miss his laugh, his happy face, the crinkles in his eyes when he smiles truly, I miss our long talks, I miss our snogs, his soft kisses, his fond looks, our cuddles… but mostly I miss the Louis who gave me the necklace I never take off, the Louis who told me I make him happy, the Louis who I was being so close to and… the Louis who told me that everything was going to be all right… but at the end what he said wasn’t the truth. This is not all right, things aren’t all right and I don’t know what to do. I love this boy so much, I don’t want to lose him and I feel like slowly, I’m losing him… and losing myself.

~*~

Things got serious on a Thursday, I want to blame Zayn for that but I think I would be being selfish. It was all fine, I even though Louis was coming back to his normal. He finally gave me a proper smile after telling how good he looked in the morning because he thought he always looked like a zombie which is the complete opposite, and at the end he allowed me to give him a kiss. But not a simple one. It was soft, long and I gave every piece of me because we haven’t had one of those in a month.

But then… then Zayn said something that made Louis went crazy. I saw that coming… not Louis’ reaction, but Zayn’s talk. Louis reaction was everything except what I was expecting from him after what we’ve been through. After what we shared and the words we whispered.

“So guys…” Zayn starts making us looking away from our plates “I-I… Are you…” He stammers and I bow my brow. He takes a deep breath to compose himself and if looks could kill, Zayn would be definitely dead by now by Liam’s one. “Are you two finally in a relationship?” Louis chokes himself in his water and I look widely at both at time. Liam looks mad at Zayn and his lips move probably just to say Zayn and making him see what he just did.

What now? What do we do now? I know Louis wasn’t ready to tell Zayn and Liam what we are… but that’s the problem, it’s been four months since we started this and we never, I repeat, never talked about us. I don’t know what we are and that’s not only weird but wrong, saying that we are only friends now is pointless and ridiculous.  

When Louis stops coughing and Zayn shrugs by the look Liam gives him – and I think he might have kicked him under the table – I decide to speak “Erm, k-kinda…” I say unsure. Not unsure of what I am saying–okay kinda… UHG I’m so freaking confused! But I consider ourselves boyfriends even if we never said it but we’ve been going on dates, we kiss, we fuck, damn we do everything a couple does, so what’s the deal?

Louis starts coughing again by the surprised looks our friends give us and the Reallys and whats they say “Excuse me?” He turns his attention to me now and I frown by his mad expression.

“You two are dating?” Liam asks in a low tone, almost afraid of speaking those words, looking widely specifically at Louis

“We are-“ I start but Louis interrupts me

“You shut up!” he almost shouts and what the fuck? Why is he making this scene “We are not!” he quickly turns his gaze to his friends. He seems so damn lost and anxious “We aren’t and I don’t fucking know how and why you came up with this shit Zayn!” I look shocked at him.

“So this whole thing is shit for you?” I ask maybe too loud not caring where and with who we are. “Are you even being yourself here, Louis?” he’s not. He’s not Louis.

“What are you talking about?”

“You gotta be fucking kidding me!” he can’t be talking serious. He’s acting as if he doesn’t know what we are talking about, as if I dreamt everything and the moments we spent were all a fucking lie, my imagination. “You could think a little less about yourself in this situation and not being doing this to me now.” I speak truthfully. I’m not saving everything on the inside. Not now, not anymore.

“Harry, calm down.” Oh so now you talk lowly “Calm down and let’s skip this.” I’m literally looking at him with my mouth opened like an “o”. This is not happening.

“No fucking way. A thing is not being comfortable enough to talk about this another is doing what you’re doing.” Humiliating me basically.

“Harry let’s talk outside.” He lowers his head while standing up from the table. The attention from the people on the restaurant are all in us but I could care less, I don’t even bother myself to notice the looks from Zayn and Liam before following Louis outside.

“What was that?” I speak right away I feel the natural light hitting my face

“It’s me who needs to ask that.” I take a deep breath to control myself by what he’s saying “What the fuck Harry? You shouldn’t have answered him-“

“Why? You were going to do it?! Were you going to answer properly at him?” I’m getting so mad and I hate this feeling.

He doesn’t reply right away “Probably not, but I thought it was going to be me who’d have this talk with them.”

I laugh wryly, if Louis is not being himself, I’m not going to be me neither “What talk Louis? What talk if we never fucking talked about this? It’s been four months and we haven’t talked about us. Never! How do you think I feel about this?” he doesn’t answer. “Right. I don’t blame you if you don’t know because I don’t fucking know how you feel either.” I shout

“So you thought it’d give you the right to decide this on your own?” he’s mad, he’s so fucking mad. He looks like the Louis from five months ago and it pains me to see it.

“Don’t start with this right thing because it’s all bullshit!”

“Shut up Harry.” Right, he has nothing else to say so he tells me to shut up. It’s always the same

“Fine. You know what? I’m out. I think we shouldn’t be having this conversation right now with this temper.” I say and walk away, not giving him time to speak another word. It’s better stopping this stupid fight here. I’m being selfish thinking this way because I’m only going away not to listen to what he has to say… afraid of what I might hear, because a part of me feels like he has a lot to share with me and half of those thoughts are things that I don’t even dream of listening to.

~*~

It’s 10pm when I hear Louis coming back to the dorm, probably from the practise. I came to bed right after I left Louis this afternoon, I even skipped one class because I was feeling too down to go. But he’s just coming back now and I don’t have a clue what he did after me leaving him alone. If he left too, if he went inside to explain everything to the boys… I don’t know and this few weeks–wait no, months have been this. The constant voice in my head asking me What do you don’t know? What do you know here?

He doesn’t turn on the light and I don’t move from my sheets neither. I keep listening to him moving things and touching in clothes till I hear, for what it seems, him pulling the sheets from his bed on the side. Is he really going to sleep on his bed? Isn’t he going to try to say something?

I wait. I wait some minutes because waiting for this is too much and just after this few minutes the reality hits me. He’s not going to try and I’m so in love with him that is me who’s going to try. Well, when didn’t I try? It was always me trying, because I am the one in love here.

“Lou?” My voice comes out so weak and low, almost in a whisper and I ask myself if that’s the reason why he doesn’t answer. “Louis?” I speak a little bit louder. Probably just five seconds passed when I’m talking again “Louis, please…” I’m so pathetic, I just can’t give up

“Hum?” he’s sleepy. Maybe he was sleeping and didn’t hear me… yeah maybe…

“Are you–Are we…” I can’t find the words… I don’t even know what to say I just want to hear him talking normally at me.

“What Harry?” Thanks god his voice comes soft

“Aren’t you coming to bed?” I say then

“I am in bed.” His voice is still soft and I can hear a smile coming from his lips. Hearing a smile? Do we hear smiles even? I think I just know him too well to know when he’s smiling. So stupid.

“No. I mean in bed… in bed with me.” He doesn’t answer once again and I feel a knot on my throat “Louis, I am-“

“No.” He says and I think he’s answering me. “No I’m not.” He is answering me. “I will… I will just be here tonight. To think.”

I bite my lip and grab my pillow tightly “Are we-“

“We aren’t…” he answers right away knowing what I was going to ask. “We aren’t I just need a moment. I’m sorry.”

At least he’s gentle unlike the sleep. The sleep isn’t gentle at all with me and I wonder if I even got some sleep. Because it’s been a while since I slept without Louis next to me, it was a habit that I thought I’d never get ride off by now. Without feeling is presence, without having my arms wrapped around him, without having sure of him being okay I don’t find the courage to close my eyes and sleep. I wonder if I did that once during the whole night because I wanted that, I wanted to at least dream of Louis being by my side but that moment never came, only the light from outside and the sound of Louis’ alarm.

I stay in bed even listening to him getting up. I ask myself if he got some sleep. He probably did.    
“Harry, time to wake up.” He says and his voice sounds tired and if I was really sleeping I doubt that I’d be able to hear him. But seconds after I move from the sheets and get up from bed because I wasn’t even comfortable so what was the point of staying?

We get ready in silence, walk outside the room in silence and I walk with him to his classroom in silence as well. I don’t know about him but I’m only doing it because I’m too tired and sleepy to talk. 

~*~

I made my best to reach Louis’ classroom earlier, I ran the faster I could to reach in time. I did it because a part of me feared that he wasn’t there and left. And I was right. I was right, Louis is not in the place where I always come pick him up after classes. He just left me. It’s painful to even think this. I never had motives to think that, not until this past month. It has been hell for me, I was so happy with Louis and so out of sudden he’s just acting this weird. I made my best not to make him feel uncomfortable, to go slowly and not pressing him to do anything. I shut myself so many times when I knew I was going to talk about us. I wanted that, damn I love him and he knows that. He has to. I was sure he loved me too. Well at least liked me, I’m not asking for the love I feel for him, but a special feeling. The feeling of wanting that person right next to you and the feel of caring and concern. So it just hurts seeing him like this with me.

We aren’t and I don’t fucking know how and why you came up with this shit Zayn

Was it all my imagination? Was I so madly deeply in love with him that I dreamt about everything?

Fuck. Fuck, no, I’m not crazy to this point, I know it was real. It was.

I run around campus but he’s nowhere to be seen, I go to our dorm but I don’t see him laying down on my bed reading a book. I give up on trying to find him inside the campus and try to run towards the gate. And when I walk outside I stop midway the sidewalk when I can finally spot Louis. My heart just drops, my whole fears torment my head, my hopes fade away and I feel like my heart is coming out from my chest. I feel betrayed. Why? I see Louis with fucking Bryan and if that’s not bad enough for my eyes, Louis is smiling. He’s fucking smiling. And it’s not just a normal smile, is that true, warm smile. The one which lights up my day and could even stop wars. I think I even stop breathing for some seconds because it’s been a while since he has give me one of those. Damn he’s fucking talking with him happily and relaxed and it doesn't only pisses me off but also makes me sad. Sad because he fucking promised me he wouldn’t go talking with that guy ever again. What Bryan did to him wasn’t enough for Louis opening his eyes?

No one stops me, not even my thoughts. Nothing stops me now so I just give with myself walking in long steps towards them and pushing Bryan away from Louis and then clenching my fists together to punch him hard in the face. And when he hits the floor I grab him by his collar because that’s not enough. One punch doesn’t make my anger disappear, just feeds it up. I’ve been holding this since the first time I saw him with Louis and I just didn’t punch him the other times because of Louis but this time nothing stops me. So I punch him again and again, yelling words like I told you not to come around him again, and I don’t know how many times I do that and say more harsh words to him till I finally hear Louis’ voice and someone grabbing me from my shoulder tightly to pull me away from Bryan. I can’t recognise that touch, it’s not familiar so I just move my elbow to push the person away to keep adding anger on my veins.

“I’ll fucking kill you” I yell in his face. Bryan doesn’t fight back, I can’t even recognise his face due the blood. I don’t care, I fucking hate him and I’ve been keeping so much shit inside me so why not just throw it at his face? Literally…

“Harry stop!” It was Louis who grabbed me. With no intention I punched Louis and he’s now protecting fucking Bryan by pushing me away from him. I think I just give up on resisting his touch because I know if I keep doing this I’ll hurt Louis for real so I release Bryan from my hands. He lets himself fall on the floor, groaning in pain and I feel Louis’ hands wrapping my arms rightly   
“What the fuck did you do!?” Louis doesn’t shout this time, he sounds shocked and shaken up. He lets me go and I see him running towards Bryan, crouching himself next to him. I see him helping Bryan to sit properly with his arm around him and with his other hand he reaches his face. I clench my fists, not caring about how painful it is and about the blood that is running through my fingers. “Oh my god! Are you okay. Fuck, you aren’t… Bryan, I’m sorry, talk to me” This scene is something that I don’t want to see and remember and also something that in my normal state I wouldn’t allow myself to watch so I walk towards them and grab Louis by his arm, standing himself and to walk away with him. I don’t care about Bryan, he can take care of himself, he’s making bluff I know he’s all right because he got in so many fights that this was nothing for him. If he wanted he’d make me much worst I bet he just didn’t do it because of his image towards Louis.

“You’re coming with me!” I demand and my voice is firm and harsh

“Let me go, are you crazy?!” he protests and tries to release himself from me. I can tell by his tone of voice that he’s concerned, mad and maybe afraid “We can’t leave him there like that. Harry!”

“We can and we will” I say looking forward resisting at his movements to get away from me. I’m much stronger than him, he can do whatever he wants but he won’t make me release him. I grab him tighter and drag him with me to the campus when he stops walking by himself and pushes me away. Still useless coming from him.

I can’t hear him. I know he’s shouting at me, I know he’s calling me names and saying bad things but I can’t hear him. I ignore. I ignore him and the looks the other students give us. The thoughts in my head are much louder, the fact that Louis broke a promise with me makes my heart breaking in million pieces. That was an important promise and I ask myself if it was today they made up or if it wasn’t in another day. Maybe it was a month ago and that’s why he’s acting weird.

I don’t know how Louis didn’t get tired of yelling at me, since I wasn’t paying attention, till we reach out our dorm. I open brutally the door and get inside with Louis next to me, still grabbing him because I know if I let him go, this time, he’s not going to stay.

I shut the door behind us strongly “What the fuck were you doing with him?” I yell. He doesn’t speak and I grab him closer to me “Louis, talk to me!”

“You’re hurting me, let me go.” He yells back at my face and I let him go. What am I doing? What did I just do? What happened now is the result of me when I don’t control myself. I hate being this angry, being this cold and dark… that’s why I make my best to be cheerful and lively, because I don’t want to be like this. But Bryan just changes my person, makes me lose my temper and when I start a fight, when I feel really furious I lose myself. “What is wrong with you?” he gives a step back and he might just yelled but fear is written up on his eyes. I look better at his face, finally, and I notice that his cheek is a bit red, almost bruised and I remember what I did… I forgot everything that was around me and was so focused on hitting Bryan that forgot that the person who was possibly stopping me by grabbing my shoulder was Louis.

I just yelled at him and I hate doing it. I know that I just made things worse, I know I made shit and screwed everything. He’s going to be–no, he is mad, he is so mad… but he needs to see that I am too and he has his reasons to be mad at me and I have mines to be at him. “Louis…” I give a step forward, my voice is lower now. I want to go back in time when Louis and I were doing just fine, cuddling in my bed and whispering sweet things between our kisses.

“NO, stop!” he says raising his hand. “What–What was that? I’m–You just…” he doesn’t even know what to say. He’s so confused, nervous and all that mixed with the anger he’s possibly feeling… “Harry, that wasn’t you…” at least he’s not shouting…

“Louis… I know!” I run my fingers through my hair. Where am I gonna start? “Fuck, I just… I hate him and you-“ I stop. I should be acting as mad as I am feeling. Louis owns me an explanation “You were with him…” I compose myself and my tone becomes firmer again “You promised you weren’t going to forgive him.” I shake my head and he only looks at me “You fucking promised” I shout again this time “I saw with my eyes the way you were looking at him, the way you were smiling at him, the way you two were talking… like nothing had happened. Can you imagine how much it hurt me to see it? You have been acting strangely around me, it’s been weeks since we don’t have a proper talk, since you smile at me like you were smiling at him!”

“That was no excuse to hit him like you did!”

“Don’t start with shit because I don’t give a fuck about him right now. You know how I feel towards that guy so I’m not here to discuss him with you, okay?” Louis is as surprise as I am with how I am speaking now “You know what he did, how he is and you still break our promise and give him another chance...?”

“It’s not like that Harry!” I know he’s making his best to control himself

“So how it is? Hum? How it is Louis?”

He looks carefully at me and takes time to continue. I give it to him, he knows I am right, he needs to. “He tried to talk to me once again the other day…” he turns around so he’s facing me his back at me and starts walking around the room. I can’t move so I keep stood up next to the door

“When was the other day?” I ask and I hope that he understands what I mean by it

“I don’t know when it was,” he shouts again “a couple of weeks ago I don’t know.” I knew it wasn’t recent “I didn’t give him the chance to talk right away, but then I decided to hear him out…”

“Fuck-“

“I wasn’t convinced,” he raises his voice to make himself hear so I can’t protest “I wasn’t convinced with what he said, but the days passed and he proved his words.” What words? “He felt regretted. He apologised to me and told me he wanted to apologise to you as well because he was truly regretted about what he did to me… to you” he turns around and I notice how desperate he is for me to understand what he’s saying, to believe in him “He changed Harry!” his eyes are full of hope and I open my mouth in shock. Bryan changed? Regretted? Louis is so fucking naïve

“This is a joke,” I just don’t laugh because I’m not in the mood to and the situation that we’re now is not funny at all “You gotta be kidding Louis, Bryan doesn’t change, Bryan will always be a fucking asshole who only thinks about himself. Were you fucking stupid enough to believe in him?”

He frowns looking at me “People always deserve a second change Harry.” He says too serious

“I know him better than you do-“

“That doesn’t mean anything. He deserved this opportunity.”

“He didn’t, he fucking didn’t deserve it Louis. He doesn’t deserve anything that comes from you-“

He keeps not allowing me to continue “How many opportunities do you think I already gave to you? Your second chance is gone for a long time ago. Why wouldn’t I give him if I keep giving that to you?” and he is shouting again “You always think you deserve everything that comes from me,” wrong. He’s wrong. I don’t deserve him, I want him but I don’t deserve him. But I keep that to myself “you always think that I need to do everything you tell me to. But guess what Harry? You can’t, you fucking can’t and every time you acted that way I just wanted to end everything because that’s not what I want for me. I don’t need a person who is with me to keep telling me what I need to do, with who I can be with, a person who thinks that owns me and is the only one who I can be around with. If I wanted that I wouldn’t have left home. And the worst, the worst of this is that you were always like this.”

“You’re not being fair.” I can’t believe the words he’s speaking, I know they are real but I don’t want to believe, especially when it comes from him “I care about you.” I just want everything to go all right. I want this to end, apologise ourselves and forget all of this

He sighs in pure frustration “Fuck, I know and that’s the problem. You care too much and it suffocates me, it confuses me and I don’t know what to do. I feel like all of this is wrong but I feel so...” he stops and I know he’s not going to finish that sentence

I think we really are going to have that conversation in the worst way after all. But if it’s that then we should be direct to the subject “Louis… I–What… am I to you?” then I asked it. We-I never had the courage to talk about it, scared of what is about to come but I want to know.

He freezes looking widely at me, probably not expecting this “What you are… to me?” he says to himself “Harry…”

“C’mon say it.” I’m tired of being this blind and if he’s playing around with me he needs to stop because I fucking love him, I can do everything for him and it’s been almost two years by now since I’m crazy in love with this guy and I never gave up, I always tried and I know I said to myself that would never give up but if he’s telling me right here right now the truth, the reality that torments my head, then I can’t be humiliating myself in front of him anymore. I may be keeping loving him, damn I think I’ll always be in love with him, but I can’t trap myself in this and all of this shit made me realise it.

But I keep listening to this awful silence that is destroying me “Say something or I’m giving up on you!”

His expression shows me worry, surprise and anxiety. He opens his eyes widely, I don’t know why this shock coming from him “You…” once his expression softens it changes again to one firmer and harsh “You are overprotected with someone that doesn’t belong to you.” What?

“What-what do you mean…?”

“You know what I mean. I don’t belong to you and I’ll never belong Harry. I’m not your boyfriend so don’t treat me like one.” Those were the words. The words I didn’t want to hear but made myself hear it anyway. I knew that. I knew that already but hearing it from him makes it more real, hearing it from him makes me think that he doesn’t care.

“What…?” my voice drops, I can’t yell at him because I can’t even speak.

“You heard it.” He looks anywhere around the room but me “You wanted me to say it, then I said it. Now you can give up and forget about everything, finally.” His voice is cold and dead as well as his expression but he looks at me, he looks at me to pass me his point.

“So you were… everything we spent was all…“ I stop, I sound brittle, I know I’m about to cry just thinking about all of this. Fuck I just love him so much and his words are hurting me, are craving me and I already feel lost. “…all a lie for you? You were just playing around with me?” I can feel my eyes burning. I can’t cry in front of him now.

“It–I just needed to feel something. I needed to feel love and you-“

I don’t listen to anything else, I don’t allow myself to listen to anything else. The first thing that comes in my mind is run away and I’m gonna do it but first… first I take my hands to my neck and take off the necklace he gave to me, throwing it on the floor next to him.

-

“It’s like my tattoo, you see?” he says rolling up the sleeve from his shirt 

-

 “You’re using it!” he says touching with his fingers on the necklace he gave to me, moving above his lips

“Of course.” And I’ll never take it off. 

-

Then I just turn around and open the door from our dorm running away from him, from this problem, from this room that only brings me sadness. I can listen to Louis’ voice calling from me but if he thought I was going to stop to hear more bullshit, for him to hurt me more and more, then he was really fooling of himself.

I run and I know where my destination is. I strongly knock at the door, hoping that someone opens it. The pain I feel from my knuckles are the only thing that tells me I’m alive everything else is too blurry by the tears and my body just wants to give up.

The door is opened and “Harry…” Niall’s voice is sad and concerned. The way he looks at me just tells me that he knows the reason why I am here, I don’t need to say a word because he just knows what happened. The way Louis didn’t believe in me about Bryan, I didn’t believe in Niall about Louis. But Louis… He is just… he is just Louis so how? He’s not a bad person, he wouldn’t hurt me this way… he wouldn’t…

“Niall , I am sorry!” are the words that come out from my mouth once Niall pulls me inside of his room, closes the door and wraps his arms around me. My face is buried on the curve of his neck to his shoulder and I just cry while he pets my hair

“It’s fine babe, I gotta ya. Cry everything, I’m here now”

Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again. 

I remember to read this quote and fuck it describes this moment so well. Because I start to put two and two together and everything makes sense. I was just stupidly in love to stop this, I was so addictive to him that I couldn’t stop… but today I put a full stop in this, for my own sake. I was hurt too many times by the same person and today was the limit.

The bad thing here is that I gave up, yes but I wished that giving up would be the same as stop loving. 


	33. Louis' letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist
> 
> The Mess I Made - Parachute 

I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened. But it was the little few ones that happened that made me who I am today. I don’t see myself as a cruel person but I wished I could see myself as a nice and caring one. Because I know, yeah I know that I could be better, I could treat others nicer and think about them more often. Sometimes I wish I could make people smile without even saying a word, the only reason for them to do it would be just myself. The fact that I’m there next to them would be enough.

Fuck. I had that. Two week ago I fucking had that person. But I chose to left him because I’m selfish and an asshole. Slowly, I was pushing myself away. Slowly, I was hurting him. Slowly, I was making the biggest mistake I could ever thought about doing.

“I want my Louis back.”

It was my choice not giving him back. I was his and I didn’t even realise it because I kept telling myself that I didn’t belong to anyone, especially to him. I don’t know what was wrong with me. Maybe I was too attached to my past, to my old life and to my thoughts that I forgot that it was all right. All of that was all right, accepting his love and giving mine was all right. And it was simple, why don’t I keep with the simple things? I could be happy right now, I could be making him happy right now, but instead I’m laid down on a bed depressing.

That’s selfish. That’s selfish because, once again, it was my choice, I deserve it. Why am I even feeling this way then? Fuck, yeah I have the answer for that. This time I have it and I won’t deny it. Not anymore. But it’s too late.

I love you is such a nice word, especially when the feeling is real, deep and directed to someone that you want to keep forever. But not your friend nor a member of your family, it’s someone that you chose, the person who, in that moment, is the one you want to be with, you want to take care of, you want him to feel the same towards you and maybe, if everything goes all right then is the one you later on want to spend the rest of your life. It’s amazing how our heart… no, ourselves, our head, how our body reacts that way to a person between billions and makes that click and chooses to treat him differently, because he’s special. I’d like to know how the human being can do it, build this feeling so well known as love.

Maybe is why I was so confused. I just can’t understand that. I already liked so many people, I had boyfriends, I already exposed myself to a couple of people to… basically I already fucked but yeah that was all, I didn’t make love. I never loved someone, I just liked. There is a different, isn’t it? I feel like there is. I feel it now. So why? Why did I have to do that to him? It was so nice to hear him saying that he loved me. The second times was as good as the first one.

I hate myself, I’m struggling with my head, with all of me because what I did… damn what I did was so wrong… and I’m so deeply regretted. I wanted to have a firm explanation for that but I don’t. I don’t think that fear and confusion is what I can say to explain it. The fact that he is who he is, that he feels that way towards me is so… so enormous that I don’t know how to handle and act with that knowledge. It’s such a massive responsibility that I didn’t see myself taking it.

“Say something or I’m giving up on you!”

I feel so empty. Those words hit me as if I was being hit by a car. I thought he wasn’t going to give up. Everything, everyone pointed that out. He pointed that out. It hurt me, hurt me at the point I just wanted to die because the pain was so big… but I wasn’t feeling anything. I wasn’t myself. I hope he didn’t feel anything either because I have this impression that if he felt something then, fuck, it was probably terrible.

Why do I hurt people this way? Am I this heartless?

The words “Everything we spent was all a lie for you? You were just playing around with me?” were heard on my mind for the fourth time today and yeah… he was feeling everything. He was being himself, his eyes showed pain. He was hurt, he was so fucking hurt.

I hate this. It makes me laugh but, it’s a dry laugh, it’s a laugh to mock myself and remember how pathetic I am. It’s Thursday, 3am and I am awake. It’s been this constant. Thinking about all these things, the good and the bad ones. The goods make me feel better for seconds but the bad ones seem to be wining. I’m starting to get used to it but I am tired. In all ways really. I need to sleep but I’m not comfortable enough to bee sleepy, I don’t feel secure to close my eyes, I’m cold… I need those arms and kisses and touches… I need to feel home in this stupid, empty and lonely dorm that I’m starting to hate more and more. But hey, the bed – and even the room – seems bigger now that he is not here. I can’t even say, think, his name now.

When he left the room, without letting me finish what I was saying – and to be honest he did it well… for his sake, he didn’t deserve to hear that – I was… I was relief. Because he was gone, he didn’t need to care about me anymore, he didn’t have to suffer, I didn’t have to think how I didn’t deserve him and worried about how was I going to show my feelings toward him, how was I going to accept his. He seemed to finally see how things are and always were.

But only on the next day it hit me. I woke up. I grabbed the necklace he had thrown at the floor – it was still there, I didn’t dare to even look at it - and… I cried. I cried for him. Not for me. I didn’t care about me, I cared about him. I cried so hard. My eyes hurt, they truly ached from the tears and they were so red… it gave me a day to realise it. I even skipped classes. I mean… this two weeks I only went to four classes… am I overreacting yet? I always overreact, this wasn’t going to be an exception.

I was hoping that he was coming back. But he didn’t. I started to believe it because he didn’t come back to the dorm. He still doesn’t come back. I didn’t see him anymore. I’m starting to forget about the colour of his eyes and soon he is going to forget about mines too.

I hope he is okay. I know he isn’t. But I still hope he is.

I’m only saying this to make myself feel better, so I’m being selfish again. I should do something, I should move my ass and go solve things between us. But I just didn’t do it yet because I’m trying not to be selfish. I don’t know if he wants to see me. Maybe he should have hit me as he hit Bryan. I think the look on his eyes, the dark and soulless that they showed, would hurt me more than his punches. But I don’t think he would be capable to hurt me like that. He sure didn’t look himself. I ask myself if his hand was okay after that because I saw blood streaming down his knuckles.

I’m not going to see Bryan again. I didn’t even speak with him anymore – I haven’t speak with anyone really, Liam and Zayn are worried but I don’t answer their calls nor open the door when they knock out and I ignored them the few times I got out from the dorm – I shouldn’t have spoken with him in the first place anyway. He was right, Bryan doesn’t change. I heard him talking shit with some blokes, about how a bad Har-he is and likes to show that is a good person but in fact he is not. After all he hit him, Bryan had the proofs in his face. What Bryan did to him should have been enough for me to stay away from him. But even that I had to break our promise. I feel really stupid.

But if that episode didn’t happen because of Bryan, I’d find a way to say the same hurtful things to him anyway. Because yeah, maybe I am heartless.

But then, if I am heartless how do I feel this way? Because I miss him. I miss everything on him and everything we did. I miss being that close to him and feeling protected and loved… I just miss feeling something like that. 

It’s now half past three and I feel tears on my eyes.

I should keep doing theatre because I sure know how to be dramatic. But I feel sad so I can’t just stop this tears.

I should finish this now because I’m getting out of words to express how I feel. I just started writing this crap of paper because, even being feeling empty, I had my head full of thoughts and they were already eroding me on the inside. I needed to let them out. Half of them left me already but the other half are still here, ready to torture me tomorrow night at 3am again.

The night I slept better was the one I slept in his bed, dressed with one of his big sweaters. However, I had worn it already, so it smelled like me and his pillow… his pillow, by this time, doesn’t smell like him. But I’m starting to forget how he smells too so I think I can’t do anything else.

I can’t do anything… I can’t. I’m sorry Harry, I am really sorry… but I loved you and I think I will never stop loving you. I just hope you are okay. I am not, but I hope you are because I care so much, but so fucking much about you. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is so weird but I remember that I was bored and started writing this and I wasn't even supposed to post it but ended up to.. Oh well


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist
> 
> Come Home - One Republic 
> 
> No Angel - Birdy

Maybe I should go to classes today, it’s Friday so I only have two. If I get up from bed now I still get on time. I can’t be fucking this up too, I came here to finish college and not to skip classes. I was always so careful and now I can’t even recognise myself. I tried to study the material that I didn’t get the chance to learn but I couldn’t think and memorise it. I also have practise but I can skip again. Fuck, I’ll probably be knocked out the team because I don’t show up there in two weeks.

I’m so fucked up. Well at least I still have strength – it’s not even strength anymore, is getting ride off the laziness – to stand up from bed. I’m so slow to take off my pyjama to dress the other clothes that I’m amazed that I can reach classes on time. Somehow I ended up with one of his shirts and I think it’s already the habit.

The professor didn’t even notice my presence in the class, I think he didn’t even realise that I’ve been skipping them… I don’t even think he has the knowledge of my existence, the class is so big and most of the students don’t even talk with the teachers in the whole year. Anyway.

It was all useless. I can’t concentrate enough in the classes, sure it was better coming here than staying the whole day in that dorm but I’m tired, there is too much people here and too much light.

I decide to have a late lunch on the canteen. The food today tastes particularly awful, but I haven’t been eating much, due the work I’d have to walk from bed to here, so is better than nothing.

When I raise my head I face two familiar faces. Fuck. “Louis?” Liam seems shocked, probably for seeing me, probably for my appearance which is most likely to be horrible or probably for seeing me eating. He takes the seat by my side and Zayn the one in front of me so I try to avoid looking directly at him. “Jesus Louis, what’s up with you?” his voice sounds worried, the same from three days ago when he knocked at my door but I didn’t answer

“You look awful!” This time I hear Zayn, he doesn’t look as concerned as Liam, or is it just me who thinks that

“Oh, thanks mate!” I speak and god even my voice sounds terrible. This must be too much but the truth is I don’t speak for two days, I only hear how my voice sounds in my head.

“Lou, you’ve to talk to us. What happened?” Liam rests his hand on my shoulder and I finally look at him

“I don’t want to.” I simply answer

“Fuck no way, we finally got the opportunity to see and talk to you so you’re going to speak now.” His tone is louder and I frown pulling away his touch

“No Liam.” talking seems to take from myself so much effort.

“Have you been eating? Lou you look pale, I’m worried. We’re worried so talk to us. You can’t keep shutting yourself in that room.” I notice that he’s choosing really carefully the words he should say and also that he wants to say something else but can’t. “Louis!” He says when I keep in silence

“Please don’t make me.” I whisper and look away from him. Zayn keeps shut. In this situation Zayn is weird, we never know if he’s really worried with someone, what he’s thinking, anything

“It’s been two weeks Louis!”

“Fuck, shut up Liam! I don’t want to talk, don’t-“

“No you shut up Louis!” Zayn interrupts me and I look quickly at him. He looks angry, like really angry. His jaw is clenched and his expression makes me shiver. “We’ve been worried and you don’t even give a shit and now you dare to speak with Liam like that? You know why you’re feeling this way? Because you were always fucking blind and an asshole with Harry, that’s why! Make something and stop acting like a dickhead and pity yourself!” I look widely at him and I even feel like Liam looks the same way at him.

I put my both hands on the table and stand up. I don’t need to stay here and hear this from him so I grab my bag and quickly walk away from there. I hear Liam calling from me and I think he even tries to follow me but Zayn stops him.

Zayn just made me feel worst. He doesn’t need to remind me that this is all my fault, I’ve been fighting with that fact this past weeks, why reminding me? I know I’m stupid and, fuck, I feel like punching a wall right now. I’m so angry, sad and mad that I don’t even know how to handle this, how to keep supporting this. I just want this to end because is starting to make me sick. It’s too much really.

So this time I reach the dorm and the anger and tiredness take care over me, helping me to actually fall asleep just to wake up at 5am. I think I might have dreamt about something good, but I can’t remember the dream.

~*~

The good of these two weeks was that they passed quickly and I don’t even know how since I spent more than half of the time in the dorm doing nothing. It’s Monday now and I’m laid down on his bed – of fucking course – playing with the necklace I gave him. But I’m actually smiling, moving it on top of my face and looking carefully at the airplane.

-

“It’s like my tattoo, you see?” I roll up the sleeves and point at it so he takes his eyes from the necklace and looks at my arm. “You don’t like it? It’s too cheesy isn’t it? I knew it!” I beginning to panic “But Gemma said you liked these kind of things and I also knew you had some necklaces so I had this idea, but if you don’t like-“

“Lou!” he might have shouted my name, but I think I’m talking too loud and quickly to pay attention to him so easily. “Lou, calm down,” he chuckles and I take a deep breath. “Jeez, I loved it!” he smiles and his voice sounds happy “I really loved it, I mean it makes me feel… special!” he slowly leans over to me but I notice he’s hesitating because he moves from my lips to my cheek and places there a soft kiss. “From now on,” he puts the necklace around his neck “I’ll always be using it.” He grins. “Thank you so much!"

-

That’s why I am smiling. That night was so special for me, not because it was Christmas, nor my birthday but because I spent it with him and it was the best gift he could have given to me. We also kissed and it was so soft and passionate.

But then my smile drops. He said he would never take the necklace so why do I have it here in my hands? Right. It’s his way to say that he really gave up, his way to make me believe it. A part of me really wants him to forget about me, no better, that he have already forgot about me so he can be all right… but of course the other part wants him to keep fighting, wants him to knock at the door to solve things. He always tries to solve things why this time is being different? Why doesn’t he simply come here to talk, I’d listen to him and I’d want him back. I want him back.

My thoughts are interrupted by a strong knock at the door. I quickly stand up from the bed. I know it’s him, it only can be him… please “Louis open the god damn door!” It’s not him. It’s... Niall?

I frown “Niall?” I don’t think he hears me, I’m almost whispering. I also don’t want to open the door. He seems mad and I know he comes here to talk and that’s the last thing I want to. I don’t want to talk with anybody unless with him.

“I know you’re there, open it!” I never heard Niall talking like that, it’s not loud it’s just harsh. Harsher than the time we fought on the Halloween party. “We need to talk”

“No we don’t. Go away!” he even made me stand up from bed

“I’m not going away until you open this door. Enough Louis.” Enough, yeah it’s enough really but I just don’t know how to stop this. I know Niall made up with him. And I’m glad because I know Niall is there for him, he is probably staying at his dorm so the most probable is Niall coming here to shout at me and telling me things like Zayn. Or worst because Niall and I can be really good friends – or were I don’t know – but he when it touches this subject I think he might hates me. “Louis!” he knocks strongly at the door. Niall can be stubborn and I have this slightly idea that he’s really not going away until we talk. And the noise is really annoying me.

I walk there, still hesitantly, and open the door for him to face. Niall’s eyes are red and puffy, maybe he is tired too. No, he looks like he has been crying. What the hell? Although his expression towards me doesn’t show sadness. He’s furious and the look he gives me is as strong as Zayn gave me on Friday. He walks in, in a large step and I close the door “What do you-“ I start but I’m forced to shut up when Niall’s fist meets my face, hitting me hard.

I give a step back, hitting my back on the door and instantly take my hand to my cheek. The taste of blood fills my mouth and the pain brings shivers to my spine. I don’t even have time to protest – and of course I’m not going to hit him back – when I look at Niall. His expression is not angry anymore and when he starts speaking, he doesn’t shout nor sound harsh “Harry never did it then I did it for him.” Though his choice of words aren’t the friendliest I sure deserved this, I was asking for it, literally but wasn’t expecting Niall coming here and doing that now. “Now you’re gonna listen to me,”

“I don’t want to.” I say against my will and slide down the door to sit on the floor, putting my arms around my legs and burring my face on my knees. A flashback comes in my mind, because he was in this same position when

-

“Why? Why do you do this, fuck Harry ans-“

“Because I love you, Lou. I love you. I’ve loved you since the first moment I saw you. I guess maybe I’ve even loved you before I saw you.” 

-

I’d give everything to hear that again. Maybe to go back in time and do everything differently.

“Look at me Louis” I hear Niall, right, I didn’t listen to what he said. I raise my head to look at him and clean the blood from my lips with the back of my hand “You’re going to take your ass off from the floor and you’re going to talk with Harry.” Hearing his name out this loud makes me feel weird “I don’t even care about your feelings towards him anymore but he deserves to hear an apology and something to make him feel better.” For my surprise he doesn’t shout

Ignoring his words I say “Yo-You solved your things with him?” I didn’t even got to know what happened between them and suddenly I find curiosity to find out

“Yes and you know the reason why we fought?” I shake my head still not daring to look at him “It was because of you,” what? “I knew this was going to happen and I warned him. He didn’t hear me Louis. He didn’t believe in anything I said and got mad because he trusted you. He trusted you not to hurt him.” Stop “He loved you so much. Fuck, he loves you so much that he can’t believe this. You fucking twat, he trusted you-“

“Stop!”

“and you broke that trust.” He ignores me “You always treated him so badly but he kept fighting, he never gave up and you do what you did?! Louis, do you understand what you did?” Yes, I hurt him. But I don’t answer “Right, save your voice to go talk to him. And I rather prefer you to go now”

“He has classes now.” I’m really trying to talk the less I can. I knew Niall would come here to remind me what I did

“What classes?” he laughs dryly “He doesn’t come out from my dorm. He reached his limit today Louis and I can’t stand seeing him like that.” He shakes his head and then offers me his hand to help me to stand up, I take some seconds to grab it and he stands me up so I can finally look at him properly “Christ Louis.” his expression and voice softens and his eyes study my face “You look as bad as him. What did you do to yourself?” he shakes his head and I understand his words. He understands “Please Louis go talk to him.” He pulls away and walks from the door without another gaze, I’m alone again.

I take my hands to my face, forgetting about Niall’s punch and not caring about the pain. What should I do? The words I told myself hoping that he’s okay were just lies to make me feel better. I thought if I didn’t go talk to him I wasn’t thinking about myself, because I want to do it. Doing it would be my way to feel better because I need to see him, I need to hear his voice and I want things to get back to normal.

Things won’t go back to normal. For much effort I put on it – that till now was none – things won’t be the same. That was one of my fears. But I made this, if it was him doing this shit we’d be all right by now, because he always tried, he always gave the first step and always put on the side my mistakes because his feelings made him blind. Well he wouldn’t do this on the first place so…

I’m not strong enough to be like him, but at least I can try for a moment. I can try to do what he’d do in this situation, giving the first step. So I give with myself walking through the hall from the dorms. Niall’s room is not that far from ours – it’s still ours even if I feel like is empty now – and I’m in front of the door more quickly than I imagined. The way didn’t even give me time to think of what I should say.

Fuck, I’m here. Now what? Right, now I need to knock. And when he opens the door what do I do? How is he going to react when he sees me? How am I going to react?

I find the courage, with my heart beating fast, to raise my hand to knock at the door when it’s open. The figure that stands in front of me is unfamiliar. The guy is tall, skinny but has a stiff expression. He frowns looking down at me and tilts his head “Yes?” his voice is coarse

“I-I wanna talk to, erm-“

“Oh,” he looks at me carefully and his look frightens me “you must be Louis.” please don’t hit me. “Okay.” He opens further the door and walks outside allowing me to walk in, but I wait. His look before going away is enough for me to get that as a warn.

I give with myself shaking when I walk in. I close the door and when look away from the floor I see someone sat on a bed, facing me his back. It’s him.

“H-Harry…” saying his name costs even more than hearing from someone else, than thinking about it. I’ve been avoiding it but that’s running away, that’s not trying. Although my effort was in vain because he doesn’t react to my voice, he doesn’t turn around, he doesn’t move, he doesn’t even flinch. I take a deep breath and take another step “Harry, can we talk?” I’m surprised with myself by how secure my voice sounds.

“No.” Shit. His voice sounds dead but hoarser than ever

What would he usually do when I answered him this after this question? Right, he insists “Well, I will talk.” But to be honest I don’t know what to say. He doesn’t answer anyway and keeps in the same position. I want to see his face. “Look at me Harry.” I’m calmer than I thought I’d be. I just need to say what comes in my mind first, I can’t think too much or I’ll show how fragile I am and I also need to apologise even if it doesn’t solve anything, he deserves it. “Please, look at me.” It just takes seconds for him to do what I ask for. I don’t wait much longer to look carefully at him. His beautiful face… I missed it, I think my lips make a small curve, a half smile for finally seeing him. But then, then his eyes look like Niall’s… he had been crying   
“He reached his limit today Louis and I can’t stand seeing him like that” 

The first thing that crosses my mind is walking towards him and wrap my arms around him, comfort him and saying that everything will be okay now. But I’m the reason for him to cry and I simply can’t stand this. But his expression comes from blank to shocked and his eyes look at me widely “What happened to you?” maybe is his instinct and otherwise me he does what it comes to his mind. So he’s quick to stand up from the bed and walk towards me. He raises his hand while saying “Who did this to-“ but he stops. Maybe he realises what is happening. His hand doesn’t reach my face, his gaze drops not giving me time enough to remind me his eye’s colour and he gives a step back. He was so close. I was almost feeling him next to me but he’s still so far away.

I gulp “Harry…”

“Go away.” His voice sounds dead again, but I can see him biting his bottom lip and I know, fuck, I know he’s holding his tears. “Just go away, L-Louis.” I feel like he had been avoiding my name as well

“I’m not going away until I say what I came here to.” I speak firmly. I’m not going to give up, even if he doesn’t look back at me, if he keeps a large distance between us and if he doesn’t answer me. “Harry… I’m-I’m so sorry!”

“It hit you later than I expected.” Now he’s harsh and maybe wry.

“I’m sorry…” I look down. It’s the only thing that I manage to say

“Yeah, I heard it the first time.” He’s hiding his emotions by the way he’s talking, I can tell it

“I know, I… I know“ I sigh.

“Right, is that all you have to say?” stop talking that way with me and be yourself. I want to tell him but it wouldn’t be fair

“No…” I’ve got a lot to say but I think I won’t be capable to do it. I won’t have the courage to, I will forget, I’ll stammer… yeah I know that “You deserve an explanation…”

“Oh! Yeah I deserve. But I know it.”

“You do?” I bow my brow

“Yes, you’re an asshole and that’s the only possible explanation.”

I froze. I know I am, everyone has been reminding me that but Harry… Harry might tell me I am an idiot but he never tells me that in a way to hurt me. This time he said it severely, it was Harry reminding me how a big asshole I am. I try to hide my surprise and hurt by saying “Fair enough.” But I keep my voice low, calm and somehow soft, afraid of what it can come from him

“I am an asshole too,” He laughs. Oh that laugh, is the same dry one I did to mock myself and remind me how pathetic I am. “I allowed you to hurt me so it’s my fault.”

“No! No it’s not your fault Harry.” It’s only mine

He smirks but it’s not his usual smirk “Yeah… it’s not” he sighs now “You’re the only asshole. I was just fool to trust you and to carry myself in this fucking lie”

“Harry…” my eyes are burning, I feel like crying. Now I see how he feels

“Yeah… Look, go away” and he’s about to cry too, he just doesn’t want me to see. I think this time would be the first time for him to wish for me to cry in front of him so he’d know I am sad too.

“No Harry I-“

“Go Louis, I don’t want to hear anything else from you. I’m tired.”

“But you need to know that-“

“I don’t want to.” He turns around “Clo-Close the door after you leave, please.” He sobs.

Fuck I can’t do this. He’s crying and it’s all my fault. He hardly ever cries, at least in front of me. I can’t speak, I’m a loser, a cower, I can’t give this step. I’m walking away, I’m giving up because I simply can’t do this to myself. And even to him. The way he looked at me… he didn’t want me here. He want me far from him. But I... I… “I left you so I couldn’t hurt you, but I ended up hurting you even more… and hurting myself too.” I stop and turn around to him again. I don’t know how I found the courage to speak but now I just need to go with the flow. He doesn’t look back at me but I don’t care

“And you know how? At night… I’ve always thought about you, so much… so much that I-I couldn’t sleep at all these days. Every second that I was away from you it got harder and harder to breathe. I felt–I feel half empty like a part of me is missing.” He still doesn’t say anything, he still keeps in the same position. It’s like I’m not here. But I take a deep breath and continue, still impressed with myself “Harry, I’m not whole without you, the sun doesn’t shine and the nights are long and cold. There’s a fire in your eyes that only burns for me, and without it I’d be lost in the dark. I need to see your beautiful smile, hear your voice, feel your skin against mine to become whole again because just like that all of the darkness will leave and I’ll feel myself never wanting to let you go. I feared all of that, that’s why I did what I did. But I just found myself wanting you to forgive me so I could be held gentle once more by you.” He gives me the silence as an answer that he gives me kills me. I can’t even believe how I managed to say all of this. I usually don’t show what I feel, I deserved an award for this. But it still misses something “Harry… Harry I fell in love with you.” I can’t deny this to myself and to him anymore. I love him. I just don’t know what to do.

With these words he finally turns around. Hope fills my chest when his surprised but still soft expression is showing. His eyes meet mines and with all of this I lost my strength to walk towards him. But then… then the small hope I had fades away when his, somehow, happy face drops. It turns out to be stiff and firm and the tears that fills his eyes are forgotten when he speaks coldly “Okay. If that’s all you have to say then go now.”

My heart drops, now I know a small piece of how he felt when it was me talking to him this way, rejecting him all the time, hurting him. I deserve this, however I am not as strong as he is, I can’t just forget this and act like nothing had happened like he did the past months. So I nod and leave, closing the door behind me, I can’t do anything else. I allow myself to cry when my back hits the door and I take my hands, hiding my face.

He really gave up on me. 


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> playlist:
> 
> Lightweight by Demi Lovato
> 
> Kiss Me by The Fray
> 
> Flightless Bird American Mouth by Iron and Wine
> 
> Explosions by Ellie Gouldin

I tried my best to spend the day normally. It was fucking hard let me tell in the first place. Harry’s words and look were playing on my mind all day. After my confession, which took me a lot of effort and courage to, he just rejected me. Worst he hurt me in all ways possible, in ways I thought Harry would never reach, just by the way he looked at me and his choice of words. I know I deserved it but it doesn’t stop hurting though.

And a normal day would be spent with Harry in the dorm, eating lunch with my two best mates, listening to Niall’s loud laughs, with me actually paying attention to classes, with my way to the library with Harry to read, my long talks with Harry at the end of the day, cuddling with him… I didn’t have anything of that today and it didn’t make me feel any better, even with my own willingness to get better.

I don’t know if I feel worst now or before my talk with Harry. Both were awfully indescribable but this time I feel emptier as if I knew something that I had lost was impossible to recover. It really sucks to know that someone who always took care of you, someone who loved you, who you knew that were there for you, leaves and will never come back. You are always rewinding those good times you had with that person, your memories start to absorb you and you’re stuck living them instead of the present. By living I say depressing because I’m not alive and I know I’m a drama queen who always overreacts but when it touches this kind of subjects – involving people – I am very honest with my own feelings and always try not to make things worse because I know it’d be worst for me. So the fact that I am this upset with this Harry’s situation just proves that I love that guy more than I imagined.

It was your fault Louis live with it now! My subcontinent reminds me. He’s not my friend, not because he tells me these kind of things, things that I know myself and that even my own friends tell me. He’s not my friend because he literally tortures me and makes little problems into big ones, tells me how a piece of shit I am.

I am alone now. I don’t know for how long I will be, I know things will get better, even if it’s not the better I want, but I just don’t like the way I am feeling now, it’s not right, it kills me. I think I had my moments of happiness and now I have to feel this way because it was too much.

See this is my problem; I just spent fifteen minutes looking at this fucking tedious blank wall from this fucking quiet dorm instead of reading my book. However I’ve been in this page for half an hour so it doesn’t make any difference. Well it’s better like this; I don’t know why I am reading for the second time the fault in our stars. Maybe I want to slip some different tears, from a different reason or maybe it’s because it was Harry’s gift… I don’t know which one is more pathetic.

Maybe I should go to sleep. It’s only 8pm but my sleep is all switched so maybe I manage to close my eyes and actually feel comfortable if I wrap myself in some blankets. I’d probably die by how hot I’d feel so maybe I’m really going to do that. Jesus Louis!

Maybe I should go eat something instead since I’m a bit hungry. But that means I’ll have to leave the dorm and go alone to a restaurant. Or maybe I could go to the canteen… the food sucks but at least I’d eat something.

If Harry was here he wouldn’t allow me to do this, not eating and resting well. I miss the times when he’d go at the end of the street only to buy me McDonald’s because he knew I couldn’t manage to eat anything at lunch or even snack because I stayed studying. He was so kind and caring.

I miss him so much. I miss the way his lips touched on mines, I miss his gentle but unnecessary touches, I miss the way he looked at me while talked, a small dimple would appear and his green eyes would always shine. I miss those looks yeah. The ones – that even if I’d tell him I found it creepy I’d find them cute – when he’d just stop looking at me when I looked back at him so he could say hi to me, I even miss the ones I never had the opportunity to realise he was looking at me. I miss the way he traced the lines from my hands just to feel close to me, the way he always pulled me to the other side of the sidewalk, far from the street; I’d feel like a child but I knew, just by this simple and stupid gesture, that he’d be always there to protect me. I miss the time when he’d try his best to get my attention, throwing me a pillow, sending me a message, even screaming. I miss the way he’d make me shiver giving me kisses on my neck, the way he moaned my name, how he sounded when he was close. I miss the times I’d fall asleep with his presence, hearing his breathe and feeling the warmth of his body and the gentles touches on my bare skin. I miss the stupidest and most important things in our relationship and I wished I wouldn’t.

I’m forced to stand up from bed when I hear a knock at the door. Well I’m not forced, I would rather prefer not going to open it since the last time I did it I was punched in the face but at least I can stretch myself.

The person behind the door, even with me being slowly, doesn’t insists on knocking one more time, staying with the quite calm first knock. I open the door and open my eyes widely, feeling my heart aching, jumping and beating fast on my chest.

“I bought McDonald's!” Harry says raising the big paper bag he has in hands. How ironic?

He doesn’t smile and I can see that he’s unsure of his words and even with his appearance yet I open the door further to let him in, not saying a word, scared that if I do it I’ll wake myself up with my own voice because this seems to be a dream. He walks in and I shut the door behind us. He takes his seat at the chair in front of the desk while I bring the one next to my bed, next to him.

For the first time since these past weeks, I don’t feel the urge to think. My head is not torturing me, I’m not having unnecessary thoughts, I literally don’t think about anything. Harry is here. I don’t know what does this mean, but he’s here. To be honest, after what happened yesterday I wasn’t expecting anything. I was trying to to make myself believe that this was over and I needed to give up as well. I probably didn’t show much but since this thing between Harry and I started, I was doing my best to last, last more than it lasted. I was doing my best to keep this, to be with him, not to fight and not to let him go away. I was just afraid of a label maybe, but I wasn’t afraid of having him with me and it’s sad that it needed to happen a shit like this for me to realise that I want him this way with me whatever it costs, no matter what my fears are.

He hands me my hamburger and drink and we start eating in silence. It’s probably the first time I feel like our silence is awkward and uncomfortable. I wanted to listen to his soft, tender and kind voice, I wanted to hear his laugh and see his dimples, I wanted him to be able to look at me, instead he’s just focused in his food. Unlike me, I find hard taking my eyes off of him. I missed admiring his lashes touching his cheekbones while blinking, being this close to be possible to smell his perfume and counting his few curls.

He’s probably deep in his thoughts so I feel; that till last month I haven’t felt; the necessary to know what’s been on his mind. Since we got that close he always shared it, I always found easy to know what he was thinking and now I have no idea, it’s like he rebuilt the big wall that doesn’t allow me to do it. However he’d only know what was in my mind if he asked me, so it was normal to hear from him how are you? and how was your day? and even what are you thinking about? I normally would find it annoyed but now I see how good it made me feel and how much I need it. 

This entire situation is bizarre and I don’t understand what we are doing. He came here after what happened, we don’t say a word to each other and we’re having dinner together. At least he could say something before walking in, he’s not explaining this and I don’t know what to say or do.

When I'm finished eating half of my burger I put it on the box above the desk and clean myself with a napkin. Harry, finally looks up at me and then at it at time. “Not hungry.” I answer his possible thought and realise that is the first time I am talking since he stepped in to the door. I was hungry but all of this made me lose my appetite

“Yes you are, eat it.” I wished for that, I had it. I finally hear his normal voice, his concerned tone. He almost sounds like a father talking to his kid and I hated when he’d do it but now is welcome. “I know you haven’t been eating well.” He says giving a big bite on his burger

“Oh.” Is the only thing I manage to say. Like always, I don’t think about doing what he tries me to do, but after the warning look he gives me I’m forced to make what he said so, still in silence

Eventually, I finish my meal after Harry since he eats too fast and me too slowly. He cleans what is possible to and puts the bag, with the trash inside, on our paper basket. When he sits in his bed I keep myself leaned against the wall in front of the bed. Even being three steps away from him I feel much far away. I don’t know what to do now nor what to say because this is becoming even more awkward. He’s supporting and hiding his face on his hand to his head.

“C’mon say it! Say what’s bothering you, what’s on your mind.” I hear my own voice “yell at me all the shit you want to, I always found easy to do it with you, why are you struggling to do it with me?” I say severely, but my tone is not directed to Harry, is to me as if I am fighting with myself. Everyone seems to do it lately with me as if they’ve the right to so why not making it to myself then?

He raises his head and the look he gives me, makes me relax my shoulders and softens my expression “Because that’s not me, and that’s not why I came here for.” He admits. “I just feel so…” he sighs and sinks his fingers on his hair “I’m sorry Louis…” is he apologising? No, he can’t

“Don’t Harry, shit you don’t have to do that, it’s me who-“

“Shut up,” he says somehow amused “If I want to apologise, I will. I will because the way I told you to go away after what you… what you said, wasn’t right.”

“I deserved it, you were right, I’m the asshole here” I rest my hands on the wall behind my back. Okay we’re talking…

“Louis, it’s not that…” he looks at me as if he is trying to make me understand what he’s trying to say but I don’t know how this will end “Forget everything I told you yesterday please.” This time is my turn to look at the side. I’m trying to do that since the first words came out from his mouth. “Fuck this is so hard you know?” yeah I know “I was so… so shocked and still mad and sad. That wasn’t me, you know I’d never treat you that way…”

“I know, but I deserved and-“

“Fuck no Louis. You don’t, even after you did okay?” it’s weird to hear this from him, it’s hard to understand. “What you told me… I understood… I-I felt– “ he groans in frustration and I know if he wasn’t sat on the bed he’d be walking in circles around the room “I don’t even know what to say,” he laughs a little and I give with myself smiling due it “I didn’t come here for this…”

“So why did you come here, then?” I ask the question I am making myself since I saw him.

I notice that he hasn’t been looking directed at me, but yes at the wall behind my shoulders and now he looks at the side, so I can’t see his face expression anymore “I suppose I was just worried… and wanted to see if you were okay.” He confesses and I feel my heart pouting on my chest by how these words make me feel. “So…” he looks again at me and concern is written upon his eyes “Are you okay?” his tone is kind of amused despite of him being serious

“No.” I tell the truth because lying about this at Harry is useless at the moment. “Are you?”

“Not really.” The Harry in front of me is not the one from yesterday and I find myself feeling better about it “But… I want to be and I want you to be as well” this makes me melt. The way he looks at me, the way he says it sweetly, kindly and still hoarsely.

“How do you” I start while he stands up from the bed “expect to…” I continue but am forced to stop when he keeps coming closer and then grabs my face in his both hands. He leans over and kisses me; it’s slow, passionate but quick.

He pulls away with a smile, rests his forehead on mine and caresses my cheekbone with his thumb “I couldn’t give up… I really do want you after all” I feel my heart beating fast because that was all I wanted to hear even if I didn’t think about it. “I was so scared to lose you…”

“Oh babe, I’m here now!” When he slides his hand down, to rest on my shoulder, is my turn to caress his hair with a warm smile

“Oh Louis…” his voice cracks and I feel his arms wrapping around my torso, pushing me against his chest while sinks his head on the curve of my neck. I instantly hug him back finally having him close to me like I wanted. The hug is longer than the kiss but I don’t mind. I feel like crying but this time, the tears would be from pure joy and happiness. Are things really getting better after all? “I missed you…” he whispers and it makes me hugging him tighter

“I missed you too, Harry!” I say obviously meaning it. He pulls back with his beautiful grin which always makes me happy to answer the same way.

“Just don’t… don’t hurt me again” his tone even being tender, is a bit sad and serious, making my heart aching

“I won’t,” I put my hand on the back of his neck to put our faces closer again “I won’t, promise.” I remind myself about the broken promise I made with him about Bryan. Fuck, just knowing that it was because of that, that our discussion started makes me sick. But I don’t really want to break this promise, I didn’t even want to break the other and I regret deeply. “I promise I won’t.” I find the necessity to repeat.

I want him to fill this emptiness I am feeling, I want to make this lack disappear. I need him, I always had him by my side so I never had the opportunity to feel how I truly feel about him and now I see how hard it is to be apart from him. He’s just everything I need and want and I can’t believe Harry is the one I was looking for, without even looking for. Because he’s completely the opposite from the person I imagined myself with, he’s a surprise.

“Stay with me.” He says then and I need to pull back to look carefully at him, not sure about what he means from those words “I need you, I want you.” his words always make me feel special, weird; but in a good way; needed and it’s wonderful.

I look at him with a dorky smile in my face, tracing the lines from his features, pulling away a lock of hair in front of his forehead, passing my thumb across his lips just to lean over and kiss his lips, making him pressing me harder against the wall and placing his right leg between mines. I want to remember his taste again, I want to keep him for me and I want to share everything with him. I want this as much as he wants and it’s just great.

This kiss is longer but still slowly and I just really need to feel his soft and plump lips on mines. I pull his bottom lip between my teeth and when I go to kiss him again he opens his mouth, allowing our tongues to move together gently. I place soft kisses in his jaw and go down along his neck. I suck the skin from his sweet spot and he whimpers, making me kiss and then caress the red mark I made. It’s probably the first time I am being this dominant and him this submissive but I love it.

“Lou…” he gasps, grabbing a fist of the fabric from my shirt on my back, when I press my leg against his groin and I smirk with our lips brushed. I feel his hands going down and then he places them under my bum to lift me up. I instantly tangle my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. He walks backwards and we keep kissing each other and I like how slowly we are moving and how this is happening.

It only takes him three steps to feel the bed in his legs so he sits down and I’m sat on his lap, with my legs parted next to his thighs. Before joining our lips once more he takes off his shirt so I’m faced with his inked and tanned skin. My eyes don’t leave him so I need a moment to admire his body and see how beautiful this boy underneath me is.

I feel his fingers on my chin moments later and he makes me look at his smiley face. “I’m yours.” He says and holy shit, I don’t know if he feels the same towards me but this guy drives me crazy. He makes my whole body shiver, he makes my heart beating fast, he makes me butterflies, he makes me happy, makes me feel special, wanted and respected. He’s someone I want to keep and I have been just dumb for not realising it and keeping fighting in accepting this thought and feeling of mine.

I smile first at him before taking off my shirt as well, throwing it at the corner and put my arms around him to keep with the kiss. It doesn’t last much longer till he’s trying to unbutton my jeans and making his best to take them off while I do the same at him. Of course we do it giggling at each other by how clumsily we’re being but I think that is as important as kissing.

I keep on his lap, in the same position when we’re already naked. It seems awkward now that we just stopped to look at each other in the eyes but, in fact, is so sweet and makes me feel closer to him, because this isn’t just about sex, is MNM about love… making it and doing this makes me trust him and I know he feels the same.

I take my hands to his hair, caressing and feeling the softness of it on my fingers. Harry leans over now and places a kiss on my shoulder and another, and another and I’m just amazed by how well, careful and kind this boy is to me.

He brushes his nose on the start of the curve of my neck and I draw invisible circles on his back. “You’re so beautiful Harry” I say and I know he’s smiling right now

He shows me his face and I give him another smile, because I actually don’t get tired of it, and give him repeatedly kisses on his lips making him grinning. I want to make this right so I keep kissing him slowly and then I even move my hips slowly, making our boners brushing in each other. Harry lets small, quiet and beautiful moans leaving his lips.

I really need him, not only because I’m really hard but also because I want to be close to him, I want to feel him, I want to feel even more loved because Harry is so good in this and making love… shit making love is so good and we feel so alive. So I let my hand go down and grab his length with mine between our bellies, giving slowly and teasing strokes and watching Harry’s head going backwards from the pleasure.

I hold myself with my arm around his neck and my knees on the mattress to lift my waist, with my other hand I keep grabbing his member and place the head on my hole, letting out a groan from the touch. Harry places his both hands on my waist, stopping me to move down and I look at him weirdly “We need a condom and you’re going to hurt yourself this way”

“I want to feel you” I whisper in his ear “and it’s fine Harry…” I tell him. I know it’ll hurt a bit more, we didn’t even prepare and in this position he’s going much deeper but I don’t care. I’m so desperate for him that is worth it. 

“I don’t want to hurt you Lou”

“You won’t.” I give him a smile of assurance “Just please… I need you.”

“You’ll ride me?!”

“If that’s okay…” I kiss his earlobe and he moans a bit. I take the opportunity to move down on his lap, feeling his length filling me bit by bit and slowly. I whimper and even feel tears on my eyes from the pain, but it still is a tolerable pain and in a way, it feels good.

Harry puts his hand on my face and puts our heads closer “You okay?” I nod because now I couldn’t be feeling better “Go slowly, baby.” His tone is soft and he speaks slowly and lowly. I carefully move further down holding myself on his shoulders while he gives me soft kisses all over my face. “Lou…” he passes his thumb under my eyes cleaning the tears when I finally have his whole length inside me. I don’t move now and keep my arms around his neck adjusting myself at the feeling of him, with my legs parted next his thighs. Feeling him holding me and keeping myself warm with the touch of our naked bodies is just the best feeling in this whole world   
“Lou, I love you!” he whispers but it’s the enough to be heard in our little world that we usually build together “You love me too, right?” he asks, making me look at him, probably to see my reaction, my expression, to make me see that he’s being completely honest with his words and showing me his feelings.

I nod; damn I can’t love this guy more than I love now “I-I love you” I sob and he gives me a smile, kissing my forehead.

I make him look directly at me so I can join our lips, the ones I already missed the touch. He moves down to places kisses along my neck, licking, kissing, sucking the skin, because he knows how I love when he does it and how it turns me on.

I finally decide to make weight on his shoulders to move myself up and down and decide to make it slowly. Our first time was too rough, fast and wild and I need this time to be slow but at the point to enjoy it truly, to know each other bodies better and feel as close as possible. Harry lets out small gasps with his eyes closed when I move. I keep with my movements with the purpose to stop the pain. “Fuck baby, you feel so tight…” he moans and I like to know that I’m having this effect on him. “so fucking tight, so fucking good… keep going!” he presses his fingers on my waist, helping me to move. I lean over to place a kiss on his collarbone, then biting and sucking his skin.

He sounds beautiful and I really just want to make him feel good. While I move up and down, Harry takes my length in his hands, giving clumsily and slow strokes. Massaging the head and grabbing the length tightly “Harry... S-So good” I moan because I can’t even feel the pain I was feeling seconds ago, it starts to feel better and better each time I feel him in and out. My legs are shaking and if it wasn’t him helping me by my waist I wouldn’t have strength enough to hold myself.

I make him stop touching me and work with my hips. When go down, I push him deeply, till I can feel him touching my prostate. I move in circles and I see him biting his bottom lip from the pleasure and even to contain his moans, because he knows that everyone can hear us from the hallway outside. “Fuck, I love you so much L-Lou… keep going, f-faster” he breathes out letting his head go backwards. I moan with the vision and the whole pleasure that is filling my body.

I just go a bit faster, but it’s still slow so I can go really go deep down and fully out. “You feel so good…” I moan and I keep watching him biting down his own loud moans, pressing his fingers on my skin and kissing me hard. I smirk before my previous moves. I slide down my hand from his body and make my best to reach, from my back, taking advantages of his semi-parted legs, to put one finger inside of him. I move in and out and with the help of my palm I can also massage his balls “C’mon Harry…” I talk close to his ear “I wanna hear you… I wanna know how good you feel”

"Fucking hell Louis! " He moans my name and I smirk once again "This feels so good!" I hum in response and moan along him. I know he’s close and fuck, so do I. This feels so good, how close we are, how our bodies move and fit perfectly makes me crazy. It just feels right, everything feels right and I want this to last forever. “I-I’m close! L-Lou please...”

“Cum for me baby” I take my finger off of him and try to move a little faster this time, with my fingers pressed in his shoulders to release the my pressure. When he shuts his eyes tightly, his body shivers and his fingers sink deeper on my skin, he parts his lips, cuming inside of me, sighing my name.

“Oh god!” he breathes out and falls down with his back against the mattress so I’m almost forced to let my body fall down as well, being laid down on top of him.

The vision he gives me; his lips still parted, his curls in front of his forehead, his tanned sweaty body, his chest going up and down quickly, the touch of his hands along my body and the feeling of him cuming inside of me, makes me reach my limit, however when I’m about to finish myself, Harry notices it and stops me. In a blink of an eye, is my turn to be against the mattress. He parts my legs and puts himself between them “Try to remember the last time I was between your legs like this baby!” he says seductively and licks the head to tease me.

“Holy shit Harry.” I groan not only by his mouth but also with the memory. I was drunk but I remember when Harry was like this after the Halloween’s party. He puts my whole length in his mouth, licking, sucking and making movements up and down with his head, putting two fingers inside me. I grab a fist of his sweaty curls in my hand, pulling his hair out “Fuck, I won’t last H-Harry…” I say and he just speeds his movements.

I finally cum in his mouth moaning his name, my whole veins full with pleasure, shutting my eyes by how weak my body feels and breathing out heavily. Harry swallows and then I feel his body on top of mine and his hot breathe on my neck. He presses a soft kiss and hums snuggling on my body “This was incredible…” he whispers and I find strength to raise my arm, caressing his hair and he knows I’m agreeing with him. “I feel so good.”

“We’re stinky!” I laugh a little and my voice comes out rough

“Don’t expect me to get up to clean ourselves.” I groan in protest and he bites the bare skin from my shoulder.

We take some time to recover our normal breathing till “I love you, okay?” I give with myself smiling with the words coming out from my mouth. It doesn’t feel wrong at all

“Okay.” he agrees and looks at me with a grin “Because I love you too.” I smile back caressing his cheeks and he leans his head to my touch, closing his eyes.

“Good because you’re my boyfriend now.” He opens his eyes widely right away. I wished I had a camera to capture his face expression from pure happiness

“I am?” he smiles widely

“You are a jerk” I laugh by his reaction

“Finally!” he takes his hand up in the air triumphantly and I laugh due his figure “I’m glad I didn’t give up on you.” He lays his head on my chest and tangles our fingers together

“I’m glad you didn’t too” I whisper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh this is almost ending !!


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist
> 
> I Hate you don't leave me by Demi Lovato 
> 
> Somewhere Only We Know by Keane

“Louis?” I hear and look back at where the sweet voice is coming. I’m faced with Harry trying to sit up, with the sheet covering his lower part and his eyes still semi opened.

“Morning love!” I instantly give him a grin and walk from my nightstand to his bed.

“What time is it?” he asks, rubbing his eyes

“Early.” I lay back under the sheets, pressing my body against him and giving a kiss in his temple. He responds at my touch by squeezing my hand but when tries to tangle our fingers, stops

“What do you have here?” he asks and I raise my hand showing him the so well-known necklace.

“Your necklace.” I answer, giving emphasis in the word your. I hand him the collar and he looks at the object in awe “I don’t want you to take it anymore.” I look at him and our eyes meet. He takes some time looking back at me till he nods, making his messy hair going to the front of his forehead. By instinct I pull the small locks of hair away when he takes his necklace from my hand.

When he puts it around his neck I can’t stop but smile by thinking that things are slowly going back to normal. I can’t believe that yesterday around this time I was feeling like shit and right now I feel so alive with him next to me. I even slept better last night because I was feeling his arms around my body, I knew he was okay next to me and he was protecting me. I fell asleep listening to his sweet words and feeling the gentle kisses being pressed against my skin. I fell asleep warm, pleased and loved.

“I love you!” he says with the small object making small circles against his bare chest. The words he speaks make me wondering. Did I really find the love I was looking for? Did I finally learn what that is? The answer to those two questions is the same. No. I wasn’t looking for Harry, I wasn’t asking for so much. So he’s a surprise, a good one! And then, no one learn the meaning of love in a day, especially alone, so I expect Harry to help me with it while I help him as well. “Lou?” He makes me pay him attention. He looks carefully at me and somehow he’s smiling with his face closer from me now. “I won’t.” he says and I know he’s referring to the necklace. I know he won’t take it off anymore by now.

I smile back at him, resting my hand on the back of his neck “Good. Because I cried when you did.” I admit, looking away from him with the last words.

He chuckles and makes me look at him by my chin again “You’re a pussy!” he says and I play hurt

“Shut up Harry” I shout and when I try to slap him on his arm he takes my wrist in his hand and spins me on the bed, pressing me against the mattress with his naked body on top of mine and the little air plane moving above my lips.

“I’m sorry for that!” He caresses my cheek and I close my eyes, leaning my face at the touch. He leans over to give me a kiss on my nose “I cried a lot too you know?”

I groan in annoyance “Let’s stop apologising each other and talk about this.” I laugh a bit and he nods

“You’re right, boyfriend.” I laugh due his words and then he lets himself fall on top of me.

Our naked bodies pressed against each other make me moan due the touch and I feel him giggling “You’re fat, get off me!” I try my best to speak firmly

“Yeah right, remember the last time you said that?” he teases and I shut myself right away. “Thought so.” He smirks and I roll my eyes

“We have to go to classes today.” I say after some minutes just listening to each other’s breathing.

“I know” he speaks and wraps his arms around my torso “Can we make like the old times?”

“Of course.” That’s all I ever wanted

“And have lunch with the others? I miss Liam and Zayn.”

“Yeah… about that…” I start and move away, making him getting away from my body and sit at my side, looking at me oddly “Me and Zayn fought, I shouted at Liam and Niall punched me.” I say too quickly and he looks widely at me

“What?” I know he understood so I don’t think about repeating “So when you came talk to me… your cheek? Was that Niall?” he’s shocked

I nod carefully, unsure of what to say and fearing to get him in trouble with Niall. When I see his furious expression and ready to blow up since he tries to get up from the bed. I stop him by his arm “Harry, please… I deserved it.” I did deserve it. From Harry at least so since he wouldn’t so it I think Niall made it well

“You what? Louis for fuck sakes you-“

“Harry!” I raise my voice, making him to shut up “He was just trying to help.”

“By hitting you?” 

“By opening my eyes!” I say firmly “It worked,” I shrug laughing a little “Don’t get mad at him, don’t even mention it. It’s fine! I understood.”  He sighs with my words

“What about the others? How was that?”

“Don’t feel like talking about it.” It’s his time to roll his eyes. It’s weird because when it happened I wanted Harry here to talk about it. Well I wanted to talk about it with someone, probably because I was handling with too much.

“Was it because… because of me?”

I take some time to answer “Y-Yes.” He makes an annoyed expression “But they were trying to help too. I was just being too selfish and stupid to listen to.” He shakes his head. He’s not helping but somehow I just want to laugh with his reactions and not actually being mad or annoyed because of it.

“Just talk with them. Everything will be okay, I’m sure.”

“I know it will.” I just don’t know how to make things okay. I was never good with apologising.

“So let’s get up, get ready for classes and drink a good coffee before it, shall we?” He suddenly says, jumping out of the bed and throwing me my underwear and clothes with a big smile. It’s good to have him back. 

~*~

“Good to see you here in time!” I say with a smile written upon my face when see the tall boy walking towards me. He pecks my cheek and tangles our hands together with a grin.

“Didn’t want to make you wait today!” he says when we start walking away from my classroom. I’m not gonna lie and say that I wasn’t afraid that he wouldn’t show up today, maybe it was the fact that I couldn’t remember what this was. Finishing this boring classes but with a smile because I knew Harry would appear to pick me up. But he’s here and I need to stop worrying. Everything will be okay for now on if we want to. 

“You sure didn’t have problems the other times” I joke and we laugh a little

“Let’s pretend I was always punctual!” he plays serious and squeezes my hand. I find myself looking at his profile while we walk with a stupid grin on my face. So beautiful… and mine. And I’m his. And I’m so happy for that. “What?” he catches me staring at him and we stop. I look away, feeling my cheeks burning by being caught. Harry laughs due it adding “Cute!” in his sweet tone of voice. I feel his hand resting on my cheek, making me look at him. He finds the opportunity when we’re face to face to kiss my lips, slowly and ardently. It surprises me that it’s our first kiss of the day making me realise how I missed his lips pressed against mines. Not taking this anymore further he pulls away, for my sadness, but not disappointing me when mutters an I love you. My heart melts due it and when I’m about to answer him, we’re interrupted by a presence of someone, blocking our way. 

“Louis?” we hear and Harry knows who is just by the gruff but somehow grating voice. I feel him trying to release my hand from his, but I stop him by holding it tightly and making him understand that he needs to calm down. 

“What do you want Bryan?” I look at him as harshly as Harry. This guy has some guts… seriously who does he thinks he is? I regret so much everything i did to protect him from Harry. He deserved everything Harry did and I was just stupid. Harry is right, Bryan doesn’t change. Harry knows it better than anyone and I could saw a bit of it with my own eyes. Bryan probably hates Harry as much as Harry hates him. But otherwise my Harry, he doesn’t have reasons for it. He is a selfish, stupid and egocentric brat who likes to play with other people’s mind. He fooled me plenty of times so I’m not going to allow him doing it anymore. 

“Are you two… together now?” He looks at us at time and his eyes show a bit of surprise but doesn’t make the disgust and annoyance disappear. 

Harry tries to speak but I’m determinate not to allow him to. He is tense, I can feel it, but it’s my turn to do something about this matter. It’s my turn to protect him even if he doesn’t need to. “Is none of your damn business” I answer bitterly and firmly. I keep holding Harry’s hand tightly and trying to pass through the touch that everything is okay and he doesn’t need to worry. 

“Whoa, calm down Louis!” he even tries to talk to me like he is a victim and doesn’t understand what’s going on, a good person who doesn’t deserve the others to speak with him like I did. “I was just asking…” the way he moves his look from me to Harry, looking at him mischievously makes me want to spank him. “You always stood up for me Lou, it surprises me since, you know, by the way he treated me I didn’t expect you to forgive him so soon.” His words make me sick. Harry is losing is temper next to me and I don’t know for how much long I can keep him calm. That was my problem I always stood up for him and forgot that it was Harry who was by my side truly and since always. Half of our fights wouldn’t happen if it wasn’t that. My fault. It was my fault so now I need to show to this guy that he never deserved my trust and he’s only a piece of trash. 

“Well maybe I shouldn’t have stood up for you. You didn’t deserve it after all.” He takes his eyes off from Harry and looks again at me scornfully and in surprise.

“Well babe you were too busy drooling over me to realise that. Too late, hum?” he smirks. 

“You motherfu-“ Harry gives a step forward brutally, tries to release our hands once more time and clenches his other one. Once again I stop him, putting my arm in front of him and pushing him away gently, thankfully he stops. I don’t hold his hand this time, I just take a step forward, being closer from Bryan and in front of Harry. 

I try my best to make a confident and firm expression and don’t show my weakest part. I was never good in this kind of things and I guess I was used to have Harry protecting me that forgot that I had myself to do that on my own. 

“Look, Bryan” I say his name in a wryly tone “you can speak all the shit you want but if we see this situation closer, this time, it was you who were fooled. I got a boyfriend now and he is better than you.” I smirk shrugging “You’re alone again and the next time you find another person to play around maybe you will have the same end. At the end of the day is you who is going to be hurt. So I don’t know what you expect to do with your life but I see a dark and lonely future for you my friend.” I keep with the playful and ironic smile while Bryan’s face changes and he doesn’t seem as confident as he was before. I grab Harry’s wrist, not bothering to see his expression and start to walk away not allowing Bryan to say a word. Though he probably didn’t have one to speak. However I stop after two steps and walk back to him, where he still is in the same place and with the same face “Oh and next time I hear you speaking shit about Harry it will be me who is going to punch that arse face of yours.” I whisper and this time I walk away for good. Damn I’m proud of myself, I can’t believe I could say those things without stammering and with so much confidence. I could finally impose myself and do what I should have done sooner. 

“Holy shit did you see his face?” Harry says in enthusiasm, stepping in front of me and walking backwards “What a glorious moment I had the pleasure to contemplate!” he grins and I can’t stop but laugh due his expression. “Well at least I can say that when you were annoyed by me in the past, you weren’t really mad, were you?” he teases and I shake my head due his stupidity

“No I really was annoyed!”

“You were?” He raises his brow and I nod with a smirk. He finally stops walking and grabs my cheeks with his both hands “No you weren’t.” he whispers huskily and presses our lips together in a rush and strongly. This time I don’t care where we are I part my lips so our tongues move in synchrony. He kisses me hard and I grab the hair from the back of his neck. 

He pulls away after a gentle kiss “I lov-“ he starts but I cover his mouth with my hand  
“I love you” I say instead, smiling and I know he’s making an effort to do the same with my hand pressed against his lips.  

~*~

“Are you sure they are coming?” 

“Niall didn’t say anything else but I suppose he can manage to bring them” Harry answers my question checking out his phone just to be sure he doesn’t have any message. We are only waiting at the table for the others for ten minutes so I still have hopes, even if they always arrive before us. 

I choose not to say anything else and just wait patiently. Harry’s hand is above my knee squeezing once in a while giving me comfort and assurance. I still don’t know what to say to mend things or how to act around them after everything but I guess if I keep over thinking is worst. 

After what it seems like ages I don’t feel Harry’s hand on my knee anymore, so I finally take my eyes off of the table and look at him. He’s looking forward with eyes wide open and when I follow his glare, I’m faced with a blonde guy and with two taller ones behind him walking towards our table. 

I instantly smile when see them sitting in front of us in their usual sits but no one dares to say a word for some minutes.

“Hey guys! It’s been a while since we met up all together, hum?” Harry comments with a grin and with an alive tone of voice trying to cheer up the mood and change their frowns into smiles. 

By the glare Niall gives me and then at Harry at time I can tell that Harry didn’t tell him that we are dating… better, he didn’t tell him that we made up and probably didn’t expect me here. As well as Liam and Zayn who just looked surprise when saw me before sitting in their sits and didn’t look at me anymore. Okay this is not a good start. 

The guys choose to give Harry a small smile and don’t say anything else, which is weird but expected. Harry frowns and I give him a look to applaud his attempt. This is going to be harder than Harry made me believe to. 

“So are you two okay now?” Niall is the first to speak, still unsure. I always liked Niall because of this, he always finds a way to change the situation. Sometimes. 

Harry nods frenetically “Yes we are, just like the old times!” What? No. 

“Not like the old times” Harry’s eyes move to me “We are dating” I decide to take the first step. All the eyes come to my direction, all shocked and surprised. When did I see this scene before? “For real now.” I add to show that this time is for real and none of us is going to deny it or create more problems. Niall’s glare is not the friendliest and I know the reason why. Shit how am I going to solve all of this? I don’t want Harry to do it for me, I can do it on my own, I proved it with Bryan minutes ago, but this is hard. 

I take a deep breath before speaking the next words “I know what you are all thinking… I made shit, I was an asshole all this time.” Harry tries to interrupt me but I don’t allow him to by raising my hand in front of him. He can’t do this for me and he can’t say anything to protect me this time. “I haven’t been the best person for you guys, I was a shitty friend” I say looking at once at time, including Harry “I know you Niall won’t trust me so easily from now on and I understand, but you need to believe me this time. Also, thank you for opening my eyes.” I look at the Irish lad and he only looks back at me, not allowing me to read his thoughts “Liam… Fuck, I’m sorry! You were just being the great friend you are for me and I screwed everything by being ungrateful.” Liam, unlike Niall, gives me a small smile. “Same with you Zayn, you were right! You were damn right! You two are my best mates and you didn’t deserve to hear what I said and also I shouldn’t have been avoiding you” I make a pause “I can’t stop saying how stupid I was because… I’ve been living only thinking about myself and not looking back to my friends. The truly people who are here for me.” I bite my lip and then look at Harry “And Harry, I know we already talked about this, I’m not going to apologise again as we agreed to but what I did to you was unforgivable… no one deserves it, especially the person you love.” He nods and I know he’s probably saying to himself that I didn’t need to say this to him but if I wanna change I need to make this. “Damn guys, I just… I’m so sorry! I love you all so much and I just don’t want to lose my four anchors.” I suck at words so is better if I just stay from here. 

Harry tangles our hands under the table and when I look at him our eyes meet and he gives me a smile. I understand that he just said good job so I smile back at him. There is a silence–well not really silence because the restaurant is pretty loud but none of us dare to speak for a while. 

“So you love us hum?” Zayn says laughing

“And we’re your anchors?” Is Liam’s time to mock me.

“That’s pretty gay Tomlinson!” Niall laughs along with the others and Harry, making me roll my eyes

“I am gay Niall!” I laugh as well. This is what I like, this is what is right. I am happy with them, I have Harry as my boyfriend, I have great friends, I don’t really need a family because I have them. Sure new people come and the others go but if we really want to, they can stay. If we really appreciate the real people we have next to us, they will stay. I am twenty, not fifteen so I can’t see life as a nightmare, I can’t dramatise with unnecessary things, I can’t only see the bad things life offers me. I can’t live in the past, I need to make the future worth it, I can’t be the person I made myself be. 

Harry wraps his arms around my shoulders and kisses my temple. When the boys see the gesture they stand up from their sit and walk straight at us. All of them with a smirk and a teased look wrap their arms around me as well and make their best to hug me while I’m sat. Niall grabs me from behind, Liam sits on my lap and Zayn tries his best to reach all of us with his arms. I start laughing by how idiotic this situation is but not giving any importance to the noise and scene we’re causing in the restaurant.

I hear Liam whispering It’s okay I forgive you, Zayn screaming Congrats to the boyfriends, Niall whispering threats but even though saying I’m gonna trust Harry on you and Harry laughing next to me and murmuring I’m proud of you. 

I’m not going to disappoint anyone, anymore. 

~*~

Harry tangles our hands together in the air, appreciating the way our fingers fit in each other. The room is illuminated only by candles and our sweaty and naked bodies are covered just with the soft and thin white sheet. The way he moves his fingers with mines make me shiver, he’s so gentle as if he’s almost afraid that with the harshest movement I’ll break apart. He loves me, I’m sure of that and it makes me feel wonderful, so complete and good with myself. I can’t believe that I thought I hated this boy. I think I only hated him because I couldn’t be like him. I admired him so much to the point of hating him because I knew I was nothing like him. All of that changed and I’m thankful for it. 

“Hey Lou?” I hear his sleepy voice. I hum in response. “I want to sleep next to you forever.” He says making me laugh a little “Don’t laugh, I’m serious!” his accent is deep in this sentence, hot though. “I want to sleep next to you and I want to wake up in the middle of the night and roll over and kiss you and know that you aren’t going anywhere.” 

Fuck you Styles “I hate you.” I finally say it out loud. He drops my hand and looks at me, kinda of amused and his eyes… fuck his eyes are so beautiful “I hate you for how you make me feel, you know?” I complete myself with a grin. 

His lips form the same smile and he moves to crawl on top of me. He parts his legs next to my thighs, grabs me by the back of my neck and pulls me into a deep and long kiss “No you don’t…” he whispers pressing our foreheads together.

“Yeah, I don’t…” I say somehow breathless. 

I love him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only the epilogue left !!


	37. Epilogue

Harry’s POV

I wake up with the smell of waffles and strawberries. When I look at the side, Louis’ body is not there and the sheets are already cold which means he’s gone for a while now. I get out from the bed, there is no point of staying if Louis is not here with me.

I was hoping to wake up and seeing his beautiful face, rested on the pillow next to me since he came from work late last night and we didn’t have the opportunity to do anything together. We decided to get a part-time job and now we’re in our last year of college with our own house already. Well, it’s a small flat but good just for the two of us. We couldn’t afford anything too expensive since we didn’t have much money and my parents were paying half of it.

A lot of people warned us that we probably were going to fast but to be honest fuck it, I’m perfectly fine with Louis here, we’re doing just fine and we only just fought once. And it was because of pizza so there was no big deal. Even if Louis locked himself in our room for fifteen minutes. But it’s all fine now.

And it has its perks. Oh if it has… Breakfast in the morning like this one now. Louis is wearing only boxers and one of my shirts, bent over in the counter doing smoothie and moving his hips along the song that is playing on the radio – mental note, never buy a television, listening to music in the morning is enough.

“Jesus Christ what a view!” I tease biting my lip and making him turning around quickly to face me with a surprised expression

“Holy Shit!” he shouts and then looks better at me, his eyes traveling down my body. But he doesn’t have the expression I wished he’d have, he’s frowning “You’re in a kitchen Harry! How many times do I have to tell you not to come here naked? Especially like this” he shakes his head and puts the breakfast on the counter from the island. What does he mean, like this? Oh… like this

I ignore his comment and walk towards him with a smirk. He raises me his eyebrow when I approach him and when I’m about to kiss him he puts his hand on my chest pushing me away “Dress. Now.” He demands and pulls away from me sitting on the chair to start eating. 

“You aren’t dressed as well!” I pout. There is no way in hell I’m going to dress myself. Is probably twenty five degrees outside and for me that’s bloody hot. Besides I’m in my house and I don’t pretend to get out from here today, is Sunday and I need a break.

“Do you see me naked?” he says and I mimic him while he says those word. Always the same bullshit. I laugh due it and shrug sitting next to him. He should know already that I’m stubborn and never do what he says. And he knows. He sighs and gives up on this. “Free from work today?” I nod and hum as an answer. “Good we’re going to meet up with the guys”

“What?” No way in hell.

“I told you that last night.”

“I didn’t see you last night.” I protest

“You talked to me when I came from work and went to bed, dickhead.”

“I was sleeping.” I talk during my sleep Louis should know that. He rolls his eyes and gives a bite on his waffle. Louis started cooking when we moved out here, at first he sucked, like, for real but now I should applaud because he makes the best breakfasts. Yeah he only does the breakfast. “I don’t want to be around Liam and Zayn for a while, since they started dating that they’ve been worse than while they weren’t. All attached and is all saliva. They look more like a couple than us for fuck sakes.” I complain and Louis agrees laughing but doesn’t stop eating. “Besides, I was thinking to have some quality time with my boyfriend today. Is Sunday and it’s been a week since we had sex Louis” I fake a whimper

He swallows his food before talking “Oh so for you, quality time with your boyfriend is fucking him?” He asks in indignation and making his best not to laugh while looking at me.

“Louis! You know it's not that. Only.” I joke and he makes a shocked face “C’mon baby,” I get closer from him and place a kiss on his shoulder “I miss you!” I whisper in his ear and I feel him shivering. I smirk but he quickly gets up from the seat. He sure manages to control himself, why can’t I be like him in this situations? “You know that is worst for me when you reject me like this, don’t you?”

“Exactly!” he answers and I sigh in annoyance keeping eating my breakfast while Louis does what god knows in the sink.

“Are you really making me going out today?” I ask two minutes later when realise that he finished his breakfast already and is cleaning my dishes from yesterday – Thank you. 

“They’re your friends too.” He replies from my back

“Today they aren’t.” I try to play serious

“Harry!” I know by his tone of voice that there is no way back. Okay maybe I actually obey to Louis.

I quickly finish my breakfast and put my plate on the sink. Louis is leaned against the counter finishing his smoothie “Can you stop staring?” He grumbles and I realise I stood up here looking at him like an idiot. He tries to make a firm tone, and I underline tries. It’s incredible how he keeps blushing after all this time, when I look at him in fond “It’s fucking weird when you’re naked and with a morning boner!” He finishes giggling and I laugh

“You have smoothie on your lips,” I tease with a smirk when he puts the glass on the sink. I don’t give him chance to say a word or make a movement when get closer from him, sinking my fingers on his hips “let me help you” I say before leaning over to lick his lips and then kissing them. He doesn’t close his eyes while I do it, neither do I. I keep looking back at him and when he’s depending on the kiss I bite his lip, making him opening his mouth so I can slide my tongue in. He lets out a small moan and I pull back “Taste good.”

“What an old and stupid move, hum?” he mocks me and I shrug with a smooth face. Stupid but gave me a good snog.

He takes the opportunity when I’m not with my hands on him and pulls away ready to walk back to the room “Where do you think you’re going?” I ask and pull him back to me by his arm “You’re mine now!” I whisper and he chuckles when I lift him up by his bum to sit him in the cleaned counter while I’m between his parted legs

I quickly take off his shirt with his help, throwing it away somewhere in the kitchen and don’t waste time to taste his sweet and tanned skin from his neck. I make a love bite between the start of the crook of his neck and his collarbones, making him shiver. I pass my hands though his whole chest while we kiss hard and widely.

He turns me on so much when plays hard to get that now I just want to make him suffer and punish him for that. But I can’t tease him now and go slowly so I give all of myself on the kiss, making his lips swollen, then I kiss his jaw and his neck again. I don’t even know how many times my lips stop on the same spot till his moans echoes the kitchen so I’m already taking off his boxers.

I place my hands under his thighs lifting them up a bit and he holds himself with his arms around my neck “Fuck Louis! Fuck, fuck!” I moan when I’m already inside of him. I keep grabbing him tightly and I feel his nails pressed on the back of my neck

“H-Harry, not h-here…” he breathes out. The sounds that come out from his mouth are beautiful and make me move faster and faster each thrust I give.

“Do you really want me to stop now?” my legs are giving up and Louis holds in myself tighter while I press my fingers on his thighs. He hums biting his lip with pleasure and I know he doesn’t want me to stop, fuck, myself couldn’t do it.

I start to slow down when I move out and then move faster when move in, going deeper on him, hitting his prostate. He takes one hand from my neck and start touching himself, jerking off and fuck this couldn’t get hotter.

He moves clumsily but fast, massaging the tip of his head and is almost gentle and I can only imagine those hands on me. Louis moans and I go along with him due the vision. It just makes me move faster, feeling him around me is just so fucking good “I’m so close, so fucking close!” Louis breathes out and holy shit I can feel it. He takes his hand off of himself, I feel him holding me even tighter and presses his other hand on the side of the fridge next to the counter he’s sat already on the edge of.

I kiss, suck and bite his neck; its salty because he’s already sweating, but his hair looks so damn good. “Cum with me baby!” I feel myself so close.

Louis shuts his eyes strongly and bites his lip, I increase my movements and it’s when his lips part and he moans my name loudly when I cum as well, filling him in while he cums between our bellies.

My lungs are desperate from air, Louis is breathing heavily as well on my skin and he knows my legs are giving up because he gets out from the counter and wraps his arms around me allowing me to slide down along with him to the floor. It’s cold on my naked body but I feel so hot that doesn’t even matter.

We only hear our heavy breathes around the kitchen, for some minutes we keep ourselves shut. My head is on Louis’ chest, his back is leaned against the door from the counter, holding each other in each’s arms and it just feels so warm and lovely. His hot chest goes up and down and he caresses my sweaty hair. We don’t even care if we’re dirty this just feels so right and sweet. I love this boy so much and this moments make me love him even more and I learnt that, that is possible.

“Love you.” He whispers in my ear and I smile because those words spoken by him make me feel alive, make me unstoppable and he knows I’m speaking those same words on my head because he hugs me strongly. “Maybe we can stay here after all.” I grin with his words

“And take a shower together?”

“And take a shower together, yes.” He agrees and I keep snuggling on his chest “Harry?” I hear him after some seconds

“Yes love?” my voice is raspy but at the same time can sound softly

“I thought about our conversation the other day…” he starts and I’m forced to look up at him and see his expression. I know what he is talking about and it makes me look at him widely almost as if like that I can pay him more attention “… and maybe… maybe yeah, I want to see how my family is going…” he whispers. He’s not unsure about what he is saying but I know it is the words itself that make him afraid. “I want to visit them.” I smile at him and kiss his jaw holding him by his nape

“Want me to go with you?” I offer and he finally smiles back at me

“Please.” I tangle our hands together and he looks at the gesture. He takes our hands to his lips and kisses my knuckles. “I think I’m one heck of a lucky guy” he smiles at me and even the crinkles on his eyes appear.

I kiss his lips, caressing his cheek with my other hand “We can both agree on that”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's officially over now . I'm currently writing a fanfic , it's called "Lost Memories" and i'm posting it on wattpad and here. if you liked this one then im sure you'll like even more this one bc in my opinion is better ! 
> 
> i actually received some good feedback from you , didn't expect you'd like this much but im so happy that you did   
> Thank you   
> hope it was a good epilogues (i know not the best but i just wanted to tell some details abt how their life changed)
> 
> So yeah see ya .xx

**Author's Note:**

> So I posted this fic on wattpad because when i first started writing i didn't really used this website, but let's face it... fics one wattpad are nothing compared to the ones here. they're WOW  
> and i'm not saying that my fic is WOW but i wanted to share with you guys anyway and i want to use this site more often so yeah  
> hope you enjoy it  
> http://www.wattpad.com/story/10864658-say-something-l-s


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